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Emotions Everywhere and I’m Starting to Care!

5 Jun

So so much has happened since I last posted. It’s been surreal.

So I started work the following morning, it was damn hard but I enjoyed it, the things I saw were heartbreaking and very emotional. I watched as Rosie did everything and helped when I could. The next day was my turn to do everything, by our second call I thought I was dying, this lady I was with, was 47, two years ago, she had a tumor removed in her pituitary gland, that night she had a stroke. Her left arm is stuck at a 90 degree angle and her legs are massive with cellulitis and are rock hard, it’s such a sad thing, but after dealing with all that, I was dying! From that moment on I was on a downward spiral all day, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. By the time we got to a call, where I could see the woman didn’t have more than 24h to live, which broke my heart as it reminded me of my nan. I knew I couldn’t carry on, I was sick and dizzy and just not well at all! So I told Rosie I had to go home.
6093a188adddb804794445bb261bf32dI thought about what I was going to do, I knew with all my issues and now with my random sickness I get, I was confused. I really wanted this job, I was desperate for it, but could I actually physically do it?
I waited for my references to come through, and spoke to them about my concerns and they told me that they were going to ease me into it as I hadn’t worked for twenty years, so that made me feel better. I did however have my worries the whole time, but this was something I really wanted to do, so I pushed them aside.Then I got my start date!

I was so excited! They started me off with a lot of breaks in between calls. So I thought I would be okay. Oh how I wrong I was. By the time I had my long break I knew I was in trouble. I rang the office and said I was worried again, but I’d make an appointment with my doctor for the afternoon and speak to them and see what they said. She told me not to do anything as it was my first day, but I was worried, I knew how much pain I was in, she didn’t.
I went to my doctor told her what was happening and she said Hayley, you cannot control your pain when you’re doing nothing?! And you want to do a physical job..  It’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse.

I knew she was right, so I went home and made the phone call to them to say I couldn’t do it and I was distraught. I got home and sobbed and sobbed, I was gutted. I then sent one of the girls in the office a message saying how sorry I was etc etc. And she said to me they had been talking and thought what about if I just did sits. And I thought about it and said yeah I could do that, it’s easy, you sit with someone while their family member goes and does what they need to, mini respite for a few hours. How hard could that be!?

marcel-pariseau-quote-she-cant-deal-with-it-any-moreIt started off okay, then slowly they were putting more on me, there was a couple I was looking after on the weekends, who had dementia, they both had different types. And boy was it hard.
I don’t need to go over all the hard stuff that happened, but the day I realised that I couldn’t do it, was a Sunday I was at this couples house, and I fell asleep at the kitchen table, it was only nodding off, but I knew something wasn’t right, that’s not what I do, I started to be sick, so after a while, I rang and asked if I could go home early, and they told me there was no way I could leave, so I left it a bit longer and then sent a text message to their daughter and asked if I could leave and hour early, she told me she would be down right away.

So I left early and went home and I slept til the Tuesday, turned out I had tonsillitis again for the third time in three months! I was completely wiped out for two whole weeks again. I was so unwell. But that Sunday that I left their home, I knew I couldn’t do this job, if I couldn’t go home to be ill when I needed to, then I couldn’t do the job! It was just killing me.

I was distraught. But what could I do?

So now I’ve learnt my lesson I am not ready for work yet. So I’m going to wait until they force me to go and they can find me a job that I am able to do!

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So of course all this sent me into a downward spiral, I thought I was ready, I thought I was picking my life back up, albeit twenty years later, with arthritis in both hips and my spine and having gone through weight loss service, my stomach and intestines removed, divorced to the husband I thought I would always be with and our twenty year anniversary being in April, I wasn’t coping well at all.cognitive-behavior-therapy-for-depression-in-older-adultsnorthrop-29-728

My food took a hit. I was just eating junk, no real food going in me and I didn’t care. I was starving myself again nutritionally, filling my face with junk like I did when I was 32 stone.

People think it’s easy. Stop eating lose weight. They have no idea it’s a mental issue, not a greed thing. No one can understand unless you have ever been obese. And even then, no one else has any idea of what is going on with you and how you got to be the size you did. There are usually stories for the reasons people gain huge amounts of weight and usually it is not down to just greed alone.  It is so much more complex than that.

