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Is This My Life? Actually For Reals?!

22 Mar

My life?
My life?
Wow I don’t even recognise it at the moment.

It’s been over a month since my last post.
Today would have been my nans 89th birthday, but sadly she has been gone four years. I miss her alot.

The week after my psychology appointment, I started to introduce some food, I was still finding it hard, then that Sunday, something hit me, I could not get out of bed, There was something wrong with me, I was in and out of sleep all day, when I did manage to get out of bed the only place I got to was the bath, where I was also falling asleep, it was horrific, during my lucid moments rolling around in bed, all that was going through my mind was Lori and Maggie from The Walking Dead, I thought I was going insane! The next day I managed to wake up but I had a sore throat by the Tuesday I realised I had tonsillitis and I was quite poorly!
So so poorly, my tonsils were huge and had massive white blobs on them and for someone who had never in her life experienced this it was awful. Everything was depressing, even down to the tv, I watched a film about J K Rowling, which was really quite interesting but now when I think about it, it fills me with dread as it reminds me of that whole time.
But I know the reason and only reason I got that illness was down to the fact I did not give my body any nutrition. How stupid.
I have no words to explain what was going through my mind.
I desperately needed food in my body, it was crying out for me to give it nutrition. And my god did I give myself food then.

Hunger kicked in and showed me who was boss. And it sure as shit wasn’t me!

Cuddle Right NowAt the end of that week I was in so much need of a cuddle I travelled all the way to Taunton just to get one, from someone I’m sadly beginning to care too much about and I so need to keep my distance, its bloody hard, but the drive was totally worth it at the end of what I had been through just to see my friend. I needed him.We Should Cuddle

For the next four weekends I saw him, and this is where the problem started. It was never meant to be  more than sex, but I think we both started to care, but knew it wasn’t going anywhere, so we are all in a shit load of confusion, me even more so, emotional things are not my forte! Not even slightly, I am so over emotional, so I don’t know where I am.

I know we need to stop seeing each other so much, but my god it is hard!

I decided to have another blood test, I like to keep on top of it all, but again my parathyroid levels came back high, but calcium levels normal, same as the last two times. So I thought I would do some investigating myself by asking the WLSInfo community, they know so much as a group as they are the ones living with it all.
So the information I get back is that basically my body is leaching calcium from my bones, which of course is going to eventually cause me a whole heap of problems, least of all brittle bones! I do not want that! Not even slightly.
So I was told to ask to change to a different calcium with a separate D3.

So below is the email I sent Nia, along with what I said to the community and what I was told.

Hi Nia,

I got my bloods done at my doctors and again for PTH levels are high, this is the third time it’s happened, so I thought I would get some advice from the WLSInfo community, not sure if you can see attachments, so I will copy what was said. I had alot of replies, but one in particular seemed to have some good knowledge of it.
So I am wondering if its possible to get changed over to the calcium citrate, a seperate D3 and magnesium citrate and k2, I’m really worried about the long term affects of what this could be having on me and really want to give this a try and see if it sorts out my levels?
I don’t want to keep having to worry about it and if its something as simple as changing over some vitamins I was hoping you could write to my doctor to ask for it to be put on my repeat and see how my next bloods are!
Thank you so much!
Hayley xx

Hey guys, I need help again, I’m pretty sure I’ve asked about this before, but yet again I have high PTH levels and when I look into it all I can find is about tumours, which obviously I don’t have. I take my calcichew religiously, sometimes I have more as I like the flavour! But what is the long term affects this is going to have?
I am constantly tired at the moment, I went to bed at 2pm yesterday and didn’t get up til half ten this morning, but I don’t think that’s anything to do with that? I am getting over a pretty bad tonsillitis, so hoping it’s just the after affects of that!
Thanks for any help.

  •  Calcichew is calcium carbonate, which needs a high acidity to absorb properly. Really, WLSers need to have calcium citrate (which many GPs won’t prescribe, unfortunately). I’d recommend taking a calcium citrate, as well as a separate D3 (make sure it’s a dry one and not suspended in oil) as well magnesium citrate and K2. If your PTH is high, and your calcium level is ok, it means that the calcium is being leached from your bones, which is clearly not good. You may have to get it all yourself as a lot of GPs wont prescribe.

