I found a bubble!

21 Jun

Had to take a break from the gym.
I hurt myself during the planking fun, and now my sciatica is playing up pretty bad in my right leg, so I was only going to the gym to walk on the treadmill or elliptical.
I don’t feel great about it, but there was nothing I could do, I just hope I can get back on it next week, can’t at the moment, I’m sitting in a very warm conservatory in Berkhamsted, watching Corrie and thinking I need to post!

The last two weekends have been great for my self esteem, but not for my weight!
Last Friday I got very very drunk. I don’t drink very often and thought I wouldn’t bother again, but Clare and Robert insisted! And I’m so glad I accepted, it was so much fun and I don’t think I have even been that drunk and the bonus was there was no hangover! I had a lovely weekend and it was over all too soon, but I knew I was going here (London) so had that to look forward to.

When I go back home, I really need to get back to basics before I ruin everything. It’s crazy how easy it is to allow bad things back in your life. I still have such a long way to go and so much to learn, after a lifetime of living the way I did, it’s not too much to expect bad times, as long as I recognise them, then it’s OK.

Friday nearly ended in disaster again. My plan was to drive to berkhamsted, got into the car to go to docs and pick up medication. I was feeling unwell thinking I just had a bad tummy because I haven’t been eating right at all. At the doctors Karen said I looked tired and I said I thought it was because of my tummy and was thinking I should go back home before I left.
Got to the chemist and I soon realised it wasn’t my tummy, it was the hernia again. Just what I wanted before a three odd hour journey. I popped back into the doctors to ask if they could quickly help but they said no they wouldn’t touch it and I needed to go to a&e as soon as possible. I got home as quickly as I could, ringing my dad on the way to say I needed hospital, I got in through the door and took everything off, it was all annoying me including my shoes and watch I ran upstairs to go to the toilet and my fingers and legs were going all tingly and cold, I shouted to my brother to say I thought I was going to faint. He wanted to call me an ambulance, I really thought I was going to need one, but I’m so scared of being a pain I managed to talk him out of it, dad arrived and made him call but I was shouting at them saying I needed to go now, so he cancelled it. Got in the back of dads car led down and just tried to breathe, the sweat was just dripping off me, it was like a tap, I guess that was my body’s way of dealing with the pain, otherwise I don’t know. I was shivering like hell and felt awfully sick.
Registered at the desk and they took me through within ten mins, saw a nurse who put on a cannula and took obs and she said I would be going through to majors. I got a wheelchair and taken over. Then the pain really kicked in, I was sat on a bench in so much pain. Leaning forward head in one of those cardboard sick bowls, my eyes wouldn’t stay open and I probably looked like I was in labour with my breathing lol
My mum and brother turned up to check on me, it was so hard to talk to them. They were there about twenty minutes and the pain got very intense and I thought oh crap, not again and with that it was gone! In one way I was so relieved but in the other I really wanted this whole thing over and get my operation done! I asked someone what I should do and they wanted me to wait, saw we did. I was now feeling very silly and so glad I didn’t have the ambulance.
About an hour later I finally got to see the doctor and all the bloods had come back fine, but he wanted to check one more to make sure there wasn’t any ischaemia, so I had another sample taken, with a rubber glove as a tourniquet! That was also fine, my bowel wasn’t dying! So obviously there was no point in having the operation now, just need to wait it out til next month he said and with that I was allowed to go home.

Dad dropped me home, I sorted our my hair and black eyes and off I went on my long journey. It’s a good drive I just get on the M4 all the way to the M25 and I’m almost there, nice and easy (though not on the way back it seemed!!)
I got to Berkhamsted and sat in Costa and met Robert. We went out for a lovely meal with his mum, on Saturday we went to London, I had never been before so I was very excited. The underground scared the hell out of me, so far down and bloody hot! We spent the whole day walking and shopping and Costa-ing I had a wonderful day and done 21,000 steps, I was so tired, but totally worth it.
I do still have a lot to work on with myself. Obviously being overweight all your life, you’re not exactly friends with yourself. I know some people say they are happy with it, but I never was, I have loathed myself most of my life and buried my feelings in food and my house by not leaving it. As a person I think I am quite happy though, so it’s weird, I don’t actually think of myself as negative, but I’m being made to realise I am and I have to try and change, if I do ever want to be OK with myself.
Rob is definitely opening my eyes up. My marriage was something that happened when I was young. We grew up together, but I was always in charge, he would never stand up to me, it was like he had no mind of his own and he was just happy to go along with whatever I said. While that is great for an easy life, it is not what I needed. I had moved away from home at a young age and had no support, I was making decisions that were just not right for me and I had no one to question it at all. We just went on year on year nothing changing except my size. Don’t get me wrong, we got on very well and I loved him, but it was more like a family love than something that excites and inspires you and is passionate and a little bit crazy. Having no children we could have experienced so much more in life but we didn’t. We sat in our home watching telly and playing computer games. At the time I thought this is what I wanted, he was a good person, but there was just no passion, no drive, just two people existing together quite happily waiting til whatever came along to shake it up a bit. Only nothing ever did. I loved him up until the day we split up, but as a friend said to me the other day having someone who doesn’t push you and has no mind of their own, it just becomes unattractive in the end, and I guess thats how it was so easy to just let 16 years together go. There was nothing there.
The person who came into my life after my husband left was just what I needed to get through my life at the time. He was too young and I was too old and very depressed, but he was there when I needed it and helped me through some hard times. We both knew deep down it would never go anywhere, but I cared for him alot. Everything was in complete secret with him though. No one knew we were together. I wasn’t ready and he wouldn’t have wanted to let anyone know he was with me and I don’t blame him for that at all. He was very stubborn and much more interesting relationship wise, because I couldn’t push him into what I wanted, but it was with him I made the decision I needed to have surgery and he was very good through that. I was very sad when we called time on what we had.
I’m not a person who wants to be in relationship after relationship, I saw that when I was growing up and decided that was not for me and I was lucky enough to meet Antony and thought that was it forever, clearly I was wrong then after Matthew I had decided that was it for a long long time at least. I was not interested I didn’t want to be that person.
Then Robert came into my life. He has been so good for me. I felt very uneasy to begin with and his intensity completely freaked me out at the start, but after staying at his last weekend I feel very different about it. We were in Costa in London on Saturday and I was slightly uncomfortable with it all, then all of a sudden it didn’t matter, we were in a very busy coffee shop and we were in our own little bubble, nothing else mattered, I didn’t care who was there or looking, it was just the two of us that existed and I absolutely loved that. I don’t think I have ever felt less self conscious in my life and I didn’t want it to end.
It’s really strange how the thing that was scaring me the most at the start is now the thing I crave the most from him.
It feels great to be like this, I am slowly letting my past go, along with my fears, I’m not saying it’s going to all happen today or even this month, but right now I know this person is making me very happy and I want to spend all my time in our blissful little bubble!

This post has taken me over a week to write, I think I’ll finish it for now, there is alot more I can add, I might continue at some point. Again if none of this is good, its because its been done in bits and on my mobile when I’ve been out lol so appologies!

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