Every little helps

1 Jan

Very pleased with myself.

Got up this morning and went down the shed and did my ten minutes. I was sat thinking, should I, maybe I’ll do it later, but then I remembered I promised my nan, so I got my shoes on and went.

You wouldn’t think it would be so hard, to walk to the bottom of my garden, its only about 18 feet to the shed door, but with depression and anxiety, getting there is so hard.

So many people are probably out there today, running for miles, in the gym or out in the fresh air, working loads and feeling great and I feel good about managing to get into my garden. How sad is that?

Like I said, I don’t go out much, for three years I stopped going out completely. I had to have the doctor come to me all the time, I couldn’t even get to the surgery. But he was worried I had a blood clot and I had to go to hospital for a scan on my leg and that was the first time I went out in over three years, to say I panicked was an understatement, but I made it with the help of lots of citalopram and diazapram.

I was worried last night. My head was a bit crazy and I felt very strange. I was scared about what I might do, I think thats why I wrote the post to try and get my thoughts out. Two years ago, I took an overdose of citalopram. I don’t know how or why I did it, but I think it might have been the tablets that did it. Apparently its a risk with anti depressants that they give you suicidal thoughts, I would sit for hours thinking of ways to do it and one night I just did it. I sat there and ate all my tablets. I was on the highest dose I could be (apparently no one is on 60mg a day anymore because its dangerous) and I took 6 weeks worth of tablets in one. Lucky my husband walked in on me. I remember fighting him as I didn’t want to go to hospital, I was finding it quite funny at the time, but he said he was going to call an ambulance and I didn’t want that, so I went with him. I remember being so mad at that point, what the hell had I done, I don’t like going out, I don’t want to go out and now I’ve done this stupid thing and have no choice! I was furious with myself!

We got to hospital within the hour, they gave me charcoal, which I quite enjoyed, then they asked me to get on the bed and thats when everything went weird. I couldn’t feel my legs anymore and everything was spinning. I started to panic about then. I had to have my heart monitored, it was slowing down and they were quite worried about it. After talking to a nurse psychiatrist?  in the morning they let me go home.

I don’t know what I was thinking, I had had enough of everything and my problems, but to do that was wrong. When I get down now though, I do worry it would be so easy to do it again. Like I have done it once, so I’ve made it okay to do it more, as thought it doesn’t really matter. I hope that its not true, I like to think it was the medication that did it to me and it wasn’t actually my normal thought. I want to work on my problems and not hurt everyone around me. I know how devastating it can be to lose someone who takes their own life. My best friends brother, who also happened to be my own brothers best friend hung himself. I’ll never forget my brothers voice on the phone when he rang to tell me. I then had to tell my friend. It was awful. I couldn’t sleep for months after that, it affected me so badly, my brother stopped going out. He couldn’t go back to work, he was heartbroken. So what it did to their family was awful. I don’t ever want to put my family through that.

I still don’t feel good. Not quite right. But I made a good start today. Hoping I carry on tomorrow. It’s just ten minutes, but who knows where I could end up.


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