Archive | July, 2015

Kittens for motivation?!

27 Jul

Back at it again after a very bad weekend off.

Two times at the gym.

Anger, frustration, sadness, hate and hurt all taken out on the machines and boy did it feel good.

On my second visit, I got on a machine and the man next to me, a fully grown man, probably in his thirties was stood there watching kitten videos on youtube.. I was a bit flabergasted to say the least.

Whatever gets you through your workout dude, whatever…

Onwards and upwards! ^^

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Soon

H x

Break me down?

26 Jul

This has absolutely nothing to do with WLS



Well that was the most horrific experience of my life.
Suffice to say it will not happen again.
Lesson well and truly learned.

I wrote above last night after rather alot of vodka and a tirade of awful vitriolic abuse.

Does someone know when they are a psychopath? I’m starting to think no. Not that I had ever really given it much thought, but the fact that they like to control, manipulate and break you down and they get pleasure from this always seemed like something they knew they were doing and were aware of, it is a choice if you will.

But after the last few weeks of putting up with something I knew wasn’t right, I’ve been made aware that infact the person I have been with is actually a psychopath and I honestly don’t think he knows it.

I probably shouldn’t be writing this, but it’s my blog, it’s about my life and my journey and sadly now this is part of it.

This guy seemed great, just what I needed, he was fun and made me smile constantly and I loved talking/spendng time with him, but it changed very quickly.

From very early on (it’s only been three months now!) he told me he loved me, which was odd, he wanted me to say it back and was rather upset when I couldn’t, for ages he kept on about it until I finally said it, just so it would stop, did I care about him? Yes alot, did I love him? No, not yet, but I wasn’t allowed to take the time. On another website about psychopaths it says

Quick Attachment and Expression. “The Loser,” Carver notes, “has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to the Loser is how quickly he or she says ‘I Love You’ or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you’ll hear that you’re the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You’ll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures…

… He elaborates, “Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake… The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause the Loser to detach from you as quickly as they committed.”

I guess that should have really been a warning that something wasn’t right.

There are some other points made in the first link, which also seem to ring true

Envy is the wish to possess the “goodness” perceived in others. If the “good object” cannot be possessed, it must be destroyed or damaged until it is not worth having.”
I’ve said before I’m not someone who can be controlled, yes I might have been weak in certain aspects of my life, but I know my own mind and no one can change that.
The whole night I was told how awful I was, about how many family hated me and my ex husband was lucky to be free of me, that I should have died when I took the overdose, I was controlling and manipulative, I was a nasty person all my friendships were fake and I had nothing of my own, I was a scrounger. I tried my hardest not to let the hurt come through so I sat there with a smile on my face and said some really nasty things back, but I wasn’t going to let him win.
“Integrity and conscientiousness remind Controllers of their most profound character flaw. They hate being reminded of what they do not have. They hate those qualities in others because Controllers cannot possess them. That is one reason that they are attracted to integrity. But their attraction is rooted in a desire to dominate or destroy. They must manipulate, rule or emotionally and psychologically annihilate anyone whose soundness of character reminds them of their own profoundly egotistical, selfish and empty natures.
Then this morning, alot of what was said never happened. It was all in my head, I had been hearing voices and I needed to see someone and get back on medication!
It is not unusual for the victims of psychopaths to question their sanity and self worth. This is often exacerbated by the psychopathic individual looking the victim in the eye and denying that events they both experienced together happened.
So much more than what I have written happened and this doesn’t even include what went on in the day, where I wanted to go and do what I had been looking forward to for months and months, yet I still wanted to include him even though I knew and my friend knew he would ruin it for me, and yes it was ruined.
I was very selfish because he didn’t get to do what he wanted, even though the whole day was actually about what I wanted to do and I would have done it alone, he wanted to join me in that initially, but I am so selfish, because I included him in a day that was meant for me to do as I please!
It’s Never Enough. Psychopaths don’t want to have successful relationships. They want to assert dominance by destroying, at the very least psychologically and emotionally, their partners. In the long run, there’s nothing anybody can do to please a psychopath…
…“The Loser convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don’t say ‘I love you’ enough, you don’t stand close enough, you don’t do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them–somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.”
There is so much in these sentences that make sense, not all of it applies and maybe there are vairying degress of psychopath, I have no idea.
But I think I am lucky that it has only lasted three months. Who knows where I would end up if I carried on.
I am so incredibly sad about it. I cared alot about him, even though he has told me many times I didn’t. I really did, I wanted it to work and why I kept trying despite what my friend was telling me because when he was the nice sweet person, it was lovely, the charmer was there and it was great, but that was just the thing to draw me in I guess.
I know now he has no control of it and it’s heartbreaking. I feel so so sad for him. If he reads this, then it will all be turned back on me and to look in on that and see how nothing will ever be good for him truly breaks me. I wanted it to work.
I really don’t want to see you hurting and its awful to think you might actually be this and have no idea.
Hey, I don’t know maybe I am the psychopath, after all you don’t know it yourself, do you?
Writing this down has given me some perspective I think. I needed that.
I am off to bed to cry my eyes out and hope the pain goes quick. I can’t let this destroy all my hard work.
I need to move on.
You won’t break me down after I am doing all I can to build myself back up!
Soon
H x

