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Emotions Everywhere and I’m Starting to Care!

5 Jun

So so much has happened since I last posted. It’s been surreal.

So I started work the following morning, it was damn hard but I enjoyed it, the things I saw were heartbreaking and very emotional. I watched as Rosie did everything and helped when I could. The next day was my turn to do everything, by our second call I thought I was dying, this lady I was with, was 47, two years ago, she had a tumor removed in her pituitary gland, that night she had a stroke. Her left arm is stuck at a 90 degree angle and her legs are massive with cellulitis and are rock hard, it’s such a sad thing, but after dealing with all that, I was dying! From that moment on I was on a downward spiral all day, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. By the time we got to a call, where I could see the woman didn’t have more than 24h to live, which broke my heart as it reminded me of my nan. I knew I couldn’t carry on, I was sick and dizzy and just not well at all! So I told Rosie I had to go home.
6093a188adddb804794445bb261bf32dI thought about what I was going to do, I knew with all my issues and now with my random sickness I get, I was confused. I really wanted this job, I was desperate for it, but could I actually physically do it?
I waited for my references to come through, and spoke to them about my concerns and they told me that they were going to ease me into it as I hadn’t worked for twenty years, so that made me feel better. I did however have my worries the whole time, but this was something I really wanted to do, so I pushed them aside.Then I got my start date!

I was so excited! They started me off with a lot of breaks in between calls. So I thought I would be okay. Oh how I wrong I was. By the time I had my long break I knew I was in trouble. I rang the office and said I was worried again, but I’d make an appointment with my doctor for the afternoon and speak to them and see what they said. She told me not to do anything as it was my first day, but I was worried, I knew how much pain I was in, she didn’t.
I went to my doctor told her what was happening and she said Hayley, you cannot control your pain when you’re doing nothing?! And you want to do a physical job..  It’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse.

I knew she was right, so I went home and made the phone call to them to say I couldn’t do it and I was distraught. I got home and sobbed and sobbed, I was gutted. I then sent one of the girls in the office a message saying how sorry I was etc etc. And she said to me they had been talking and thought what about if I just did sits. And I thought about it and said yeah I could do that, it’s easy, you sit with someone while their family member goes and does what they need to, mini respite for a few hours. How hard could that be!?

marcel-pariseau-quote-she-cant-deal-with-it-any-moreIt started off okay, then slowly they were putting more on me, there was a couple I was looking after on the weekends, who had dementia, they both had different types. And boy was it hard.
I don’t need to go over all the hard stuff that happened, but the day I realised that I couldn’t do it, was a Sunday I was at this couples house, and I fell asleep at the kitchen table, it was only nodding off, but I knew something wasn’t right, that’s not what I do, I started to be sick, so after a while, I rang and asked if I could go home early, and they told me there was no way I could leave, so I left it a bit longer and then sent a text message to their daughter and asked if I could leave and hour early, she told me she would be down right away.

So I left early and went home and I slept til the Tuesday, turned out I had tonsillitis again for the third time in three months! I was completely wiped out for two whole weeks again. I was so unwell. But that Sunday that I left their home, I knew I couldn’t do this job, if I couldn’t go home to be ill when I needed to, then I couldn’t do the job! It was just killing me.

I was distraught. But what could I do?

So now I’ve learnt my lesson I am not ready for work yet. So I’m going to wait until they force me to go and they can find me a job that I am able to do!

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So of course all this sent me into a downward spiral, I thought I was ready, I thought I was picking my life back up, albeit twenty years later, with arthritis in both hips and my spine and having gone through weight loss service, my stomach and intestines removed, divorced to the husband I thought I would always be with and our twenty year anniversary being in April, I wasn’t coping well at all.cognitive-behavior-therapy-for-depression-in-older-adultsnorthrop-29-728

My food took a hit. I was just eating junk, no real food going in me and I didn’t care. I was starving myself again nutritionally, filling my face with junk like I did when I was 32 stone.

People think it’s easy. Stop eating lose weight. They have no idea it’s a mental issue, not a greed thing. No one can understand unless you have ever been obese. And even then, no one else has any idea of what is going on with you and how you got to be the size you did. There are usually stories for the reasons people gain huge amounts of weight and usually it is not down to just greed alone.  It is so much more complex than that.