6c850e64994c356a69b9dcabb060ddd4But people judge. And boy do they judge obesity. I think I have said it before, but I think the reason get so angry and annoyed at obesity is because it can happen to them, so easily, just one thing changing in their lives can send them into the same spiral that I found myself in twenty years ago. It’s so easy for it to happen. 1lb 7lbs 20lbs it’s so easy to creep up  because of one thing that happens in your life, or it could be a huge life changing thing that happens.  We just don’t know the future and what could happen.
And I think that is why people judge so harshly with obesity. 

So I got to a point where I was starting to feel my clothes getting tighter, I was ignoring it. I didn’t care I wanted junk and only junk! But I knew I was screwing myself over, how could I carry on with what I was doing! I’m going to ruin everything.

So last week I closed my eyes and stepped in the scales! I wanted to hurt myself so much! From my lowest, I was only there for a day, but two and a half stone back on!

Wtf wtf wtf!

Ugh guess what today is the start of.

Pouch reset time.

So the last time I did this, I went almost four weeks without eating I was so petrified of eating again, I couldn’t make myself eat not matter what I did. Even seeing the psychologist didn’t help. The only thing that made me eat again was getting tonsillitis, I think that was my body saying hey missy, eat or I’m going to give you and illness you have never had in your life before because your immune system is so low right now!

Yeah that made me eat again!

And God did I eat again! That was the start of me not stopping which was just intensified when I realised I couldn’t work!

So I started with the five day pouch test and oh dear it started again! I got scared of eating, only kept it kind of under control, day five I managed to force myself to eat a cheese omelette in the evening and today I have made food.  Good real food that my body needs, not junk, I think I needed that to make me think about the fact I actually needed protein and vegetables and all things a good healthy vegetarian needs!

How long it will last is anyone’s guess, but here I am trying and writing on my blog again. It’s always good to write here, I know I’m doing okay when I’m back.

So here I am eating good food, writing and hoping to continue on the good path, though this time next week I shall be on a 90s weekend in Butlins, so I might be on a very strict time limit! Ha

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Soon, with luck!

H x

 

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Work work work! 

1 Apr

So I woke up this morning heart racing, mind going crazy back in half, sciatica making me cry out in pain and I was petrified.
I knew that this was my last morning of waking up as normal.
Tomorrow when I do the exact same thing, I know my whole world is about to change.
To say I am scared is an understatement of epic proportions.
The last time I worked was in April 1996 and I was responsible for pressing ties! Yep those things you wear around your neck to go to your job where you probably sit at a desk, or for funerals, or interviews, usually guys, but hey girls wear them too!

f91cc77e8414cf2976b37f537ae98c18Tomorrow when I wake up and get myself ready and out to my car and drive to where I need to go, I am going to be responsible for humans! Real live people!
My life is about to change beyond all possible recognition.
Anxiety is all I feel right now, I have not felt comfortable since the moment I woke up, of course the pain doesn’t help and I’m thinking how on earth am I meant to look after other people when I’m in this much pain myself!
But in the same breath I also know I don’t want my life to carry on like it is.
I want to do something and I think I get on with people quite well and can take care of them, so in a way it does suit me.
I just hope I come back tomorrow and absolutely love what I have done but also shattered and want my bed! Lol
I’m not going to let my self disbeliefs take me down and stop me doing this.
I AM getting up at half five in the morning, and I WILL get ready for work and I SHALL go meet Rosie and start my work and help the faceless Mary! She is my first call as a support worker/carer! Me? A support worker and carer?!
This is surreal!
This is something I have to do or I am going to end up back at 32 stone again and I don’t want that.
Since being so so ill with the tonsillitis, I’ve eaten like a bitch and I’m not eating correctly now, I’m not getting any proteins or fibre in, my hair and nails are horrific and without even weighing I know I have put on weight and I have the nutritionist on Tuesday! So that’s another thing making me anxious.
So it’s all hopefully going to come together.
I will love my work and I will get control of my weight again, it’s like I’m not able to have a happy medium I either its everything or nothing at all, so with something else to focus on, hopefully everything will get back under control again and I will be OK.
I would definitely like another session with the psychologist again to discuss some things, I know where I’m going wrong, but sometimes it’s nice to have that objective person who wants to see you succeed for no other reason, than she’s being paid to! Lol
So yeah today everything is completely up in the air for me.

