Archive | December, 2012

Scream, shout, should I let it all out?

31 Dec

This post is a bit personal and has nothing to do with diabetes.. might want to skip it :)

I want to open my front door and scream.

Scream until nothing will come out anymore.

I want to cry and cry and cry.

Something inside me is restless. I’m annoyed, angry, agitated and feel like I’m ready to burst.

I can’t put my finger on anything that’s making me feel like this, but I guess the date has something to do with it.

Christmas and New Year don’t usually bother me, they come they go, it’s not really that much of a difference in my life. But so much has changed this year, I don’t think I have been able to catch up in my head. I know its all going to hit me soon and maybe tonight the frustrations are just that.

I feel like I want to get out of my body, out of my head, run away, get lost somewhere else, be someone else, I just don’t feel.. right.

This time last year I had a husband and a grandmother and both those are gone now.

I remember this night so well last year, I had my niece and we sat in bed cuddled up together watching Peppa Pig and Simpsons Movie. I was happy. A week later nothing was going to be the same again.

My nan rang her cousin by accident and was very confused on the phone, so she rang my dad and he came and got me and we went to see my nan. She was ill. We called an ambulance, and she was taken to hospital.

She had pneumonia. The pneumonia turned out to be caused by lung cancer. We were told everything that was going to happen. If it hadn’t metastasised they told us what was on offer, that she and us now had this nusre that we could call whenever we needed, she was great and gave us loads of information to read. She had a biopsy and went home to wait after about 2 weeks in hospital. We were called to the lung clinic for the results and basically told that was it. She had non small cell lung cancer. They weren’t going to do anything and here is a number to ring we are done. I left that room feeling numb, what happens now? What did they just tell us, where do we go now? I don’t think my nan really understood or wanted to listen, she was way too tired by that point, if she opened her eyes for more than ten minutes a day we were lucky.

I hadn’t been out much in four years, but I made sure I was there most days, at the hospital and at her house when she was home, trying to help her walk to the shower and washing her hair and then at then the hospice. She went down so quickly. This cancer was meant to be slow, but no it wasn’t. We watched her going from a healthy woman to almost nothing in three months. She didn’t even look like my nan anymore. It was heartbreaking. My dad never left her side, he was amazing with her.

A month before she died some how my husband and I split up. I think the pressure of what was going on and I had no fight in me to stop it. Nothing major happened, we had a small fight and he left. I didn’t stop him. If I had he wouldn’t have gone. He told me that after, but I was too focused on my nan by then. I just watched him walk out the door and that was that, I didn’t have much time to think about. We knew we had problems, but we had decided to wait to figure them out and then my nan got ill. So I guess we just waited too long and that was why it was so easy to just let him go. Don’t get me wrong I cried and cried, but I just didn’t say “please don’t go yet” and I probably should have. But everything was so complicated, it was just easier to do nothing.

I’m working on a long post about that, I’ll finish it one day.

So he was gone. I had no bank account, no money of my own, I couldn’t even sort out the gas and electricity by myself. I felt abandoned, lonely and scared. I had never been on my own in my whole adult life and I was trying to help my dad with my grandmother. I was useless.

Another month went by and she was getting worse, no foods or anything. Then they decided on the dreaded syringe driver. We knew it wouldn’t be long at that point. I read the sheets of paper and was devastated, end of life care, how could this be happening, I know she was my grandmother and she was 85, but its not easy even when you know it’s coming. Two days later we were told it wouldn’t be long now. My brother my dad and me all went to be with her, her sisters came too. We were looking though some old photos sat next to her talking about them and then her breathing started to get strange, it  got worse and worse. I started to panic and we thought we should ring someone, my dad went to get the phone and he was by the door, I was holding my nans hand and I just looked at him, he knew what I was saying and he came over and held her too. The noise was so unbearable, and then.. it was over.

That was the 25th April. Writing that made it feel like it was just yesterday. I miss her every single day and even now, I still cannot believe she is not here. Something happens and two of the people I used to tell everything are no longer able to listen.

My nan loved my husband I couldn’t tell her what happened, but she would be so mad at me for us splitting up. I was so mad at him for a long time. I needed him to be at her funeral, not for me, but for her. She would always call him her grandson, she loved him alot. I was furious with him for not being there.

As the year went on I found out I have a lot of health problems now, which I’m trying to use the blog for. When I started this post I was so wound up, New Year was two hours away and I was going crazy. There is 45 minutes to go and I must say getting all this down has made me alot calmer. I feel at peace in my tummy right now! It was all in knots before.

