Ha Ha!

20 May

Well I fooled you.

This is not me telling you I have surgery like I said, sorry I lied :p

I feel like I’m never going to get surgery so I am going to moan, then moan some more and moan again, just for fun!

Linda phoned the hospital today, no bed for her, she has to phone tomorrow and I hope and pray there is one there so she can have surgery tomorrow. If not, I guess it’s another week on the pre op for her and another delay and disappointment.

ExpectationI am so so annoyed by it all, I rang the hospital on Monday, I am so worried about my letter going missing, so I just want to check, I’ve done it about every two weeks, as I thought I was close with Linda getting hers and the lady wasn’t very happy about me ringing again, she said I don’t need to keep ringing, I will get my letter when I get it and it’s not going to go missing (cos shes going to deliver it personally of course!) I’m sure people get anxious especially about surgery like this, my life is on hold at the moment, there is so much I want to do and can’t because I’m waiting and waiting and waiting some more. I am so fed up of it all.

So I emailed Nia, to say I was sorry I kept ringing emailing etc every few weeks and was there any news, just so I have something to focus on, because the woman on admissions said she could see until the middle of July and there was nothing for me up until that point. Nia emailed back and said the anesthetist goes on holiday at the end of July, so baring any cancellations I’m looking at middle of August at the earliest.

It’s so frustrating, I really thought the process was quick and it’s been 16 months since that first meeting, it’s so disheartening, I just feel like time is running away and I’m going to be too old to do anything I want after surgery, (I know that still my biological clock screaming at me there and there is nothing I can do about it) I am panicking about it and no one can understand because they’ve not gone through the things I have. I pretend I’m okay with things, but sometimes I go to bed and I’m crying and I don’t know how or why, but I’m pretty sure it’s fear about what I’m never going to have.

I’ll go to bed tonight hoping and praying Linda can get her bed in the morning, because I want her to have it, but also for selfish reasons too, because at least I’m not delayed by another week, I know that is so wrong, and I feel incredibly guilty but I can’t help it :(

In other news, yesterday I decided to try and do a week of no carbs at all! I know it’s going to be hard, but I want to prepare for pre op diet and obviously post op, that will be different I know, but I want to give it a go. I have been reading up on carbs more lately with Clare and we have been talking alot about it and with her help I’ve realised some things. I am a vegetarian so carbs are all I live on with some protein with Quorn and eggs etc, so this week is going to be very hard, I’m not saying I’m going to make the whole week, but I’m working on it each day/meal at a time.

I’ve done well today; it is Day One after all! I am dreading when ketosis sets in, but hopefully I can fight through it and come out feeling better and losing a bit of weight, I would like to lose 7lbs this week, if I could do that I would be so happy, but lately it’s been 1½lbs which is very disappointing to me.

Food today:

2 quorn burgers with low low cheese slices on

Salad of lettuce, red onion, cucumber and tomatoes

4 egg omelette with milk, cheese and red onion

salted peanuts

I think that was good for me! But I do find it hard as I am following Slimming World too, so that is always in my mind and I’m afraid of eating something thats not on plan or going over on my syns and not having enough healthy  extras (2 As and Bs on Green!)

So sadly for anyone who reads (ty :D) I might be back alot this week just to keep my head focused and hopefully I can tell you Linda has had her operation (fingers crossed!!)

Bye for now! x



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