3 Nov

I was on my way to the gym one day last week.

It was cold outside, cloudy and windy. As I was driving down Llantarnam Road I noticed how the orange leaves were blowing off the trees, they were falling down and slowly drifing sideways into the road. It looked so pretty and in that moment I was overwhelmed. I started crying and I couldn’t stop.

I was thinking about all the time I was sat in my bed, wishing I was outside, feeling the cold and the rain on my face. Getting rosy cheeks from the bitterness, being wrapped up in a hat, scarf, gloves and coat. Wearing wellies and enjoying this time of year. How I wanted that and missed it so much.

And here I was, able to do that now, I’m out living my life, doing whatever I want, going wherever I want, no one to tell me no, no one to answer to. I am just free to be me and enjoying everything I couldn’t before.

I felt awful and wonderful all at once. So sad that I had wasted so much of my life being controlled by that fat.

Being so much less than human.

Not living.

Get-Ready-for-Fireplaces-Changing-Leaves-and-Chilly-Nights-With-These-27-Fall-Quotes-14It feels wonderful to be the opposite of that now. To feel everything and not care about what anyone else thinks, because they don’t matter. I don’t have to lock myself away in my bedroom because I am ashamed to let people see me.

They can see me and all my excess skin and I just don’t care, because I can go stand under the leaves, falling, in my hat and scarf and gloves and enjoy every single second of it.

And it is fucking amazing!

I lasted about two months on keto.

d8d25c7c2ecf1211094005c6121cb11eThe weight hardly moved and while I loved how it made me feel, hormones got the better of me! I had a bread roll with my Harvester salad on the Wednesday that I went to my year check up. On the Friday me and Clare met up and oh boy, was that a slippery descent into carb hell! We should not have been allowed to be together when we were both hormonal, eaten small amounts of carbs (she ate mince pies!!!!) and went to Cardiff where there was beautiful onion rings and Jalapeno jelly!! Wow, it was not a good combination, but we enjoyed it! lol

10553545_440917769396391_4946594825099486869_n1I am just eating more normally now, yet somehow I woke up this morning at 17st 4lbs. My body does not make sense to anyone. Not even to itself! I’ll just stay low carb, but not crazy low carby keto! I want to enjoy myself too.

As of today I am back on the morphine. Hoping this wont affect the weight though. Time will tell. I must remember to take my macrogol with this though! I really don’t want to end up like I did in hospital! Never ever ever again do I want that!

So I have 23 days until I am 39 and I have now officially hit old!
My whole family wears glasses, all my siblings have worn them from when they were young children. Both parents have had them when they got older.
The weirdest thing happened to me on the weekend! I went to bed completely fine on Saturday night. I could see perfectly had no problem whatsoever! I wake up Sunday and notice my vision is blurry. Close up is fine, I can message people on my phone, but looking at something across the room is odd. Something is wrong
As the day goes on I figure out its my left eye. Everything is going through my mind and I’m starting to panic a bit. Hoping going to sleep will help and it doesn’t, so I get an appointment for opticians and explain whats happened.

Turns out… over night I have become short-sighted! Like what the hell?! How did that even happen.
They think it might have been going on a while and I just didn’t notice. I guess with having to focus more when driving my eye just gave up!

My right is 0.25 and my left is 1.00 so there is a bit of a difference. I hate being odd so this is making me crazy.

I chose two pairs of glasses I looked like an idiot in all of them. I don’t even wear sunglasses I think I look so stupid! I have only worn them since I started driving as I really have no choice, so now I have to wear them for driving and watching tv it kind of sucks. I really don’t like having anything on my face!
I have a trial of contacts, but its a bit hard, I will persevere though. A family friend asked if I could see better now, I said no! I see just the same as I did Saturday night, just £150 poorer now!

I am not happy!

Look how stupid I look!

Stupid! Stuipd! Stupid!

Stupid! Stuipd! Stupid!

Soon

H x

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