Archive | January, 2013

Doing just fine.

31 Jan

Gym was good today, although packed :( There are two health clubs and swimming pools at the hotel and the other one is being refurbished so all the people who are members there and all the guests at the hotel are coming over to our side, its so busy, so we chose the worst week to join really!

I did an extra five minutes on the treadmill, my feet were burning like hell though, but I was pleased I did it.

I read a blog earlier this morning and I couldn’t decide if  I was reading it wrong or if it was genuine. This person is meant to work somewhere that helps obese people, yet clearly we repulse him/her. I know what my life has been like, I’m well aware of what people think, but someone who is potentially operating on people with these feelings seems wrong to me. Definitely giving me yet more second thoughts, which is a shame as it might be my last option.

I have worked for a year in a unit where we undertake operations to lead to drastic weight loss, we deliberately impair their ability to eat or absorb food. There is plenty of evidence that not eating leads to weight loss but I struggle somewhat with doing operations to impair ones ability to eat or absorb food, even if it is for an overall heath improvement. Primum non nocere and all that, it rather seems like giving sex addicts chastity belts. They are forced in my institution to waddle to theatre on their own two legs, not for them the usual porter plus nurse on a hospital bed, the poor food addicted victims are made to burn oh, gosh, a whole 26 calories as they shoogle off to theatre, gowns flapping behind them exposing their soon to be slimmed down naked buttocks.

via Fat Biffers | Knife before wife.

That’s not all they have to say, but it’s quite hard really, for the fact they don’t believe in paragraphs.

I don’t know if I’m allowed to post things like that, but oh well, the person didn’t even allow my comment.



Anyway, I got my Bydureon this afternoon, I’m a little bit more scared now lol. I think I shall inject tomorrow, I won’t take the Januvia in the morning and at some point in the day try and do it. Try being the important word there! I need some kind of volunteer to come around and stab me with the needle, I just don’t know if I can do it. How do people do this more than once a day!

Dinner was very tasty, spaghetti made with Quorn, though I think I overdone it on the parmesan. It’s amazing what you can change if you really want/have to. I didn’t think I was going to get back to eating right, but I’m pleased to say its going well. There is still a little bit of me thinking, “oh, I want some chocolate” even when I’m not hungry, I’ve just got to get it into my head that I don’t actually need or even want it. If I can get there I’ll be one happy “Biffa” !!




I made progress.

30 Jan

I’ve been trying to get hold of the nurse who said she would put me on Victoza. She is one very elusive lady to get a hold of to say the least!

After some phone calls and messages and an argument with a receptionist who told me I never saw her at the surgery and she didn’t know her, I finally tracked her down.

She definitely exists and is so lovely. She said she had time to go through it with me then, even though I was on my way to the gym, I thought this would be more important (didn’t get to the gym).

She explained to me, while Victoza would be good for me Byetta has been showing to have a higher weight loss, the only problem with that is it is twice a day and has to be taken within 30 mins to 1 hour before food and can be bad with the side effects, but there is a newer version of it called, which is the same, but is only taken once a week and doesn’t come in a handy pen and has to be set up with vials and needles. She was happy for me to try either, but we decided I would give the Byduroen a go for a few weeks and see how it goes.

BydureonShe gave me the kit it comes in and showed me how to do it then I had a little practice, while the pen injection looks so easy, I don’t think this is too bad. There is powder and liquid that has to be mixed together before you inject it, but as this is a week long release you shouldn’t get the side effects of the twice a day one and it’s only once a week so you don’t have to do it too often.

I told her my appetite seems to have good and she said that is good news, if its like this on the Januvia then it should be even better on the Byduroen. I get the kit tomorrow, chemist didn’t have any in stock, I’m quite looking forward to it, not sure how I will feel when I’m sat there having to stick a needle in myself though! I don’t have a fear of needles at all, but knowingly stabbing myself with something sharp isn’t something I look forward to, even though I know imagining it is worse that actually doing it! I think I’m still going to have to talk myself into it lol.

I had a nice little surprise as I was leaving, I got on the scales and I have lost… 8kg! Woot about 17lbs I think, I was so happy, close to a stone and a half. Not a huge amount, but we did have Christmas too, so I am more than happy!

Back to the gym tomorrow.. more pain for me!


29 Jan

I’m in agony!

Yesterday I was brave, I went to the gym and had a swim. I’ve been having such a hard time since Christmas I thought I need to do something to change. So for £38 a month I get to kill myself everyday. Its at a beautiful hotel, Celtic Manor Resort, and I get to feel like I’m on holiday for the few hours I’m there.

I’m not letting the stares and long looks bother me (although they do deep down) and I’m getting on with what I’m there for, albeit much much slower than everyone else!

