Tag Archives: addiction

Emotions Everywhere and I’m Starting to Care!

5 Jun

So so much has happened since I last posted. It’s been surreal.

So I started work the following morning, it was damn hard but I enjoyed it, the things I saw were heartbreaking and very emotional. I watched as Rosie did everything and helped when I could. The next day was my turn to do everything, by our second call I thought I was dying, this lady I was with, was 47, two years ago, she had a tumor removed in her pituitary gland, that night she had a stroke. Her left arm is stuck at a 90 degree angle and her legs are massive with cellulitis and are rock hard, it’s such a sad thing, but after dealing with all that, I was dying! From that moment on I was on a downward spiral all day, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. By the time we got to a call, where I could see the woman didn’t have more than 24h to live, which broke my heart as it reminded me of my nan. I knew I couldn’t carry on, I was sick and dizzy and just not well at all! So I told Rosie I had to go home.
6093a188adddb804794445bb261bf32dI thought about what I was going to do, I knew with all my issues and now with my random sickness I get, I was confused. I really wanted this job, I was desperate for it, but could I actually physically do it?
I waited for my references to come through, and spoke to them about my concerns and they told me that they were going to ease me into it as I hadn’t worked for twenty years, so that made me feel better. I did however have my worries the whole time, but this was something I really wanted to do, so I pushed them aside.Then I got my start date!

I was so excited! They started me off with a lot of breaks in between calls. So I thought I would be okay. Oh how I wrong I was. By the time I had my long break I knew I was in trouble. I rang the office and said I was worried again, but I’d make an appointment with my doctor for the afternoon and speak to them and see what they said. She told me not to do anything as it was my first day, but I was worried, I knew how much pain I was in, she didn’t.
I went to my doctor told her what was happening and she said Hayley, you cannot control your pain when you’re doing nothing?! And you want to do a physical job..  It’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse.

I knew she was right, so I went home and made the phone call to them to say I couldn’t do it and I was distraught. I got home and sobbed and sobbed, I was gutted. I then sent one of the girls in the office a message saying how sorry I was etc etc. And she said to me they had been talking and thought what about if I just did sits. And I thought about it and said yeah I could do that, it’s easy, you sit with someone while their family member goes and does what they need to, mini respite for a few hours. How hard could that be!?

marcel-pariseau-quote-she-cant-deal-with-it-any-moreIt started off okay, then slowly they were putting more on me, there was a couple I was looking after on the weekends, who had dementia, they both had different types. And boy was it hard.
I don’t need to go over all the hard stuff that happened, but the day I realised that I couldn’t do it, was a Sunday I was at this couples house, and I fell asleep at the kitchen table, it was only nodding off, but I knew something wasn’t right, that’s not what I do, I started to be sick, so after a while, I rang and asked if I could go home early, and they told me there was no way I could leave, so I left it a bit longer and then sent a text message to their daughter and asked if I could leave and hour early, she told me she would be down right away.

So I left early and went home and I slept til the Tuesday, turned out I had tonsillitis again for the third time in three months! I was completely wiped out for two whole weeks again. I was so unwell. But that Sunday that I left their home, I knew I couldn’t do this job, if I couldn’t go home to be ill when I needed to, then I couldn’t do the job! It was just killing me.

I was distraught. But what could I do?

So now I’ve learnt my lesson I am not ready for work yet. So I’m going to wait until they force me to go and they can find me a job that I am able to do!

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So of course all this sent me into a downward spiral, I thought I was ready, I thought I was picking my life back up, albeit twenty years later, with arthritis in both hips and my spine and having gone through weight loss service, my stomach and intestines removed, divorced to the husband I thought I would always be with and our twenty year anniversary being in April, I wasn’t coping well at all.cognitive-behavior-therapy-for-depression-in-older-adultsnorthrop-29-728

My food took a hit. I was just eating junk, no real food going in me and I didn’t care. I was starving myself again nutritionally, filling my face with junk like I did when I was 32 stone.

