Quandary!

7 Jan

I’m in a bit of a pickle!

I am so so so so bored!

I think I’ve said this before, but knowing what to do is very hard.
I desperately want a job, to make my own money, to meet new people, to enjoy getting up every day and having something to do!
But!
I have worked out if I do that, I will be so much worse off!
So what do I do?
I really want to be a Health Care Assistant, but it is extremely hard to get into that line of worked. I have done so much research and I either have to be really lucky in finding a position that would even take me on to begin with as I have no experience and haven’t worked in such a long time or get another job at the NHS and apply internally for it, which seems so unlikely as why would they employ me?!

Another option I have is to go and work for my mum at Sainsburys, it’s a guaranteed job, very, very easy work, I will be finished by 10:00 am, but the wage is awful and do I really want to go to work everyday to a job I’m not bothered about for less money than I’m going to get if I just stay at home and be incredibly bored, slowly going insane and want to cry!?
Is there really any point in that at all?
Yes, I’ll be doing something and feel good about earning my own, which I haven’t done since I got married! So is that in itself worth it?
I just don’t know?

Enjoy work

This is what I need!

My last option is to become a carer, which is sort of a similar thing to the HCA, just going to homes, I think that bit scares me. I’ll have a car and it will be extremely hard work, and it does feel like my better option, but I will admit the idea of changing my life so much is petrifying, but I know I also want to and have to do it!
I just don’t know how!
Or do I just wait until they force me to do it?! It is so hard to make a decision!
I really don’t want to be doing nothing for much longer, I seriously cannot take it!
Some people think its a great idea, but until you are doing it and your brain has turned to mush and you can’t earn any extra money they really have no idea how utterly depressing it is not to work. Not even including the bad way I got myself into this situation.
Being obese is not fun!
Some days I regret every single moment from the second I met my ex husband, oh how my life would have been different if it wasn’t for that, or if we had made different decisions together. While I realise I made my own choices, he was a big influence in how shitty everything has turned out!

How do I make a decision!?

75e01c8041e74b58b00b3c4e822919f2

I adore Rachel! Though I think she is talking about me!

I want to feel better about myself and I really think this is the next step for me, but it feels freaking huge right now! Like a leap I just might not make! and fall flat on my face!!

Sometimes I shouldn’t be allowed to make my own decisions! I’m not responsible enough!

I also think I’m so done with the whole “dating” thing for a bit!
It’s too hard.
d40375de9794130101d8085315bc0b3c
I love talking to people! I love getting to know someone, as I’ve said before I’m a very open person and I don’t keep much a secret, but I think I let people in too quickly!

I can have a connection with someone I’ve met online. Some people don’t understand it, but there are some who are that little bit more special to you, you smile when you hear from them, they make you happy, you let them in and then…
…then they hurt you!

I had, or what I thought I had, was an amazing friend. We got on so well, he was great, we clicked immediately, we messaged, spoke on the phone, facetimed and made plans to meet. I was so excited! Then something went wrong and its all gone now!
Tones of messages can not be conveyed in text and sometimes we would both take things the wrong way, but we would manage to sort it out, but something happened this week and things were said and we decided it was all just too hard.
3f426bef14da2ee1b524a8ae9c68bfd3Distance was a huge issue, if we hadn’t been so far apart it would have been different. But distance requires effort and he was a busy person. He also thinks my last message was sent to hurt him and it really wasn’t I was ill and upset, my words were not nasty, just questioning. I didn’t want the world, just wanted to feel like I mattered and he couldn’t do that anymore for whatever reason!
Part of me thinks it was because I gave him my blog address! I really need to stop giving that out to people! I’ve done it alot this week and people can be very judgey!
But as I’ve said before, if I don’t tell people I feel like I’m keeping a huge secret, even though it’s not, it’s no body elses business. I am what I am and I’ve done what I’ve done to be the person I am today.
I’m a good person and so much more than my past. I am fun and happy to be around. I’m not a demanding person by far! I’m quite easy going, I just like to talk alot!

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This is what I need!

Oh well there is nothing I can do about it now. It would have been nice to have met, but there will be another one day. I just don’t know when and feel like I need a break from being hurt.
Maybe I was never meant to split from my ex husband, maybe I was meant to eat myself to death and now I’m going to be alone forever!

It certainly feels like that these days.

I really need to make some decisions very soon! I will have less time to wonder about people who shouldn’t matter in my life and it will finally have some meaning!
How I feel about myself right now is actually quite pathetic!

Soon

H x

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To Eat?!

