9 Jan

.. Or something for quite like it!

I have no idea what is going on in my life right now, but I need to gain some kind of control. So much had gone in since I last wrote and I’m in a world of pain right now. My weight is all over the place along with my life, and I  need to take back control so the first thing I’ve decided to do is write a post.

Writing always kept me in check and it was very cathartic to get everything I needed to say out there in the open and I guess more recently everything has eaten me up and I have eaten everything along with it!

I have forgotten what real food is. Every time I eat I get a watery mouth, or I guess that’s whst they call the foamies, so I’ve stopped eating solid food and just eaten crap. How I am still living I will never know. The medication I am on is making my life hell, it’s making me crave sweet things. I really need to give them up,the meds along with the sweets it’s completely ruining me all over again and I don’t know what to do.

I’ve sent a shameful email to Nia, even though I am out of their care now, she’s going to send for me to see a surgeon and possibly have a barium xray to check on the pouch. It’s funny before surgery you think this is everything, this is going to change your life, and while it can, its still all on you, you can flip it in an instance and go backwards so easily.

I’m so ashamed of myself while not writing and taking these sugar craving meds me and Clare are no longer in touch and she was always a motivation too, we had each other to help each other along the way, to pick each other up when things got hard and encouragement too. It’s funny as before we went on holiday together I had a thought it would either break our friendship or make it stronger, sadly it broke it. It’s sad, but it is what it is. We didn’t have a huge row, just drifted apart. I’ve been on three more holidays had food poisoning in one and been abroad in the last year, it’s all been going on!

But sadly I’ve lost control of myself so this is just a quick post to try and get myself back here and on track!

Hope to see you soon!

H x


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