People think it’s easy. Stop eating lose weight. They have no idea it’s a mental issue, not a greed thing. No one can understand unless you have ever been obese. And even then, no one else has any idea of what is going on with you and how you got to be the size you did. There are usually stories for the reasons people gain huge amounts of weight and usually it is not down to just greed alone.  It is so much more complex than that.

6c850e64994c356a69b9dcabb060ddd4But people judge. And boy do they judge obesity. I think I have said it before, but I think the reason get so angry and annoyed at obesity is because it can happen to them, so easily, just one thing changing in their lives can send them into the same spiral that I found myself in twenty years ago. It’s so easy for it to happen. 1lb 7lbs 20lbs it’s so easy to creep up  because of one thing that happens in your life, or it could be a huge life changing thing that happens.  We just don’t know the future and what could happen.
And I think that is why people judge so harshly with obesity. 

So I got to a point where I was starting to feel my clothes getting tighter, I was ignoring it. I didn’t care I wanted junk and only junk! But I knew I was screwing myself over, how could I carry on with what I was doing! I’m going to ruin everything.

So last week I closed my eyes and stepped in the scales! I wanted to hurt myself so much! From my lowest, I was only there for a day, but two and a half stone back on!

Wtf wtf wtf!

Ugh guess what today is the start of.

Pouch reset time.

So the last time I did this, I went almost four weeks without eating I was so petrified of eating again, I couldn’t make myself eat not matter what I did. Even seeing the psychologist didn’t help. The only thing that made me eat again was getting tonsillitis, I think that was my body saying hey missy, eat or I’m going to give you and illness you have never had in your life before because your immune system is so low right now!

Yeah that made me eat again!

And God did I eat again! That was the start of me not stopping which was just intensified when I realised I couldn’t work!

So I started with the five day pouch test and oh dear it started again! I got scared of eating, only kept it kind of under control, day five I managed to force myself to eat a cheese omelette in the evening and today I have made food.  Good real food that my body needs, not junk, I think I needed that to make me think about the fact I actually needed protein and vegetables and all things a good healthy vegetarian needs!

How long it will last is anyone’s guess, but here I am trying and writing on my blog again. It’s always good to write here, I know I’m doing okay when I’m back.

So here I am eating good food, writing and hoping to continue on the good path, though this time next week I shall be on a 90s weekend in Butlins, so I might be on a very strict time limit! Ha

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Soon, with luck!

H x

 

Abso-fucking-lutely!

11 Feb

Well today was the day!
I got out and wasn’t sectioned! hahah

So I took a road trip today, another two hospital road trip with a guy who I have known for four days. More on him later!

Get to Morriston and go in and see Michelle and I explain to her my whole issue with hoarding and eating food, then I come on to my latest problem!
I haven’t eaten for 17 or 18 days now with the exception of Milk, protein powder, gum and now… wait for it!
RUSKS_VMIC_ORIGINALFarleys Rusks.
Yes those crunchy big biscuits for babies! How they hell they got into this no eating thing, I have no idea, but there we have it. Farleys Rusks, Hayleys food of choice!
After spending a very long hour, in which we discussed an awful lot including my marriage which made me cry when I realised how awful I had been to my ex husband, I had known this for a while, but speaking out loud, saying to someone that I would call him downstairs to get me another can of Pepsi Max from the kitchen which was probably twenty steps away, really upset me, if I had stayed being this me, the one who I was when we met, the one who I am again now after surgery, where could we have been, what could have happened to our lives if I had been normal! Who does that kind of thing. It was so selfish, everything was my way, he got a say in nothing and he always went along with it, no question because he loved me.
I think the relationship he is in now, might actually be the other way around and he is the more dominant one. I wish I had let us be equal and didn’t expect him to go out to work and provide for me and me do nothing, then when he came home, expected him to do everything else for me!
And I can’t even tell him how sorry I am.ab69b3f0b346ebfb002eccb61b2877a9
I’m not sure which is harder to deal with, knowing I destroyed our relationship and THEN ended it or not being able to say sorry for being the person I was and while being in control of him, I was in no way in control of myself!

