Moving forward, don’t look back

2 Jun

I feel so much better after being to the gym twice in a day and then going to my favourite place for my Costa Coffee, makes me feel like I deserve it now and it tastes even better.

I went to Tai Chi this morning I had never been before, so was unsure what to expect. I guess it’s about becoming more aware of yourself, letting go of stress, connecting with the elements, and your body and acknowledging the past and being open to the future, with the movements and words being used it felt very relevant in my life right now.

Especially after the weekend away.

I was faced with things I was not expecting and it brought up alot of feelings,  mostly negative and I was not prepared or ready to deal with them, I’ve been pushing everything away and trying not to deal with emotional things that are not weight related. I’ve made myself a little bubble of where I’m happy and what I want for the future so I can protect myself. I don’t need anyone in my life who is going to send me back to where I was. It’s been hard moving away from that.

The weekend started with me going to see a friend, I was happy, was going away for the night meeting a new friend and have a moan about our exes as we had been bonding over heart-break the last week or so, I was looking forward to seeing him and having a fun time.
I drove what felt like half way across the country lol about 150 miles to a beautiful little town called Berkhamsted. Initially, I felt totally out of place, it was a world away from what I was used to pretty little shops and cafe’s very quaint and felt like I was on the set of a film!

I checked in to a Premier Inn and went to meet him, nerves didn’t kick in until I took a wrong turn and ended up in a different street, but I needn’t have worried. He was just the same as he was the last couple of weeks that I’ve been talking to him, so I was completely at ease and relaxed and my initial fear of being there was gone. Even if he does think I still have issues about it, I don’t, I just like playing on the differences ;p
We already had a plan, of sorts, about what we were going to do, he wanted to take me for a walk up a local beacon, which he thought was bigger than my mountain, ha how wrong he was! I walked up there easily, which I was very happy about, I was a tiny bit out of breath, but not enough to care, it felt amazing. Getting to the top, I was greeted with a picturesque view, although the wind was bitter up there and I didn’t have a coat, it didn’t take away the charm of where I was and he was very sweet and tried to take off his jacket to give to me, but I wouldn’t wear it.

After the walk we decided to go out for a meal at a proper restaurant which I had never been to before, so I was a little nervous. When we went in, it was all candles and dim lighting and felt slightly romantic, I thought oh god, this is going to be awkward.
It was a lovely meal, even with the small amount I ate, he was very charming and attentive, had very good conversation and it actually didn’t feel awkward at all. He was very intense and made me feel like I was the only person in the room, it was a little strange as I had never been made to feel like that before, but I actually quite liked it. His attention was completely and utterly on me. Though I wasn’t quite sure what to do with this as I had gone for the visit as friends, but I was definitely enjoying myself!


That’s where the lovely evening started to go bad . Going back to the car I knew something was wrong. I was hoping so much I just had a bad tummy from the food. But if course not, that would be too easy.
Hernia hell incoming!

By the time I drove us back to the hotel, I was in so much pain, and trying to hide it, but I realised I had to tell him what was going on. For two hours he was the sweetest kindest person, trying to help me, I was desperate not to show how much pain I was in, I couldn’t believe this was happening. He ran me a bath as that worked last time and helped the hernia go back in, so I sat in there for about half an hour, but it just wasn’t moving, so I got back out and led on the bed, hoping gravity would help. Nope, so we decided he should try to help push it back in. This was so odd, we had never met each other and I had this almost stranger, pushing all their weight onto my tummy trying to push my insides back in where they needed to be! It was surreal to say the least and I was finding it quite funny between trying not to scream and wanting to run away! He  came across something on google, which said to use ice on it, so he ran down to the bar and came back with a pint of ice, and he decided no towel or holder was necessary and was trying to put it on me like that! I was not impressed and made him get me a towel, so much better, I am clearly smarter with these things! And then I sat there for a good while, with freezing cold ice on me, he kept wanting to phone for an ambulance, but I didn’t want that,  I didn’t want to go to hospital I really didn’t want this happening at all, I told him he could go and I would be okay, I was trying to be strong. I didn’t want him to feel obliged to me. It was horrible. But of course he didn’t go, I think he was scared to death I was dying! I finally admitted defeat after about two hours, though it felt like five and we went to the urgent care centre. I registered and we sit down and  the pain is getting worse, I start getting very hot and sweaty and he mentions it and there is nothing I can do, it’s my body trying to deal with the pain and I just want to die and be anywhere but there, this is not how I wanted to end the night, getting ready for emergency surgery in England 150 miles from home!
The nurse called me in and I explained everything to him and he takes me out the other side to wait to see a doctor. Within about ten minutes of sitting there, I get a huge pain in my stomach and immediate relief! It’s gone, all that fuss again for it to just disappear, but I couldn’t have been more thankful. I talk to the nurse and tell him whats happened and he said I could go as there was nothing they could do now and to take things very easy. I walk back out to the waiting area to find him, suddenly realising what a mess I am, not that I look good most of the time anyway, but I was there with wet leggings and a t-shirt from the ice, no bra and probably black eyes from being so stressed and totally drained from all the pain. What a fun night I provide!

