Scream, shout, should I let it all out?

31 Dec

This post is a bit personal and has nothing to do with diabetes.. might want to skip it :)

I want to open my front door and scream.

Scream until nothing will come out anymore.

I want to cry and cry and cry.

Something inside me is restless. I’m annoyed, angry, agitated and feel like I’m ready to burst.

I can’t put my finger on anything that’s making me feel like this, but I guess the date has something to do with it.

Christmas and New Year don’t usually bother me, they come they go, it’s not really that much of a difference in my life. But so much has changed this year, I don’t think I have been able to catch up in my head. I know its all going to hit me soon and maybe tonight the frustrations are just that.

I feel like I want to get out of my body, out of my head, run away, get lost somewhere else, be someone else, I just don’t feel.. right.

This time last year I had a husband and a grandmother and both those are gone now.

I remember this night so well last year, I had my niece and we sat in bed cuddled up together watching Peppa Pig and Simpsons Movie. I was happy. A week later nothing was going to be the same again.

My nan rang her cousin by accident and was very confused on the phone, so she rang my dad and he came and got me and we went to see my nan. She was ill. We called an ambulance, and she was taken to hospital.

She had pneumonia. The pneumonia turned out to be caused by lung cancer. We were told everything that was going to happen. If it hadn’t metastasised they told us what was on offer, that she and us now had this nusre that we could call whenever we needed, she was great and gave us loads of information to read. She had a biopsy and went home to wait after about 2 weeks in hospital. We were called to the lung clinic for the results and basically told that was it. She had non small cell lung cancer. They weren’t going to do anything and here is a number to ring we are done. I left that room feeling numb, what happens now? What did they just tell us, where do we go now? I don’t think my nan really understood or wanted to listen, she was way too tired by that point, if she opened her eyes for more than ten minutes a day we were lucky.

I hadn’t been out much in four years, but I made sure I was there most days, at the hospital and at her house when she was home, trying to help her walk to the shower and washing her hair and then at then the hospice. She went down so quickly. This cancer was meant to be slow, but no it wasn’t. We watched her going from a healthy woman to almost nothing in three months. She didn’t even look like my nan anymore. It was heartbreaking. My dad never left her side, he was amazing with her.

A month before she died some how my husband and I split up. I think the pressure of what was going on and I had no fight in me to stop it. Nothing major happened, we had a small fight and he left. I didn’t stop him. If I had he wouldn’t have gone. He told me that after, but I was too focused on my nan by then. I just watched him walk out the door and that was that, I didn’t have much time to think about. We knew we had problems, but we had decided to wait to figure them out and then my nan got ill. So I guess we just waited too long and that was why it was so easy to just let him go. Don’t get me wrong I cried and cried, but I just didn’t say “please don’t go yet” and I probably should have. But everything was so complicated, it was just easier to do nothing.

I’m working on a long post about that, I’ll finish it one day.

So he was gone. I had no bank account, no money of my own, I couldn’t even sort out the gas and electricity by myself. I felt abandoned, lonely and scared. I had never been on my own in my whole adult life and I was trying to help my dad with my grandmother. I was useless.

Another month went by and she was getting worse, no foods or anything. Then they decided on the dreaded syringe driver. We knew it wouldn’t be long at that point. I read the sheets of paper and was devastated, end of life care, how could this be happening, I know she was my grandmother and she was 85, but its not easy even when you know it’s coming. Two days later we were told it wouldn’t be long now. My brother my dad and me all went to be with her, her sisters came too. We were looking though some old photos sat next to her talking about them and then her breathing started to get strange, it  got worse and worse. I started to panic and we thought we should ring someone, my dad went to get the phone and he was by the door, I was holding my nans hand and I just looked at him, he knew what I was saying and he came over and held her too. The noise was so unbearable, and then.. it was over.

That was the 25th April. Writing that made it feel like it was just yesterday. I miss her every single day and even now, I still cannot believe she is not here. Something happens and two of the people I used to tell everything are no longer able to listen.

My nan loved my husband I couldn’t tell her what happened, but she would be so mad at me for us splitting up. I was so mad at him for a long time. I needed him to be at her funeral, not for me, but for her. She would always call him her grandson, she loved him alot. I was furious with him for not being there.

As the year went on I found out I have a lot of health problems now, which I’m trying to use the blog for. When I started this post I was so wound up, New Year was two hours away and I was going crazy. There is 45 minutes to go and I must say getting all this down has made me alot calmer. I feel at peace in my tummy right now! It was all in knots before.

Goodness it’s true maybe writing can be therapeutic!

I no longer want to scream.

I want to start this year with something positive. A few years ago my nan helped me have a shed built and buy a refurbished Life Fitness treadmill. Tomorrow I want to start the year with a little walk on it, I was so ashamed I never used it as often as I said I would. So I am going to make the effort tomorrow and even if its only ten minutes, I’m going to walk on it in her honour. She can be my motivation to start the new year and get healthier.

If anyone is still reading, hope you have a good New Year and all your dreams come true in 2013 x

Love you nanny, miss you Every.Single.Day.

16/03/1927 – 25/04/2012 <3

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