It’s very hard to take now. But I have to move on.

So I’m thinking I have an issue with eating and she seems to think it’s not eating I have a problem with, I have gone weeks without eating proper food, I have gone up and down the sweet/crisp aisle dozens of times and I have not been affected by any of it, I do not want it. Which is always the case, even when I’m buying it, I stand there and wonder, what do I want, nothing in particular and also everything I can see, so I look and look and finally settle on something I think I might want!
quote-Jim-Evans-another-way-to-lose-control-is-to-83304So then I take that home and I feel the need to eat it all at once, or give it to my brother, because firstly there is guilt there because I bought it and secondly I didn’t want it anyway so I need to find a way to get it out of my house and the most obvious answer is to eat the damn stuff as fast as possible!
My problem is actually a fear of losing control of shopping.

How weird, yet it makes absolute sense.
I can go shopping and buy food and eat it perfectly fine when I am buying the right food for me, but I am actually petrified of being in the supermarket and losing control and buying the stuff I don’t actually want, then the whole cycle begins! Because that is the point I lose control, I can’t lose control when I’m sat at home thinking about it, as there is nothing in my house I can eat that will make me feel like that.
Food isn’t my problem (not in this case! clearly it has been!) but I am scared of losing control shopping!
So we came up with some ideas for me to counteract it and be back in control.
And I feel a whole lot better about the situation.
I may not be perfect straight away, but I will get there again and it’s made me feel so so so much better knowing I am not losing control of eating, I’m not eating so how can I be, I didn’t realise I actually have that under control! It’s a fear of shopping and losing control while I am there and there are so many ways I can prevent that now I feel alot better about the whole situation!
It’s funny as I wasn’t really expecting her to be able to help me that much and yet she really has. I guess these people have this job for a reason!

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Much more like it!

Last week I think I met three people three nights running and every single one of them told me I look so much prettier in real life than on my photos! It is still so hard for me to accept! I find it hard enough when people tell me I look pretty on my pics, i’m like wtf they looking at?! But then to be told it to my face is unreal and I still feel uncomfortable with it. I guess being a big fat blob for so long it will never feel any different.
However I cannot say it is not nice when I do hear it from someone!

The third person I met was only a last minute thing, someone cancelled on me and there was a guy I was talking to who lived close to me so I asked if he fancied going for a drive. He had said to me he was after nothing, so I thought why not!
I went and picked him and and we decided to go to the local services for a drink and I hadn’t shut up from the moment I picked him up!
When we got out of the car, something came to my mind so I said to him are you gay or bi, I have no idea why this even came to me, but he said yeah bi, I thought it was on my profile? I said I didn’t notice, which I hadn’t.
We sat there drinking and chatting for quite a while and we spoke about everything, nothing was off limits! And I was actually sad when I had to take him home. Next day I asked if he wanted to come for cuddles and a film and he said he would after work, this was all I wanted as I wasn’t sure how I felt about him being bisexual, so he turned up after work and I put a film on, but had to pause it as again we didn’t stop talking! A few hours later I said shall we go up to bed as my brother will be back soon and I knew he didn’t want to meet anyone yet, so we went upstairs and had a cuddle, movie on pause again and I looked up at him and I could see in his eyes he was desperate to kiss me! So I did.
Wow it was amazing and we did that for quite a while things progressed and stuff happens, but we didn’t have sex.

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Yeah defo!! <3

I had an amazing night, but on the way home I said to him, I really really don’t think you are actually in to women, and I explained my reasons for coming to this conclusion to him and he said to me he had never thought about it like that, but when I pointed it out to him it made perfect sense and he really needed to have a think about what he actually wanted!
The next day he told me he had come off all the dating apps as he needed to figure out what was going on and again he thanked me for making him look at things. He had never been in a relationship with a man, and he had been in a 17 month on off relationship with a girl.
But something just felt right with this guy, we have connected on such a level and we think each other are amazing, but we know thats it, we know we have a friendship for life and we will be very close! But then later that evening he messaged me and wasn’t quite sure how to put it, but the on/off ex had messaged him to tell him a one night stand she had told her he had chlamydia, she had told him there was no one else and they didn’t need to use condoms he was distraught in having to tell me and for himself, in finding out she had lied to him! But after my reaction he said I don’t even know why I worried as I forgot you are frigging awesome! So I said I would go to the clinic in the morning and did he want to come with, so he did and I told him to get everything done, including bloods. The chances of anything for me are extremely slim, I’m not worried we hardly touched. But I prefer being smart about sexual health!