I conquered the Wave!

24 Jul

Be warned this post WILL contain some swearing!

Two times at the gym again today, loving it, but it’s got me thinking.

LUSH!!!

LUSH!!!

This is me after 200 cals burned on the cross trainer,  I put the effort in and I turn in to sweaty betty, I put it up to 25 effort and bloody work as hard as I can.

My clothes are wet my face is wet and I feel fantastic. When I’m on the weights for my legs I have it set to 30-45kg and I can bloody feel it, today I actually noticed an improvement, normally my legs will only go so far on the adductor and it hurts, I did that so much easier today I felt a little but pleased with myself. But I look around and see past the grunters, we all know who they are, weights as high as they can gurning with the loudest “..eurgh” they can master, and I see the people who just seem to be there to watch the TV on the machines, they’re effort is set at 1 and they are not putting anything in and seem to be having a leisurely time? Now what the fuck is up with that?
Sweat Sparkle

They are all so beautifully slim, hair perfect, makeup done to perfection and not a drop of sweat, wait, excuse me, I mean sparkle on them! Where did I go so tragically wrong that they get to look like that and I got to 32 stone. Okay maybe by just turning up to the gym there was some secret slim society I was unaware of in my teens and twenties and if I had the guts to go at that age I would have magically stayed a healthy weight. But how do they do it? Why do they get to put zero, and I mean ZERO effort in and get to look like that!?
I am seriously baffled by this phenomenon and I know I missed out on the memo at some point in my life, it must have got lost in the post somewhere in time.
Okay, okay I know in reality it’s all my own fault.
Depression is not a good thing and you don’t even know you have it when you do. Me and Clare were talking about it the other day and when you’re in it, to you it’s just life, it’s normal, you just think that’s the way it’s meant to be, until you realise you need help.
quote-easy-225x300I really do know that if I could have seen it, then I could have prevented it all, but I really couldn’t, I didn’t want to be like that, in reality I couldn’t see myself getting bigger, I couldn’t see how bad my life had got. I thought I was happy and okay, I had my husband and I thought that was all I needed. How wrong could I have been.
But now I’m out of it and I see what’s happened, what I did to myself and how I would do anything to go back and make the correct choices it is bloody annoying when I see them in there so jauntily talking and walking, like “yeah I’m doing this I’m so good, I deserve to look this good and be so fit and healthy!” Fuck you, you ARE just lucky, clearly because that shit there ain’t making you fitter or healthier!

...And breathe...

..ANNNND..Breath..

