Quandary!

7 Jan

I’m in a bit of a pickle!

I am so so so so bored!

I think I’ve said this before, but knowing what to do is very hard.
I desperately want a job, to make my own money, to meet new people, to enjoy getting up every day and having something to do!
But!
I have worked out if I do that, I will be so much worse off!
So what do I do?
I really want to be a Health Care Assistant, but it is extremely hard to get into that line of worked. I have done so much research and I either have to be really lucky in finding a position that would even take me on to begin with as I have no experience and haven’t worked in such a long time or get another job at the NHS and apply internally for it, which seems so unlikely as why would they employ me?!

Another option I have is to go and work for my mum at Sainsburys, it’s a guaranteed job, very, very easy work, I will be finished by 10:00 am, but the wage is awful and do I really want to go to work everyday to a job I’m not bothered about for less money than I’m going to get if I just stay at home and be incredibly bored, slowly going insane and want to cry!?
Is there really any point in that at all?
Yes, I’ll be doing something and feel good about earning my own, which I haven’t done since I got married! So is that in itself worth it?
I just don’t know?

Enjoy work

This is what I need!

My last option is to become a carer, which is sort of a similar thing to the HCA, just going to homes, I think that bit scares me. I’ll have a car and it will be extremely hard work, and it does feel like my better option, but I will admit the idea of changing my life so much is petrifying, but I know I also want to and have to do it!
I just don’t know how!
Or do I just wait until they force me to do it?! It is so hard to make a decision!
I really don’t want to be doing nothing for much longer, I seriously cannot take it!
Some people think its a great idea, but until you are doing it and your brain has turned to mush and you can’t earn any extra money they really have no idea how utterly depressing it is not to work. Not even including the bad way I got myself into this situation.
Being obese is not fun!
Some days I regret every single moment from the second I met my ex husband, oh how my life would have been different if it wasn’t for that, or if we had made different decisions together. While I realise I made my own choices, he was a big influence in how shitty everything has turned out!

How do I make a decision!?

75e01c8041e74b58b00b3c4e822919f2

I adore Rachel! Though I think she is talking about me!

I want to feel better about myself and I really think this is the next step for me, but it feels freaking huge right now! Like a leap I just might not make! and fall flat on my face!!

Sometimes I shouldn’t be allowed to make my own decisions! I’m not responsible enough!

I also think I’m so done with the whole “dating” thing for a bit!
It’s too hard.
d40375de9794130101d8085315bc0b3c
I love talking to people! I love getting to know someone, as I’ve said before I’m a very open person and I don’t keep much a secret, but I think I let people in too quickly!

I can have a connection with someone I’ve met online. Some people don’t understand it, but there are some who are that little bit more special to you, you smile when you hear from them, they make you happy, you let them in and then…
…then they hurt you!

I had, or what I thought I had, was an amazing friend. We got on so well, he was great, we clicked immediately, we messaged, spoke on the phone, facetimed and made plans to meet. I was so excited! Then something went wrong and its all gone now!
Tones of messages can not be conveyed in text and sometimes we would both take things the wrong way, but we would manage to sort it out, but something happened this week and things were said and we decided it was all just too hard.
3f426bef14da2ee1b524a8ae9c68bfd3Distance was a huge issue, if we hadn’t been so far apart it would have been different. But distance requires effort and he was a busy person. He also thinks my last message was sent to hurt him and it really wasn’t I was ill and upset, my words were not nasty, just questioning. I didn’t want the world, just wanted to feel like I mattered and he couldn’t do that anymore for whatever reason!
Part of me thinks it was because I gave him my blog address! I really need to stop giving that out to people! I’ve done it alot this week and people can be very judgey!
But as I’ve said before, if I don’t tell people I feel like I’m keeping a huge secret, even though it’s not, it’s no body elses business. I am what I am and I’ve done what I’ve done to be the person I am today.
I’m a good person and so much more than my past. I am fun and happy to be around. I’m not a demanding person by far! I’m quite easy going, I just like to talk alot!

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This is what I need!

Oh well there is nothing I can do about it now. It would have been nice to have met, but there will be another one day. I just don’t know when and feel like I need a break from being hurt.
Maybe I was never meant to split from my ex husband, maybe I was meant to eat myself to death and now I’m going to be alone forever!

It certainly feels like that these days.

I really need to make some decisions very soon! I will have less time to wonder about people who shouldn’t matter in my life and it will finally have some meaning!
How I feel about myself right now is actually quite pathetic!

Soon

H x

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