The pain this morning though is horrible, I felt good after it yesterday, but my legs, feet and bottom of my spine (thanks sit down bike!!) are killing me, but I shall be going back in a few hours to do it all again. I have the Jacuzzi to look forward to though.

I’ve been put on a new medication, Januvia and it seems to have stopped me being hungry most of the day. So now I just have to contend with my head telling me I need chocolate, thats a little bit harder and why I’m hoping the gym will sort that out, if I’m doing all that work, why do I want to ruin it.

I also had a letter yesterday, giving me an appointment to the hospital which will [hopefully] be the start of my weight loss surgery. I think I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I cannot do this without help. It’s not something I want to do at all, but I’m 36 now, I have ruined my life by not being able to control what I eat, do I really want to be fighting constantly with whatever “life” I do have left? So I am going to go, see what they have to say and maybe I’ll make it out the other side and be a “normal” person one day.

What a nice thought.

Who are you to judge?!

9 Jan

I started to read this article the other day on Facebook, which linked to Sky News. I didn’t read it properly I just scanned it and got to the comments, I knew what they were going to say, it’s always the same. Nasty, vile, self righteous, cruel, harsh, and downright mean.

Why were people commenting like that?

Oh it was an article about obese people having benefits cut if they don’t go to exercise sessions set up by local councils. Great. Wonderful. Let the hatred begin.

In theory this is all great. A place where people who might be scared to death about going to a gym with “buff” people to go and get help and lose weight and get fitter. Sounds wonderful, but it’s rarely like that.

Two years ago my doctor put me on a course, it was called Torfaen Weight Management System. It was a 12 week course where a small group, around ten people would go and get educated on food and exercise. There was a doctor, nurse, dietitian and psychologist who all had an interest in this type of work and wanted to help. At the time I was still not going out, I had only gone to the hospital, so I was very scared about going. I was sent a letter to go to a one on one meeting to discuss options with the nutritionist. She quickly realised my issues were emotional so asked the psychologist to join in. I went to two meetings with them and then they asked if I was ready to join this session for the course. I wanted to give it a go so I agreed.

I loved going to the sessions, I felt comfortable there, the professionals were very friendly and helpful and it felt like they cared. During the initial meetings I was told it was an hour of education every week, followed by an hours exercise and then we would get another hour of exercise in the week. Sadly this never happened, we had our hour of education, where I did learn alot, then we had our hour of “exercise” we never got the second one every week. But this “exercise” was pretty pointless. It was a small room, with some very basic equipment and they were too scared to allow us to do anything. We mainly got to lift hand weights, some of the fitter people were allowed to walk on a treadmill after a few weeks, but it wasnt really the best and just felt like we were doing nothing much, especially for the people who didn’t have too much to lose, so they became disheartened in it very fast.

In my mind, if the government really want to get serious about this, then they really need to start investing some money into it.

Proper facilities. Either using suitable existing leisure complexes or creating them. There needs to be education on nutrition. Courses. Courses for cooking, courses for education, courses for shopping, courses for diabetes. Anything you think will help, turn it into a course! A real gym with state of the art machines, a swimming pool, that either has a beach walk in or sloping steps, not the metal ones which are dangerous to use after a certain size. It needs to be a full size facility which is open throughout the week. After an initial course (the more you have to lose, the longer this course is) You can then pay a nominal fee to keep going, like a slimming club. Maybe not as expensive, but £2 every time you go. Even let there be a maintenance group there too, so if you do manage to lose alot, you can still go along once a week, just to keep you alert about whats happening. People with eating disorders of the other end of the scale have help and facilities so why shouldn’t we at this end. They are both mental issues. Just with completely different results.

Yeah, I know, I’m just dreaming there. Even if the government thought, wow we have enough money, we don’t need new cars and holidays lets do this! its a great idea! People would be furious. It’s self inflicted, why do the greedy pigs get this. Just tell them to stop shoveling food into their mouths and get off their fat arses!

Because we love being like this. I love being too scared to leave my house because of what people will shout at me. I love not being able to walk to the end of my path without being in agony, out of breath, sweating and desperate to sit down. I love not being able to what I want and have to rely on other people for the most simple thing. Yeah it’s awesome. While I can’t sit here and not take any blame, it wasn’t something I just thought one day, I know what I’ll do, give myself a lifetime of pain and hurt and regret and eat this chocolate bar or four. Things happened to me in my life to get me into this situation. And yes, while I did have a choice  in the beginning of what I ate, that bar of chocolate wasn’t an instant visual/feeling so I could think, oh wow I just did that to myself. It took years and years to get like this and depression, anxiety, hatred makes it harder to stop and look at yourself and realise what is going on and now I don’t think I do have a choice. I crave things. It’s an awful feeling to have. I get angry and moody if I don’t get what I want. I am a woman in my thirties, I know that’s not rational behavior  yet I cant control it.