a_new_chapter-116151A whole twenty year absolutely appalling bad chapter of my life is coming to an end today and while I want more than anything for it to be gone, it’s also my comfort blanket and I am holding onto it for dear life while also wanting to let it blow off into the wind! And drown in the fucking ocean with the rest of all my bad shit!
It’s such a confusing, scary, anxious, exciting time for me and only tomorrow will I know how I feel.
Once I’ve made that initial getting out there and meeting Rosie I’m pretty sure I will be OK, it’s just that huge giant first leap for me, I’m scared I’m going to fall down into the abyss and no one will hear me scream!
That is the point of the abyss Hayley!

So a few hours have passed since I wrote that earlier sat in Costa with Latte in hand! I’m now at home and in twelve, yes twelve small hours, I’m going to be getting ready and scared senseless! When I got home I had a letter from Morriston asking me to go see the psychologist on Wednesday weirdly! So strange how I had said I wanted to see her earlier today and then it just appears, but I did have to ring up and change it, I can’t do that day as I’m in work til 15:00 and that’s half an hour later, so not feasible at all.

I don’t know how I feel right now, I’m numb and just want it to be this time tomorrow so I know what it was like.
I’m trying to put into words how I feel, but none of what I have written even comes close.
I spoke to my friend this morning and I get this!

Omg tell me I’m doing the right thing! I’m petrified Dan, fucking petrified
It’s a job which is much better than sitting at home everyday!
Thank you! Just what I needed!

f25e00aa39404dd4c885fe3131128a02He’s always a twat to me, but he tells me how it is.
Driving him home Sunday morning I wasn’t sure what we were talking about, but he kept telling me all things come to and end, so I say to him, you’re actually admitting its a good thing then? Because he hates letting me know he needs/wants me and he’s like but all things come to an end! So I ask, do you want this to end then, is that what you’re saying and he says no, that’s not what I’m saying.
He’s awful to me, but I’m addicted to him, so it’s shit!But with this new chapter in my life, I wont think about him as much and he will realise!

Oddly, if you have been following my blog from the start, you remember the guy I was with four years ago, he inexplicably added my sister on Facebook this week, then when she asked why, he said he had moved on etc but wondered how we all were, now this guy is in a relationship, he didn’t even like my sister when we were together and now adding her on Facebook… and he’s moved on?! By definition, that is NOT moving on.
Even if he wanted nothing to do with me, just the mere fact of adding her meant he thought of me.
Very very odd indeed.
Younger guys confuse me, yet I don’t want someone my own age!
I’m in a lonely pickle! lol

Anyway
Here is to all the new chapters, and to the next one that is changing my life for the better.
To being  from the person I was three years ago.

Thank you Roux-en-Y

Soon!

A very scared, anxious and tired H x

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Abso-fucking-lutely!

11 Feb

Well today was the day!
I got out and wasn’t sectioned! hahah

So I took a road trip today, another two hospital road trip with a guy who I have known for four days. More on him later!

Get to Morriston and go in and see Michelle and I explain to her my whole issue with hoarding and eating food, then I come on to my latest problem!
I haven’t eaten for 17 or 18 days now with the exception of Milk, protein powder, gum and now… wait for it!
RUSKS_VMIC_ORIGINALFarleys Rusks.
Yes those crunchy big biscuits for babies! How they hell they got into this no eating thing, I have no idea, but there we have it. Farleys Rusks, Hayleys food of choice!
After spending a very long hour, in which we discussed an awful lot including my marriage which made me cry when I realised how awful I had been to my ex husband, I had known this for a while, but speaking out loud, saying to someone that I would call him downstairs to get me another can of Pepsi Max from the kitchen which was probably twenty steps away, really upset me, if I had stayed being this me, the one who I was when we met, the one who I am again now after surgery, where could we have been, what could have happened to our lives if I had been normal! Who does that kind of thing. It was so selfish, everything was my way, he got a say in nothing and he always went along with it, no question because he loved me.
I think the relationship he is in now, might actually be the other way around and he is the more dominant one. I wish I had let us be equal and didn’t expect him to go out to work and provide for me and me do nothing, then when he came home, expected him to do everything else for me!
And I can’t even tell him how sorry I am.ab69b3f0b346ebfb002eccb61b2877a9
I’m not sure which is harder to deal with, knowing I destroyed our relationship and THEN ended it or not being able to say sorry for being the person I was and while being in control of him, I was in no way in control of myself!

