Archive | June, 2014

Get it together, Head!

26 Jun

The Head.
It’s a bad place sometimes. Maybe even all the time.
How do you train it to do what you want it to do and stick to it. I have so much work to do and I don’t know where to begin.
I thought I was doing do much better, but I’m not, as soon as I got stressed back I went to my favourite place. Food.

Yesterday I went for an MRI scan. I’m scared of being trapped in things anyway, I don’t like my legs or hands being trapped even under a blanket, the thought of handcuffs or a straight jacket freak me out so much. I don’t know if it’s to do with being obese and getting stuck in something is so much more possible than if you are tiny, but it’s always worried me, I thought it was claustrophobia my whole life until last year when I found out it was cleithrophobia. I knew it was going to be hard, but I thought I could keep myself calm enough to get through it, boy was I wrong.

As I went in I told her I had a bit of a fear, but she said it would be okay and explained what would happen and it would take about 12 minutes. She told me to get on the bed which I did, she gave me the panic button and put the headset over my head ready to in. So far so good. She told me she wouldn’t leave the room until I was comfortable and the machine started moving me back. My head went into the tunnel and it was very close, but I was breathing through it, thinking it’s ok, you can do this. Then my body starts going in, I can feel it getting tighter around my shoulders, I was breathing deeper, but coping, then it got to where my hands were resting on my stomach and it stopped moving, I should have known there to stop, but she told me to put my hands down, I did what she said but I knew it was a mistake, the machine kept moving me in and all of a sudden my hands were trapped against the side of the machine, but it was still trying to move me in and then I don’t even know what happened, I was shouting I can’t do it, I’m stuck, stop, I was breathing like crazy, my feet were going mad kicking against the bed, I was crying, sweating, dry mouth. I had no control of myself at all.
They tried to move the bed back out and it was stuck and I was in such a state, I was saying I need to move my hands above my head, but I couldn’t do it, there was nothing I could do. It was the most horrific thing I have ever experienced. I didn’t know how I was going to get out of there, my hands were pushed against the sides and the bed was sticking, she was trying to get me to calm down, but there was nothing I could do. I thought I was going to be in there forever. Clearly I got out! How I don’t know, but I can honestly say they were the worst ten seconds of my life. Safe to say I didn’t get the scan of my spine! I was in such a state. It’s all I have thought about since, it keeps making me panic. It was my worst fear coming true, I was stuck hard in something I couldn’t control. Writing this is bringing back the feelings, it was awful and something I never ever want to repeat. Even slim people have panic attacks in them, so I don’t think it was a wise idea to put an obese person in a tiny tunnel! I’ve since looked on line and apparently she could have put me in feet first, why on earth she didn’t do that I will never know. My arms and face would have been clear then, as its on my lower spine. So now I have to go and see the doctor again and hope they can get me into an open scanner somewhere around here. I never want to do that ever again. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone ever!

I got out of the scanner and the mobile unit it was in and went to my dad, he could see something was very wrong, I had to get out of there and I needed a drink and some sugar badly! First thing we did was go to a shop so I could get some water (so lucky I didn’t pick up Pepsi Max!) and a Mars bar.
That would have been fine if I had just stopped there, but did I? Hell no.
Went to Tesco and picked up crisps and chocolate and some french stick, went home and ate it all and I still haven’t stopped today. Got up and had to go out and ended up getting myself an egg McMuffin and hash brown.. and no not one, but two of them and I have carried on eating sweets and chocolate and crisps today.

I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to go back, I had 5lbs to lose to get to my target BMI before the operation 5! On weighing in Boots today, I have 14lbs again. When will I learn. I won’t be able to turn to food after the operation, I don’t even want to try it, but how do I get my head to do the right thing?
I need to be in a good place before my pre op and I thought I was getting there, but clearly I’m not and this whole situation has really affected me. I don’t want to be one of the ones who can’t have surgery cos their liver is too big, or I get it and I start sucking chocolate because I haven’t sorted out my head.

Humans are too complicated!
Head, just please do as I say and all will be well! Tomorrow is a new day, lets see what I can do. Take it one day at a time Hayley and make the right choices before it’s too late.

Make the right one.

Make the right one.



20 Jun

I didn’t do what I said I was going to do, however I did stick to no carbs or very low I should say, and I had a good week again, 8lb loss.

