I can beat myself!

20 Jul

I love the things I can just do now.

I messaged Clare to say I needed to talk, I was off to Costa, cos you know, I can drive now! And her husband brought her to me and it was nice sitting there moaning, her two youngest girls came too and it was a beautiful day, so we decided to go up Twmbarlwm, it’s the most scary drive E.V.E.R. The lane is only just big enough for one car and even then it’s pushing it, we had branches and twigs hitting us and when another car comes the other way, we start screaming! Not fun when I’m trying to keep myself alive let alone my friend, a five and three year old! Ugh I am responsible for that. So much pressure!!

We make it to the car park in one piece and are greeted with the climb to the top of the mountain.

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Even looking back at this height there is a really good view, but when we get to the top it’s amazing, and its 360 degrees. I love it. When you reach the pimple at the top (locals call it something else!) you are so hot but luckily the wind picks up nicely, so you have a breeze cooling you back down, which I most definitely need!

Looking out over the Bristol Channel

Looking out over the Bristol Channel

Yesterday was a good food day, lots of protein. I do think I’m getting alot more hungry, which I’m hoping is down to the exercise I’m doing.

I went to the gym twice again today. I beat my first go on the cross trainer when I went back, so that made me happy. Though I noticed when I took the pic it said the effort was 12… it so was not! It was set at 25 all through the exercise, I guess it dropped down to that at the end! I like beating myself :)

Hoping to go again twice tomorrow as well.
I go to that gym now, not bothering about anyone, I smile at people and carry on doing what I’m doing, listening to the songs in my head and pushing myself, sweat dripping off my face (which I hate with a passion!) and I just don’t care, the more I sweat the better I feel now. I know I am pushing myself with all I can. I want this so much, I want to be stronger, fitter, healthier, I want to be me, but better. I wish so much I could have had that when I was younger, I might not have got to where I did.
I see people in there and I feel sad for them, especially if they are young and can see them heading for where I was and I just want to scream at them. They sit there on the machines, putting in no effort whatsoever and it’s quite depressing. I know that there is nothing you can do until you are ready for it, until something clicks in your own head and maybe you will never get it. I left it too late before it clicked for me and we all know what I had to do to make myself better.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my bypass with everything I am, but I wish I it would have happened for me when I was younger,

How far

whether that is me going it alone, or finally being brave enough to admit I needed the help. With all my heart I wish I had done this sooner.
But I am now doing the best I can for myself and that’s all we can expect. I felt such a buzz today sat on the adductor. I could feel the muscles in my legs working. I haven’t had that for a long time and I most definitely liked it, I wanted more. I felt happy. I felt alive. It was good.

I am completely drug free at the moment (barring any bypass drugs ofc!!) I came off my last medical one this past week and oh my! My eyes have opened with how stunted my emotions have been. I am grateful to citalopram for allowing me to go out again, so very, very grateful, but for what it was suppressing for six years I am most definitely not! Maybe one day I shall explain, but lets just say I am enjoying every single feeling I now have back! ;) ..though I might have to deal with my whole marriage breakdown soon.. don’t want to deal with that..
On Sunday I am doing a 5k walk with my old Slimming World group, we are doing Race for Life. I’m looking forward to that, last year I went to cheer them on, hoping I could do it, but me and my dogs just watched, can’t believe I’m actually going to be doing it this year. I have my pink T-shirt ready to go and I will be taking pics, so expect lots! Exciting times!

Soon

H x

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