Goodness it’s true maybe writing can be therapeutic!

I no longer want to scream.

I want to start this year with something positive. A few years ago my nan helped me have a shed built and buy a refurbished Life Fitness treadmill. Tomorrow I want to start the year with a little walk on it, I was so ashamed I never used it as often as I said I would. So I am going to make the effort tomorrow and even if its only ten minutes, I’m going to walk on it in her honour. She can be my motivation to start the new year and get healthier.

If anyone is still reading, hope you have a good New Year and all your dreams come true in 2013 x

Love you nanny, miss you Every.Single.Day.

16/03/1927 – 25/04/2012 <3

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I’m a little bit stuck

28 Dec

I’m struggling right now. I guess I knew it would happen, Christmas and the first one without my husband in 17 years. It has felt a bit odd.

I’m not living alone so that has made it a bit easier, but it has also meant there are foods that I don’t want to eat in the house, but of course I have been munching away. The only good thing that I have done though, is not stop eating my meals every day, which is keeping me full so I am not eating alot of  junk, but way more than I would like.

I have no idea where my blood sugar levels are, I’ve gone from taking it every few hours to not doing it for days, probably because I’m a bit scared, last time I did it, was 11.8. In fact I shall do it now. I haven’t eaten yet today, so lets see 8.6 not as bad as I was expecting. Guess the tablets are working at it even if I am not!

I’m not going to get too mad at myself though, I’m not going to be perfect after being like this most of my adult life. I can have until New Years Eve and I want to be back on track then. I have babysat on NYE for as long as I was old enough to. My mothers birthday is New Years Day, so she would go out and I got to babysit my brothers and sister. Well my sister is going to be 18 in Jan, so I am free this year, I don’t know what I am going to do with myself! (last year I had my brothers daughter) I think I have been out once on New Years Eve and that was when I was about 17! I will probably just do what I always do, watch the New Year in on TV, that’s what me and my husband used to do, I can’t imagine me going out right now!

As well as getting my eating back to how it should be, I’m planning on being more tidy and organised around the house. Since I found Pinterest I’ve been reading some new blogs and how some of those people keep their homes is amazing, I want to be more like them! So I’m planning on being much more organised, I’ve seen some lovely ideas over the last couple of weeks I want to try out, trouble is alot of them are more American based items and it can be hard to get the same over here, but I’m going to try!

I also have a plan to save money! Lots of money! This one is going to be hard for me as I defiantly love to spend way too much, but I have been reading Money Saving Expert and there is a thread on there where people are going to save £12,000 next year! I won’t get that much, but I am going to try and push myself more to save.

I’m excited about doing these changes, I just hope I can stick to them!

On a good note, even though I haven’t been perfect with my food, I do think I have lost some weight, I haven’t weighed, but I can feel it, I hope its true, I shall weigh when I go to the doctors. I will feel great if I have!

Hope everyone has had a good Christmas and looking forward to a good 2013!

Cooking!

16 Dec

When I usually diet it’s the same old thing every day. This time around I’m doing things different.

Ever since I found pinterest I have been “creating” things, it’s been great. Finding new things to eat and adjusting them so I can eat this has been quite fun.

Whenever I eat healthy, I can’t stop thinking about food, I expect its like that for a lot of people.. or I hope I’m not alone anyway, but going through some of these recipes is making it so much easier to deal with I’m not thinking about food so much, which is definitely a good.

I’m doing really quite well on the food, the other day I had gone back to sleep in the afternoon and when I got up I was craving something sweet, its the first time for a while, so instead of having a chocolate bar I melted some Nutella and crushed up a digestive and ate that, was lovely, I checked my sugar and it had been 5.0 thats the lowest I ever seen it.. maybe a bit too low as that’s why I want the chocolate?

But it hasn’t been a bad thing, I would usually give up and eat more, but I didn’t it was just enough for what I needed and I stopped.. go me! :)

I’ve made some lovely things this weekend, but forgotten to take a picture, but I remembered for my grilled cheese.. was yummy :)

Nommy

Nommy

Headaches

10 Dec

Every night, I’m waking up with horrible throbbing headaches.

I have to go to the bathroom about six times a night, which is a pain itself, but every time I wake up I’m having to deal with the headaches, they are so painful, my whole head is throbbing, it’s like I can feel the blood pulsing through my head and I have a job to lift it up. It’s awful.

I’ve had them a few times in the past, but not every night like this, I don’t know if its because I’m not drinking caffeine and eating sugar and its withdrawal or if its the medication doing it. Whatever it is, I want it to stop!

