Tag Archives: antidepressant

Emotions Everywhere and I’m Starting to Care!

5 Jun

So so much has happened since I last posted. It’s been surreal.

So I started work the following morning, it was damn hard but I enjoyed it, the things I saw were heartbreaking and very emotional. I watched as Rosie did everything and helped when I could. The next day was my turn to do everything, by our second call I thought I was dying, this lady I was with, was 47, two years ago, she had a tumor removed in her pituitary gland, that night she had a stroke. Her left arm is stuck at a 90 degree angle and her legs are massive with cellulitis and are rock hard, it’s such a sad thing, but after dealing with all that, I was dying! From that moment on I was on a downward spiral all day, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. By the time we got to a call, where I could see the woman didn’t have more than 24h to live, which broke my heart as it reminded me of my nan. I knew I couldn’t carry on, I was sick and dizzy and just not well at all! So I told Rosie I had to go home.
6093a188adddb804794445bb261bf32dI thought about what I was going to do, I knew with all my issues and now with my random sickness I get, I was confused. I really wanted this job, I was desperate for it, but could I actually physically do it?
I waited for my references to come through, and spoke to them about my concerns and they told me that they were going to ease me into it as I hadn’t worked for twenty years, so that made me feel better. I did however have my worries the whole time, but this was something I really wanted to do, so I pushed them aside.Then I got my start date!

I was so excited! They started me off with a lot of breaks in between calls. So I thought I would be okay. Oh how I wrong I was. By the time I had my long break I knew I was in trouble. I rang the office and said I was worried again, but I’d make an appointment with my doctor for the afternoon and speak to them and see what they said. She told me not to do anything as it was my first day, but I was worried, I knew how much pain I was in, she didn’t.
I went to my doctor told her what was happening and she said Hayley, you cannot control your pain when you’re doing nothing?! And you want to do a physical job..  It’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse.

I knew she was right, so I went home and made the phone call to them to say I couldn’t do it and I was distraught. I got home and sobbed and sobbed, I was gutted. I then sent one of the girls in the office a message saying how sorry I was etc etc. And she said to me they had been talking and thought what about if I just did sits. And I thought about it and said yeah I could do that, it’s easy, you sit with someone while their family member goes and does what they need to, mini respite for a few hours. How hard could that be!?

marcel-pariseau-quote-she-cant-deal-with-it-any-moreIt started off okay, then slowly they were putting more on me, there was a couple I was looking after on the weekends, who had dementia, they both had different types. And boy was it hard.
I don’t need to go over all the hard stuff that happened, but the day I realised that I couldn’t do it, was a Sunday I was at this couples house, and I fell asleep at the kitchen table, it was only nodding off, but I knew something wasn’t right, that’s not what I do, I started to be sick, so after a while, I rang and asked if I could go home early, and they told me there was no way I could leave, so I left it a bit longer and then sent a text message to their daughter and asked if I could leave and hour early, she told me she would be down right away.

So I left early and went home and I slept til the Tuesday, turned out I had tonsillitis again for the third time in three months! I was completely wiped out for two whole weeks again. I was so unwell. But that Sunday that I left their home, I knew I couldn’t do this job, if I couldn’t go home to be ill when I needed to, then I couldn’t do the job! It was just killing me.

I was distraught. But what could I do?

So now I’ve learnt my lesson I am not ready for work yet. So I’m going to wait until they force me to go and they can find me a job that I am able to do!

lifequotereadyywordsreadyself-f328c461653099edcae633901fafed77_h

So of course all this sent me into a downward spiral, I thought I was ready, I thought I was picking my life back up, albeit twenty years later, with arthritis in both hips and my spine and having gone through weight loss service, my stomach and intestines removed, divorced to the husband I thought I would always be with and our twenty year anniversary being in April, I wasn’t coping well at all.cognitive-behavior-therapy-for-depression-in-older-adultsnorthrop-29-728

My food took a hit. I was just eating junk, no real food going in me and I didn’t care. I was starving myself again nutritionally, filling my face with junk like I did when I was 32 stone.

People think it’s easy. Stop eating lose weight. They have no idea it’s a mental issue, not a greed thing. No one can understand unless you have ever been obese. And even then, no one else has any idea of what is going on with you and how you got to be the size you did. There are usually stories for the reasons people gain huge amounts of weight and usually it is not down to just greed alone.  It is so much more complex than that.

6c850e64994c356a69b9dcabb060ddd4But people judge. And boy do they judge obesity. I think I have said it before, but I think the reason get so angry and annoyed at obesity is because it can happen to them, so easily, just one thing changing in their lives can send them into the same spiral that I found myself in twenty years ago. It’s so easy for it to happen. 1lb 7lbs 20lbs it’s so easy to creep up  because of one thing that happens in your life, or it could be a huge life changing thing that happens.  We just don’t know the future and what could happen.
And I think that is why people judge so harshly with obesity. 