It’s very hard to take now. But I have to move on.

So I’m thinking I have an issue with eating and she seems to think it’s not eating I have a problem with, I have gone weeks without eating proper food, I have gone up and down the sweet/crisp aisle dozens of times and I have not been affected by any of it, I do not want it. Which is always the case, even when I’m buying it, I stand there and wonder, what do I want, nothing in particular and also everything I can see, so I look and look and finally settle on something I think I might want!
quote-Jim-Evans-another-way-to-lose-control-is-to-83304So then I take that home and I feel the need to eat it all at once, or give it to my brother, because firstly there is guilt there because I bought it and secondly I didn’t want it anyway so I need to find a way to get it out of my house and the most obvious answer is to eat the damn stuff as fast as possible!
My problem is actually a fear of losing control of shopping.

How weird, yet it makes absolute sense.
I can go shopping and buy food and eat it perfectly fine when I am buying the right food for me, but I am actually petrified of being in the supermarket and losing control and buying the stuff I don’t actually want, then the whole cycle begins! Because that is the point I lose control, I can’t lose control when I’m sat at home thinking about it, as there is nothing in my house I can eat that will make me feel like that.
Food isn’t my problem (not in this case! clearly it has been!) but I am scared of losing control shopping!
So we came up with some ideas for me to counteract it and be back in control.
And I feel a whole lot better about the situation.
I may not be perfect straight away, but I will get there again and it’s made me feel so so so much better knowing I am not losing control of eating, I’m not eating so how can I be, I didn’t realise I actually have that under control! It’s a fear of shopping and losing control while I am there and there are so many ways I can prevent that now I feel alot better about the whole situation!
It’s funny as I wasn’t really expecting her to be able to help me that much and yet she really has. I guess these people have this job for a reason!

77d3bd7f9b0ff3c42254785b23a3726e

Much more like it!

Last week I think I met three people three nights running and every single one of them told me I look so much prettier in real life than on my photos! It is still so hard for me to accept! I find it hard enough when people tell me I look pretty on my pics, i’m like wtf they looking at?! But then to be told it to my face is unreal and I still feel uncomfortable with it. I guess being a big fat blob for so long it will never feel any different.
However I cannot say it is not nice when I do hear it from someone!

The third person I met was only a last minute thing, someone cancelled on me and there was a guy I was talking to who lived close to me so I asked if he fancied going for a drive. He had said to me he was after nothing, so I thought why not!
I went and picked him and and we decided to go to the local services for a drink and I hadn’t shut up from the moment I picked him up!
When we got out of the car, something came to my mind so I said to him are you gay or bi, I have no idea why this even came to me, but he said yeah bi, I thought it was on my profile? I said I didn’t notice, which I hadn’t.
We sat there drinking and chatting for quite a while and we spoke about everything, nothing was off limits! And I was actually sad when I had to take him home. Next day I asked if he wanted to come for cuddles and a film and he said he would after work, this was all I wanted as I wasn’t sure how I felt about him being bisexual, so he turned up after work and I put a film on, but had to pause it as again we didn’t stop talking! A few hours later I said shall we go up to bed as my brother will be back soon and I knew he didn’t want to meet anyone yet, so we went upstairs and had a cuddle, movie on pause again and I looked up at him and I could see in his eyes he was desperate to kiss me! So I did.
Wow it was amazing and we did that for quite a while things progressed and stuff happens, but we didn’t have sex.