My food is going okay which I’m happy with, I have chocolate, crisps and Pepsi Max in the house and I have’t touched any of it, I’m proud of myself right now, when I’m feeling hungry I’m actually making the effort to go and make something to eat and thanks to commenter the other day I read her blog, with some amazing recipes on and also Pinterest and I’ve been doing some experimenting with food, I even made my own pizza sauce the other day to go with some pizzadillas that I made from the same site and both were lovely!

I’m aware its still only week one at the moment and I have a long long way to go, but like I said one day at a time, if I make a mistake, it doesn’t have to ruin anything.

My sugars have been staying in single figures for the most part, although just tested now and its 11.0, not sure why as I’ve done nothing different, but I’ll see after lunch and hopefully they’re back down.

Getting Help

7 Dec

I had an appointment with a diabetic nurse yesterday, she was lovely and we had a good chat.

I told her that even though I was diagnosed a few weeks ago, I still hadn’t made any changes until this week, I was confused, obviously I had eaten badly all my adult life and now to be told I have to be even more restrictive was just too much and I didn’t know what I was doing. I know what to eat, when to eat but just doing it is some how too hard for me. In the past I did lose seven and a half stone, I still wasn’t small, but I was more in the normal weight range of people, but due to circumstances it all went back on and a load more and it frustrates me so much, but like I said on my first post, I am an emotional eater it seems, at the time I don’t see it, but now looking back of course I am.

She knew about the things that have happened this year alone and said I had a lot to deal with, so It’s okay that I’m not getting it right and that’s why they are there to help me. The important thing is eating, she asked how I did it last time and it was an at home version of Slimming World, but I said that’s pasta, potatoes[makes my sugars high] rice etc and she said it doesn’t matter right now, the most important thing is losing weight however you do it. Apart from cholesterol all my other tests are fine, so losing weight is going to help me alot.

She explained to me how insulin was like a key to open the cells and let the glucose pass through and that seemed to make sense to me. Again seeing the numbers on the tester seems to be helping too, I was down to 5.4 today, I know that’s mostly the Metformin doing it, but it feels good to know that I am at least trying to make a difference.

20121207_174824

I also asked her about Victoza, the injection that is meant to reduce appetite and replace Metformin I’ve asked the doctor about it, but he seems reluctant for some reason, but I am a perfect candidate for it, especially as the Metformin has given me upset tummies, so I’m on the slow release one at the moment, she wants me to stay on that for a few weeks and get up to three tablets a day then she will switch it out for the Victoza.

Last night I had Linda McCartney sausages with potato and onion gravy, it was lovely, but almost doubled my sugars to 13.9, I was very sad. I’m guessing this means I can’t eat potato very often and I love mash!

Hunger

6 Dec

Hunger is odd to me.

When I go all day without eating, I don’t feel hungry, I don’t feel like I must eat, it doesn’t affect me at all.

But, as soon as I start eating healthy, I’m hungry all the damn time.

How do you deal with it? Is it my body adjusting to eating real food, is it punishing me because I don’t look after myself properly, will it go away or am I meant to eat more?

I’ts very confusing.

I spoke to a dietitian yesterday and all I have to do right now is just eat meals at normal times, doesn’t matter what I have as long as its food, so I stop going for the bad stuff and focus on real food not junk. It’s hard for me because I’m either an all or nothing girl. So if I’m eating meals, I want them to be healthy and lose weight, but at the same time, I know I have to try and do this slowly because I need to get my head around it and make it stick, but slow for things like this is not my thing. I’m just a head of confusion right now.

When I woke this morning, I tested and I was 6.8, that feels amazing to me, I know the Metformin has a lot to do with it, but when I was stuck at 18 last week that makes me feel great. Seeing the numbers down like that makes me realise that the concept is really quite simple and easy, eat well the numbers stay normal and that’s it, if only my head (or is that my eye and nose!) didn’t get in the way and mess it all up!

I’m playing a game of numbers with myself at the moment and I’m actually winning today yay :)

7.9! :)

5 Dec

Just checked sugar before I go make tea and it’s 7.9!

I’ve not seen it that low since I started testing, must have done something right today, its normally above 18. Very pleased.

This is what I had today so far;

Rice, egg and Quorn ham, with 2 Krisprolls

Rice, egg and Quorn ham, with 2 Krisprolls

Apples, cheese and Krisprolls

Apples, cheese and Krisprolls

I need to work on breakfast for tomorrow, but I think that’s going to be All Bran with some Canderel.

Lets go make dinner.

Oh and no Pepsi Max today! I live on that it’s all I drink, so lots of changes today.

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