Weekenders

I started a gym membership two weeks ago, but I really hate where it is! And it’s scary walking through Newport at night, luckily it’s a contractless one, so I don’t need to keep going, just annoyed though cos it’s a really nice place. Maybe when they finish Friars Walk I’ll go back, who knows, but in the meantime, my lovely (sometimes!!!) friend has bought me something to be getting on with, finally getting the Fitbit Surge! Yay, so happy it’s coming tomorrow. I am such a fussy cow, I have tried countless fitness watches and sent them all back, cos I knew in my heart I wanted whatever the replacement was for the fitbit that was pulled last year and finally tomorrow I get it!

I have my car back permanent today, I have been out driving most of the day, I just need someone to sit with me so I can do it more, I love being able to drive, I just hope I pass all the tests, really want to get out there by myself so I can get better and not rely on anyone, no stopping me soon!

I have noticed I find it really easy to eat bad food, not because it’s what  I want, but because it doesn’t sit heavy in my pouch, this is so not what I want though. So back to lots of protein today, before I had scrambled eggs I was desperate to have a digestive biscuit as soon as I started eating the eggs, I was so damn full and that’s what has always been my problem, so I need to keep it in check before I go any further, I eat all the junky non nutritious food before I bother to go and cook because it’s “easy” yes Hayley an easy way to sit in the house and not go out not move not breathe and not live life. Let’s not go back there shall we.

Protein, Protein, Protein!

I waste so much damn food though. Eat LEFTOVERS!!!! I am bloody useless lol

I had a lovely weekend, my friend came to visit me, we had a very lazy weekend, staying snuggled up nice and warm while watching loads of films, of course he bought junk food, while I had some I didn’t go overboard, it’s just not worth it I guess, I don’t seem to get early dumping though, mine seems to be late and I really don’t like that feeling!
We even went to cinema and had no snacks there, I was very impressed with myself, however we did go to Pizza Hut after and I had a salad and a slice of a child’s pizza lol it was nice and it was enough, brought the rest home and I didn’t touch it, the dogs enjoyed it!

The dogs should get a nice walk tomorrow when I get my watch on!

So excited

Todays quote is something I need to remember every single day. I shall never master this, just learn to deal with it the best I can.

Soon H x

 

I know what I’m doing!

This morning I went to the funeral of my Godsisters nan. I had only met her a few times, but I went to support them as I knew it was going to be hard for them. Their mother (the nans daughter) died nine years ago from cancer, it was such a bad time for them and the circumstances with which it all happened were horrible, so I wanted to go with them to help them through it, even just a little.

Sadly there was no mention of their mother, which really hurt them, they have no idea why her husband didn’t tell him to mention her at all. They were quite upset about that, which is very understandable.
We went to the wake with them and then we decided to go out for a meal at a local pub. I had acheese salad, even though that wasn’t on the menu, they did it for me! I ate hardly anything of it, probably thought I was so rude! hahah never mind.

When I got home, I’m afraid a Jaffa cake ended up in my mouth, but it was a bit of an unsual day, so I’ll forgive myself. But look at me, going straight to food for comfort! Not happy about that!

Had another good driving lesson yesterday, it was a better day as well food wise, and today I drove to the next town and picked up my beautiful niece from school and brought her home. It is SO much more stressful driving with my dad in the car, lol he makes me panic then! I’m sure he wasn’t like that with my brother, but he was always much more cocky and confident, I’m a little more reserved so it probably makes him think I don’t know what I’m doing. But goddamnit I do!! lol

Todays Motto!

Soon

H x

I tempt you with Pizza..!

A whole junk free day yesterday!
Almost through today and I’m doing good too.I bought some Granola earlier, while yes the carbs are high, the protein is too, and as I’m only have a spoonful or two in some Total Greek yoghurt, I’m not going to let that bother me, it filled me up quite alot as well, which is definitely a bonus!

Went out for coffee for a friends birthday, did some shopping and took my car out for a drive. I am really enjoying driving, I still make mistakes, and I hate, hate, HATE changing gears when on a roundabout.. whose bright idea were roundabouts?! I’m not perfect yet, far from it, I stalled at some lights.. took my foot off clutch and not enough power on the accelerator, but I will get there soon enough. People who have to put up with my stalls, don’t bother me, they can see the L plates, they can sit there and patiently wait lol. I think tomorrow will be my sixth lesson, either five or six, I can’t remember! Never ever did I think I would get to drive while I was married, not at all, so this feels so empowering! It’s mine and i’m doing it for me!

My friend Clare, found a recipe today and said it was delicious and as it was pizza of course I had to try it! And it was very tasty indeed.
If anyone is interested its here NomNomPizza Mine looked like this.

