Archive | January, 2016

Got Mmmmmmmmilk?

30 Jan

enhanced-buzz-30216-1381242318-6

On the 10th I have an appointment at Morriston with the psychologist.

I need it

I’ve been losing control so badly. I have no idea what is wrong with me, but I still have huge issues with food.
I knew surgery would never fix them, but I was hoping they would control them and it hasn’t.
No, I can’t eat huge amounts of food, but it is still so damn easy to eat junk food and dumping isn’t really that much of a deterrant if I’m honest.

It’s funny because before surgery I would be like how can they have gone through all that to change their lives then carry on eating and gain weight. But unless you have complete control it can still be something that so easily happens.

But my issues arnt just the food I eat, it’s how I actually deal with it! I think I’m actually quite crazy.
I can go out and buy something, say crisps and chocolate and instead of being like a “normal” person and putting them in the cupboard and enjoying them over a week or two, I start to panic!
Oh god it’s in the house I must eat it all at once, so it’s not here tomorrow! Tomorrow I don’t want to eat it, so lets have it all now and then tomorrow is a new day and I wont do it again, but inevitably I do the same thing tomorrow!
I cannot control how I behave around food. Something doesn’t work correctly somewhere.

So I emailed Nia and asked if it was still possible to see her, to which she said she would pass my email on and I would get an appointment!
So happy about that, maybe it will help, maybe it wont, but it would be nice to know why I’m doing this, apart from the obvious it tastes nice and the time!

I was avoiding the scales and last week I got on them and I have put on two stone since my lowest, for a day! weight 28lbs and that day I didn’t know what to do, so I decided I wasn’t going to eat from there on out until I could control myself!
Got-milk-friends-15278481-380-417So from that moment all I have had was milky coffee with unflavoured protien in it and some vimto and chewing gum!
It’s mental fucking torture! But if I’m not putting food in my mouth then I am not putting the wrong food in.
I know it’s stupid and I know it’s not the right way to go about it, but it’s all I can do right now. I think I am on day seven or eight now and to be honest with you I am actually petrified of eating again.
I am scared to death. I don’t know what I am going to do. I don’t know when to eat again or what I should eat. I know if I eat I wont make the right choices.
FFS why did it have to be food that was my addiction. I can honestly say I wish it was cocaine or alcohol and while I know that is an awful thing to say, you can go completely without them and never have to go near them again, but we all know that isnt possible with food!

FUCK FOOD!

ae78c2a13a25218a307fbf45c1e39955

I was also going to be taking a break from, now lets use this term very losely “dating” but I have in fact gone the opposite way and have met so many people! Sometimes two people a night! Not for sex I might just add before some of you think I’m doing that with two different guys a night!!! Although maybe it would take my mind off food! Maybe that’s where I’m going wrong!
I absolutely do love meeting new people though. It is fun, thats for sure.

There was something else I needed to update here, but for the life of me I cannot think of what it was right now.
The lack of food in my brain and the fact that all I can think of is I have to go to Asda right now to get more milk! :D

Maybe I’ll be back soon if I remember what it was!

Soon ish

H x

Advertisements

Quandary!

7 Jan

I’m in a bit of a pickle!

I am so so so so bored!

I think I’ve said this before, but knowing what to do is very hard.
I desperately want a job, to make my own money, to meet new people, to enjoy getting up every day and having something to do!
But!
I have worked out if I do that, I will be so much worse off!
So what do I do?
I really want to be a Health Care Assistant, but it is extremely hard to get into that line of worked. I have done so much research and I either have to be really lucky in finding a position that would even take me on to begin with as I have no experience and haven’t worked in such a long time or get another job at the NHS and apply internally for it, which seems so unlikely as why would they employ me?!

Another option I have is to go and work for my mum at Sainsburys, it’s a guaranteed job, very, very easy work, I will be finished by 10:00 am, but the wage is awful and do I really want to go to work everyday to a job I’m not bothered about for less money than I’m going to get if I just stay at home and be incredibly bored, slowly going insane and want to cry!?
Is there really any point in that at all?
Yes, I’ll be doing something and feel good about earning my own, which I haven’t done since I got married! So is that in itself worth it?
I just don’t know?

Enjoy work

This is what I need!

My last option is to become a carer, which is sort of a similar thing to the HCA, just going to homes, I think that bit scares me. I’ll have a car and it will be extremely hard work, and it does feel like my better option, but I will admit the idea of changing my life so much is petrifying, but I know I also want to and have to do it!
I just don’t know how!
Or do I just wait until they force me to do it?! It is so hard to make a decision!
I really don’t want to be doing nothing for much longer, I seriously cannot take it!
Some people think its a great idea, but until you are doing it and your brain has turned to mush and you can’t earn any extra money they really have no idea how utterly depressing it is not to work. Not even including the bad way I got myself into this situation.
Being obese is not fun!
Some days I regret every single moment from the second I met my ex husband, oh how my life would have been different if it wasn’t for that, or if we had made different decisions together. While I realise I made my own choices, he was a big influence in how shitty everything has turned out!