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Yeah defo!! <3

I had an amazing night, but on the way home I said to him, I really really don’t think you are actually in to women, and I explained my reasons for coming to this conclusion to him and he said to me he had never thought about it like that, but when I pointed it out to him it made perfect sense and he really needed to have a think about what he actually wanted!
The next day he told me he had come off all the dating apps as he needed to figure out what was going on and again he thanked me for making him look at things. He had never been in a relationship with a man, and he had been in a 17 month on off relationship with a girl.
But something just felt right with this guy, we have connected on such a level and we think each other are amazing, but we know thats it, we know we have a friendship for life and we will be very close! But then later that evening he messaged me and wasn’t quite sure how to put it, but the on/off ex had messaged him to tell him a one night stand she had told her he had chlamydia, she had told him there was no one else and they didn’t need to use condoms he was distraught in having to tell me and for himself, in finding out she had lied to him! But after my reaction he said I don’t even know why I worried as I forgot you are frigging awesome! So I said I would go to the clinic in the morning and did he want to come with, so he did and I told him to get everything done, including bloods. The chances of anything for me are extremely slim, I’m not worried we hardly touched. But I prefer being smart about sexual health!

So then we started our road trip to Swansea, normally I have to have the radio on loud, but yet again, talking was just too much, didn’t even listen to one song and we spoke the whole way there and back, I have no idea what we have left to talk about, but it seems like we have everything and nothing all at once and we just seem to make total sense with each other.

These words have so much meaning to me!

These words have so much meaning to me!

If I could bend him poker straight he would be my ideal guy. I abso-fucking-lutely love him!

He makes me so happy!

Valentines day is ours!

Oh I have also found one of the beautiful boys from butlins on one of these apps! AND he replied to my message!! :D

Soon

H x

Got Mmmmmmmmilk?

30 Jan

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On the 10th I have an appointment at Morriston with the psychologist.

I need it

I’ve been losing control so badly. I have no idea what is wrong with me, but I still have huge issues with food.
I knew surgery would never fix them, but I was hoping they would control them and it hasn’t.
No, I can’t eat huge amounts of food, but it is still so damn easy to eat junk food and dumping isn’t really that much of a deterrant if I’m honest.

It’s funny because before surgery I would be like how can they have gone through all that to change their lives then carry on eating and gain weight. But unless you have complete control it can still be something that so easily happens.

But my issues arnt just the food I eat, it’s how I actually deal with it! I think I’m actually quite crazy.
I can go out and buy something, say crisps and chocolate and instead of being like a “normal” person and putting them in the cupboard and enjoying them over a week or two, I start to panic!
Oh god it’s in the house I must eat it all at once, so it’s not here tomorrow! Tomorrow I don’t want to eat it, so lets have it all now and then tomorrow is a new day and I wont do it again, but inevitably I do the same thing tomorrow!
I cannot control how I behave around food. Something doesn’t work correctly somewhere.

So I emailed Nia and asked if it was still possible to see her, to which she said she would pass my email on and I would get an appointment!
So happy about that, maybe it will help, maybe it wont, but it would be nice to know why I’m doing this, apart from the obvious it tastes nice and the time!

I was avoiding the scales and last week I got on them and I have put on two stone since my lowest, for a day! weight 28lbs and that day I didn’t know what to do, so I decided I wasn’t going to eat from there on out until I could control myself!
Got-milk-friends-15278481-380-417So from that moment all I have had was milky coffee with unflavoured protien in it and some vimto and chewing gum!
It’s mental fucking torture! But if I’m not putting food in my mouth then I am not putting the wrong food in.
I know it’s stupid and I know it’s not the right way to go about it, but it’s all I can do right now. I think I am on day seven or eight now and to be honest with you I am actually petrified of eating again.
I am scared to death. I don’t know what I am going to do. I don’t know when to eat again or what I should eat. I know if I eat I wont make the right choices.
FFS why did it have to be food that was my addiction. I can honestly say I wish it was cocaine or alcohol and while I know that is an awful thing to say, you can go completely without them and never have to go near them again, but we all know that isnt possible with food!

FUCK FOOD!

