Archive | August, 2015

Day 14!

26 Aug

So its been a fortnight since my surgery.

I am finally feeling better. My hernia surgery hasn’t hurt for days I don’t think, it was taken over by the infection and impaction (never again!!) pain.

My car has been fixed and is sitting outside and I’m thinking do I go out and drive?

I am missing it so much and I will feel so much better if I am independent again, but there is that slight worry someone will go into me (I have reason for that worry!) or I will need to stop suddenly.

Hmm decisions!

I took a pic to send to Clare last week and this wasn’t my worst day, I got so much worse that this! I looked awful, but I am over the worst now, just need to get back in the car, then to the gym and all will be back to normal.

I’m so impatient!

Amazing what a bit of makeup and a smile can do lol

To drive or not to drive!?!

Soon

H x

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Still here!

21 Aug

After three days of back and forth to hospital and trying to rest in the recliner I got really bad yesterday. I had gone home and was meant to go back for a scan the next day as they didn’t have any slots left and all night I kept waking up boiling hot but I was shivering and my teeth were shattering, so I got another blanket, which probably made everything worse!
My head was throbbing and my mouth was dry even though I was drinking alot of water.

The evening before I had noticed I had swollen lymph nodes that were terribly painful, so I know it was getting worse. I woke up about 5 and thought I need to go back in, so I rang the ward and they told me to come straight back.
By the time I got here I was a complete mess. She took me in for obs and all our a sudden I was pouring with sweat, it was dripping from everywhere, I was feeling so sick and dizzy my heartbeat was 117 and my blood pressure was 160/98 she told them to get the ecg machine as she didn’t want to leave me, nothing would stick to my body because it was cold and clammy so they had a hard time sticking the cannula and ecg tabs on me!
I felt pretty damn awful.
They told me my scan was at 2 and I needed iv antibiotics around midday, so my dad asked if I could go home to sleep for a bit and they agreed I really didn’t want to spend all that time in the recliner!
So off we went home with the cannula bandaged up to keep it in.
I had an hour and a half’s sleep it was amazing and then we went back down.
I had my antibiotics connect and sat through that going in my arm, but I was feeling so sick so they game me an anti sickness drip too and I have no idea what happened but I could not keep my eyes open, I had brought a pillow back down with me to make it more tolerable and I sat there with it over my face and I was out of it, I wasn’t asleep but I wasn’t really with it,  was a really weird sensation!

I stayed like that until a porter came to get me, he took me down to be scanned, she had a good look around, could clearly see the haematoma and she scanned some other areas too, I noticed she took a photo somewhere else and that she put GB, knowing history of us bypassers I asked her if that was the gallbladder to which she said yes, so it got me thinking when she sent me out to wait for the porter, so I went back in and I said I know you’re not allowed to say, but did it show something with my gallbladder, to which she said she couldn’t tell me, but with my amazing powers of persuasion I got her to tell me, she told me there is a pretty big stone in there :/ it might never cause me any problems but knowing how things are with bypassers and the fact there is already a bit stone in there I’m not holding out too much hope.
So the positive I can take out of that is.. At least I know!

I went back to the ward, about 5pm I was called I’m to wait for the doctor and she said she was going to cut it and see what come out, she was a pregnant Russian lady and she was so funny! She injected me with local anesthetic and slices me open, then gets some blunt scissors and starts poking and prodding around in there, but nope not a thing! No gunk, no pus and minimal blood, it’s all a frigging solid mass!
She leaves it as an open wound and packs it with what looks like white fibreglass! And covers it all up.
At this point she gives me too choices, I can either go home with antibiotics and have a district nurse come out every day and hope the antibiotics works. Or stay in carry on with the iv antibiotics, which are so much stronger than oral, but one catch! No bed!
Of course.
But they were going to try, hard.
I didn’t know what to do, I told them I would speak to my family and make a decision.
They wanted to me to stay in, which is what I wanted to do to get the best antibiotics, but I needed a bed I was so tired, fed up and unwell.
About five minutes later they told me they had a bed for me.
Yes! Perfect!