How do I make a decision!?

75e01c8041e74b58b00b3c4e822919f2

I adore Rachel! Though I think she is talking about me!

I want to feel better about myself and I really think this is the next step for me, but it feels freaking huge right now! Like a leap I just might not make! and fall flat on my face!!

Sometimes I shouldn’t be allowed to make my own decisions! I’m not responsible enough!

I also think I’m so done with the whole “dating” thing for a bit!
It’s too hard.
d40375de9794130101d8085315bc0b3c
I love talking to people! I love getting to know someone, as I’ve said before I’m a very open person and I don’t keep much a secret, but I think I let people in too quickly!

I can have a connection with someone I’ve met online. Some people don’t understand it, but there are some who are that little bit more special to you, you smile when you hear from them, they make you happy, you let them in and then…
…then they hurt you!

I had, or what I thought I had, was an amazing friend. We got on so well, he was great, we clicked immediately, we messaged, spoke on the phone, facetimed and made plans to meet. I was so excited! Then something went wrong and its all gone now!
Tones of messages can not be conveyed in text and sometimes we would both take things the wrong way, but we would manage to sort it out, but something happened this week and things were said and we decided it was all just too hard.
3f426bef14da2ee1b524a8ae9c68bfd3Distance was a huge issue, if we hadn’t been so far apart it would have been different. But distance requires effort and he was a busy person. He also thinks my last message was sent to hurt him and it really wasn’t I was ill and upset, my words were not nasty, just questioning. I didn’t want the world, just wanted to feel like I mattered and he couldn’t do that anymore for whatever reason!
Part of me thinks it was because I gave him my blog address! I really need to stop giving that out to people! I’ve done it alot this week and people can be very judgey!
But as I’ve said before, if I don’t tell people I feel like I’m keeping a huge secret, even though it’s not, it’s no body elses business. I am what I am and I’ve done what I’ve done to be the person I am today.
I’m a good person and so much more than my past. I am fun and happy to be around. I’m not a demanding person by far! I’m quite easy going, I just like to talk alot!

fd5107b16afc3c8cc723566c48c01815

This is what I need!

Oh well there is nothing I can do about it now. It would have been nice to have met, but there will be another one day. I just don’t know when and feel like I need a break from being hurt.
Maybe I was never meant to split from my ex husband, maybe I was meant to eat myself to death and now I’m going to be alone forever!

It certainly feels like that these days.

I really need to make some decisions very soon! I will have less time to wonder about people who shouldn’t matter in my life and it will finally have some meaning!
How I feel about myself right now is actually quite pathetic!

Soon

H x

To Eat?!

4 Jan

It’s so hard!

All day choices for food!

What do I eat?

I don’t know!

How can it be so difficult and painful. I have no clue. I know what I should eat and I know what I want to eat, but very rarely are they the same!

So I force myself to cook something that is more in line with what I should have and usually a portion is always too much, so I am inevitably left  with.. leftovers!

Yesterday I made something called “Poorly Cooked Eggs” it was quite tasty, but I didn’t have any asparagus so had it with red onion and Quorn chorizo intead. I actually had it for two meals and had to throw some away in the end as it was too much for me, so I AM trying with the left over thing!

Poorly-Cooked-Eggs-1-800

This wasn’t my one, but this is how the original looked.

I also read about this sprout concoction and have just given this a go, I’m not particularly fond of them and don’t usually eat them, but I need to get more veg in me, so I just cooked it and it was surprisingly nice!

Don’t know how often I would make it, but I will have it again to use up my bag of sprouts!

 

LN_013001_BP_11God knows what to eat later, maybe my favourite omelette, which is made with dollops of this amazing stuff.  I love that Clare got me to try it, it is seriously amazing when you cut into the gooey cheese!

For a long time my dad has been having issues with extra phlegm and is constantly wheezing its very irratating for him, especially when trying to sleep at night. He even had one incident where he woke up choking on it in the middle of the night, it had gone down his windpipe, scared both him and my brother half to death.
He’s been back and forth to doctors and hospital, taken antibiotics for it, but nothing seems to help.
So last week he asked me to take him to the hospital in the morning as he is having a camera and needs to be sedated for it.
I thought nothing of it. Then I asked him what it’s for assuming it was just about the excess fluid and he said they are putting the camera into his lung. I was cooking food and he just said they said I have small shadow on my lung.

What?!

What?!

You’re telling me now!

Just what we need.

That is how my grandmother, his mother died three years ago.

We don’t need this shit!

Staying calm.

But panic is going to set in soon!

Please let it be nothing.

Soon

H x

blogger-image--1209788526

If only this was true!

Being controlled..

2 Jan

..by food, again.