So then we started our road trip to Swansea, normally I have to have the radio on loud, but yet again, talking was just too much, didn’t even listen to one song and we spoke the whole way there and back, I have no idea what we have left to talk about, but it seems like we have everything and nothing all at once and we just seem to make total sense with each other.

These words have so much meaning to me!

These words have so much meaning to me!

If I could bend him poker straight he would be my ideal guy. I abso-fucking-lutely love him!

He makes me so happy!

Valentines day is ours!

Oh I have also found one of the beautiful boys from butlins on one of these apps! AND he replied to my message!! :D

Soon

H x

417 day Checkup!

21 Oct

As I mentioned a few weeks a go I’ve been changing my antidepressants, I came of Citalopram and went onto Mirtazapine for one day until I realised it could put weight on quickly and then changed to Venlafaxine.

But all of them can affect both your weight and libido and I don’t want either of those to change, unless the weight is going down of course! That I can cope with lol

So I was looking into it and found Bupropion which has no adverse affects on either of those things. This is what I need in my life!

Only one problem.
It’s not prescribed in the UK for depression, only under the name Zyban to quit smoking.

Balls.
3438a328deada716677fc9f55787ad32So I had my work cut out for me! I went to the doctor last week and started on my persuasion technique! Which turned out to be amazing as he quite quickly agreed with me and prescribed me the bupropion for depression. So I have been on those the last week.I guess time will tell if they are working. He didn’t even know what dose to give me as there are no NICE guidelines for depression lol so we are just winging it right now and hoping for the best!

I was worried they had forgotten about me in Swansea and I was not going to get my years check up. But today I got to go over there to see how things are going.

Sadly I didn’t get to see Mr Barry, but I got to see Nia instead, all in their new building, which was very fancy, I had to scan my letter to say I was there, then you wait around and get called into another area of the hospital via a big tv screen. Was all different.

With my powers of persuasion with my GP I was ready to start with Mr Barry in the hopes I can get my legs done. I didn’t have much hope, but I had to give it a try, but with him not being there I had to talk to Nia instead, which as soon as I showed her, she agreed with me, she asked what else and looked at my tummy and pubis and arms. Shes going to send in the referral for it all, so I was very pleased with that.
il_214x170.828439432_1v0wShe told me that at first it would be declined, they always are, they then send a rejection letter to your doctor and you have to ask them to appeal. But whatever you do, do not use psychological issues for it, it has to be physical, infections etc, they will flat out refuse it always was psychological reasons, which is dumb as things like nose and boob jobs get done for that and it obviously does affect you in that way too. But having arthritis in both hips and spine is going to help with my case as it is pulling down and causing more pain.

I’m so excited to get the ball rolling on this! Maybe by 2017 I shall be excess skin free! Well hopefully on my legs and pubis at least!

She was very happy with my progress. I said I think I’m stuck now, but it’s hard to know what to do now as I didn’t get to see a surgeon, which is disappointing.
She said Mr Barry wanted her to ask me if I would talk to medical students in the future, which I said I would. She tells everyone I have a blog and I’m evangelical about the whole process, whatever the hell that means! lol

But I was happy with my visit today.

Let’s hope for an even better second year!

Soon

H x

rex-johnson-quote-lets-put-it-this-way-its-been-a-good-year

I was right!

18 Oct

Back at the gym two weeks this week.
Although I haven’t done as much as I would like, for one I’m still a tiny bit scared of hurting myself and two my youngest brothers car has been in the garage for a week and a half so I was taking him back and fourth to work, so it completely cut into my day and stopped me going to classes.
I am done with that now, I’m such a great sister! So hoping this week I can do more at the gym and start enjoying it more.