So that was what I sent to her, expecting to have to fight to get to change everything over and this is what she sent back to me!

Hi Hayley,

 Interestingly we’re in the process of reviewing our recommendations following the National Bariatric Surgery meeting and this was one of the subjects raised.

We plan to advise that the prescription below is what all GP’s follow for patients after a gastric bypass;

Nutritional supplements (routine) following a Gastric Bypass


Proton Pump inhibitor (maintain dosage as on hospital discharge)

Forceval vitamins, 2 capsules daily

Ferrous Fumarate, 210mg, one tablet, once daily or twice daily for menstruating women

Calcit   (calcium carbonate 1.25 g, providing calcium citrate when dispersed in water), two tablets, twice daily

Alphacalcidol 500 nanograms, once daily

Vitamin B12 injection, 6 monthly

So weirdly they have been discussing this and realising that for some people , the calcium is not being absorbed/used correctly, I have no idea what is going on to be fair, I just know I’m not right and need help!
Nothing new there then!
So I went to my doctor to tell them everything that needed to be done went through it all, highlighted all the bits and read through it all again on my sheet, he had his own letter too. All good.
But when I went and got my meds, I had calcichew again, but the other one without the D3, this didn’t seem right to me, so this morning I rang Nia again and she said no, it has to be the calcit, so back I go again, but spoke to a receptionist at the doctors, she is someone who isn’t usually there, but, we couldn’t find calcit at all, we found an effervescent one that looked correct, so she did that one but obviously I had to wait for it to be signed. So I went back to chemist to ask them to get it in and again, she couldn’t find it on the system, got out the book and the only one she could find was cacit! So I said Nia might have made a spelling mistake as she has done many times and I rang her, so she said she would get it out and have a look at it was right! She had made a mistake, but she had used my letter, as I am the only one she sent it out to yet as I am the one with the issues and copy and pasted it to every patients doctor! So she thanked me and the pharmacist to catch her mistake before she sent out all those letters! lol
So by 18:30 I should have all the correct meds! My gosh its been hard work!

Which leads me nicely onto my news!

Dont be AfraidFor a long time I’ve wanted to go to work. I’ve said it before, but I’m petrified of it, standing completely on my own two feet, responsible for me, no one to rely on.
From the age of 19 I had Antony, he was my everything, and did everything for me and he was happy to provide me with everything I needed; money, food, love, support, but I never remember any encouragement, pushing me, hell even asking me to do something that was slightly out of my comfort zone to try and help us, but slowly without even noticing it our relationship changed, I changed, I was happy doing nothing and letting him do everything for me and he was happy doing it, it meant things never changed and that’s the way he liked it. Becoming my carer was inevitable!
And now I’m turning the tables.

I may not be 100% physically fit, but mentally I am there, my mind wants this, my mind needs this. I have done something that is so easy an normal for everyone else, but for me? This is the most difficult thing I have done.

I am working.
Yep, me Hayley, who didn’t get out of her bed unless she needed the bathroom,, didn’t even want to go downstairs it was that bad, Didn’t step foot out of the front door for over three damn years!
Yes, I am working!.. working!.. working!

I never thought I would change or ever work or ever even want to work!

This last week I don’t know who I am.

I made this choice, me, no one else, I’m doing this because it is MY decision. Mine! I have made this.

I am going to be providing for myself  for the first time in twenty years.Stand
I am shocked, I feel completely different I don’t know who I am, but I am loving it.

Obviously this has been going through my mind for a long time.
Ever since I was in hospital and saw the Health Care Assistants, it’s something I desperately want to do. The job they do the care the provide, is amazing.
I have looked into it, but it has been so hard to do, there are no courses or anything, you just have to get lucky!

My brothers girlfriend is a senior nurse at our local hospital and shes told me that she would help me get into the nurse bank when a position comes up in April. But I was sat in Costa last Monday and I thought I don’t want this any more, I need something else, this isn’t living. I spoke to Sian one of the girls that works there and she said just go for it Hayley, you can get on with anyone, you are amazing and friendly and you can do whatever you want.
So I came home, found the email I had last year from the care company I was going to go for an interview with and asked Ceri if I could come in again for an interview and she asked me come in the next day. So that is what I did!
I was so scared all night, and in the morning I didn’t know if I was able to go in! I was so ill, but I made I made it there, and the interview went well, it was really my first one, as I didn’t really have an interview for the job I had all those years ago.

I wasn’t sure I was getting the job, but indeed I did! I was told if she could get me on training for Monday she would, but she emailed me to say that there were no spaces, I was gutted I wanted it to get started!
At half nine on Friday evening I looked at my email and there was one there from her saying there was a space! Oh I was frantic, how would I let her know I wanted to do it, so stalker Hayley found her on Facebook and messaged her. I was so happy, she sent me all the info on where to go and times.
So I was set!
Monday came and I got up before the alarm went off. I was scared and excited, I didn’t know what to expect, but I knew I wanted it!
I thought I was going to end up making myself ill before I went, I didn’t leave the bathroom, lucky I had already made my laptop lunchbox the night before, so I was all ready to go.
I set off for Abergavenny and the journey was quite easy, no traffic queues or anything I didn’t get lost. I found the sign just off te roundabout and pulled in to the teeny tiny car park. There were a few spaces left and it was just after 9am, so thought I would sit there and wait.
Quarter past nine I think I should probably go in and be nice and early!
So much for that. I sign in, walk through the building out the back to the training room and its pretty much full.
Oh crap!
I look at a girl and say do we just sit, as I wasn’t sure if I needed to speak to someone first, she said yes, so I sat down on the table closest to the door, next to a guy and a girl.
Then I realise that there are five to each table, two more can fit on mine, oh we are cramped!
A girl called Megan sat between me and Colin, Nerys was next to him then Amanda was on the end.
There were five tables so twenty of us in total, and Carole the trainer.
I had an amazing few days, I was surprised at how involved I was how, I spoke up, I recounted stories had questions and was really quite engaging.
I had the Wednesday off as the manual handling had to be split in two as she wouldn’t be able to fit us all in that training room. So I went back on the Thursday and had a great day. Manual handling put my mind at ease. It was alot of fun and me and a guy called Scott worked so well together, I told him I wished we were working in the same area we would need no more training, we could go out on our own and be perfect together! No more taining required!
That would have been nice, but Alas, not to be!
It’s funny the difference in  my attitude from Monday to Thursday. After Training Monday, I was scared, asking myself if I was doing the right thing, could I do it did I want to, was I ready. Did I even want to?
I was making myself go to work when I didn’t actually have to yet. I wasn’t being forced yet. So was this stupid?
I thought I would do the training anyway, it wouldn’t hurt.
Monday was all about abuse, it was awful and very sad, even something as simple as this;
You go see a service use and you know they love porridage, they will lick their bowl clean and ask for more, but this week they have been asking for jam on toast, so you make them jam on toast, but when you go back you see they have had one bite and nothing else, they have not eaten anything else all morning!
This goes on for a few days, so you know they love porridage, so instead of asking them what they want you give them the porridage, they lick the bowl clean and want more!
You’ve done good you’ve provided them with food and they wont go hungry and they loved it, they asked for seconds again!
However, you have now abused them!
The reason being?
You took away their choice, every service user has a choice and you should  never ever remove that from someone, even if what they are doing in wrong!
What you should have done in that case, was give her the jam on toast, but also followed it up with the porridage, then she had the choice right there in front of her, she could have had the one bit of toast and then the porridage was there if she was still hungy!
Perfect solution.

