Miserable Post.. No Really I Am Miserable!

17 Jan

Be warned, most of this is moaning about how hard everything is for me. I wouldn’t even read it! ;)

Oh how I wish surgery had been a magic wand.

Last week I pushed myself too far, I really thought I was going to pass out or something. I had what I guess was late dumping. I felt so ill, my blood sugars were 2.8, I was sweating and my legs and arms felt weird and I felt awful to say the least, a few hours earlier I had eaten quite a bit of sugar, but how did I deal with it..? Smartly.. oh no I ate a biscuit instead.
Most of the time I am fine, but lately, well since Christmas, I have been keeping Jaffa Cakes in the house, I have come to the conclusion that this is not smart! I cannot have anything in the house other wise I feel like it needs to be eaten, not all at once, like I used to before, but I will have one now and again and it feels like too much, I don’t want to eat anything like that, so tomorrow I shall be giving everything to my dad (or just throwing it all out!)

Being a vegetarian never bothered me before, but now since surgery I wish I wasn’t, but there is nothing I can do to convince myself I can eat meat. I cooked some chicken for the dogs yesterday and I was cutting it up I wondered for a moment, could I eat some. I picked it up and as soon as I smelt it, it just turned my stomach, there was no way I could put that in my mouth and force myself to swallow it. Not a chance.
So back to trying to find interesting ways to get protein in and not too many carbs. It feels like such a struggle every damn day.

This last week has been so tough too, I have not wanted to do anything at all. I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to play World of Warcraft <3 and I’ve told my Slimming World consultant I’m not coming on Monday, she then rang me and I burst into tears and couldn’t speak.
I have no idea what is going on. I have been on citalopram for about six years and apart from the attempted suicide (because the dose was too strong) I have been brilliant on them, whether it is me making the effort, the tablets themselves or just the idea of the tablets, I have been getting better every year, after not going out for three years, I wouldn’t even go out into my back garden, because I didn’t want my neighbours to see me! I was very sad and ashamed back then.
So this last week I have been wondering what is going on. I know Nia said it would be like a rollercoaster, but I’ve been ok, I am happy with the surgery I wouldn’t change anything, so I’ve thought am I absorbing my medication correctly is that what’s causing the problem, I don’t want to go back to being that person. That part of my life is done now. I never want to be like that again, so I need to fix this as soon as I can, so I don’t end up in exactly the same situation I was in before, then all this would have been pointless!

In less miserable news, I have been taking driving lessons and I think I’m doing okay, I will be doing my theory soon, but I’m not telling anyone when, incase I don’t pass! I’m only 20 years too late, but at least I’m getting there!

I am starting to see more changes in my face again. I really think I am going to have to have a neck lift! I am not liking how this is going right now. But after seeing the pics at https://flirtybythirty.wordpress.com/ and how her plastic surgery has gone, it’s something I will definitely look into when the time comes!

I’ll leave you with some pics a year apart.

Hope to be back soon

H x

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