How am I?

6 Aug

Well isnt that the $64,000 question!

And the answer would be NOT GOOD!

I have been struggling for a while, if my posts haven’t given it away, and this week life is really trying to screw me over. I think I must have done something really bad in a previous life to be feeling like this right now.

It’s funny, we think surgery will solve all our problems and I guess it does for some of it, I’m no longer hugely obese, I can walk, I can go out, I am quite independent in certain aspects of my life. It’s all good.

But emotionally I am a mess. I have probably said I came off citalopram and for a little while I was ok, maybe that was still the effects of the drug. Maybe while everything was going ok in my personal life I could cope, but now everything has changed and I have never felt so low in all my life. Not even when I took an overdose did I feel this bad.
The bariatric nurse told me to stay on them for a while, but I thought I was doing okay. How wrong I actually was!

You-judge-meHow I got through last night in one piece I shall never know.

I am a friendly person, I come across as happy and confident, but things affect me pretty bad and I try to hold on to things I care about. It might not be in my best interests, but if it makes me feel better then I will do it, because that is who I am, no one else might understand it, but I’m not a cold heartless person, if I left you in, you mean something to me and I will do my damnedest to keep that.

A few months ago I was happily getting on with everything, figuring out who I am, cos I don’t know anymore, we change after surgery. We no longer have that crutch to dampen down our moods, I can’t eat my feelings now, so everything affects me differently.

I didn’t need anyone in my life, I was ok, but I was pushed into something that should most definitely should have remained good friends. I was not in the right place for more, and if I had been stronger, then I could have stood my ground, but I am not there yet and went with it when everything was telling me not to. I did have nice times, I did learn some things about myself. But now I’m paying for that. I’ve lost two friends, who I needed in my life and now they’re gone and I’ll be damned if I am going to say sorry for feeling the way I do and needing to do the things I do to keep myself sane, though right now the things I have done really arnt keeping me sane or happy!

I have been hurt more than anyone will understand at a time when I didn’t need it. But they both only see things from their own point of view and I am not going to change that.

Instead of putting me down more, it would be nice for people to understand ME!

After all you are meant to be my friends.

The things people expect from me sometimes are unreal. I am human, sometimes I do things right, sometimes I make mistakes, I find it hard cutting people out. But I do have feelings and they bloody hurt right now, it seems everyone likes kicking me when I am down. One day I won’t bother getting back up.

I feel very vulnerable right now.

So if I wasn’t feeling bad enough already, my morning took a turn for the worse.

I had an appointment for the doctors, I was on my way there, pulled up to a roundabout and some young boy not looking ahead, smashes straight into the back of my car.

Oh this was so true today.

Oh this was so true today.

Just.What.I.Need.

I just sat there and cried.

I Cried, cried.

And then cried some more.

I wasn’t hurt too much, the police wanted me to go to hospital, but I didn’t want to. The boy told me he had been drinking, but we both passed the breath test, he was slurring his words though, so I have no idea what that was about.

They probably all thought I was crazy, just sat there crying.

I couldn’t speak to the boy when I was there, then as I was leaving I saw him crying and felt pretty bad for not checking he was okay, so after the doctors I sent him a text to check, which probably most people wouldn’t have done, but it was making me feel bad, so I did. But I don’t make sense to anyone but myself, and even then I don’t get it.

That was the first accident I have ever been in and I really don’t want another, but it doesn’t bode well when I’ve only been driving a few months and I’ve had one already :/

When I finally saw the doctor I had to take the depression assessment test and it was a high score, maybe doing it right after a car accident wasn’t the best time to be taking it, but I think I was pretty accurate on how I was feeling the last two weeks. When you can’t get out of bed and cry at anything something is most definitely wrong!

So he has put me on a different antidepressant as I didn’t want to go back on citalopram, its one which I have to take at night as it can make you drowsy, I like things to make me sleep!

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I’m going to spend some time with my dogs up the mountain now. Blow away some of this crap in my brain and hopefully come back feeling better.

I don’t need any texts or messages from anyone that is going to make me feel even worse! So if you have any thoughts for me, leave me be.

No, I’m not okay, but you’re not going to make it any better.

Thanks

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