New Plan of Attack!

If only I didn’t do them both!

I’ve been wondering how I can keep the weight down or even get some off before surgery.

Slimfast was my first thought, but even thinking about it makes me feel very ill. It would be a quick way of doing it, but I know sticking to it for any amount of time will be hard. Plus it will take me back to being 13 and sitting at the lunch table in school with my flask of strawberry Slimfast and having to sit there drinking it, while everyone else eats normal food. Gosh the thought makes me shudder!

My next idea was making food for the week, so I googled it and found some Youtube videos where people show you what they do and I’d liked this idea more. So I made up a load of Quorn and rice and put it in the fridge so I can eat it all week and not have to think about making food, which has made sticking to healthy foods alot easier.

I just need to vary it somehow next time. I don’t think I made enough for the whole week either, so need to practice and come up with some more ideas, there seems to be only one way I can make Quorn fillets, need to find something nice, but low fat to marinade them it.

I really want to get out more as well. I find it so hard though. I love this weather, the rain and wind, it’s my favourite time of year. I don’t really have any appropriate clothes for it, hoping this time next year it will be totally different. I’d love to take the dogs out for a nice long walk and get really cold and them dirty (Cady can’t stay clean in good weather!) and enjoy it. But I’m in so much pain all the time, walking kills me and makes me so out of breath, its just not fun, plus I still have anxiety when going out, I really want this all to go away, it’s one of the things I’m most looking forward to, just a simple long walk on a cold day with my dogs.

I also feel incredibly guilty that they don’t get to go out everyday, I feel like such a bad owner, this will change next year and there will be no stopping the three of us!

 

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Am I really just stupid?

I don’t understand it, I don’t think of myself as well educated, but at the same time, I, at least like to think, I’m not stupid.

I understand how it works, I know in minute detail what goes in, must be burned off.

I know whats healthy and I know whats “bad”.

I know if I don’t eat all day and then eat whatever I want its very bad.

I know if I eat three meals a day that are healthy I will feel good and lose weight.

But why oh why can’t I put this into practice.

What exactly am I missing?

I feel like in all the years I moved and had to change school (thanks for the four high schools mum!) at some point everyone was pulled aside and given a secret bit of advice that I am totally oblivious to!

It makes me feel like so much of a lesser person than everyone else. I can’t control myself, yet people of all kinds of educations and backgrounds can do it so easily. I’m looked down upon, felt sorry for, ridiculed and all because I can’t figure this out.

Is it really the addiction some scientists say it is (yeah good luck getting the masses believing that!), or am I just really useless compared to other people?

Good news is I got a letter this morning saying I was on the waiting list and would I be available at short notice etc.

Roll on surgery!

The Countdown!

… to an unknown date in February or March!

So I made it past the final consultant meeting and given the go ahead for the surgery, I am on the waiting list (back at my first appointment I’m sure she said was 2 weeks!), which is now a few months long as they are behind. Sad times, but I’m so very happy.

Apparently I was the only person on Tuesday to be put on the list, which is also odd as she said that once we had made it to the first meeting we were pretty much going to get the operation, it made me feel a bit weird as there were other people there before me and this one poor guy, he was very overweight and now I’ve been wondering whats going to happen to him. Maybe they will help him with a balloon or something first, I hope they haven’t given up on him!

I have been given a booklet on what will happen in the days around the surgery and been having a read of that. I must not put on anymore weight as I am on the cusp of what they will do. So back at it with passion. I lost the 15lbs at Slimming World, but slowly stopped going cos it was hard for me to get there and I wasn’t doing my best, so some of that has gone back on, but not all, which is a relief.

I know I have made the right decision now, I cannot do this no matter how hard I try. I am broken somewhere in my head and need the help which this is going to give me. It’s very daunting though, knowing that everything I know is going to change in the next few months! Can’t go back once its done!