Get it together, Head!

26 Jun

The Head.
It’s a bad place sometimes. Maybe even all the time.
How do you train it to do what you want it to do and stick to it. I have so much work to do and I don’t know where to begin.
I thought I was doing do much better, but I’m not, as soon as I got stressed back I went to my favourite place. Food.

Yesterday I went for an MRI scan. I’m scared of being trapped in things anyway, I don’t like my legs or hands being trapped even under a blanket, the thought of handcuffs or a straight jacket freak me out so much. I don’t know if it’s to do with being obese and getting stuck in something is so much more possible than if you are tiny, but it’s always worried me, I thought it was claustrophobia my whole life until last year when I found out it was cleithrophobia. I knew it was going to be hard, but I thought I could keep myself calm enough to get through it, boy was I wrong.

As I went in I told her I had a bit of a fear, but she said it would be okay and explained what would happen and it would take about 12 minutes. She told me to get on the bed which I did, she gave me the panic button and put the headset over my head ready to in. So far so good. She told me she wouldn’t leave the room until I was comfortable and the machine started moving me back. My head went into the tunnel and it was very close, but I was breathing through it, thinking it’s ok, you can do this. Then my body starts going in, I can feel it getting tighter around my shoulders, I was breathing deeper, but coping, then it got to where my hands were resting on my stomach and it stopped moving, I should have known there to stop, but she told me to put my hands down, I did what she said but I knew it was a mistake, the machine kept moving me in and all of a sudden my hands were trapped against the side of the machine, but it was still trying to move me in and then I don’t even know what happened, I was shouting I can’t do it, I’m stuck, stop, I was breathing like crazy, my feet were going mad kicking against the bed, I was crying, sweating, dry mouth. I had no control of myself at all.
They tried to move the bed back out and it was stuck and I was in such a state, I was saying I need to move my hands above my head, but I couldn’t do it, there was nothing I could do. It was the most horrific thing I have ever experienced. I didn’t know how I was going to get out of there, my hands were pushed against the sides and the bed was sticking, she was trying to get me to calm down, but there was nothing I could do. I thought I was going to be in there forever. Clearly I got out! How I don’t know, but I can honestly say they were the worst ten seconds of my life. Safe to say I didn’t get the scan of my spine! I was in such a state. It’s all I have thought about since, it keeps making me panic. It was my worst fear coming true, I was stuck hard in something I couldn’t control. Writing this is bringing back the feelings, it was awful and something I never ever want to repeat. Even slim people have panic attacks in them, so I don’t think it was a wise idea to put an obese person in a tiny tunnel! I’ve since looked on line and apparently she could have put me in feet first, why on earth she didn’t do that I will never know. My arms and face would have been clear then, as its on my lower spine. So now I have to go and see the doctor again and hope they can get me into an open scanner somewhere around here. I never want to do that ever again. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone ever!

I got out of the scanner and the mobile unit it was in and went to my dad, he could see something was very wrong, I had to get out of there and I needed a drink and some sugar badly! First thing we did was go to a shop so I could get some water (so lucky I didn’t pick up Pepsi Max!) and a Mars bar.
That would have been fine if I had just stopped there, but did I? Hell no.
Went to Tesco and picked up crisps and chocolate and some french stick, went home and ate it all and I still haven’t stopped today. Got up and had to go out and ended up getting myself an egg McMuffin and hash brown.. and no not one, but two of them and I have carried on eating sweets and chocolate and crisps today.

I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to go back, I had 5lbs to lose to get to my target BMI before the operation 5! On weighing in Boots today, I have 14lbs again. When will I learn. I won’t be able to turn to food after the operation, I don’t even want to try it, but how do I get my head to do the right thing?
I need to be in a good place before my pre op and I thought I was getting there, but clearly I’m not and this whole situation has really affected me. I don’t want to be one of the ones who can’t have surgery cos their liver is too big, or I get it and I start sucking chocolate because I haven’t sorted out my head.

Humans are too complicated!
Head, just please do as I say and all will be well! Tomorrow is a new day, lets see what I can do. Take it one day at a time Hayley and make the right choices before it’s too late.

Make the right one.

Make the right one.

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3 Responses to “Get it together, Head!”

  1. Not Weighting for my Dreams June 26, 2014 at 21:54 #

    It is so hard to get passed the emotional eating. Especially after a traumatic experience like that. I would have been terrified. Don’t beat yourself up. One day will not undo everything. Pick back up and start again. It’s hard to change mentally and physically without having some slip ups. You can do it and it will be worth it.

    • Hayley July 4, 2014 at 19:58 #

      Oh thank you, it is terribly hard sometimes, I am learning though if I screw up to just keep going, I can’t go backwards because I don’t want to be where I was before.
      Just want my appointment to hurry up so I know where I am. Hate being in limbo :/

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