Being controlled..

2 Jan

..by food, again.

JunkFoodGod it is tough. I have been on an emotional low for a few weeks. I had to go stay at my uncles in Coventry for about a week while he had a right hemi colonectomy for cancer.
It was such a huge emotional toll on me. Not necessarily for the fact of the cancer, but just because I was being relied on so much.
I was responsible for nothing four years ago. Absolutely nothing. My only job was to get myself to the toilet every day!
Now I was living in a city I didn’t know, with my uncle’s wife who I didn’t know and their four-year old son who I didn’t know. I would have had a total melt down four years ago, and while I was close to that now, I couldn’t let it happen.

motivational-sayings-motivational-quotes-for-work-working-hard-and-believe-in-yourself

Especially when that person was YOU!

I had to get Jo-an back and forth to the hospital as she can’t drive, has no family living here, is from the Philippines and they had no one to look after their son while she was at the hospital. So I felt every damn bit of pressure, completely on me. It was hard to say the least. It wasn’t the most straight forward of weeks at all and I felt like I had no one to lean on or help me. I did spend a day crying as I didn’t know what I was doing.

But I made it though! Me the girl who led on her floor crying because I couldn’t put electricity in the meter. Three people relied on me and I got us through it and did a pretty good job of it.

You did good Hayley. Be proud of that!

Its been about two weeks now and I am back home, my uncle is getting better, though we still don’t know if he needs chemotherapy, but should know by the end of this week.

Christmas was pretty shitty!

It was the first one I had alone, while last year I was technically alone, I was still with Matthew, so I didn’t feel completely alone. This was my first holiday alone in twenty years and I felt it.
No one understands how I feel as no one is in my situation, but as usual I carry on as if I don’t care and nothing bothers me, but it does.

Went into the New Year asleep. Couldn’t even be bothered with it.

So now I feel like I want to change. Some how I need to get a job I like this year. One that will keep my mind happy and my hands full so I don’t eat food.
I am fed up of being bored. I am fed up of having nothing to do. I would love to some how have a job that related to surgery but that would never happen over here like it can do for some in America.
Being a Health Care Assistant, would be something I would love, but again, getting into that seems almost impossible and I really don’t want to start out working in something I hate and regret doing it.

So I really need to have a long hard think about what to do and start making changes so I can do it.

I need to quit with the bad food choices too. It makes me feel so ill and I don’t enjoy anything then.
I wish surgery coud have affected the brain too, but sadly it doesn’t. It is and always will be a constant struggle and as long as I know this and vow to always be aware of what I’m doing I shouldn’t put weight back on.
I have accepted that I will not get any smaller without surgery to remove my excess skin and this upsets me, but I really can’t do anything to change that.

I was 448lbs. I have excess skin. Most people are around 300lb with this surgery. I was not. I have all that extra to deal with. I have to accept it.
I did it to myself, that is the price for being so morbidly obese.
I can do so much more I have to be thankful for that and focus on getting a job and getting surgery to remove the skin.
Those are my two main goals for 2016.

I probably need to track food again. Going to stay under 50/60g of carbs a day, but I must track to take accountability and I need to post more.
I notice I am MIA from here when I am doing badly.
Must force myself everyday! Wish there were more people to encourage! Say hi if you’re reading and are not shy! I know there are quite a few of you!
Where in your journey are you? Or are you just reading? Hoping never to get as big as I did and doing it the traditional way?
Would love to hear from more people!

Either way I hope you had a good holiday period and you get all your goals/wishes for 2016 if you set any!

Soon!

H x

196d3bbd14d561b72c15ae7c2ce88295

Advertisements

2 Responses to “Being controlled..”

  1. sleeveforme22 January 3, 2016 at 00:08 #

    Hi Haley, I’m from Indiana and write my own blog here. I’m in my 9 month post op and doing well. All my emotional struggles and weight struggles are documented there if interested. I do post every Thursday (my weekly weigh-in day) to stay accountable to myself but also to those who might be looking to me for inspiration. Good luck and Happy 2016!

    • Hayley January 3, 2016 at 19:08 #

      Thanks! I’ll take a look!

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Gains Lifestyle

Your Source For All Things Fitness, Nutrition, Bodybuilding & More

Granny's Kitchen

Learn how to cook- try new recipes, learn from your mistakes, and above all have fun

241 Journey

Becoming Whole Through Faith in God Alone

sleeveforme2014

My journey into the process of getting the Vertical Sleeve.......

My Carb Breakup

A girl, PCOS, insulin resistance, and her journey to change her relationship with carbs

ARTLESSLY FIT

Health & fitness in the most simple, cost-effective and straightforward ways

My Sweet Life

Type 1 diabetes can kinda suck; but life can still be sweet. Working out the balance - join me on the journey... ♥

Waisting Away Here

a weird but factual look at bariatric surgery

Tracy's journey after Gastric Bypass Surgery

Gastric Bypass Surgery July 30th 2014

Curvy Girl Unleashed

A Curvy Girl's Approach to Holistic Wellness...

Weighty Matters

Just another WordPress.com site

The Weight Loss Counter Revolution

Dedicated to giving you the truth about weight loss.

jayandrews84slimmingworld

My journey with slimming world something I never thought would happen

frugalfeeding | Low Budget Family Recipes, UK Food Blog

n. frugality; the quality of being economical with money or food.

Flirty by Thirty

A Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (VSG) Weight Loss Surgery Journey

WLS Princess

Trying to take it day by day.

Megan Has OCD

About Mental Health, Daily Struggles, and Whatever Else Pops in My Head

Cwmbran Life

Cwmbran and nothing but Cwmbran

Before and after

Shit changes.

Dana Bean is Getting Lean

Life after RNY Gastric Bypass

6 in 6

my big fat 6 pack in 6 weeks challenge

WordPress.com

WordPress.com is the best place for your personal blog or business site.

%d bloggers like this: