Archive | February, 2015

Who is SHE?!

22 Feb

I got up yesterday and knew I wanted to go for a walk. I got the dogs ready, much to their excitement and off we went towards the Abbey.

This image makes me laugh! Coaches?! Do they wrap around the tree!

This image makes me laugh! Coaches?! Do they wrap around the tree!

I love it there. As I was walking I was thinking about how different life is, and how much I am enjoying just walking. For three years the furthest I would go was from my bed, where my pc was to the bathroom, probably 15 steps in total, I didn’t even go downstairs! Now I am out walking just because I can, for no other reason, it feels so wonderful, I walked 7.5 miles yesterday and over 17,000 steps. I then came home and walked to town. I really don’t know who I am, but I’m liking it!

2015-02-21 13.31.20

Happiness is a lower number on here!

When I came home from the first four mile walk, I was greeted with this little lovely. The last time I weighed in this stone bracket was sometime in 2003, I wasn’t there long before all the 7 stone I lost went back on and five stone more! I was devestated. But here it is again, now just to get lower and lower. I am in alot of pain with all this extra movment, when I found out about the arthritis the doctor asked me if I had pain down my leg with it and when I said no, he said I was lucky, but something is going on with it now. I have a radiating pain deep in my right leg, thighish area that I feel down into my calf and my foot. I get it when I’m walking and then it wakes me up most nights as well and I have to move to try and get back to sleep, its so very painful. But I did have a letter asking me to phone the hospital to make an appoinment, which I’m guessing is for the injections into my spine to stop it, so first thing tomorrow that is what I’m going to be doing, right before my driving lesson (can’t be many more before I go for my test!).

Who am I?

Who am I?

I have alot to do this week, but hoping I find to get out and do some walking, I was feeling a bit sad I couldn’t go today, it was ranining so bad and I really wanted to go out, but hoping the second half of the week will allow me to get out and walk with my baby girls. So right now in the words of Nikki Graham “Who is she?, Who is she?, WHO IS SHE?!” Soon H x

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Teenager AGAIN!

19 Feb
Happiness is this!

Happiness is this!

Upped my protein and water yesterday and woke up to this!

I have not been this happy for a long time. Only just into the teens, but it’s bloody in there!

Soon H x

Revision? Yes please!

16 Feb

It’s by far from easy.
437e7700ef33568a4558ca0e02f980b4The people who read what they read have no clue. The people who say it’s the easy way out have no clue. Hell even the people who have had weight loss surgery have no clue. No one knows or understands your journey, your pain, your insecurities and your struggles but you.

I spent years and years reading up on people stories on what to expect, I thought I was ready for everything, but that’s quite laughable really now when I think about it. Everything I go through is so different to what the next person goes through. No matter how much you read and prepare, your journey is unique to you.
Your starting weight, co-morbidities, what you lose before surgery, what you lose preop, how much your surgeon by passes of your intestine and your stomach, each different centimetre could make a world of difference to how things are for you.

Some days I struggle, a lot.
Not because I wish I never had the surgery, not at all, but I wish I had more control over things. I lost about seven stone before surgery. I took my time, but I did it so I could get the rny that I wanted and not have to have the sleeve converted to bypass at a later date. But some days I do wonder if losing that weight has slowed me down. I am five months out and five stone down. I have been stuck at the same weight for about six weeks and it’s very frustrating. I am 281 and been going up and down to 292 all this time, for the last two weeks it’s been around 281-284 and I’m fed up of it.
Maybe I need to be more perfect with food. I am walking every day, so I don’t think it’s exercise, I’m doing about 10,000 steps every day I even did over 20,000 one day last weekend this is a huge thing for me. But I know bad food does end up in my mouth, then of course the hate, guilt and sickness turn up pretty soon after and I vow no more, I’m done. But it seems I never am.

You would think being on my own makes it easier, only having to get food for me, only cooking what I want, but it’s not, not when you have spent your whole adult life with another person. Having their opinion, input, ideas, conversation, company or even just someone to fight with when you need to, I miss that, I miss doing things with another person. When I go out for my walks, I like that I can go where I want, but it would be nice to share that with someone, someone to laugh with when the dogs do something funny, or looking at a nice view, or when the sky looks pretty. It can be very lonely when you’re used to another person. I never really had much time to think about it before. So focused on surgery, I had no time to think about the changes, I was just getting on with them because I had to. But lately I don’t want to be on the PC and I don’t want to sit in doing nothing, I guess I have time to think when we go walking. Don’t get me wrong, I love how much more independent I am these days, I expect nothing would have changed if these things never happened, I’m loving driving and going out places, but I wish I could have been this person before, I wish I had never relied on a man, I wish I had never given up my job.
How different things would/could have been, if only..
At the moment I like it when Matthew comes to stay, it breaks up my time and I can do something different. I enjoy watching movies and cooking with him again. Cooking is no fun post bypass on your own. We cook together and it makes it fun again for that short time and I know the food isn’t going to be wasted and I have to cook because he needs the food. But on my own I just can’t be bothered. Knowing it’s going to be wasted or cooking a very small amount just feels pointless.
I was walking around Tesco yesterday, I wanted something filling and healthy, but I was just so mad at food, I know that’s stupid, but I couldn’t help it. Nothing I wanted. Not even junk food. I just wanted never to eat again, and there are days I really wish that was possible. Not to be a slave to food would be wonderful. Oh how I wish it had been brain surgery too, wouldn’t that have been nice!

I have no idea what the plan is now, maybe this is it. Being 32 stone and losing 12 is a lot I guess, Mr Barry did say I would get to 18 stone which is only two more to lose. Maybe it’s as good as it gets after letting myself get so big. I wish and hope it isn’t so, I would like another six off, but if this is it, then I can’t really complain, my life is a world away from how it was two years ago. Even from this time last year, I can see a huge improvement in my life, so I have to be grateful for that. But I am sad at the moment and the only thing that’s going to change that is getting away from 20 stone, well away and I just can’t see that happening right now.
I honestly don’t know what to do.

I saw someone ask if there was a revision she could have after bypass not working for her! I don’t think there even is one! But if there is I want it too cos I fail lol…
I have no idea which image this is… But I’m hoping it fits here!

Edited to say I guess it does fit here, I can’t stop thinking about losing!

IMG_0168

Food, Glorious Food!

1 Feb

I got my fitbit on Friday, very nice it is too, though I forgot to wear it this morning when I went out so lost half a days info! It runs out of battery very quickly if you have bluetooth and GPS on, but no different to a phone I guess, which is why I had it off this morning, thought I would charge it quickly, that didn’t go so well lol.

Been doing good on food lately, staying away from carbs as much as possible, I got the scales back from my dads, so I have some in the house and don’t have to run to Boots when I want to weigh and when I first got on them I was weighing 20st12lbs, how close they are to boots I have no ideas as I was 3lb on that when I last weighed, but when I weighed this morning on my scales I was 20st4lb, so it should be moving a little at least.

I’ve made some nice food the last couple of days too, I really have to put my mind to it. If I don’t think about what food I’m going to do then it just goes out of my head, so I either pick up something I shouldn’t, or I just don’t bother to eat, so I’m pleased with this week. Some pics of what I’ve done, the dessert was lovely and creamy and I’ve just had the pizzas now, I wish I had taken a pic of the one I just made, it was great, highly reccommend making any of these.


Lets see what this week brings! Soon H x 5261165a13d12fa44d913a51d8c5b3a7

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