JunkFoodGod it is tough. I have been on an emotional low for a few weeks. I had to go stay at my uncles in Coventry for about a week while he had a right hemi colonectomy for cancer.
It was such a huge emotional toll on me. Not necessarily for the fact of the cancer, but just because I was being relied on so much.
I was responsible for nothing four years ago. Absolutely nothing. My only job was to get myself to the toilet every day!
Now I was living in a city I didn’t know, with my uncle’s wife who I didn’t know and their four-year old son who I didn’t know. I would have had a total melt down four years ago, and while I was close to that now, I couldn’t let it happen.

motivational-sayings-motivational-quotes-for-work-working-hard-and-believe-in-yourself

Especially when that person was YOU!

I had to get Jo-an back and forth to the hospital as she can’t drive, has no family living here, is from the Philippines and they had no one to look after their son while she was at the hospital. So I felt every damn bit of pressure, completely on me. It was hard to say the least. It wasn’t the most straight forward of weeks at all and I felt like I had no one to lean on or help me. I did spend a day crying as I didn’t know what I was doing.

But I made it though! Me the girl who led on her floor crying because I couldn’t put electricity in the meter. Three people relied on me and I got us through it and did a pretty good job of it.

You did good Hayley. Be proud of that!

Its been about two weeks now and I am back home, my uncle is getting better, though we still don’t know if he needs chemotherapy, but should know by the end of this week.

Christmas was pretty shitty!

It was the first one I had alone, while last year I was technically alone, I was still with Matthew, so I didn’t feel completely alone. This was my first holiday alone in twenty years and I felt it.
No one understands how I feel as no one is in my situation, but as usual I carry on as if I don’t care and nothing bothers me, but it does.

Went into the New Year asleep. Couldn’t even be bothered with it.

So now I feel like I want to change. Some how I need to get a job I like this year. One that will keep my mind happy and my hands full so I don’t eat food.
I am fed up of being bored. I am fed up of having nothing to do. I would love to some how have a job that related to surgery but that would never happen over here like it can do for some in America.
Being a Health Care Assistant, would be something I would love, but again, getting into that seems almost impossible and I really don’t want to start out working in something I hate and regret doing it.

So I really need to have a long hard think about what to do and start making changes so I can do it.

I need to quit with the bad food choices too. It makes me feel so ill and I don’t enjoy anything then.
I wish surgery coud have affected the brain too, but sadly it doesn’t. It is and always will be a constant struggle and as long as I know this and vow to always be aware of what I’m doing I shouldn’t put weight back on.
I have accepted that I will not get any smaller without surgery to remove my excess skin and this upsets me, but I really can’t do anything to change that.

I was 448lbs. I have excess skin. Most people are around 300lb with this surgery. I was not. I have all that extra to deal with. I have to accept it.
I did it to myself, that is the price for being so morbidly obese.
I can do so much more I have to be thankful for that and focus on getting a job and getting surgery to remove the skin.
Those are my two main goals for 2016.

I probably need to track food again. Going to stay under 50/60g of carbs a day, but I must track to take accountability and I need to post more.
I notice I am MIA from here when I am doing badly.
Must force myself everyday! Wish there were more people to encourage! Say hi if you’re reading and are not shy! I know there are quite a few of you!
Where in your journey are you? Or are you just reading? Hoping never to get as big as I did and doing it the traditional way?
Would love to hear from more people!

Either way I hope you had a good holiday period and you get all your goals/wishes for 2016 if you set any!

Soon!

H x

196d3bbd14d561b72c15ae7c2ce88295

Gains Lifestyle

Your Source For All Things Fitness, Nutrition, Bodybuilding & More

Granny's Kitchen

Learn how to cook- try new recipes, learn from your mistakes, and above all have fun

241 Journey

Becoming Whole Through Faith in God Alone

sleeveforme2014

My journey into the process of getting the Vertical Sleeve.......

My Carb Breakup

A girl, PCOS, insulin resistance, and her journey to change her relationship with carbs

ARTLESSLY FIT

Health & fitness in the most simple, cost-effective and straightforward ways

My Sweet Life

Type 1 diabetes can kinda suck; but life can still be sweet. Working out the balance - join me on the journey... ♥

Waisting Away Here

a weird but factual look at bariatric surgery

Tracy's journey after Gastric Bypass Surgery

Gastric Bypass Surgery July 30th 2014

Curvy Girl Unleashed

A Curvy Girl's Approach to Holistic Wellness...

Weighty Matters

Just another WordPress.com site

The Weight Loss Counter Revolution

Dedicated to giving you the truth about weight loss.

jayandrews84slimmingworld

My journey with slimming world something I never thought would happen

frugalfeeding | Low Budget Family Recipes, UK Food Blog

n. frugality; the quality of being economical with money or food.

Flirty by Thirty

A Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (VSG) Weight Loss Surgery Journey

WLS Princess

Trying to take it day by day.

Megan Has OCD

About Mental Health, Daily Struggles, and Whatever Else Pops in My Head

Before and after

Shit changes.

Dana Bean is Getting Lean

Life after RNY Gastric Bypass

6 in 6

my big fat 6 pack in 6 weeks challenge

WordPress.com

WordPress.com is the best place for your personal blog or business site.