Got Mmmmmmmmilk?

30 Jan

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On the 10th I have an appointment at Morriston with the psychologist.

I need it

I’ve been losing control so badly. I have no idea what is wrong with me, but I still have huge issues with food.
I knew surgery would never fix them, but I was hoping they would control them and it hasn’t.
No, I can’t eat huge amounts of food, but it is still so damn easy to eat junk food and dumping isn’t really that much of a deterrant if I’m honest.

It’s funny because before surgery I would be like how can they have gone through all that to change their lives then carry on eating and gain weight. But unless you have complete control it can still be something that so easily happens.

But my issues arnt just the food I eat, it’s how I actually deal with it! I think I’m actually quite crazy.
I can go out and buy something, say crisps and chocolate and instead of being like a “normal” person and putting them in the cupboard and enjoying them over a week or two, I start to panic!
Oh god it’s in the house I must eat it all at once, so it’s not here tomorrow! Tomorrow I don’t want to eat it, so lets have it all now and then tomorrow is a new day and I wont do it again, but inevitably I do the same thing tomorrow!
I cannot control how I behave around food. Something doesn’t work correctly somewhere.

So I emailed Nia and asked if it was still possible to see her, to which she said she would pass my email on and I would get an appointment!
So happy about that, maybe it will help, maybe it wont, but it would be nice to know why I’m doing this, apart from the obvious it tastes nice and the time!

I was avoiding the scales and last week I got on them and I have put on two stone since my lowest, for a day! weight 28lbs and that day I didn’t know what to do, so I decided I wasn’t going to eat from there on out until I could control myself!
Got-milk-friends-15278481-380-417So from that moment all I have had was milky coffee with unflavoured protien in it and some vimto and chewing gum!
It’s mental fucking torture! But if I’m not putting food in my mouth then I am not putting the wrong food in.
I know it’s stupid and I know it’s not the right way to go about it, but it’s all I can do right now. I think I am on day seven or eight now and to be honest with you I am actually petrified of eating again.
I am scared to death. I don’t know what I am going to do. I don’t know when to eat again or what I should eat. I know if I eat I wont make the right choices.
FFS why did it have to be food that was my addiction. I can honestly say I wish it was cocaine or alcohol and while I know that is an awful thing to say, you can go completely without them and never have to go near them again, but we all know that isnt possible with food!

FUCK FOOD!

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I was also going to be taking a break from, now lets use this term very losely “dating” but I have in fact gone the opposite way and have met so many people! Sometimes two people a night! Not for sex I might just add before some of you think I’m doing that with two different guys a night!!! Although maybe it would take my mind off food! Maybe that’s where I’m going wrong!
I absolutely do love meeting new people though. It is fun, thats for sure.

There was something else I needed to update here, but for the life of me I cannot think of what it was right now.
The lack of food in my brain and the fact that all I can think of is I have to go to Asda right now to get more milk! :D

Maybe I’ll be back soon if I remember what it was!

Soon ish

H x

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