I’m Still Stuck

13 Jul

I finally made it back here, I stay away when I’m doing bad, just like push the whole blog and everything to do with as far away as possible because I feel useless and guilty and a complete failure, and coming anywhere near my blog is a big no no when I’m not eating right I feel like a fraud.

But I am so fed up at the moment, I can’t control myself again. Ever since my melt down I’ve been on a downward spiral and I can’t break free.

When I went back to Slimming World, some how I had gained 22lb!! Yes 22 in two weeks. I was devastated, I knew I had put on some cos I felt awful, I was expecting a stone (14lbs) at the most, but when I saw what it was I was shocked to say the least. I started to wonder if it could have been the morphine and it possibly was. In itself that doesn’t make you gain weight but, it can make you crave sugary things, and I couldn’t stop eating sweets that week and also you get constipation from it and I had it very bad, so I was praying that’s what had caused it. I came off the medication and I lost 6½ I was a bit disappointed in that and this week has gone awful again. I think I’m trying to do too much and thinking about too many things at once and failing at them all wonderfully!
I’m going to Slimming World as I have said and it’s a great diet, I know it works well for me, but at the same time I have a voice in my head (might be called Clare! not sure on that!!!) telling me its carbs carbs carbs and I need to avoid them. So I stay away from them and can’t be bothered to just eat Quorn, so I just end up eating cheese strings and peanuts, which then just makes me hungry and I will buy junk food, so I can’t keep doing this. I need to get back on the Slimming World plan and just try and limit the carbs, but no worry as much as I am about it. I still have a big stomach and it wants food in it! I will deal with whatever I crave after the op after I’ve had the op, I can’t keep trying to live like I’ve had it when I haven’t, it’s making me crazy!

As I’ve said I was only 5lb from the target I wanted before I went back to the hospital, but I don’t think I’m going to make it now, I’m at least 19lbs away now, and after getting an email from Nia, I thought it was going to give me motivation, but it’s just sent me into panic mode instead!
My brain just doesn’t work right at all! lol

This is the email I got, I don’t know if that means it’s potentially my op date or not. I don’t know what to make of it just yet, but here’s hoping!

Hi Hayley,

 

As you want a gastric bypass and that operation requires that both consultant surgeons are available until the 10th of September.

Letters will be sent out by the waiting list department with a date for your pre-assessment appointment in August.

How do I pull it all back together, I’m so confused :(

if_youre_going_through_hell_keep_going-381937

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