4 Jan

It’s so hard!

All day choices for food!

What do I eat?

I don’t know!

How can it be so difficult and painful. I have no clue. I know what I should eat and I know what I want to eat, but very rarely are they the same!

So I force myself to cook something that is more in line with what I should have and usually a portion is always too much, so I am inevitably left  with.. leftovers!

Yesterday I made something called “Poorly Cooked Eggs” it was quite tasty, but I didn’t have any asparagus so had it with red onion and Quorn chorizo intead. I actually had it for two meals and had to throw some away in the end as it was too much for me, so I AM trying with the left over thing!

Poorly-Cooked-Eggs-1-800

This wasn’t my one, but this is how the original looked.

I also read about this sprout concoction and have just given this a go, I’m not particularly fond of them and don’t usually eat them, but I need to get more veg in me, so I just cooked it and it was surprisingly nice!

Don’t know how often I would make it, but I will have it again to use up my bag of sprouts!

 

LN_013001_BP_11God knows what to eat later, maybe my favourite omelette, which is made with dollops of this amazing stuff.  I love that Clare got me to try it, it is seriously amazing when you cut into the gooey cheese!

For a long time my dad has been having issues with extra phlegm and is constantly wheezing its very irratating for him, especially when trying to sleep at night. He even had one incident where he woke up choking on it in the middle of the night, it had gone down his windpipe, scared both him and my brother half to death.
He’s been back and forth to doctors and hospital, taken antibiotics for it, but nothing seems to help.
So last week he asked me to take him to the hospital in the morning as he is having a camera and needs to be sedated for it.
I thought nothing of it. Then I asked him what it’s for assuming it was just about the excess fluid and he said they are putting the camera into his lung. I was cooking food and he just said they said I have small shadow on my lung.

What?!

What?!

You’re telling me now!

Just what we need.

That is how my grandmother, his mother died three years ago.

We don’t need this shit!

Staying calm.

But panic is going to set in soon!

Please let it be nothing.

Soon

H x

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If only this was true!

Being controlled..

2 Jan

..by food, again.

JunkFoodGod it is tough. I have been on an emotional low for a few weeks. I had to go stay at my uncles in Coventry for about a week while he had a right hemi colonectomy for cancer.
It was such a huge emotional toll on me. Not necessarily for the fact of the cancer, but just because I was being relied on so much.
I was responsible for nothing four years ago. Absolutely nothing. My only job was to get myself to the toilet every day!
Now I was living in a city I didn’t know, with my uncle’s wife who I didn’t know and their four-year old son who I didn’t know. I would have had a total melt down four years ago, and while I was close to that now, I couldn’t let it happen.

motivational-sayings-motivational-quotes-for-work-working-hard-and-believe-in-yourself

Especially when that person was YOU!

I had to get Jo-an back and forth to the hospital as she can’t drive, has no family living here, is from the Philippines and they had no one to look after their son while she was at the hospital. So I felt every damn bit of pressure, completely on me. It was hard to say the least. It wasn’t the most straight forward of weeks at all and I felt like I had no one to lean on or help me. I did spend a day crying as I didn’t know what I was doing.

But I made it though! Me the girl who led on her floor crying because I couldn’t put electricity in the meter. Three people relied on me and I got us through it and did a pretty good job of it.

You did good Hayley. Be proud of that!

Its been about two weeks now and I am back home, my uncle is getting better, though we still don’t know if he needs chemotherapy, but should know by the end of this week.

Christmas was pretty shitty!

It was the first one I had alone, while last year I was technically alone, I was still with Matthew, so I didn’t feel completely alone. This was my first holiday alone in twenty years and I felt it.
No one understands how I feel as no one is in my situation, but as usual I carry on as if I don’t care and nothing bothers me, but it does.

Went into the New Year asleep. Couldn’t even be bothered with it.

So now I feel like I want to change. Some how I need to get a job I like this year. One that will keep my mind happy and my hands full so I don’t eat food.
I am fed up of being bored. I am fed up of having nothing to do. I would love to some how have a job that related to surgery but that would never happen over here like it can do for some in America.
Being a Health Care Assistant, would be something I would love, but again, getting into that seems almost impossible and I really don’t want to start out working in something I hate and regret doing it.

So I really need to have a long hard think about what to do and start making changes so I can do it.

I need to quit with the bad food choices too. It makes me feel so ill and I don’t enjoy anything then.
I wish surgery coud have affected the brain too, but sadly it doesn’t. It is and always will be a constant struggle and as long as I know this and vow to always be aware of what I’m doing I shouldn’t put weight back on.
I have accepted that I will not get any smaller without surgery to remove my excess skin and this upsets me, but I really can’t do anything to change that.