My persistence has paid off though, I have finally figured out the wave machine, I knew something wasn’t right with that, the first day I tried it, it felt totally alien and I couldn’t get it, but the next day I jumped back on and with the assistance of my #gymbunny guide, I got that thing down and it is frigging awesome! You can really feel it working the inner and outer thighs. I love it!

I am so happy right now!

Soon

H x

Choose-happiness-quotes

Pondering … Insanity..?

22 Jul

Goodness I am working bloody hard this week and I feel fantastic! I keep wanting to push myself, I had to force myself to not go to the gym for the third time today, although the day isn’t over yet, so who know where I might end up!

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, I’m starting to wonder if I am now in that situation. I love my lattes, it’s definitely not the coffee I want or am addicted to, it’s the milk, can you be addicted to milk? Lol I have no clue, but I feel like I am.  I have tried to drink a normal coffee and I think it’s awful, just isn’t going to happen at all.  So what is it? I love going to Costa, I know them all there and see people come in I know and chat to them.

Oh so tasty!

Oh so tasty!

I do love being here (yes I’m here right now!!) I look forward to my cup of almost milk and adding my sweet n low to it.  It’s my treat, the highlight of my day (yes I’m still that sad) my reward before during and after the gym, well maybe not during, but you get the idea! It’s a running joke with every single person that knows me and even some that don’t, but I’m not finding it funny anymore. I want more weight loss, no I NEED more weight loss, but it’s not happening. So even though I really am not doing the same thing over and over, I am exercising alot and loving it, eating lots of protein and good fats with the occasional badness creeping into my pouch, am I the definition of insanity when I keep having lattes day in day out and expecting something to finally move?

I know Clares answer to this, when she finally stops decorating long enough to read this I’ll get a message saying it’s the carbs in the latte stalling me!  But it can’t really be true can it? I’m at the stage now where the best weight loss stops, the hunger comes back and stalls are inevitable, well they have been since surgery as I’ve lost so much, so is it a combination of all that, or is it just the one thing doing it? Can I give up Costa for a week to test it out? I don’t know. Should I try? Probably. Will I cope? I doubt it. I guess I need to decide if my sanity, health and weight loss are more important than my lattes and Costa people. I feel so frustrated by it though. I have given up everything I used to enjoy, yes for the better, I know I had to do it, I don’t drink, smoke or take drugs. Pepsi Max has gone, all things fizzy, carby food, pizza <3 Oh how I miss you, chocolate, cake, crisps anything that I had daily is gone. I drink gallons of water/vimto everyday without vimto I would still be struggling with Pepsi Max,  so is having a pint or two of milk every day that much of a bad thing? I’m starting to think so. Can I replace this addiction with the gym? Can I find something else that will work? I need to go on pinterest and find a new addiction! If anyone has any ideas I would gratefully receive them.

Soon

H x

19213-Famous+famous+quotes+wise+sayi

I can beat myself!

20 Jul

I love the things I can just do now.

I messaged Clare to say I needed to talk, I was off to Costa, cos you know, I can drive now! And her husband brought her to me and it was nice sitting there moaning, her two youngest girls came too and it was a beautiful day, so we decided to go up Twmbarlwm, it’s the most scary drive E.V.E.R. The lane is only just big enough for one car and even then it’s pushing it, we had branches and twigs hitting us and when another car comes the other way, we start screaming! Not fun when I’m trying to keep myself alive let alone my friend, a five and three year old! Ugh I am responsible for that. So much pressure!!

We make it to the car park in one piece and are greeted with the climb to the top of the mountain.

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Even looking back at this height there is a really good view, but when we get to the top it’s amazing, and its 360 degrees. I love it. When you reach the pimple at the top (locals call it something else!) you are so hot but luckily the wind picks up nicely, so you have a breeze cooling you back down, which I most definitely need!