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I was also going to be taking a break from, now lets use this term very losely “dating” but I have in fact gone the opposite way and have met so many people! Sometimes two people a night! Not for sex I might just add before some of you think I’m doing that with two different guys a night!!! Although maybe it would take my mind off food! Maybe that’s where I’m going wrong!
I absolutely do love meeting new people though. It is fun, thats for sure.

There was something else I needed to update here, but for the life of me I cannot think of what it was right now.
The lack of food in my brain and the fact that all I can think of is I have to go to Asda right now to get more milk! :D

Maybe I’ll be back soon if I remember what it was!

Soon ish

H x

Quandary!

7 Jan

I’m in a bit of a pickle!

I am so so so so bored!

I think I’ve said this before, but knowing what to do is very hard.
I desperately want a job, to make my own money, to meet new people, to enjoy getting up every day and having something to do!
But!
I have worked out if I do that, I will be so much worse off!
So what do I do?
I really want to be a Health Care Assistant, but it is extremely hard to get into that line of worked. I have done so much research and I either have to be really lucky in finding a position that would even take me on to begin with as I have no experience and haven’t worked in such a long time or get another job at the NHS and apply internally for it, which seems so unlikely as why would they employ me?!

Another option I have is to go and work for my mum at Sainsburys, it’s a guaranteed job, very, very easy work, I will be finished by 10:00 am, but the wage is awful and do I really want to go to work everyday to a job I’m not bothered about for less money than I’m going to get if I just stay at home and be incredibly bored, slowly going insane and want to cry!?
Is there really any point in that at all?
Yes, I’ll be doing something and feel good about earning my own, which I haven’t done since I got married! So is that in itself worth it?
I just don’t know?

Enjoy work

This is what I need!

My last option is to become a carer, which is sort of a similar thing to the HCA, just going to homes, I think that bit scares me. I’ll have a car and it will be extremely hard work, and it does feel like my better option, but I will admit the idea of changing my life so much is petrifying, but I know I also want to and have to do it!
I just don’t know how!
Or do I just wait until they force me to do it?! It is so hard to make a decision!
I really don’t want to be doing nothing for much longer, I seriously cannot take it!
Some people think its a great idea, but until you are doing it and your brain has turned to mush and you can’t earn any extra money they really have no idea how utterly depressing it is not to work. Not even including the bad way I got myself into this situation.
Being obese is not fun!
Some days I regret every single moment from the second I met my ex husband, oh how my life would have been different if it wasn’t for that, or if we had made different decisions together. While I realise I made my own choices, he was a big influence in how shitty everything has turned out!

How do I make a decision!?

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I adore Rachel! Though I think she is talking about me!

I want to feel better about myself and I really think this is the next step for me, but it feels freaking huge right now! Like a leap I just might not make! and fall flat on my face!!

Sometimes I shouldn’t be allowed to make my own decisions! I’m not responsible enough!

I also think I’m so done with the whole “dating” thing for a bit!
It’s too hard.
d40375de9794130101d8085315bc0b3c
I love talking to people! I love getting to know someone, as I’ve said before I’m a very open person and I don’t keep much a secret, but I think I let people in too quickly!

I can have a connection with someone I’ve met online. Some people don’t understand it, but there are some who are that little bit more special to you, you smile when you hear from them, they make you happy, you let them in and then…
…then they hurt you!

I had, or what I thought I had, was an amazing friend. We got on so well, he was great, we clicked immediately, we messaged, spoke on the phone, facetimed and made plans to meet. I was so excited! Then something went wrong and its all gone now!
Tones of messages can not be conveyed in text and sometimes we would both take things the wrong way, but we would manage to sort it out, but something happened this week and things were said and we decided it was all just too hard.
3f426bef14da2ee1b524a8ae9c68bfd3Distance was a huge issue, if we hadn’t been so far apart it would have been different. But distance requires effort and he was a busy person. He also thinks my last message was sent to hurt him and it really wasn’t I was ill and upset, my words were not nasty, just questioning. I didn’t want the world, just wanted to feel like I mattered and he couldn’t do that anymore for whatever reason!
Part of me thinks it was because I gave him my blog address! I really need to stop giving that out to people! I’ve done it alot this week and people can be very judgey!
But as I’ve said before, if I don’t tell people I feel like I’m keeping a huge secret, even though it’s not, it’s no body elses business. I am what I am and I’ve done what I’ve done to be the person I am today.
I’m a good person and so much more than my past. I am fun and happy to be around. I’m not a demanding person by far! I’m quite easy going, I just like to talk alot!

fd5107b16afc3c8cc723566c48c01815

This is what I need!