I was 448lbs. I have excess skin. Most people are around 300lb with this surgery. I was not. I have all that extra to deal with. I have to accept it.
I did it to myself, that is the price for being so morbidly obese.
I can do so much more I have to be thankful for that and focus on getting a job and getting surgery to remove the skin.
Those are my two main goals for 2016.

I probably need to track food again. Going to stay under 50/60g of carbs a day, but I must track to take accountability and I need to post more.
I notice I am MIA from here when I am doing badly.
Must force myself everyday! Wish there were more people to encourage! Say hi if you’re reading and are not shy! I know there are quite a few of you!
Where in your journey are you? Or are you just reading? Hoping never to get as big as I did and doing it the traditional way?
Would love to hear from more people!

Either way I hope you had a good holiday period and you get all your goals/wishes for 2016 if you set any!

Soon!

H x

196d3bbd14d561b72c15ae7c2ce88295

Back…?

11 Dec

Possibly!

I have been gone for a little while and had the blog hidden for reasons I can’t even remember.

But I have been so busy lately I haven’t had time to come and do anything about it, but hopefully I’m back.

Although I have no idea what to do anymore.

I do believe Mr Barry was right, as much as I hate to admit it, I cannot get below 17 and a half stone.

No matter what I do.

So I’ve just kind of given up the last few weeks and as I was away last weekend, I didn’t even care!

We finally went on our holiday that we have wanted since about May. We booked it when I was seeing the Psycho, but my mother came with us instead and even though I’m not a fan of 80s music we had the most amazing weekend!

I loved every damn moment of it. I met some amazing people, had some amazing times and I am going back in March for a 90s weekend!

It cannot come soon enough.

I walked and danced my feet off all weekend, I hardly sat down, I did over 20,000 steps every day and by Sunday night they were on fire! Haha

I wish it was last Friday so I could do it all again, but sadly its not.

All the people I met, would not believe I was 39, I loved all of them, the Brummies (oh how I miss you!) the Bristol boy, Pete and Neil and Stef! Ugh being home sucks!

But pictures make me happy!

Soon I hope!

H x

A years difference

4 Nov

Halloween 2014 a month after surgery and Halloween 2015.

My hair is shitty, but I am most definitely happy!

wpid-2015-11-03_21.29.57.jpg

3 Nov

I was on my way to the gym one day last week.

It was cold outside, cloudy and windy. As I was driving down Llantarnam Road I noticed how the orange leaves were blowing off the trees, they were falling down and slowly drifing sideways into the road. It looked so pretty and in that moment I was overwhelmed. I started crying and I couldn’t stop.

I was thinking about all the time I was sat in my bed, wishing I was outside, feeling the cold and the rain on my face. Getting rosy cheeks from the bitterness, being wrapped up in a hat, scarf, gloves and coat. Wearing wellies and enjoying this time of year. How I wanted that and missed it so much.

And here I was, able to do that now, I’m out living my life, doing whatever I want, going wherever I want, no one to tell me no, no one to answer to. I am just free to be me and enjoying everything I couldn’t before.

I felt awful and wonderful all at once. So sad that I had wasted so much of my life being controlled by that fat.

Being so much less than human.

Not living.

Get-Ready-for-Fireplaces-Changing-Leaves-and-Chilly-Nights-With-These-27-Fall-Quotes-14It feels wonderful to be the opposite of that now. To feel everything and not care about what anyone else thinks, because they don’t matter. I don’t have to lock myself away in my bedroom because I am ashamed to let people see me.

They can see me and all my excess skin and I just don’t care, because I can go stand under the leaves, falling, in my hat and scarf and gloves and enjoy every single second of it.

And it is fucking amazing!

I lasted about two months on keto.

d8d25c7c2ecf1211094005c6121cb11eThe weight hardly moved and while I loved how it made me feel, hormones got the better of me! I had a bread roll with my Harvester salad on the Wednesday that I went to my year check up. On the Friday me and Clare met up and oh boy, was that a slippery descent into carb hell! We should not have been allowed to be together when we were both hormonal, eaten small amounts of carbs (she ate mince pies!!!!) and went to Cardiff where there was beautiful onion rings and Jalapeno jelly!! Wow, it was not a good combination, but we enjoyed it! lol

10553545_440917769396391_4946594825099486869_n1I am just eating more normally now, yet somehow I woke up this morning at 17st 4lbs. My body does not make sense to anyone. Not even to itself! I’ll just stay low carb, but not crazy low carby keto! I want to enjoy myself too.

