Archive | July, 2015

It’s just dawned on me!!!!

14 Jul

Ugh all of a sudden I have become acutely aware of what might be happening tomorrow!

After my lovely experience with the very rude pre op nurse last week, don’t know if I blogged about it, but I had to go in last Wednesday, and I had never met anyone so awful in a caring profession in all my life! If you are that jaded with your job, leave!

I needed to find out if Roux-en-Y affected anything to do with the anesthetic etc because all he knew was people with bands need to have them defilled and it causes all kinds of problems, even though I kept repeating I had not had a band, he still kept going on about it. Also, you across from the table now, are you diabetic.. and why am I taking omeprazole, there is no reason for it, anyone can get ulcers.. ugh I don’t know, I’m just doing as I’m told (see I can sometimes!!!)

So I thought I better speak to Nia, I left her a message and rang a couple of times today and I get a call back from Nikki, Nia is on annual leave, so I ask her (she asks who the hell this nurse is! lol) she says she will go speak to one of the surgeons to make sure for me and ring me back. Within five minutes she had rung back to say no problems with the anesthetic at all, I just have to tell them make sure they don’t use an NG tube. And although I know that is just a feeding tube it all became very real!

Panic set in!

I realised I have no bag ready, what the hell do I take? I don’t even know if I am staying in over night, I know nothing! (hello Jon Snow!!!)

I’m dropping my friend off while all this is going through my head and then I start thinking omg this might be my last chance to eat! lol some how I resisted the urge to call into the shop and buy everything I could, I don’t need to feel ill tonight. I shall stick to my pizza dip and Cauli cheese sticks.

But do I write letters, just incase? I know something bad is unlikely to happen, and I’ve already been through a huge operation and survived (yay me!) and this is quite basic in comparison, but of course there is always a risk.

I have no clue what I’m doing tonight, scared is now me!

Soon

H x

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Pop goes the weasel..

14 Jul

.. or in this case the bubble!


I have edited this post to make it less personal.


All good things must come to an end they say!

Tomorrow I am hoping for my hernia operation, to say it’s not worrying me would be a lie. No one ever wants to be put under, unless maybe you’re a plastic surgery-aholic! I want my hernia fixed, but it’s scary to have to have an operation again, then I don’t know how long I wont be able to drive or exercise for in the coming weeks, but I need to get it done so it’s out of the way and I can focus on other things.

People, more than one, have let me down the last couple of weeks and I am so fed up with it. I wish I had stuck to my own mind and not let anyone in, which is what I wanted. Hell I’ve even wished this last week that I had never met alot of the people I have the last three years because I would probably still be married right now and even though now I know I wasn’t happy or living life to my full potential, I thought I was happy and that’s what matters right? Blissful ignorance is only a problem when you realise it wasnt real! Yet more burst bubbles! I am breaking them all this week I can tell you!

I’ve been called many things in my life, we all know how it is when you’re obese. But never have I been called negative and miserable, infact most people think I’m the complete opposite. That’s not to say I don’t have my moments of course I do, I am human and a female one at that. We have moods and ups and downs, I get hormonal! That’s just the way it goes, that’s life.

But these last few weeks I have been constantly made to feel like I am moody and miserable and negative.

And I know I’m not.

I’ve tried to make the best out of situations and find the positive and be understanding as I know everyone has their own issues, but I can’t do it anymore.

I am on a journey, I am finding out who I am, I did something very positive for myself and I am not even a year out from that and I get annoyed and frustrated by things I can’t control, but I still put on a smile every day and get on with it.

THAT IS WHO I AM!

When I was in hospital, on about day five the receptionist on the ward said something along the lines of “you are always so happy, whenever you walk past us you have a smile for us, I don’t know how you do it, I’m going to miss you when you are gone” It was a lovely thing to say and made me feel good at a shitty time, I told her I don’t think I was smiling on the afternoon of my op, but she told me I most definitely was!

THAT IS WHO I AM!

The day before I left, a woman who was in a private room was moved to the bed next to me and she thanked me. Thanked me for smiling at her every time I went to the bathroom, it made her day, she said she was so lonely in the room, she looked out for me to walk past, to say hello and give her a little smile, she was so grateful to me for something I don’t even think about.

THAT IS WHO I AM!

I AM ME!

And I am happy with who I am becoming if you wanted to enjoy the journey with me, you could have. I loved our time together, you have shown me I can be with someone as I am, and it’s ok, I’m not someone to be ashamed of, I am funny and interesting and someone worth knowing. I can do things I’ve never done before and bloody well enjoy them and for that I truely thank you. Just wish you could have seen how happy I actually was instead of putting what you thought I was feeling, before me, because I was happy.

take_me_as_i_am-87528

Yesterday was a fantastic day for not eating carbs, I say I didn’t eat them, I did however drink them!

