Lessons to learn.

8 Aug

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I walked into Costa this morning and one of the girls turned around and said “Omg look at you, I can really see how much weight you have lost!”
I still find it so hard to deal with, it feels nice of course, but my brain doesn’t like it. I hear myself saying, yeah but I go so much more to lose. Wish I could just appreciate it for what it was and learn to enjoy it. Always making excuses!

I have to keep remembering where I am now. I started to make an album yesterday, click link to have a look at some pics. Hopefully it works.

Here are three face pics from there, first is 2013, one is day of surgery and other is last night. Crazy!

I don’t see the change until I really look at something like this. And it is working! I feel amazing, I just need my head to hurry and catch up. But people in my life are really not helping with that at the moment though.

Got my new meds yesterday, had a tablet this morning and ended up back in bed for four hours! Maybe I need to take them at night in future! I could quite happily go back there now as well.
Not planning on the gym today, want to do something with the dogs, not sure yet, was meant to be going to Bristol balloon fiesta, but because of certain people, I left it too late and all the car parking spaces were gone.
Ah well maybe next year!

Still feeling a bit lost but coming to terms with everything.
Antipsychotics and mood stabilisers do not strip me of my personality and make me malleable to do what others want because I have no clue of what I want.
I can smile knowing that I’ve got my own mind, my own personality that won’t be pushed around and I’m most definitely NOT a wet fish.
That makes me so happy!
Can you really call it a happy relationship, or even an actual relationship, when you don’t even know the real person, when they are so dumbed down on medication you don’t know who they are?
The real person only came out when the meds stopped. And that person isnt very nice.
But I guess as long as they need you, and depend on you, and my god do you have to be needed, it feels good for you to be needed. It’s your own fake love bubble. Enjoy while it lasts! I’ll never understand it.

Always be moving forward not backward.

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That is my new motto! Thank you Johnny.

wpid-1d7786383f37a0b5d5d9bc420cd1b363.jpgAs they say I guess everything is sent to try us and I have most definitely been tried!
I’ve been told alot lately lucky escape! Lucky escape! But I need to make my own call on that. Not be made to feel it’s my only option.
I will get to where I need to be when my brain has caught up, until then you’re just pushing me away.

I have to do what is right for me and I might not always make the right choices, it might take me twenty years, but I’ll get there!

And when I do get there, I will have learnt a lesson and that’s what its all about. I need to make my own mistakes to learn from them.
I guess you will too. Just wish you had left me out of this mistake and dealt with it without using me to get even with someone else!

I know my posts are a bit random lately, but that is how my brain is right now! I need to get things out of my head and this is the only way I know. Some of this will make sense to some of the people reading, alot of it wont. A few posts have been made private so only if you managed to read them will you understand or if you know me for reals! Which probably isnt something you want right now with how insane I sound! lol

Doggy time!

Soon.

H x

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