I stay there for the night, in a mixed ward chatting to Kerry and Dave, my dad brought in a fan for me which I desperately needed! Then dave got his wife to do the same! Lol got as much sleep as I could.
Next day, which I think was Saturday I moved back to the ward I was on after surgery, but by the window this time thankfully!
And that’s where I stayed this morning, hooked up to an iv three times a day being pumped full of meds.
But I have not had it easy!

Don’t read below if you have a weak tummy!
Toilet talk and open wound pics.

Taking tramadol, oramorph and codine for the last two weeks has resulted in me having a bad toilet time! Having a bypass already makes it bad, but this has been horrific, I couldn’t even get out of bed yesterday they were meant to be getting me an enema but the Dr went back for emergency surgery, so it want prescribed until half one this morning and then I wasn’t allowed it because it was too late!
But finally at 8 this morning I got it. I have never ever had that before, it was so bizarre and not at all what I was expecting but it started to work within twenty mins and I think by the hour I was completely done!
What a relief I am starting to feel like me again.
It wasn’t all quite as easy as that, for three days I was having a pretty hard time, but I really don’t think anyone wants to hear about all that! It was quite horrendous and I never ever want to go through all that again.
I haven’t been for the best part of two weeks all I did was cry yesterday as I was so down and felt so alone.

But now I am back with my dogs, led in my own watching American big brother.
I don’t feel 100% yet, but I’m getting there.
Just want to get on with moving on from all these surgeries, and start enjoying life again!

Oh so the title is now wrong, I am not still there!

Soon

H x

Hospital

19 Aug

My bed for the night :(

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In so much pain.
No sleep again for me.

______________________________

I’ve been see by the doctors now, and it’s weird I had this thought one day in the week, I thought I wrote it here, but I must have told the nurse instead.
While I was half awake half asleep when you’re having the weird thoughts, my head was telling me I was filling with blood under my skin, after all my extra juiciness during my bypass I was worried about it, but tried to forget it.
A girl should never forget her first instincts!
Haematoma in my belly which might be infected!
That explains the spreading of pain, the hardest growing and the burning radiating further out.
I’m so fucking angry at my doctor. I went there this afternoon he said everything was fine! He almost killed my nan 30 years ago, now he’s trying to kill me! God he is terrible :/
So I’m on morphine, which isn’t helping antibiotics and a scan in the morning to see if I need surgery again!

Argh I’m pissed!

To date or not to date!

17 Aug

That is most definitely the question right now!

I’ve never been one to date. Always been in relationships and my last two just happened without any effort from me, but I don’t think I can be bothered with relationships anymore. So.Much.Hassle.

So what to do?

Date!?

Right now I have some options too! It’s been really quite fun. I’m going to become all American and go on multiple dates in a week and have no one special.

eedde1981de652301b916437c8d29501I am getting to know three people right now and it’s keeping me happy. I haven’t actually gone out with any of them yet. But they all live close to me this time! No more long distance like my last three.

I’m probably not in a place where I should be looking still, but it’s nice to have someone who makes you smile when they message you. I miss having that, so screw it is what I say right now. I’m not hurting anyone but potentially myself!

e9dcf74980da9246d551a29b95a166c7One is 40 so closer to my age and the others are 25 and 27. It’s funny how the younger men are always much more fun! Makes me sad.

It’s very daunting though. When do you decide the time is right to meet. And I still have this problem of wanting to tell people about what I’ve had done. That’s not an issue for me, as you know I’m quite an open person. Everyone I know knows about my surgery I am not ashamed in the slightest. But at what point does it just become something I had done rather than who I am?

