Will it ever feel real?

9 Jun

Doing a class yesterday and I caught sight of myself straight on in the mirror.

As there are people in front of me it took me a moment to realise I was actually looking at myself. I’m not stupid, I know I still have a long way to go and I will probably never be a normal weight, but to see myself like that and realising I was smaller than I think was a strange feeling.
Whenever I go in next, which is often as Costa is there, I am now finding myself looking sideways at my stomach in the mirror, it’s so much slimmer these days, but my head still can’t take it in.
Me and Clare were talking about it this morning and she still has issues with it and she is tiny now. So I don’t know if it ever goes away. I still have a panic attack if I see a chair with arms on I need to sit in or  a turnstile even someone else’s car. I get all the anxieties come rushing back for a few seconds that I won’t fit. It’s not nice, but it is a relief when I get into it.
I get the same feelings with clothes right now too, I’m buying all these size 20s and I take them home. Then when it comes to put them on I look at them and think there is no way that’s going to fit, ill see how much more I have to go, and then they go on quite easily. It really shocks me. I don’t know if I will ever catch until mentally.
It’s really hard to explain this feeling to people who have never been in this situation. For 38 years my mind has been set in a certain way of my reality and now it’s quite quickly changing. I’m not going to feel confident about myself until my brain has caught up. If it even ever does. Sometimes I think I can be very good at faking confidence, but there are just some things I can’t. And right now those insecurities are being played on a lot.

I went out with my mother Saturday evening. She was going for a drink and I was being the doting daughter chauffeur. I get fed up when it’s just me with her. But I stick it out so she can enjoy herself and I definitely think she did this weekend. While she was off dancing I was sat watching and had these boys talking to me, they were only young and I was quite scared of them to begin with, but they were really quite nice and weren’t mean to me once. I was sure how I felt about the attention, in one way it’s nice, but as I posted the other day, I really do feel like I don’t deserve it. I feel like they’re talking to me out of pity or as a joke. But I really don’t think they were. But I am also very aware a year ago, hell even a few months ago, they wouldn’t have even noticed me. Well no that’s not true, they would have but for all the wrong reasons.  I’m still not sure how  I feel about it all and I sure as hell don’t know how to deal with it!

I’m on my kindle in costa so if none of this makes sense, sorry I can’t be bothered to read it over. This is just straight from my head to my tablet! Lol

I do have this one pic I want to show you. It’s getting easier each week to do this.. feels fab!


H x



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