After lunch we did medication.
Need to know the difference between verbal and administering medication.
So much stuff!
Tuesday we learned about manual handling.
Thursday was manual handling practical, there was only six of us and it was great, I loved every moment of it, I loved learning all the different equipment, how we move o demonstrate oureveryone and we had to demonstrate as carers and be service uers oursevles, the aount of trust they have to put into people, theo ty and able ty initially don’t know. Complete strangers to them. It is very scary. So this is why keeping to the same careres is a very good idea, so you get to know your service user and get to know and completely trust you. Feeling safe and comfortable is a must in this world.
Also being chatty and being able to talk to people is a bonus in this job, to keep someone calm, to make them feel safe with you.
I think I can do that.
By the end of Thursday I wanted this so so much.
I started this post on the 16th March today is the 21st.
I went to the office this morning, to sort out my paper work, bank details etc. Sorted out my business insurance for my car and ordered my uniform.
All I am waiting for is my DBS to come back now, then I’m off out shadowing.
Excitement is an understatement.

So my life now feels like its not mine!
Who is this person.
I am a woman who can walk and work and drive and can now stand on my own two feet.

Four years ago I let my husband walk out the door without a fight.
I led on my floor crying because I couldn’t put electricity into my metre, hell I couldn’t even get off the floor!
Life was bad.
Believe in MeLife? That wasn’t life, I don’t even know if I was existing, I was just wasting space.
Now, I am going to be making a difference in soingsmeones life, while it may not be huge in the grand scheme of things, to them if I wasn’t there they would be in hosptial or a home. So I will be making a difference to someones life and to me, that is something amazing.

Sorry if this is a huge post, I can’t tell it looks its on my new netbook, but don’t know how much it is to read!

So yeah, this has been my life the last few weeks, stuff has chage emensly and I don’t know if I will like it, but so far so good!


H x



11 Feb

Well today was the day!
I got out and wasn’t sectioned! hahah

So I took a road trip today, another two hospital road trip with a guy who I have known for four days. More on him later!

Get to Morriston and go in and see Michelle and I explain to her my whole issue with hoarding and eating food, then I come on to my latest problem!
I haven’t eaten for 17 or 18 days now with the exception of Milk, protein powder, gum and now… wait for it!
Yes those crunchy big biscuits for babies! How they hell they got into this no eating thing, I have no idea, but there we have it. Farleys Rusks, Hayleys food of choice!
After spending a very long hour, in which we discussed an awful lot including my marriage which made me cry when I realised how awful I had been to my ex husband, I had known this for a while, but speaking out loud, saying to someone that I would call him downstairs to get me another can of Pepsi Max from the kitchen which was probably twenty steps away, really upset me, if I had stayed being this me, the one who I was when we met, the one who I am again now after surgery, where could we have been, what could have happened to our lives if I had been normal! Who does that kind of thing. It was so selfish, everything was my way, he got a say in nothing and he always went along with it, no question because he loved me.
I think the relationship he is in now, might actually be the other way around and he is the more dominant one. I wish I had let us be equal and didn’t expect him to go out to work and provide for me and me do nothing, then when he came home, expected him to do everything else for me!
And I can’t even tell him how sorry I am.ab69b3f0b346ebfb002eccb61b2877a9
I’m not sure which is harder to deal with, knowing I destroyed our relationship and THEN ended it or not being able to say sorry for being the person I was and while being in control of him, I was in no way in control of myself!

It’s very hard to take now. But I have to move on.

So I’m thinking I have an issue with eating and she seems to think it’s not eating I have a problem with, I have gone weeks without eating proper food, I have gone up and down the sweet/crisp aisle dozens of times and I have not been affected by any of it, I do not want it. Which is always the case, even when I’m buying it, I stand there and wonder, what do I want, nothing in particular and also everything I can see, so I look and look and finally settle on something I think I might want!
quote-Jim-Evans-another-way-to-lose-control-is-to-83304So then I take that home and I feel the need to eat it all at once, or give it to my brother, because firstly there is guilt there because I bought it and secondly I didn’t want it anyway so I need to find a way to get it out of my house and the most obvious answer is to eat the damn stuff as fast as possible!
My problem is actually a fear of losing control of shopping.