Was very pleased with it, but I’ve gone terrible this week again, seems if I do a good low carb week, I can’t cope with it all the week after and go a bit junk crazy :( Ah well, as long as I don’t give up I can keep going down even if I have a gain this week, next week will be better.

I had a reply from Nia, to an email I sent her, I did ring her and she didn’t seem too happy and I couldn’t hear her very well so I emailed her to apologise  and I got this back;

Don’t worry Hayley. I wouldn’t let you miss your appointments….I’d be knocking your front door first!!.


Hoping to plan the August list when Mr Barry returns from leave at the end of next week so fingers crossed, you’ll have a date then. xxx

So I am feeling very optimistic. Whether that’s being naïve on my part I don’t know, but I want to hope it’s true and I get a nice letter with a pre-op date soon.

In non surgery news I have a date for my MRI/CT (not entirely sure which one I’m getting) scan for next Wednesday, for my spine, I cannot wait for that, I am in constant pain with it, getting up from a sitting position is getting harder and harder, so would really like some good medication for it and to know once and for all if I have arthritis in my spine as well as my hips!


Oooh I was in Morrisons today and I was paying for a pot of tea and the woman told me I had such a smiley face, she said it was very open or something, I think it was a new way to tell me I was fat! hahaha

H x


12 Jun

Thinking I need a recipe page to add some links so I remember.. Hmm what to do?

For now I’m putting this here, sounds very nice!

This is me! :D

This is me! :D

Enter title here

12 Jun

I hate thinking of post titles! It’s very hard.

Not much new to say for today.

I did go to the class at the leisure centre, it was alot of fun, I did feel a bit dizzy and sickly towards the end, so I sat and had a rest, but I really enjoyed it. Very hard work though, but I’ll go back, I think I can do an easier class tomorrow, but I’m not sure if I can go yet.

Food is going well, keeping carbs down, though I did have some Quorn Savoury Eggs yesterday, but that was because I went with my sister to Ystrad Mynach for an interview to get on a cabin crew course (yes she has the perfect look for it, cowbag!!!) and I was sat in the car for two hours waiting for and I had eaten nothing since the morning so I had to have something to eat and it was the best thing I could find at Tesco. Not to worry, it’s not huge amounts and had some nice protein in them.

Going to bulk cook some vege protien food!

Linda Mccartney sausages, Quorn Low Fat sausages and Tesco Meat Free Bacon

Linda Mccartney sausages, Quorn Low Fat sausages and Tesco Meat Free Bacon

I can do this!

11 Jun

It’s getting very easy to avoid the carbs now, I’m quite liking this in all honesty.

I think I will link My Fitness Pal up to here if I can, so I don’t have to write everything down, I’m trying to keep under 1,200 calories, but I may go over sometimes, but at my weight I don’t think it’s too much of an issue!

I really really really! want to ring Nia and ask if the op is still likely for the middle of August or has it been pushed back again, but I’m too scared to know the answer too, why oh why couldn’t I go in with Linda, makes me crazy if I think about it too much, and I’m pretty crazy as it is, so that is NOT a good thing! Haha

I’m off to a class at the local leisure centre today, I used to go two and a half years ago, but then my nan was sick, my husband and I split and my nan died, so that kind of stopped me going there, but I’ve redone the Exercise Referral again and am going to give it another go. I wouldn’t have thought I would like a class, but it’s really quite fun and this is the easier ones for the older and disabled people, so I fit right in! lol



Off we go

10 Jun

It wasn’t as bad as I thought woo.. infact it was pretty good.

As I got on the scales I said if it’s under 5lb loss I’ll be happy, it was 2½ off! I couldn’t believe it, made me very happy. I have no idea how that happened at all, but I’ll take it and hope it doesn’t catch back up with me next week!

I’m feeling very determined this morning, so hoping that continues.


One day at a time

Week is starting.. again

9 Jun

I need to prepare myself again for a good week. I have done terribly bad the last two weeks after such a good week when I was doing protein only. I need to do that again.

I think keeping track on here and making a post everyday seemed to help me, so I will do that after weigh-in tonight for this week. I was just 12lb away from my mini target of where I wanted to be before I went back to the hospital and I’m dreading what tonight is going to say. I feel so close to surgery, but then when I think about it, August, seems so far away, and who knows if it will even be then. I hate not knowing when it will be, I can’t make any plans, because everything is on hold.

So fresh start with much less carbs, more protein and more tracking and blogging and hopefully I can get my BMI down!


Back soon H xim-not-giving-up


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