Archive | January, 2017

Blog so named 

11 Jan

I have been having a quick look at my old posts, my excitement is quite infectious. 

I’m excited about walking, exercising, eating, cooking, surgery, everything! But somewhere alone the line I feel I have lost my spark now, looking at all that and I have a feeling why. 

I think the only thing I can’t put it down to is my medication. It’s meant to be having the opposite effect on me, but I’m realising it’s dragging me completely down. But! What one is it? 

It has to be the pain meds, I was on citalopram long before surgery, so I’m starting to think it has to be that. So do I just give up on them all, I am on quite alot and if it is that that’s allowing me to put on weight, to not feel like me anymore, then I guess I have no choice? 

I want to be the person I was, where I was walking the dogs and enjoying doing things, people ask me what I enjoy doing in my spare time (sadly, that’s all I have!) and I think about it and I actually have nothing! Nothing that I like to do, I was a massive gamer and that’s all gone. Boredom is a huge player for alot of people putting on weight. So I guess along with everything else it could be another factor for me. 

As I said in my previous post, I am lost, completely and utterly. 

I think I mentioned also that I contacted Nia asking to go and speak to a surgeon and I have a date for the middle of March, it says Mr Caplin is who I’m going to see and if I can, I’m some how going to try and get them to do a revision of some kind. Of course being the NHS and UK this is an unlikely scenario, but if I don’t ask, I certainly do not get! But I have a feeling I am just going to get a lecture, but it’s my own fault, for one doing this and two asking to see them again, but I feel like I need it to kick myself up the butt! 

I’m  it writing much with these posts, I’m just trying to get myself back into the habit and enjoyment of posts. So for now this is it again aha

Soon

H x

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Hell…?

9 Jan

.. Or something for quite like it!

I have no idea what is going on in my life right now, but I need to gain some kind of control. So much had gone in since I last wrote and I’m in a world of pain right now. My weight is all over the place along with my life, and I  need to take back control so the first thing I’ve decided to do is write a post.

Writing always kept me in check and it was very cathartic to get everything I needed to say out there in the open and I guess more recently everything has eaten me up and I have eaten everything along with it!

I have forgotten what real food is. Every time I eat I get a watery mouth, or I guess that’s whst they call the foamies, so I’ve stopped eating solid food and just eaten crap. How I am still living I will never know. The medication I am on is making my life hell, it’s making me crave sweet things. I really need to give them up,the meds along with the sweets it’s completely ruining me all over again and I don’t know what to do.

I’ve sent a shameful email to Nia, even though I am out of their care now, she’s going to send for me to see a surgeon and possibly have a barium xray to check on the pouch. It’s funny before surgery you think this is everything, this is going to change your life, and while it can, its still all on you, you can flip it in an instance and go backwards so easily.

I’m so ashamed of myself while not writing and taking these sugar craving meds me and Clare are no longer in touch and she was always a motivation too, we had each other to help each other along the way, to pick each other up when things got hard and encouragement too. It’s funny as before we went on holiday together I had a thought it would either break our friendship or make it stronger, sadly it broke it. It’s sad, but it is what it is. We didn’t have a huge row, just drifted apart. I’ve been on three more holidays had food poisoning in one and been abroad in the last year, it’s all been going on!

But sadly I’ve lost control of myself so this is just a quick post to try and get myself back here and on track!

Hope to see you soon!

H x

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