Oh well there is nothing I can do about it now. It would have been nice to have met, but there will be another one day. I just don’t know when and feel like I need a break from being hurt.
Maybe I was never meant to split from my ex husband, maybe I was meant to eat myself to death and now I’m going to be alone forever!

It certainly feels like that these days.

I really need to make some decisions very soon! I will have less time to wonder about people who shouldn’t matter in my life and it will finally have some meaning!
How I feel about myself right now is actually quite pathetic!

Soon

H x

Being controlled..

2 Jan

..by food, again.

JunkFoodGod it is tough. I have been on an emotional low for a few weeks. I had to go stay at my uncles in Coventry for about a week while he had a right hemi colonectomy for cancer.
It was such a huge emotional toll on me. Not necessarily for the fact of the cancer, but just because I was being relied on so much.
I was responsible for nothing four years ago. Absolutely nothing. My only job was to get myself to the toilet every day!
Now I was living in a city I didn’t know, with my uncle’s wife who I didn’t know and their four-year old son who I didn’t know. I would have had a total melt down four years ago, and while I was close to that now, I couldn’t let it happen.

motivational-sayings-motivational-quotes-for-work-working-hard-and-believe-in-yourself

Especially when that person was YOU!

I had to get Jo-an back and forth to the hospital as she can’t drive, has no family living here, is from the Philippines and they had no one to look after their son while she was at the hospital. So I felt every damn bit of pressure, completely on me. It was hard to say the least. It wasn’t the most straight forward of weeks at all and I felt like I had no one to lean on or help me. I did spend a day crying as I didn’t know what I was doing.

But I made it though! Me the girl who led on her floor crying because I couldn’t put electricity in the meter. Three people relied on me and I got us through it and did a pretty good job of it.

You did good Hayley. Be proud of that!

Its been about two weeks now and I am back home, my uncle is getting better, though we still don’t know if he needs chemotherapy, but should know by the end of this week.

Christmas was pretty shitty!

It was the first one I had alone, while last year I was technically alone, I was still with Matthew, so I didn’t feel completely alone. This was my first holiday alone in twenty years and I felt it.
No one understands how I feel as no one is in my situation, but as usual I carry on as if I don’t care and nothing bothers me, but it does.

Went into the New Year asleep. Couldn’t even be bothered with it.

So now I feel like I want to change. Some how I need to get a job I like this year. One that will keep my mind happy and my hands full so I don’t eat food.
I am fed up of being bored. I am fed up of having nothing to do. I would love to some how have a job that related to surgery but that would never happen over here like it can do for some in America.
Being a Health Care Assistant, would be something I would love, but again, getting into that seems almost impossible and I really don’t want to start out working in something I hate and regret doing it.

So I really need to have a long hard think about what to do and start making changes so I can do it.

I need to quit with the bad food choices too. It makes me feel so ill and I don’t enjoy anything then.
I wish surgery coud have affected the brain too, but sadly it doesn’t. It is and always will be a constant struggle and as long as I know this and vow to always be aware of what I’m doing I shouldn’t put weight back on.
I have accepted that I will not get any smaller without surgery to remove my excess skin and this upsets me, but I really can’t do anything to change that.

I was 448lbs. I have excess skin. Most people are around 300lb with this surgery. I was not. I have all that extra to deal with. I have to accept it.
I did it to myself, that is the price for being so morbidly obese.
I can do so much more I have to be thankful for that and focus on getting a job and getting surgery to remove the skin.
Those are my two main goals for 2016.

I probably need to track food again. Going to stay under 50/60g of carbs a day, but I must track to take accountability and I need to post more.
I notice I am MIA from here when I am doing badly.
Must force myself everyday! Wish there were more people to encourage! Say hi if you’re reading and are not shy! I know there are quite a few of you!
Where in your journey are you? Or are you just reading? Hoping never to get as big as I did and doing it the traditional way?
Would love to hear from more people!