How weird, yet it makes absolute sense.
I can go shopping and buy food and eat it perfectly fine when I am buying the right food for me, but I am actually petrified of being in the supermarket and losing control and buying the stuff I don’t actually want, then the whole cycle begins! Because that is the point I lose control, I can’t lose control when I’m sat at home thinking about it, as there is nothing in my house I can eat that will make me feel like that.
Food isn’t my problem (not in this case! clearly it has been!) but I am scared of losing control shopping!
So we came up with some ideas for me to counteract it and be back in control.
And I feel a whole lot better about the situation.
I may not be perfect straight away, but I will get there again and it’s made me feel so so so much better knowing I am not losing control of eating, I’m not eating so how can I be, I didn’t realise I actually have that under control! It’s a fear of shopping and losing control while I am there and there are so many ways I can prevent that now I feel alot better about the whole situation!
It’s funny as I wasn’t really expecting her to be able to help me that much and yet she really has. I guess these people have this job for a reason!


Much more like it!

Last week I think I met three people three nights running and every single one of them told me I look so much prettier in real life than on my photos! It is still so hard for me to accept! I find it hard enough when people tell me I look pretty on my pics, i’m like wtf they looking at?! But then to be told it to my face is unreal and I still feel uncomfortable with it. I guess being a big fat blob for so long it will never feel any different.
However I cannot say it is not nice when I do hear it from someone!

The third person I met was only a last minute thing, someone cancelled on me and there was a guy I was talking to who lived close to me so I asked if he fancied going for a drive. He had said to me he was after nothing, so I thought why not!
I went and picked him and and we decided to go to the local services for a drink and I hadn’t shut up from the moment I picked him up!
When we got out of the car, something came to my mind so I said to him are you gay or bi, I have no idea why this even came to me, but he said yeah bi, I thought it was on my profile? I said I didn’t notice, which I hadn’t.
We sat there drinking and chatting for quite a while and we spoke about everything, nothing was off limits! And I was actually sad when I had to take him home. Next day I asked if he wanted to come for cuddles and a film and he said he would after work, this was all I wanted as I wasn’t sure how I felt about him being bisexual, so he turned up after work and I put a film on, but had to pause it as again we didn’t stop talking! A few hours later I said shall we go up to bed as my brother will be back soon and I knew he didn’t want to meet anyone yet, so we went upstairs and had a cuddle, movie on pause again and I looked up at him and I could see in his eyes he was desperate to kiss me! So I did.
Wow it was amazing and we did that for quite a while things progressed and stuff happens, but we didn’t have sex.


Yeah defo!! <3

I had an amazing night, but on the way home I said to him, I really really don’t think you are actually in to women, and I explained my reasons for coming to this conclusion to him and he said to me he had never thought about it like that, but when I pointed it out to him it made perfect sense and he really needed to have a think about what he actually wanted!
The next day he told me he had come off all the dating apps as he needed to figure out what was going on and again he thanked me for making him look at things. He had never been in a relationship with a man, and he had been in a 17 month on off relationship with a girl.
But something just felt right with this guy, we have connected on such a level and we think each other are amazing, but we know thats it, we know we have a friendship for life and we will be very close! But then later that evening he messaged me and wasn’t quite sure how to put it, but the on/off ex had messaged him to tell him a one night stand she had told her he had chlamydia, she had told him there was no one else and they didn’t need to use condoms he was distraught in having to tell me and for himself, in finding out she had lied to him! But after my reaction he said I don’t even know why I worried as I forgot you are frigging awesome! So I said I would go to the clinic in the morning and did he want to come with, so he did and I told him to get everything done, including bloods. The chances of anything for me are extremely slim, I’m not worried we hardly touched. But I prefer being smart about sexual health!

So then we started our road trip to Swansea, normally I have to have the radio on loud, but yet again, talking was just too much, didn’t even listen to one song and we spoke the whole way there and back, I have no idea what we have left to talk about, but it seems like we have everything and nothing all at once and we just seem to make total sense with each other.

These words have so much meaning to me!

These words have so much meaning to me!

If I could bend him poker straight he would be my ideal guy. I abso-fucking-lutely love him!

He makes me so happy!

Valentines day is ours!