As of today I am back on the morphine. Hoping this wont affect the weight though. Time will tell. I must remember to take my macrogol with this though! I really don’t want to end up like I did in hospital! Never ever ever again do I want that!

So I have 23 days until I am 39 and I have now officially hit old!
My whole family wears glasses, all my siblings have worn them from when they were young children. Both parents have had them when they got older.
The weirdest thing happened to me on the weekend! I went to bed completely fine on Saturday night. I could see perfectly had no problem whatsoever! I wake up Sunday and notice my vision is blurry. Close up is fine, I can message people on my phone, but looking at something across the room is odd. Something is wrong
As the day goes on I figure out its my left eye. Everything is going through my mind and I’m starting to panic a bit. Hoping going to sleep will help and it doesn’t, so I get an appointment for opticians and explain whats happened.

Turns out… over night I have become short-sighted! Like what the hell?! How did that even happen.
They think it might have been going on a while and I just didn’t notice. I guess with having to focus more when driving my eye just gave up!

My right is 0.25 and my left is 1.00 so there is a bit of a difference. I hate being odd so this is making me crazy.

I chose two pairs of glasses I looked like an idiot in all of them. I don’t even wear sunglasses I think I look so stupid! I have only worn them since I started driving as I really have no choice, so now I have to wear them for driving and watching tv it kind of sucks. I really don’t like having anything on my face!
I have a trial of contacts, but its a bit hard, I will persevere though. A family friend asked if I could see better now, I said no! I see just the same as I did Saturday night, just £150 poorer now!

I am not happy!

Look how stupid I look!

Stupid! Stuipd! Stupid!

Stupid! Stuipd! Stupid!

Soon

H x

417 day Checkup!

21 Oct

As I mentioned a few weeks a go I’ve been changing my antidepressants, I came of Citalopram and went onto Mirtazapine for one day until I realised it could put weight on quickly and then changed to Venlafaxine.

But all of them can affect both your weight and libido and I don’t want either of those to change, unless the weight is going down of course! That I can cope with lol

So I was looking into it and found Bupropion which has no adverse affects on either of those things. This is what I need in my life!

Only one problem.
It’s not prescribed in the UK for depression, only under the name Zyban to quit smoking.

Balls.
3438a328deada716677fc9f55787ad32So I had my work cut out for me! I went to the doctor last week and started on my persuasion technique! Which turned out to be amazing as he quite quickly agreed with me and prescribed me the bupropion for depression. So I have been on those the last week.I guess time will tell if they are working. He didn’t even know what dose to give me as there are no NICE guidelines for depression lol so we are just winging it right now and hoping for the best!

I was worried they had forgotten about me in Swansea and I was not going to get my years check up. But today I got to go over there to see how things are going.

Sadly I didn’t get to see Mr Barry, but I got to see Nia instead, all in their new building, which was very fancy, I had to scan my letter to say I was there, then you wait around and get called into another area of the hospital via a big tv screen. Was all different.

With my powers of persuasion with my GP I was ready to start with Mr Barry in the hopes I can get my legs done. I didn’t have much hope, but I had to give it a try, but with him not being there I had to talk to Nia instead, which as soon as I showed her, she agreed with me, she asked what else and looked at my tummy and pubis and arms. Shes going to send in the referral for it all, so I was very pleased with that.
il_214x170.828439432_1v0wShe told me that at first it would be declined, they always are, they then send a rejection letter to your doctor and you have to ask them to appeal. But whatever you do, do not use psychological issues for it, it has to be physical, infections etc, they will flat out refuse it always was psychological reasons, which is dumb as things like nose and boob jobs get done for that and it obviously does affect you in that way too. But having arthritis in both hips and spine is going to help with my case as it is pulling down and causing more pain.

I’m so excited to get the ball rolling on this! Maybe by 2017 I shall be excess skin free! Well hopefully on my legs and pubis at least!

She was very happy with my progress. I said I think I’m stuck now, but it’s hard to know what to do now as I didn’t get to see a surgeon, which is disappointing.
She said Mr Barry wanted her to ask me if I would talk to medical students in the future, which I said I would. She tells everyone I have a blog and I’m evangelical about the whole process, whatever the hell that means! lol

But I was happy with my visit today.

Let’s hope for an even better second year!

Soon

H x

rex-johnson-quote-lets-put-it-this-way-its-been-a-good-year

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