Either way I hope you had a good holiday period and you get all your goals/wishes for 2016 if you set any!

Soon!

H x

196d3bbd14d561b72c15ae7c2ce88295

3 Nov

I was on my way to the gym one day last week.

It was cold outside, cloudy and windy. As I was driving down Llantarnam Road I noticed how the orange leaves were blowing off the trees, they were falling down and slowly drifing sideways into the road. It looked so pretty and in that moment I was overwhelmed. I started crying and I couldn’t stop.

I was thinking about all the time I was sat in my bed, wishing I was outside, feeling the cold and the rain on my face. Getting rosy cheeks from the bitterness, being wrapped up in a hat, scarf, gloves and coat. Wearing wellies and enjoying this time of year. How I wanted that and missed it so much.

And here I was, able to do that now, I’m out living my life, doing whatever I want, going wherever I want, no one to tell me no, no one to answer to. I am just free to be me and enjoying everything I couldn’t before.

I felt awful and wonderful all at once. So sad that I had wasted so much of my life being controlled by that fat.

Being so much less than human.

Not living.

Get-Ready-for-Fireplaces-Changing-Leaves-and-Chilly-Nights-With-These-27-Fall-Quotes-14It feels wonderful to be the opposite of that now. To feel everything and not care about what anyone else thinks, because they don’t matter. I don’t have to lock myself away in my bedroom because I am ashamed to let people see me.

They can see me and all my excess skin and I just don’t care, because I can go stand under the leaves, falling, in my hat and scarf and gloves and enjoy every single second of it.

And it is fucking amazing!

I lasted about two months on keto.

d8d25c7c2ecf1211094005c6121cb11eThe weight hardly moved and while I loved how it made me feel, hormones got the better of me! I had a bread roll with my Harvester salad on the Wednesday that I went to my year check up. On the Friday me and Clare met up and oh boy, was that a slippery descent into carb hell! We should not have been allowed to be together when we were both hormonal, eaten small amounts of carbs (she ate mince pies!!!!) and went to Cardiff where there was beautiful onion rings and Jalapeno jelly!! Wow, it was not a good combination, but we enjoyed it! lol

10553545_440917769396391_4946594825099486869_n1I am just eating more normally now, yet somehow I woke up this morning at 17st 4lbs. My body does not make sense to anyone. Not even to itself! I’ll just stay low carb, but not crazy low carby keto! I want to enjoy myself too.

As of today I am back on the morphine. Hoping this wont affect the weight though. Time will tell. I must remember to take my macrogol with this though! I really don’t want to end up like I did in hospital! Never ever ever again do I want that!

So I have 23 days until I am 39 and I have now officially hit old!
My whole family wears glasses, all my siblings have worn them from when they were young children. Both parents have had them when they got older.
The weirdest thing happened to me on the weekend! I went to bed completely fine on Saturday night. I could see perfectly had no problem whatsoever! I wake up Sunday and notice my vision is blurry. Close up is fine, I can message people on my phone, but looking at something across the room is odd. Something is wrong
As the day goes on I figure out its my left eye. Everything is going through my mind and I’m starting to panic a bit. Hoping going to sleep will help and it doesn’t, so I get an appointment for opticians and explain whats happened.

Turns out… over night I have become short-sighted! Like what the hell?! How did that even happen.
They think it might have been going on a while and I just didn’t notice. I guess with having to focus more when driving my eye just gave up!

My right is 0.25 and my left is 1.00 so there is a bit of a difference. I hate being odd so this is making me crazy.

I chose two pairs of glasses I looked like an idiot in all of them. I don’t even wear sunglasses I think I look so stupid! I have only worn them since I started driving as I really have no choice, so now I have to wear them for driving and watching tv it kind of sucks. I really don’t like having anything on my face!
I have a trial of contacts, but its a bit hard, I will persevere though. A family friend asked if I could see better now, I said no! I see just the same as I did Saturday night, just £150 poorer now!

I am not happy!

Look how stupid I look!

Stupid! Stuipd! Stupid!

Stupid! Stuipd! Stupid!

Soon

H x

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