Most people have some kind of vice, whether it be eating, drinking, smoking drugs, gambling, sex, cleaning, not eating, beating, exercising, control. It’s their go to thing when things start getting stressed or they have had some bad news, sometimes good too. But the thing is, they can walk down the street and no one have a clue whats going on with them. We can’t see what they have done to their lungs when they have smoked 40 a day for the last ten years, how bad they look on the inside. But I don’t have that luxury. Soon as you see me you know what my problem is, I’m weak have no will power, greedy, pig, fat, ugly, disgusting. There are many more names and thoughts associated with me. People don’t get to know me because of it, they just judge.

While I know you can’t stop people making those judgments, it would be nice if they actually thought before they wrote or shouted. Do they really believe that this is what most obese people want? While I can’t speak for anyone other than myself, I am not happy, I am not jolly (I hate that word) I am not bubbly. I am me. I have a problem with my eating habits, which I am well aware of, my whole life has been a struggle because of it, you telling me I am lazy, which you don’t actually know and I am a pig, again, how can you know and that I stuff burgers into my mouth also untrue as I don’t eat meat, isn’t something new or funny. You have just contributed to me not wanting to go out.

Of course you wouldn’t care about this, but weight gain/obesity isnt something you either have or haven’t got. One day it could happen to you. You might be young and fit right now, but give it ten years, the smoking, drinking, eating or injury might just catch up on you ;)

Every little helps

1 Jan

Very pleased with myself.

Got up this morning and went down the shed and did my ten minutes. I was sat thinking, should I, maybe I’ll do it later, but then I remembered I promised my nan, so I got my shoes on and went.

You wouldn’t think it would be so hard, to walk to the bottom of my garden, its only about 18 feet to the shed door, but with depression and anxiety, getting there is so hard.

So many people are probably out there today, running for miles, in the gym or out in the fresh air, working loads and feeling great and I feel good about managing to get into my garden. How sad is that?

Like I said, I don’t go out much, for three years I stopped going out completely. I had to have the doctor come to me all the time, I couldn’t even get to the surgery. But he was worried I had a blood clot and I had to go to hospital for a scan on my leg and that was the first time I went out in over three years, to say I panicked was an understatement, but I made it with the help of lots of citalopram and diazapram.

I was worried last night. My head was a bit crazy and I felt very strange. I was scared about what I might do, I think thats why I wrote the post to try and get my thoughts out. Two years ago, I took an overdose of citalopram. I don’t know how or why I did it, but I think it might have been the tablets that did it. Apparently its a risk with anti depressants that they give you suicidal thoughts, I would sit for hours thinking of ways to do it and one night I just did it. I sat there and ate all my tablets. I was on the highest dose I could be (apparently no one is on 60mg a day anymore because its dangerous) and I took 6 weeks worth of tablets in one. Lucky my husband walked in on me. I remember fighting him as I didn’t want to go to hospital, I was finding it quite funny at the time, but he said he was going to call an ambulance and I didn’t want that, so I went with him. I remember being so mad at that point, what the hell had I done, I don’t like going out, I don’t want to go out and now I’ve done this stupid thing and have no choice! I was furious with myself!

We got to hospital within the hour, they gave me charcoal, which I quite enjoyed, then they asked me to get on the bed and thats when everything went weird. I couldn’t feel my legs anymore and everything was spinning. I started to panic about then. I had to have my heart monitored, it was slowing down and they were quite worried about it. After talking to a nurse psychiatrist?  in the morning they let me go home.

I don’t know what I was thinking, I had had enough of everything and my problems, but to do that was wrong. When I get down now though, I do worry it would be so easy to do it again. Like I have done it once, so I’ve made it okay to do it more, as thought it doesn’t really matter. I hope that its not true, I like to think it was the medication that did it to me and it wasn’t actually my normal thought. I want to work on my problems and not hurt everyone around me. I know how devastating it can be to lose someone who takes their own life. My best friends brother, who also happened to be my own brothers best friend hung himself. I’ll never forget my brothers voice on the phone when he rang to tell me. I then had to tell my friend. It was awful. I couldn’t sleep for months after that, it affected me so badly, my brother stopped going out. He couldn’t go back to work, he was heartbroken. So what it did to their family was awful. I don’t ever want to put my family through that.

I still don’t feel good. Not quite right. But I made a good start today. Hoping I carry on tomorrow. It’s just ten minutes, but who knows where I could end up.

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