Head is far behind

25 May

I needed to buy a top for the party last night, so yesterday when my dad picked me up I went and got one from Yours, I don’t normally wear colours, but didn’t want to wear black or white and saw this which I thought was cute.

While I was there I thought I would pick up some trousers, I don’t have that many as it is, but am so fed up of them dragging along the ground and getting wet (thank you British Summer Time!) I thought I would take a look. They had sizes in 30/32 and 26/28 then it was just 24, 22, 20 etc, so I thought I would get the 26/28, I didn’t try them on, the horror as I’m sure many of you will know or remember of trying to change into something in a changing room is just beyond awful, the sweating and hotness, the cramped spaces, the embarrassment if they don’t fit, no thank you, I will deal with it at home! So you either take things home hoping and praying that they fit, so you don’t have to return them to the shop, I hate doing that so, hooray if they do!

happiestI got home and thought I better try everything on, the trousers were way too big and I thought damnit, I don’t want to wear them so they’re dragging again, but I didn’t want to ask my dad to take me back to town, so after talking to Clare I thought sod it, and got them together and went on the bus, I love the freedom I am getting now, it’s getting less and less scary being out there, but I still have my moments, mostly brought on by other people (A little girl in Boots, while I was weighing, I wanted to tell her she was a horrible little girl and her parents should be ashamed of her, but I restrained myself, pretended to be an adult and walked away!) but sometimes, just because my own head conjures up things people might be thinking and saying, I hate that so much.

I got to the store and was all hot and horrible, because it’s warm, but raining atm, so I had to have a coat on, the one good thing about Yours, they realise who their customer is and keep the aircon on, oh that was so nice as I was stood in the queue waiting to be served. I looked for a size 24 still not believing I could fit into it, I’ve always had to get the largest size in shops have which is usually 30/32 sometimes you may be lucky and get a 32/34 (the shame) but they didn’t have a 24, so I was contemplating just walking back out and making do, but something made me pick up the 22, think it was the thought of maybe getting my operation Soon™ [ WoW] or thinking they might fit in a few weeks, so I exchanged them not thinking they would even come close to me. Went and got a drink from Costa and got the bus back home.

Then I got my shock.. not only did they fit, they were not tight in the slightest, okay they are stretchy material and have an elastic waistband, but they fit, there is no way they would have a few months ago. Clare seems to think sizes have got bigger and maybe they have, but it made me feel a bit better before going out! I felt very good, which is a nice change :)

But it’s funny, I have read about people doing that, they see themselves are bigger than they actually are and I never thought I would be one of them, least not yet at this size!

I went to get a salad for dinner today, I had some red Devil Sauce with it, which I love, so god knows how many carbs in that, but I think I have done pretty well in that department, last day, woo. But it doesn’t really matter, I don’t know what I am doing wrong with my Byetta, but it is constantly making me sick, not just nausea, which is pretty bad, but terrible tummy pains and physically sick. I have been taking it for about five months now and Clare and most searches I have done seem to think the nausea should stop after six weeks and I shouldn’t be physically sick, especially not this far out, not unless I’m eating alot of food, which I can guarantee I am not, not even close. So I don’t know what is causing it, does anyone else have this experience with Byetta? I’ve read about pancreatitis being caused with Byetta, but I don’t think the pain is severe enough for it to be that, and it would be a bit dramatic! So Tuesday I shall ring Sian and see what she says I should do. But on the other hand, I do not want to stop taking it, because the thought of putting all this weight back on would be horrendous, I just don’t want to go there at all. So I don’t know what to do, two days in a row, I have been physically ill off small amounts of food, maybe its the fat in it, I’m not sure, but again, no food today, because I am now too scared to eat! Fun times.

If I don’t lose anything tomorrow I’m going to go crazy! You have been warned :p

H x

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