2015-10-04 11.33.39 2015-10-04 11.33.20I bought my first ever full length mirror the other week as well. I have never in my whole life owned one. It’s very surreal looking in it and seeing my reflection, I have to keep going there just to look at myself. I have no clue what I look like even when I’m actually looking at myself.

I went to a surprise party last night. A family friend is terminal and her daughter arranged a party for her, it was so nice and a complete surprise for her, but she loved it. It’s horiffic how skinny she is. She doesn’t have an ounce of fat on her body. She has had a roux-en-y only hers is for the original reason it was developed. Cancer. She hasn’t been able to eat for weeks now. It’s heartbreaking and as she has already had stretches and a stent, I don’t think there is anything they can do for her. She’s just wasting away. It’s such a shame. Having that operatioin has saved my life. For her, although it has given her a few extra years with her family, it’s now (along with the cancer!) killing her.

People telling me how amazing I looked and where had I gone, is still so hard to accept though. I don’t feel it. I still see me as 440 odd pounds. As soon as I walk away from the mirror, thats it. I’m huge again! It’s sureal. Men talking to me is also very awkward, I had it all night and I feel like such a fraud. When we walked in, this georgous guy started talking to me. Then I lost him. So I am so going back there sometime to try and find him again! hahah

Speaking of guys.

This post has been on my mind lately, in particular this sentence;

Never mind I have unmatched from him, deleted the app and his number and I shall forget he ever existed.
Although weirdly I noticed he looked at my messages at 7am this morning!
You WILL miss me maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow! But I am good enough to miss.. eventually! :p

I got a message, well quite a few of them last Wednesday asking how I was and apologising to me for what happened and ignoring me. Saying he went about it all the wrong way and shouldn’t have done it. He was afraid of getting into a relationship which he didn’t want. I told him it was fine and that was that. Then I got another message from him on Friday and he ended coming over for a few hours and we had a nice time. Talked alot! Which was interesting to say the least.

We still don’t want a relationship, but it is what it is. He is awful at messaging, but I accept that now and just leave him be. He knows where I am.

So I guess I am worth missing after all! Or at least part of me is :D

0cf13db6706ad63f4cbf25b8a4cea271

Lets NOT eat!

23 Sep

Today was a hard day.

My beautiful niece was six and my brother decided to take her to Kaspas in Cardiff. It’s a dessert restaurant and I wanted to go to celebrate with them all.

But I did not anticipate how hard it was going to be! Everything looked at smelled amazing and they were all eating and I sat there with nothing, but I made it through, I might not have been the most sociable person there, but I got out the other side and didn’t have anything, I’m so good these days at going to a restaurant and just eating nothing, no one questions me. They might if I went in there alone and just sat there though hmm maybe I’ll try it! haha

But I seriously don’t think I will ever put myself through something like that again, it really isnt worth the mental torture.

I’m still going strong with low carbs, obvs, or I would have eaten one or at least some of those delicious desserts that were tempting me. I’m so pleased with myself.

I am getting a little bit unsure over what to eat now, its omelette, cheese, eggs and quorn, it gets a bit boring! I look at Pinterest, but when you have to work out all the macros, it can get a bit tedious.

In other news, I’ve kind of met someone who is really rather quite nice too.
I met him for the first time the other evening and we had a really nice night. I can’t see it going very far, but it’s given me confidence again, which is what I needed after the last disaster!
And I really need to stop worrying about my body, if you meet the right person, none of it matters and they can actually make you feel amazing. Some people just really don’t care about the things you think are a deal breaker!

I did however speak to my doctor the other day about my legs. He said to speak to the surgeon, which I guessed he would. He said the chances of getting it done without paying for it, is slim. I had a feeling that would happen. I obviously will talk to them the next time I go there (if I ever get a letter asking me again!) as it is affecting me, they’re in the way. I don’t want them to look perfect, I want them to not have fat pockets rubbing together getting in the way.

