Break me down?

26 Jul

This has absolutely nothing to do with WLS

Well that was the most horrific experience of my life.
Suffice to say it will not happen again.
Lesson well and truly learned.

I wrote above last night after rather alot of vodka and a tirade of awful vitriolic abuse.

Does someone know when they are a psychopath? I’m starting to think no. Not that I had ever really given it much thought, but the fact that they like to control, manipulate and break you down and they get pleasure from this always seemed like something they knew they were doing and were aware of, it is a choice if you will.

But after the last few weeks of putting up with something I knew wasn’t right, I’ve been made aware that infact the person I have been with is actually a psychopath and I honestly don’t think he knows it.

I probably shouldn’t be writing this, but it’s my blog, it’s about my life and my journey and sadly now this is part of it.

This guy seemed great, just what I needed, he was fun and made me smile constantly and I loved talking/spendng time with him, but it changed very quickly.

From very early on (it’s only been three months now!) he told me he loved me, which was odd, he wanted me to say it back and was rather upset when I couldn’t, for ages he kept on about it until I finally said it, just so it would stop, did I care about him? Yes alot, did I love him? No, not yet, but I wasn’t allowed to take the time. On another website about psychopaths it says

Quick Attachment and Expression. “The Loser,” Carver notes, “has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to the Loser is how quickly he or she says ‘I Love You’ or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you’ll hear that you’re the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You’ll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures…

… He elaborates, “Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake… The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause the Loser to detach from you as quickly as they committed.”

I guess that should have really been a warning that something wasn’t right.

There are some other points made in the first link, which also seem to ring true

Envy is the wish to possess the “goodness” perceived in others. If the “good object” cannot be possessed, it must be destroyed or damaged until it is not worth having.”
I’ve said before I’m not someone who can be controlled, yes I might have been weak in certain aspects of my life, but I know my own mind and no one can change that.
The whole night I was told how awful I was, about how many family hated me and my ex husband was lucky to be free of me, that I should have died when I took the overdose, I was controlling and manipulative, I was a nasty person all my friendships were fake and I had nothing of my own, I was a scrounger. I tried my hardest not to let the hurt come through so I sat there with a smile on my face and said some really nasty things back, but I wasn’t going to let him win.
“Integrity and conscientiousness remind Controllers of their most profound character flaw. They hate being reminded of what they do not have. They hate those qualities in others because Controllers cannot possess them. That is one reason that they are attracted to integrity. But their attraction is rooted in a desire to dominate or destroy. They must manipulate, rule or emotionally and psychologically annihilate anyone whose soundness of character reminds them of their own profoundly egotistical, selfish and empty natures.
Then this morning, alot of what was said never happened. It was all in my head, I had been hearing voices and I needed to see someone and get back on medication!
It is not unusual for the victims of psychopaths to question their sanity and self worth. This is often exacerbated by the psychopathic individual looking the victim in the eye and denying that events they both experienced together happened.
So much more than what I have written happened and this doesn’t even include what went on in the day, where I wanted to go and do what I had been looking forward to for months and months, yet I still wanted to include him even though I knew and my friend knew he would ruin it for me, and yes it was ruined.
I was very selfish because he didn’t get to do what he wanted, even though the whole day was actually about what I wanted to do and I would have done it alone, he wanted to join me in that initially, but I am so selfish, because I included him in a day that was meant for me to do as I please!
It’s Never Enough. Psychopaths don’t want to have successful relationships. They want to assert dominance by destroying, at the very least psychologically and emotionally, their partners. In the long run, there’s nothing anybody can do to please a psychopath…
…“The Loser convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don’t say ‘I love you’ enough, you don’t stand close enough, you don’t do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them–somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.”
There is so much in these sentences that make sense, not all of it applies and maybe there are vairying degress of psychopath, I have no idea.
But I think I am lucky that it has only lasted three months. Who knows where I would end up if I carried on.
I am so incredibly sad about it. I cared alot about him, even though he has told me many times I didn’t. I really did, I wanted it to work and why I kept trying despite what my friend was telling me because when he was the nice sweet person, it was lovely, the charmer was there and it was great, but that was just the thing to draw me in I guess.
I know now he has no control of it and it’s heartbreaking. I feel so so sad for him. If he reads this, then it will all be turned back on me and to look in on that and see how nothing will ever be good for him truly breaks me. I wanted it to work.
I really don’t want to see you hurting and its awful to think you might actually be this and have no idea.
Hey, I don’t know maybe I am the psychopath, after all you don’t know it yourself, do you?
Writing this down has given me some perspective I think. I needed that.
I am off to bed to cry my eyes out and hope the pain goes quick. I can’t let this destroy all my hard work.
I need to move on.
You won’t break me down after I am doing all I can to build myself back up!
H x

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