Looking out over the Bristol Channel

Looking out over the Bristol Channel

Yesterday was a good food day, lots of protein. I do think I’m getting alot more hungry, which I’m hoping is down to the exercise I’m doing.

I went to the gym twice again today. I beat my first go on the cross trainer when I went back, so that made me happy. Though I noticed when I took the pic it said the effort was 12… it so was not! It was set at 25 all through the exercise, I guess it dropped down to that at the end! I like beating myself :)

Hoping to go again twice tomorrow as well.
I go to that gym now, not bothering about anyone, I smile at people and carry on doing what I’m doing, listening to the songs in my head and pushing myself, sweat dripping off my face (which I hate with a passion!) and I just don’t care, the more I sweat the better I feel now. I know I am pushing myself with all I can. I want this so much, I want to be stronger, fitter, healthier, I want to be me, but better. I wish so much I could have had that when I was younger, I might not have got to where I did.
I see people in there and I feel sad for them, especially if they are young and can see them heading for where I was and I just want to scream at them. They sit there on the machines, putting in no effort whatsoever and it’s quite depressing. I know that there is nothing you can do until you are ready for it, until something clicks in your own head and maybe you will never get it. I left it too late before it clicked for me and we all know what I had to do to make myself better.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my bypass with everything I am, but I wish I it would have happened for me when I was younger,

How far

whether that is me going it alone, or finally being brave enough to admit I needed the help. With all my heart I wish I had done this sooner.
But I am now doing the best I can for myself and that’s all we can expect. I felt such a buzz today sat on the adductor. I could feel the muscles in my legs working. I haven’t had that for a long time and I most definitely liked it, I wanted more. I felt happy. I felt alive. It was good.

I am completely drug free at the moment (barring any bypass drugs ofc!!) I came off my last medical one this past week and oh my! My eyes have opened with how stunted my emotions have been. I am grateful to citalopram for allowing me to go out again, so very, very grateful, but for what it was suppressing for six years I am most definitely not! Maybe one day I shall explain, but lets just say I am enjoying every single feeling I now have back! ;) ..though I might have to deal with my whole marriage breakdown soon.. don’t want to deal with that..
On Sunday I am doing a 5k walk with my old Slimming World group, we are doing Race for Life. I’m looking forward to that, last year I went to cheer them on, hoping I could do it, but me and my dogs just watched, can’t believe I’m actually going to be doing it this year. I have my pink T-shirt ready to go and I will be taking pics, so expect lots! Exciting times!

Soon

H x

letting4-300x300

Not too late!

17 Jul

CKEeek I ordered a new bag  but not the one I wanted :( maybe I’ll get that one when it’s back in stock. This one I’m going to use when I go back into hospital, the last one was way too big! It’s so cute, very similar to the bag and purse I’m using now, but… different lol

Had a surreal experience when I was out shopping in Asda earlier. I saw some skinny jeans for £10 and thought I wanted some.

So picked up a 22 and a 22/24 and decided to try them on, something I don’t normally do. I was expecting them not to fit. I tried them both on and they were huge! I thought I was dreaming. I wanted to stand there and cry. I didn’t though. The 20 was also too big, but they didn’t have an 18 in that style, so silly me picked up an 18 in a different style, but I didn’t try them on and just took them home. I guess I knew I would be pushing it with those and I was! They don’t fit.. yet, but it’s ok, to be able to go into Asda and know some of the clothes are too big for me now is a great feeling, I never imagined this could happen.

It’s wonderful.

I know I’m not being the best I can be, but I am going in the right direction. One day it’s all going to fit together. I am trying my best though.. most of the time.

I love this quote, will I be the person I would have been if none of this had happened to me? Probably not, but I can still be who I was meant to be, because this is obviously what was meant to happen. So I will be me and it’s not too late!

I look forward to meeting who I will be!

Its-never-too-late-to-be-who-you-might-have-been-saying-quotes-pictures

Soon

H x

Another year?