I also decided to get my bloods done on my own and my parathyroid is raised again, having it retested again tomorrow, but I can’t see it changing as it’s been like that since the last time I was tested.

Not completely sure what this means, I think it mean’s I’m lacking calcium, however that is a normal number, so very weird!

Soon

H x

lou-holtz-quote

Week down

21 Sep

Last monday I started low carb properly. I have been in ketosis, well I am assuming I am thanks to Ketostix, but not completely sure!

Oh how true!

Oh how true!

I have kept under 20g of carbs most days, there may have been one or two below 25, but never above for the last week. I think I am still struggling a bit. The scales are not moving at al, which of course discourages you, but I am not going to give up yet. But there is one thing I have given up.. milk! It’s still killing me, but the lovely people at my local Costa are allowing me to bring in unsweetened Soya milk, so I can still kind of have a latte, its not the same as milk, not even close, but it’s better than nothing and I get to go to my fave place still! They are not meant to do 8e3b133044ffd295d37fa042418d8e5bit, but as I’m there all the time and bring everyone, they are allowing me to do it.

What can I say? They love me!

I was hoping to be discharged from the district nurse today, but I forgot I had to go for a diabetic retinopathy screening, so I had to cancel and she should come tomorrow, so fingers crossed I get freedom.

Which means… Gym, I should be able to go back this week and I cannot wait.

It’s been six long weeks of healing and no exercise and I am ready to get sweaty again.

I haven’t really got much to update at the moment, things are pretty quiet with me not being able to do much. I did drive to Liverpool last weekend and had the best slice of pizza I have ever tasted. Thank you Matthew, I waited almost four years and constantly being told how great it was and he was bloody right! I enjoyed every mouthful.

Now how to recreate it keto style! lol

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I need more FAT!!! Less Protein and I’m under on carbs!!! What do I dooooo?!

Out of the Darkness!

16 Aug

So I woke up on my tummy in the middle of the night!

Oops.

It’s the only way I can really sleep, so it’s inevitable I will find myself that way at some point, just didn’t want it to be so soon!

It was actually quite comfortable, the only time I’m in pain is when I try and turn over, so I just stayed like it, and wiggled! I’m a strange sleeper :p

LUSH!!

LUSH!!

I gave up with the dressings, it doesn’t look too bad. No stitches, looks like they used glue, it’s very hot and hard to touch all around there and the bruising is coming up nicely now. But I think I’m going to survive and at least no more emergency trips to the hospital at the most awkward times! Yay!.. or maybe I would have been better staying in the hospital at those times! My life would have been so much less complicated if I had :)

My sister is off to Harry Potter World tomorrow, I so so so want to go driving down there with her, I love that drive so much, but only bad memories are there now. She is going with her ex boyfriend. They arranged it when they were together, but have recently split, luckily they are remaining friends, which I think is the way it should be. No need for nastiness and bitterness, especially when it’s not deserved.

I’ve finally figured out my macros for ketosis! But the thought of weighing and measuring every single thing really puts me off. Clare said to just keep the carbs under 20 and it will be ok. I am still working on it!

freeAt the moment I am not being good with food at all. I’m really annoyed with myself as I should be eating right to help with the healing, especially protein, but I’m not. So as soon as I’m better I am going to go hard on this. No lattes, no carbs at all. I did it a year ago to get surgery, I can do it again. I know what to eat and I know how easy it is after the first few days. Just got to get my head back into it. It’s great when the food cravings go away. You feel free from food.

Also yesterday I felt free in other ways. Like everything I have been feeling lately just lifted! It was an amazing feeling and I’m so glad I’m out of it. Never will I get myself into a situation like that again. My life is moving forward, not backward or standing still. I was in such a dark place for a few weeks, but instantly everything changed. When you realise you are so much better than what people wanted you to believe you are free of them and their negativity.

I am so happy in myself right now and maybe you do have to get to your lowest point to realise this and boy was I there, but now I feel amazing and nothing is going to take that away from me again.

Try your best

Free

Soon

H x

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my big fat 6 pack in 6 weeks challenge

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