But drinking milk doesn’t seem to send me into a carb spiral, I can deal with the milk as it is, just that and I don’t feel the need to eat bad food and I woke up today in a much better frame of mind.

I’ve going all day again without food and then I’m going to have the high protein pizza dip thats doing the rounds on facebook at the moment along with some cauliflower cheese sticks to use for dip! So tasty!

So all in all I am doing okay right now I think.

I am sad for the way things have gone, but it all helps us grow as people and become better versions of ourselves!

Hopefully be back soon with a fixed tummy and new adventures to have! If not it was good knowing you all!

Eat well, exercise lots!

Soon

H x

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Keto – Oh No!

13 Jul

Keto, paelo, low carb etc is something I think about alot. Clare is the almost expert she is the one I go to when I need help. She has given me alot of information and I have read alot myself and it’s something I really want to stick to. It makes so much sense.
Carbs feed carbs it’s as simple as that. When I was on my pre op diet, after a few days, once you get through the pain it gets easy, you no longer crave the sugars and it just becomes a way of life. And it feels bloody good to be that in control of what you are eating. I’m pretty sure I was sticking to under 30g a day when I was on my preop. But since then, because I have nothing to work towards I find that so hard.

As anyone who knows me, I love my one shot latte from Costa and I can have as many as three a day (no one would care if I had five coffees at home, but everyone has an opinion on my Costa addiction!) so it’s bye bye keto right there!
I also suffer from another terrible affliction, I have an awful disease that no carnivores understand…

…I am a vegetarian! Oh no, the horror!

So again, that in itself makes going keto bloody hard!

But it’s something I want to do, I don’t want to be super low to begin with, I know I can’t do it, so I’m just going to aim under 50g that is going to be difficult with giving up my lattes, I’ll start going down to one a day. It can only be a good thing as I know I have used them as a food substitute, which is now getting harder as the hunger has come back. Goddamnit I did not miss that I can tell you! It’s funny how no one really talks about that. It’s not proper hunger like I used to feel, but it’s definitely there something I could really live without! Makes me feel pretty shitty.
So now I’m starting the research on how to go keto as a vegetarian, I’m reading this document I have found which looks quite interesting, I haven’t finished reading it yet as I haven’t had any time to just stop and focus. With the gym and road trips and people commitments I can’t get the time to give it my full attention, so I’m not 100% committed to it just yet, but keeping my carbs down as much as I can.
Doing this as a non meat eater obviously is going to be alot different, I need to get nutrients from other sources and my carb content is naturally going to be that much higher than someone who is a meat eater. I am OK with that, this is about me and doing the best for me and I cannot eat meat, no matter who says I should. It just ain’t gonna happen guys! Let’s all become vegetarians instead!

I have the nutritionist in 20 days and I would love love love to be under 18 (252) stone by then. I can’t see it happening though. There is no control over what my weight is, it has been like this since surgery, no matter what I do it will stick or move whenever it wants to regardless of any input on my part. Some people find that really hard to understand, and it’s very frustrating, but my nurse told me it’s expected, I am nearly 14 stone down in total, I have to be happy with that. But I still want to prove Mr Barry wrong!
I’m hoping I will get to see him in the next few months, my 12 month checkup should be in September and I really want to ask him about my legs. If I could get surgery on them it would help alot. Not even to look better for cosmetic reasons, though that would make me feel better, but for every day life reason, the fat pockets are in my way and often feels like I have something caught in my legs, it’s very annoying. And no amount of work I do at the gym is going to solve this and believe me, I’m putting in alot of work, I can feel muscles I’ve never felt before, in my thighs and arms but they are coated in mounds of excess skin! If I feel brave enough I shall show my legs (be warned- NOT pretty!) when I get home! No matter what we do or how hard we now work nothing is ever going to let us forget what we used to be, yes we might have abused ourselves but when we finally see what we’ve done and need help, we will always have a reminder and never look normal. It’s very disheartening.

I went for my preop appointment this morning, had the most miserable nurse I have ever had the pleasure of meeting going through it all with me. He was most unhelpful and quite rude, I was trying to explain about the diabetes situation, but he wasn’t listening, and said I don’t care what you were, sat across from the table from me now are you diabetic.. I gave up and said no.. So if my bloods go crazy, it’s his fault! I have to go into hospital at 07:30 next Wednesday have to see the anaesthetist because my bmi was 41 and it’s not meant to be over 40 then hopefully there will be a bed and I will get my hernia repaired. Though he did say there probably won’t be a bed! Fabulous indeed!
I’m scared of how this is going to affect me. Will I put weight back on? No exercise or driving for a couple of weeks at least. I am slightly worried.

They say losing weight is all about the food exercise just strengthens and tones you, so if I can get my head into doing keto then I guess not being able to exercise shouldn’t matter at all.
So this is the plan this week, brain be prepared ketosis is coming!

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