6c850e64994c356a69b9dcabb060ddd4But people judge. And boy do they judge obesity. I think I have said it before, but I think the reason get so angry and annoyed at obesity is because it can happen to them, so easily, just one thing changing in their lives can send them into the same spiral that I found myself in twenty years ago. It’s so easy for it to happen. 1lb 7lbs 20lbs it’s so easy to creep up  because of one thing that happens in your life, or it could be a huge life changing thing that happens.  We just don’t know the future and what could happen.
And I think that is why people judge so harshly with obesity. 

So I got to a point where I was starting to feel my clothes getting tighter, I was ignoring it. I didn’t care I wanted junk and only junk! But I knew I was screwing myself over, how could I carry on with what I was doing! I’m going to ruin everything.

So last week I closed my eyes and stepped in the scales! I wanted to hurt myself so much! From my lowest, I was only there for a day, but two and a half stone back on!

Wtf wtf wtf!

Ugh guess what today is the start of.

Pouch reset time.

So the last time I did this, I went almost four weeks without eating I was so petrified of eating again, I couldn’t make myself eat not matter what I did. Even seeing the psychologist didn’t help. The only thing that made me eat again was getting tonsillitis, I think that was my body saying hey missy, eat or I’m going to give you and illness you have never had in your life before because your immune system is so low right now!

Yeah that made me eat again!

And God did I eat again! That was the start of me not stopping which was just intensified when I realised I couldn’t work!

So I started with the five day pouch test and oh dear it started again! I got scared of eating, only kept it kind of under control, day five I managed to force myself to eat a cheese omelette in the evening and today I have made food.  Good real food that my body needs, not junk, I think I needed that to make me think about the fact I actually needed protein and vegetables and all things a good healthy vegetarian needs!

How long it will last is anyone’s guess, but here I am trying and writing on my blog again. It’s always good to write here, I know I’m doing okay when I’m back.

So here I am eating good food, writing and hoping to continue on the good path, though this time next week I shall be on a 90s weekend in Butlins, so I might be on a very strict time limit! Ha

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Soon, with luck!

H x

 

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To Eat?!

4 Jan

It’s so hard!

All day choices for food!

What do I eat?

I don’t know!

How can it be so difficult and painful. I have no clue. I know what I should eat and I know what I want to eat, but very rarely are they the same!

So I force myself to cook something that is more in line with what I should have and usually a portion is always too much, so I am inevitably left  with.. leftovers!

Yesterday I made something called “Poorly Cooked Eggs” it was quite tasty, but I didn’t have any asparagus so had it with red onion and Quorn chorizo intead. I actually had it for two meals and had to throw some away in the end as it was too much for me, so I AM trying with the left over thing!

Poorly-Cooked-Eggs-1-800

This wasn’t my one, but this is how the original looked.

I also read about this sprout concoction and have just given this a go, I’m not particularly fond of them and don’t usually eat them, but I need to get more veg in me, so I just cooked it and it was surprisingly nice!

Don’t know how often I would make it, but I will have it again to use up my bag of sprouts!

 

LN_013001_BP_11God knows what to eat later, maybe my favourite omelette, which is made with dollops of this amazing stuff.  I love that Clare got me to try it, it is seriously amazing when you cut into the gooey cheese!

For a long time my dad has been having issues with extra phlegm and is constantly wheezing its very irratating for him, especially when trying to sleep at night. He even had one incident where he woke up choking on it in the middle of the night, it had gone down his windpipe, scared both him and my brother half to death.
He’s been back and forth to doctors and hospital, taken antibiotics for it, but nothing seems to help.
So last week he asked me to take him to the hospital in the morning as he is having a camera and needs to be sedated for it.
I thought nothing of it. Then I asked him what it’s for assuming it was just about the excess fluid and he said they are putting the camera into his lung. I was cooking food and he just said they said I have small shadow on my lung.

What?!

What?!

You’re telling me now!

Just what we need.

That is how my grandmother, his mother died three years ago.

We don’t need this shit!

Staying calm.

But panic is going to set in soon!

Please let it be nothing.

Soon

H x

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If only this was true!

Keto – Oh No!