Oh I have also found one of the beautiful boys from butlins on one of these apps! AND he replied to my message!! :D


H x


11 Dec


I have been gone for a little while and had the blog hidden for reasons I can’t even remember.

But I have been so busy lately I haven’t had time to come and do anything about it, but hopefully I’m back.

Although I have no idea what to do anymore.

I do believe Mr Barry was right, as much as I hate to admit it, I cannot get below 17 and a half stone.

No matter what I do.

So I’ve just kind of given up the last few weeks and as I was away last weekend, I didn’t even care!

We finally went on our holiday that we have wanted since about May. We booked it when I was seeing the Psycho, but my mother came with us instead and even though I’m not a fan of 80s music we had the most amazing weekend!

I loved every damn moment of it. I met some amazing people, had some amazing times and I am going back in March for a 90s weekend!

It cannot come soon enough.

I walked and danced my feet off all weekend, I hardly sat down, I did over 20,000 steps every day and by Sunday night they were on fire! Haha

I wish it was last Friday so I could do it all again, but sadly its not.

All the people I met, would not believe I was 39, I loved all of them, the Brummies (oh how I miss you!) the Bristol boy, Pete and Neil and Stef! Ugh being home sucks!

But pictures make me happy!

Soon I hope!

H x

Lets chalk it up to experience… again!

29 Sep

Not really WLS related, more dating or not dating! But it’s my blog and I need to moan again, soz about that :D

Life was so much simpler when I was married. I knew what was going on. Never thought I would have to think about another man again or get bloody hurt by them!

Oh wait yeah nothing would have changed and I would still be stuck as I was all those years ago, which wasn’t so great really was it!
Somewhere in the last twenty years though, guys have become more arseholes than before, or at least they’re not so coy about it anymore, easier to get away with it now with all these social apps that make it so much quicker to move on to the next person.

So as I mentioned last week I had met someone, it was the first person I had ever met like that from a dating app, probably the last one too because, yeah! I screwed up.
He came across as so nice and genuine. You can tell immediately if you have a connection with someone or not and we most definitely did, through messaging and when we met in person. It was so nice, I felt completely at ease with him which is where I messed up. We met a couple of times and chatted quite a bit he even came to my house and everything seemed fine, then for whatever reason he just stopped talking to me. Not a word.
terry-parks-quote-its-a-learning-experience-ill-just-chalk-it-up-to-thIf it had been a one off then fair enough. I asked him if that was all and while neither of us wanted a relationship we were both adults and seeing each other was fun or so I thought!

If you have changed your mind then be a man and say that, don’t just ignore someone. If you have to block them, so they know for sure that you’re not interested then fine,  but to just ignore someone and let them wonder and worry is really immature. I’m not a crazy person (sometimes!!!) but I am a person who has feelings and things like that just confuse me. If you don’t want to talk to me anymore or see me, then say that and I will leave you be.

If you just stop talking to me, I’m going to wonder if you are okay, did something happen, did you have an accident, are you dying in hospital, do you have schiophrenia/bi-polar/manic depressive/multiple personalities and having an episode right now or more than likely, are you just a complete twat who got what he wanted and now just moving onto the next without so much as a goodbye!

This is what Clare thinks, very good player, who ticked off older woman and sex while you’re meant to be working fantasy lol not sure I would go that far, especially if I send him this.. which I might, he can see what I was like before.. not so much of a fantasy then!

Hahah revenge! :D

I am so annoyed with myself for falling for it, I feel so naive, it’s so hard for me to let someone in like that for obvious reasons, yes I’m friendly and can speak to anyone but being intimate with someone is completely different, thats a whole other level, and I sure as hell don’t want to be someone who keeps meeting people and getting treated like that. He was either very good at faking a connection or very good at not caring.

Either one makes me feel like shit. So cheers for that Harry. You made my week x ;)

Never mind I have unmatched from him, deleted the app and his number and I shall forget he ever existed.
Although weirdly I noticed he looked at my messages at 7am this morning!
You WILL miss me maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow! But I am good enough to miss.. eventually! :p

This is becoming my thing it seems!

This is becoming my thing it seems!

Another one for the bucket!


H x

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