15 Jul

Looks like I’ve been here eight years today!

Yay me!

Not my image as you can read! But ooooh cake!

Not my image as you can read! But ooooh cake!

Though my blog did start out as updates for the things I made (must be signed in to see – Adult themed!!) in Second Life so it is now completely different!

As you might have guessed by my ever-so-cheery post I am not post op, nor will I be any time today.

Woke up at half six, well I had woken up many times before that, I hardly slept last night and around 5am my neck was itching like crazy for some odd reason, it was so bad I got up went downstairs to find some E45 itch relief cream and plastered it all over my neck, have no idea why, I had taken off the necklace that Rob bought me ready for surgery, but that would be the opposite cause an itch? lol

My dad was ringing just as the alarm went off, because he always seems to “forget” time, and tries to get where ever he needs to about three hours early, so he was like “oh I thought you had to be there at 7” ugh no dad, you know you had to be at mine for 7 not half 6!

Get there and am told that my name is not on the ward waiting list, oh fun! Did I turn up on the wrong day, I never had a letter, so it’s quite possible, so she checks the computer and said nope defo not there.. oh fab

She checks the surgeons list and I’m on it for the afternoon, I’m not losing it after all. No idea why I’m not on the ward list, seeing as that is the most important part, well in the sense of “I need a damn bed right now!” Of course I need to be on surgeons list or I would just be someone going into hospital for a sleep, and thats just a bit weird! lol

I go sit in the waiting room where there are about ten other people, a doctor comes for me to sign the consent form and ask me some questions and explains the risks. Back to the waiting room, everyone is being called out at different times, they’re all coming back with gowns etc and I don’t get one.

A while later the anesthetist comes to get me to ask me more questions, she was lovely and had amazing eyes! I told her about the tube and she said I was right to tell her, sometimes she does have to use them to get food or liquid out, so good job I said. At this point she thought I would be getting the op, so I was ready for it!

Hours later I get a nurse call me to do obs and get my gown and stockings, she said she thought I was getting a bed for sure!

Back to the waiting room for what feels like forever, talking to one or two of the people, but no one was very chatty and it was so damn boring and painful with my hips and spine, sat on the chair, so I go for a walk and ask what are the chances of the bed. The nurse asks the sister who said she had spoken to Mr Nutt and because they were still waiting for a bed he might take an emergency and I wouldn’t get the op. Nooooo! She said as soon as she found out she would let me know.

Six hours after I arrived she came to the waiting room to say I could go home. No female beds and he was going to do the emergency and wouldn’t have time to do me. Boo!

She brought a form and asked if I wanted a free meal I said I was fine, I don’t eat that much, probably should have had it though, she said the receptionist said that to her as she had the sleeve, but said she had to ask, then wanted to know how much I had lost I said 14 stone almost and she wanted to see the pics so I whipped them out, as you do, then she called over all the other nurses and the girl with the sleeve! And we were all having a nice little chat. The sister also “knew Mr Barry when he was a nice young doctor” He is a lovely guy!

The sister said next time I will have more of a priority, she said it so embarrassing when she sees someones name for about the fifth time and she’s like “I have to find them a bed this time!” Though she said that’s more ENT not for mine, hopefully next visit will be the one.

God I hope so, I don’t like this stress!

I sent daddy a text who arrived to take me home.. well to Costa anyway! Hey I was deprived all morning, I needed that coffee!

So I now have a pair of stockings and almost a gown I did give that back, they found it quite funny it was in my bag and I should have taken it as a souvenir for waiting so long. I am all drawn on too. I look so pretty!

It's HERE!!!

It’s HERE!!!!

So that was my fun morning.

I have now decided I want this before I go back into hospital! But no way of getting it :(

So Beautiful!

So Beautiful!

I am now off to chaperone my mother on a date for the SECOND time in a week, I think I’m going to start charging for this :D

Soon

H x

when_nothing_goes-92685

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