13 Jul

Keto, paelo, low carb etc is something I think about alot. Clare is the almost expert she is the one I go to when I need help. She has given me alot of information and I have read alot myself and it’s something I really want to stick to. It makes so much sense.
Carbs feed carbs it’s as simple as that. When I was on my pre op diet, after a few days, once you get through the pain it gets easy, you no longer crave the sugars and it just becomes a way of life. And it feels bloody good to be that in control of what you are eating. I’m pretty sure I was sticking to under 30g a day when I was on my preop. But since then, because I have nothing to work towards I find that so hard.

As anyone who knows me, I love my one shot latte from Costa and I can have as many as three a day (no one would care if I had five coffees at home, but everyone has an opinion on my Costa addiction!) so it’s bye bye keto right there!
I also suffer from another terrible affliction, I have an awful disease that no carnivores understand…

…I am a vegetarian! Oh no, the horror!

So again, that in itself makes going keto bloody hard!

But it’s something I want to do, I don’t want to be super low to begin with, I know I can’t do it, so I’m just going to aim under 50g that is going to be difficult with giving up my lattes, I’ll start going down to one a day. It can only be a good thing as I know I have used them as a food substitute, which is now getting harder as the hunger has come back. Goddamnit I did not miss that I can tell you! It’s funny how no one really talks about that. It’s not proper hunger like I used to feel, but it’s definitely there something I could really live without! Makes me feel pretty shitty.
So now I’m starting the research on how to go keto as a vegetarian, I’m reading this document I have found which looks quite interesting, I haven’t finished reading it yet as I haven’t had any time to just stop and focus. With the gym and road trips and people commitments I can’t get the time to give it my full attention, so I’m not 100% committed to it just yet, but keeping my carbs down as much as I can.
Doing this as a non meat eater obviously is going to be alot different, I need to get nutrients from other sources and my carb content is naturally going to be that much higher than someone who is a meat eater. I am OK with that, this is about me and doing the best for me and I cannot eat meat, no matter who says I should. It just ain’t gonna happen guys! Let’s all become vegetarians instead!

I have the nutritionist in 20 days and I would love love love to be under 18 (252) stone by then. I can’t see it happening though. There is no control over what my weight is, it has been like this since surgery, no matter what I do it will stick or move whenever it wants to regardless of any input on my part. Some people find that really hard to understand, and it’s very frustrating, but my nurse told me it’s expected, I am nearly 14 stone down in total, I have to be happy with that. But I still want to prove Mr Barry wrong!
I’m hoping I will get to see him in the next few months, my 12 month checkup should be in September and I really want to ask him about my legs. If I could get surgery on them it would help alot. Not even to look better for cosmetic reasons, though that would make me feel better, but for every day life reason, the fat pockets are in my way and often feels like I have something caught in my legs, it’s very annoying. And no amount of work I do at the gym is going to solve this and believe me, I’m putting in alot of work, I can feel muscles I’ve never felt before, in my thighs and arms but they are coated in mounds of excess skin! If I feel brave enough I shall show my legs (be warned- NOT pretty!) when I get home! No matter what we do or how hard we now work nothing is ever going to let us forget what we used to be, yes we might have abused ourselves but when we finally see what we’ve done and need help, we will always have a reminder and never look normal. It’s very disheartening.

I went for my preop appointment this morning, had the most miserable nurse I have ever had the pleasure of meeting going through it all with me. He was most unhelpful and quite rude, I was trying to explain about the diabetes situation, but he wasn’t listening, and said I don’t care what you were, sat across from the table from me now are you diabetic.. I gave up and said no.. So if my bloods go crazy, it’s his fault! I have to go into hospital at 07:30 next Wednesday have to see the anaesthetist because my bmi was 41 and it’s not meant to be over 40 then hopefully there will be a bed and I will get my hernia repaired. Though he did say there probably won’t be a bed! Fabulous indeed!
I’m scared of how this is going to affect me. Will I put weight back on? No exercise or driving for a couple of weeks at least. I am slightly worried.

They say losing weight is all about the food exercise just strengthens and tones you, so if I can get my head into doing keto then I guess not being able to exercise shouldn’t matter at all.
So this is the plan this week, brain be prepared ketosis is coming!

Make a Fucking Plan

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