I drive us back to the Premier Inn and he wants to make sure I’m ok, so he comes up and we watch tv for a bit and talk about everything and nothing, which was really nice, he has a way of getting things out of me I find hard to talk about and he listens, doesn’t just pretend to listen like a lot of people, he actually pays attention and uses it to get more from you, he is very sneaky, but in a good way!
So I’m finally feeling calm and relaxed and then in one moment everything changed, for the better.

For the last three years since my marriage broke down, my life has just been at a standstill.
I was completely focussed on one thing, getting surgery, yes I was kind of sharing my life with someone, but it wasn’t going anywhere, he was what I needed at the time and it suited us, but I knew when that came to an end, I was done, I didn’t want the hassle of meeting someone, starting again just to get hurt, it’s too hard, so I always had a plan, I was quite happy with my plan or I thought I was and now all of a sudden everything has turned upside down and I no longer know what I want, what I’m doing, who I am or where I’m going.

It’s been such a fun weekend, which went in a completely different direction to what I was anticipating and I really, really, REALLY wasn’t prepared ;)
It seems to have completely screwed with my head in so many ways I’ve never imagined. I am flustered and don’t know if I’m coming or going (thank you Clare, who finds this hilarious BTW!!!!)
Things I thought I knew, I no longer know if they were true.
Things I thought I wanted have changed.
And things I didn’t think I wanted now seem to be in my head.
I had given up on feeling any different to what I was. I’m scared and excited and happy and crazy.
I am petrified of what’s happening, but loving it at the same time.
As you can tell my head is a complete mess at the moment and I don’t know what I’m thinking, I really need to let go of the old me, stop holding on to my fears and the past, leave it behind me and let this just happen. But I also don’t know if I can let go.

Which is where going to Tai Chi was so odd, it was like as if it was telling me what to do, I couldn’t believe Jackie was saying these things and it was just the basis of my whole weekend, letting go and being open to my future.

We have spoken all the time since I have been home and he is coming to see me in a week or so. He tells me I have walls up and I don’t know if I agree with him, but I have had to deal with so much the last few years and I am still trying to find who I am going to be after such a huge change in my life.
Maybe he will help me become who I am meant to be, but he will have to be patient, I am still quite delicate, I might make jokes about serious things and not realise it, but time will help, when you’ve been so horribly overweight all your life its hard to believe and allow something good to happen, you almost feel like you don’t deserve it, like you are a lesser person some how and I need to protect myself, because even though the weight might be slowly going away, my mind needs time to catch up, I am still her, she is still me and we don’t know if we are allowed to be happy in that way!
I always feel like I have to tell people what I’ve had done, I feel like I’m cheating them some how if I don’t. Like I’m not worthy to just allow people to know me as I am today, and be my friend for who I am now in this moment.
I need them to know I failed most of my life and I might not actually be worth knowing. I get to know right away then if they are going to judge me I guess.
Where this has come from I don’t know, this isn’t something I have thought about until right now. Maybe I do actually need to stop telling people about my past and let them know me for me. It’s something I allowed to happen to me and I made the changes I needed to, to get control back again. It does not make me who I am?

How weird I have never thought of it like that before.

I need to do some thinking!



H x


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