So I got to a point where I was starting to feel my clothes getting tighter, I was ignoring it. I didn’t care I wanted junk and only junk! But I knew I was screwing myself over, how could I carry on with what I was doing! I’m going to ruin everything.

So last week I closed my eyes and stepped in the scales! I wanted to hurt myself so much! From my lowest, I was only there for a day, but two and a half stone back on!

Wtf wtf wtf!

Ugh guess what today is the start of.

Pouch reset time.

So the last time I did this, I went almost four weeks without eating I was so petrified of eating again, I couldn’t make myself eat not matter what I did. Even seeing the psychologist didn’t help. The only thing that made me eat again was getting tonsillitis, I think that was my body saying hey missy, eat or I’m going to give you and illness you have never had in your life before because your immune system is so low right now!

Yeah that made me eat again!

And God did I eat again! That was the start of me not stopping which was just intensified when I realised I couldn’t work!

So I started with the five day pouch test and oh dear it started again! I got scared of eating, only kept it kind of under control, day five I managed to force myself to eat a cheese omelette in the evening and today I have made food.  Good real food that my body needs, not junk, I think I needed that to make me think about the fact I actually needed protein and vegetables and all things a good healthy vegetarian needs!

How long it will last is anyone’s guess, but here I am trying and writing on my blog again. It’s always good to write here, I know I’m doing okay when I’m back.

So here I am eating good food, writing and hoping to continue on the good path, though this time next week I shall be on a 90s weekend in Butlins, so I might be on a very strict time limit! Ha

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Soon, with luck!

H x

 

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Time sink

7 Aug

So I’ve been off Facebook for most of this week. I went back for a day or two, but have left again and I now realise how much time I’ve spent on there. You don’t think you do, but apparently that’s not true in my case.

My fingers and mind have nothing to do lol I had alot of news likes on there and it was easy to read and now I can’t see it, it feels like too much effort to go to each site to find it all. I liked having it all there in front of me.

So what to do now?

Without my Facebook AND friends this week I need to find a new way to entertain myself. Maybe I will get lost in Pinterest or YouTube.

I do have one idea, thats already been put into motion and I am hugely proud of myself for it. Only one person knows I’ve done this, so if nothing happens, it doesn’t matter as that person is now irrelevant in my life.

I do have high hopes though and it will take away my boredom issue instantly!

sad-quotes-about-life27Trust.

I’ve been thinking alot about it lately.

It’s a funny little thing. When you meet someone it’s kind of implicitly given. There is no communication about it, it just happens.
And it grows.
But when that is broken and the bond is gone, no matter what you do, it can never ever be the same. The connection is damaged, you can try and work around it, or over it or even with it, but in those moments when you don’t know where or what that person is doing, will you ever feel truly comfortable again?
It applies to both friendships and relationships.

I’m at a point where I need to make a decision to move forward or go back to something I once trusted completely, but was betrayed. Is it worth it? Will it bring back more bad memories than I really need to deal with right now. In one way it is tempting, because there were some very happy times, but in another I want to run away from it and never think about it again!

So many decisions right now.

some-of-the-best-moments-in-life-are-the-ones-you-cant-tell-anyone-about-quote-1I have been worried about this medication all night, so I rang the doctors this morning and he got back to me a few hours ago and has agreed to change it over for me, nearly made me go back on citalopram, but I managed to get out of that. I do have my reasons for not going back on that, lets just say I forgot what I was missing until I had it back again and I don’t want to lose it ever again!

I have a friend who has been on alot of this medication, shes on antipsychotics, antidepressants, mood stabilizers etc how she functions I’ll never know, so we were sat having a coffee after our gym session earlier and she was going through all of them telling me what her experience was with them and which might be good for me!
She thinks it’s better to try and get back on something now before I end up too low and its harder to get back out of bad place. I agree with her, but there is also a tiny part of me that doesn’t want to go back on them
Yesterday I was feeling alot better in the evening, but I had taken something and was on morphine, so was it a psychological thing? Have I just decided I’m not going to let others affect me and how I feel as no matter what they have said to me, they are not in my head and they don’t know whats going on and why I do what I do or do I just not give a damn anymore.things_end,_people-119994
If you can’t understand me, or even accept what I do, then I don’t need you and I am better off without you. It’s funny though, people don’t want to be in my life, yet here they are reading my blog! How funny. Yes I can see you :)

Anyway, I guess I either have to limit what I say, change blogs or give up altogether, not decided yet.

Back to the gym!

And to get my HAPPY pills!

Soon.

Maybe :)

H x

To Mr Smith.. who I once knew.. but which one? :D

To Mr Smith.. who I once knew.. but which one? :D

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