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Being controlled..

2 Jan

..by food, again.

JunkFoodGod it is tough. I have been on an emotional low for a few weeks. I had to go stay at my uncles in Coventry for about a week while he had a right hemi colonectomy for cancer.
It was such a huge emotional toll on me. Not necessarily for the fact of the cancer, but just because I was being relied on so much.
I was responsible for nothing four years ago. Absolutely nothing. My only job was to get myself to the toilet every day!
Now I was living in a city I didn’t know, with my uncle’s wife who I didn’t know and their four-year old son who I didn’t know. I would have had a total melt down four years ago, and while I was close to that now, I couldn’t let it happen.

motivational-sayings-motivational-quotes-for-work-working-hard-and-believe-in-yourself

Especially when that person was YOU!

I had to get Jo-an back and forth to the hospital as she can’t drive, has no family living here, is from the Philippines and they had no one to look after their son while she was at the hospital. So I felt every damn bit of pressure, completely on me. It was hard to say the least. It wasn’t the most straight forward of weeks at all and I felt like I had no one to lean on or help me. I did spend a day crying as I didn’t know what I was doing.

But I made it though! Me the girl who led on her floor crying because I couldn’t put electricity in the meter. Three people relied on me and I got us through it and did a pretty good job of it.

You did good Hayley. Be proud of that!

Its been about two weeks now and I am back home, my uncle is getting better, though we still don’t know if he needs chemotherapy, but should know by the end of this week.

Christmas was pretty shitty!

It was the first one I had alone, while last year I was technically alone, I was still with Matthew, so I didn’t feel completely alone. This was my first holiday alone in twenty years and I felt it.
No one understands how I feel as no one is in my situation, but as usual I carry on as if I don’t care and nothing bothers me, but it does.

Went into the New Year asleep. Couldn’t even be bothered with it.

So now I feel like I want to change. Some how I need to get a job I like this year. One that will keep my mind happy and my hands full so I don’t eat food.
I am fed up of being bored. I am fed up of having nothing to do. I would love to some how have a job that related to surgery but that would never happen over here like it can do for some in America.
Being a Health Care Assistant, would be something I would love, but again, getting into that seems almost impossible and I really don’t want to start out working in something I hate and regret doing it.

So I really need to have a long hard think about what to do and start making changes so I can do it.

I need to quit with the bad food choices too. It makes me feel so ill and I don’t enjoy anything then.
I wish surgery coud have affected the brain too, but sadly it doesn’t. It is and always will be a constant struggle and as long as I know this and vow to always be aware of what I’m doing I shouldn’t put weight back on.
I have accepted that I will not get any smaller without surgery to remove my excess skin and this upsets me, but I really can’t do anything to change that.

I was 448lbs. I have excess skin. Most people are around 300lb with this surgery. I was not. I have all that extra to deal with. I have to accept it.
I did it to myself, that is the price for being so morbidly obese.
I can do so much more I have to be thankful for that and focus on getting a job and getting surgery to remove the skin.
Those are my two main goals for 2016.

I probably need to track food again. Going to stay under 50/60g of carbs a day, but I must track to take accountability and I need to post more.
I notice I am MIA from here when I am doing badly.
Must force myself everyday! Wish there were more people to encourage! Say hi if you’re reading and are not shy! I know there are quite a few of you!
Where in your journey are you? Or are you just reading? Hoping never to get as big as I did and doing it the traditional way?
Would love to hear from more people!

Either way I hope you had a good holiday period and you get all your goals/wishes for 2016 if you set any!

Soon!

H x

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Gym bunny is back!

2 Oct

Went to a class Wednesday, was a little bit worried, but I kept it nice and easy and enjoyed it alot.

Was worried I wouldn’t get back into it, but I did and went again yesterday and just about to go pick my friend up now so we can go again this morning.

Don’t think I need to worry about not wanting to go just yet!

247lbs

247lbs

Especially as yesterday I woke up to this lovely little number yesterday and again this morning.

Happy Hayley!

Soon

H x

Lets NOT eat!

23 Sep

Today was a hard day.

My beautiful niece was six and my brother decided to take her to Kaspas in Cardiff. It’s a dessert restaurant and I wanted to go to celebrate with them all.

But I did not anticipate how hard it was going to be! Everything looked at smelled amazing and they were all eating and I sat there with nothing, but I made it through, I might not have been the most sociable person there, but I got out the other side and didn’t have anything, I’m so good these days at going to a restaurant and just eating nothing, no one questions me. They might if I went in there alone and just sat there though hmm maybe I’ll try it! haha

But I seriously don’t think I will ever put myself through something like that again, it really isnt worth the mental torture.

I’m still going strong with low carbs, obvs, or I would have eaten one or at least some of those delicious desserts that were tempting me. I’m so pleased with myself.

I am getting a little bit unsure over what to eat now, its omelette, cheese, eggs and quorn, it gets a bit boring! I look at Pinterest, but when you have to work out all the macros, it can get a bit tedious.

In other news, I’ve kind of met someone who is really rather quite nice too.
I met him for the first time the other evening and we had a really nice night. I can’t see it going very far, but it’s given me confidence again, which is what I needed after the last disaster!
And I really need to stop worrying about my body, if you meet the right person, none of it matters and they can actually make you feel amazing. Some people just really don’t care about the things you think are a deal breaker!

I did however speak to my doctor the other day about my legs. He said to speak to the surgeon, which I guessed he would. He said the chances of getting it done without paying for it, is slim. I had a feeling that would happen. I obviously will talk to them the next time I go there (if I ever get a letter asking me again!) as it is affecting me, they’re in the way. I don’t want them to look perfect, I want them to not have fat pockets rubbing together getting in the way.

I also decided to get my bloods done on my own and my parathyroid is raised again, having it retested again tomorrow, but I can’t see it changing as it’s been like that since the last time I was tested.

Not completely sure what this means, I think it mean’s I’m lacking calcium, however that is a normal number, so very weird!

Soon

H x

lou-holtz-quote

Week down

21 Sep

Last monday I started low carb properly. I have been in ketosis, well I am assuming I am thanks to Ketostix, but not completely sure!

Oh how true!

Oh how true!

I have kept under 20g of carbs most days, there may have been one or two below 25, but never above for the last week. I think I am still struggling a bit. The scales are not moving at al, which of course discourages you, but I am not going to give up yet. But there is one thing I have given up.. milk! It’s still killing me, but the lovely people at my local Costa are allowing me to bring in unsweetened Soya milk, so I can still kind of have a latte, its not the same as milk, not even close, but it’s better than nothing and I get to go to my fave place still! They are not meant to do 8e3b133044ffd295d37fa042418d8e5bit, but as I’m there all the time and bring everyone, they are allowing me to do it.

What can I say? They love me!

I was hoping to be discharged from the district nurse today, but I forgot I had to go for a diabetic retinopathy screening, so I had to cancel and she should come tomorrow, so fingers crossed I get freedom.

Which means… Gym, I should be able to go back this week and I cannot wait.

It’s been six long weeks of healing and no exercise and I am ready to get sweaty again.

I haven’t really got much to update at the moment, things are pretty quiet with me not being able to do much. I did drive to Liverpool last weekend and had the best slice of pizza I have ever tasted. Thank you Matthew, I waited almost four years and constantly being told how great it was and he was bloody right! I enjoyed every mouthful.

Now how to recreate it keto style! lol

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I need more FAT!!! Less Protein and I’m under on carbs!!! What do I dooooo?!

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