Soonly

H x

Moving More

Walking has been such an issue for me for quite a while.

Back pain
Foot burn
Sweating
Shoulder pain
Hip pain
Breathless

Those are just a few of the things I can think of right now.
I hated it, I didn’t want to walk anywhere, if I could find a way to get closer to where I was going by car, then I would, much to my sister’s annoyance lol, but I’m so happy to say that most of the problems have gone away, but the weird thing is, I don’t remember not feeling like that, ever, when I was going up in weight I can’t remember not being in pain at this weight. I feel like I have always been in pain, so to walk now and not feel so bad, is a wonderful feeling. I love being able to walk and not get breathless and my feet not burn like mad. I’ve also started putting music on loud and just standing up and dancing! I haven’t ever done that, but it feels good, I hate the fat jiggling about, but my dogs seem to enjoy it and I definitely do, so it’s all good for now, long as no one walks in my house and catches me!! I do still need to get out walking more, but I am enjoying the changes so much, even if I do get miserable every so often, hopefully it will pass soon and I’m looking forward to see what happens in the next few months.

I am half way through the day today and I have not given into the biscuit or Jaffa cake temptations. I really don’t want to give them away or throw them out, I want to be able to control myself properly, but goddamnit its hard. But I’m gonna do this!

I am keeping one of my tablets close to me all day I have decided, so I can try and write some more, just for me, it will probably just be none sense or useless to anyone else, but this is mainly about me, so I’m thinking so what, I started this for me, yes I allow others to read and I enjoy it when people contact me or leave a message, but it’s about my journey whether I feel good or bad, happy or sad, I want to document it, even if it’s only a few lines.
So it’s part of new plan :)

Soon H x

Miserable Post.. No Really I Am Miserable!

Be warned, most of this is moaning about how hard everything is for me. I wouldn’t even read it! ;)

Oh how I wish surgery had been a magic wand.

Last week I pushed myself too far, I really thought I was going to pass out or something. I had what I guess was late dumping. I felt so ill, my blood sugars were 2.8, I was sweating and my legs and arms felt weird and I felt awful to say the least, a few hours earlier I had eaten quite a bit of sugar, but how did I deal with it..? Smartly.. oh no I ate a biscuit instead.
Most of the time I am fine, but lately, well since Christmas, I have been keeping Jaffa Cakes in the house, I have come to the conclusion that this is not smart! I cannot have anything in the house other wise I feel like it needs to be eaten, not all at once, like I used to before, but I will have one now and again and it feels like too much, I don’t want to eat anything like that, so tomorrow I shall be giving everything to my dad (or just throwing it all out!)

Being a vegetarian never bothered me before, but now since surgery I wish I wasn’t, but there is nothing I can do to convince myself I can eat meat. I cooked some chicken for the dogs yesterday and I was cutting it up I wondered for a moment, could I eat some. I picked it up and as soon as I smelt it, it just turned my stomach, there was no way I could put that in my mouth and force myself to swallow it. Not a chance.
So back to trying to find interesting ways to get protein in and not too many carbs. It feels like such a struggle every damn day.

This last week has been so tough too, I have not wanted to do anything at all. I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to play World of Warcraft <3 and I’ve told my Slimming World consultant I’m not coming on Monday, she then rang me and I burst into tears and couldn’t speak.
I have no idea what is going on. I have been on citalopram for about six years and apart from the attempted suicide (because the dose was too strong) I have been brilliant on them, whether it is me making the effort, the tablets themselves or just the idea of the tablets, I have been getting better every year, after not going out for three years, I wouldn’t even go out into my back garden, because I didn’t want my neighbours to see me! I was very sad and ashamed back then.
So this last week I have been wondering what is going on. I know Nia said it would be like a rollercoaster, but I’ve been ok, I am happy with the surgery I wouldn’t change anything, so I’ve thought am I absorbing my medication correctly is that what’s causing the problem, I don’t want to go back to being that person. That part of my life is done now. I never want to be like that again, so I need to fix this as soon as I can, so I don’t end up in exactly the same situation I was in before, then all this would have been pointless!

In less miserable news, I have been taking driving lessons and I think I’m doing okay, I will be doing my theory soon, but I’m not telling anyone when, incase I don’t pass! I’m only 20 years too late, but at least I’m getting there!

I am starting to see more changes in my face again. I really think I am going to have to have a neck lift! I am not liking how this is going right now. But after seeing the pics at https://flirtybythirty.wordpress.com/ and how her plastic surgery has gone, it’s something I will definitely look into when the time comes!

I’ll leave you with some pics a year apart.

Hope to be back soon

H x

07/01/2014

07/01/2015 – Ooh look, hernia :'(

Jan 2014

Jan 2015

Me with Retrica! Always makes it better!!