I am aware it has made me who I am now. But when can I stop having to justify myself. I still feel like it has to be something I tell someone I meet. Especially if it goes further than just a coffee/whatever date.134dc26514d789b8d42fdc05f70026fa

How do I get around the issue of skin and boobs that are down to my ankles and rolls and rolls of fat.. that I have been made to be very aware of recently. Thanks for that. When you let someone in and they use the things that would be the most cutting to hurt you as best as possible.

How do you tell someone, “well look, I’d like to get naked with you! But I have to warn you first, it is not pretty!” Clothes cover it for the most part, but when they have gone, its “ugh-oh”! Well most of you who have had surgery know exactly what it’s like because you are living with it too!

a5c3a340d259c4b9da6bd7547693c52dFive years ago I never thought I would have to care about this again! My husband didn’t mind about any of that. And probably most men don’t, it all works the same after all, and the men I have been in relationships with haven’t had perfect bodies either, far from it!
But as a woman, you are made to feel like you need it. All smooth and perfect. I know reality is alot different, even slim people don’t have perfection. But it would be nice not to look like this too!

Maybe I should just start directing people here so they get a preview first!

genuine-peopleYes that’s my plan!

Then only genuine people will end up with my time :)

I AM most definitely worth it!

Until then, I will just enjoy what happens.

Soon

H x

Because I know Clare will appreciate this!!!! LOL!!!!

Because I know Clare will appreciate this!!!! LOL

Out of the Darkness!

16 Aug

So I woke up on my tummy in the middle of the night!

Oops.

It’s the only way I can really sleep, so it’s inevitable I will find myself that way at some point, just didn’t want it to be so soon!

It was actually quite comfortable, the only time I’m in pain is when I try and turn over, so I just stayed like it, and wiggled! I’m a strange sleeper :p

LUSH!!

LUSH!!

I gave up with the dressings, it doesn’t look too bad. No stitches, looks like they used glue, it’s very hot and hard to touch all around there and the bruising is coming up nicely now. But I think I’m going to survive and at least no more emergency trips to the hospital at the most awkward times! Yay!.. or maybe I would have been better staying in the hospital at those times! My life would have been so much less complicated if I had :)

My sister is off to Harry Potter World tomorrow, I so so so want to go driving down there with her, I love that drive so much, but only bad memories are there now. She is going with her ex boyfriend. They arranged it when they were together, but have recently split, luckily they are remaining friends, which I think is the way it should be. No need for nastiness and bitterness, especially when it’s not deserved.

I’ve finally figured out my macros for ketosis! But the thought of weighing and measuring every single thing really puts me off. Clare said to just keep the carbs under 20 and it will be ok. I am still working on it!

freeAt the moment I am not being good with food at all. I’m really annoyed with myself as I should be eating right to help with the healing, especially protein, but I’m not. So as soon as I’m better I am going to go hard on this. No lattes, no carbs at all. I did it a year ago to get surgery, I can do it again. I know what to eat and I know how easy it is after the first few days. Just got to get my head back into it. It’s great when the food cravings go away. You feel free from food.

Also yesterday I felt free in other ways. Like everything I have been feeling lately just lifted! It was an amazing feeling and I’m so glad I’m out of it. Never will I get myself into a situation like that again. My life is moving forward, not backward or standing still. I was in such a dark place for a few weeks, but instantly everything changed. When you realise you are so much better than what people wanted you to believe you are free of them and their negativity.

I am so happy in myself right now and maybe you do have to get to your lowest point to realise this and boy was I there, but now I feel amazing and nothing is going to take that away from me again.

Try your best

Free

Soon

H x

Yes?… Hello..?

15 Aug

Made my point!

That made me laugh.

Pain!

14 Aug

I cannot believe how much this hurts!
I am in more pain right now from a relatively simple operation to what I was after my major insides rearranging bypass!
I was bleeding last night so went to the doctors today to see the nurse.
She said I need to keep an eye on it as bleeding can be a sign of infection. Let’s hope not.
I have slept most of the day.
I am eating terribly.
Just want it all to go back to normal as soon as possible!

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