Tag Archives: arthritis

Emotions Everywhere and I’m Starting to Care!

5 Jun

So so much has happened since I last posted. It’s been surreal.

So I started work the following morning, it was damn hard but I enjoyed it, the things I saw were heartbreaking and very emotional. I watched as Rosie did everything and helped when I could. The next day was my turn to do everything, by our second call I thought I was dying, this lady I was with, was 47, two years ago, she had a tumor removed in her pituitary gland, that night she had a stroke. Her left arm is stuck at a 90 degree angle and her legs are massive with cellulitis and are rock hard, it’s such a sad thing, but after dealing with all that, I was dying! From that moment on I was on a downward spiral all day, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. By the time we got to a call, where I could see the woman didn’t have more than 24h to live, which broke my heart as it reminded me of my nan. I knew I couldn’t carry on, I was sick and dizzy and just not well at all! So I told Rosie I had to go home.
6093a188adddb804794445bb261bf32dI thought about what I was going to do, I knew with all my issues and now with my random sickness I get, I was confused. I really wanted this job, I was desperate for it, but could I actually physically do it?
I waited for my references to come through, and spoke to them about my concerns and they told me that they were going to ease me into it as I hadn’t worked for twenty years, so that made me feel better. I did however have my worries the whole time, but this was something I really wanted to do, so I pushed them aside.Then I got my start date!

I was so excited! They started me off with a lot of breaks in between calls. So I thought I would be okay. Oh how I wrong I was. By the time I had my long break I knew I was in trouble. I rang the office and said I was worried again, but I’d make an appointment with my doctor for the afternoon and speak to them and see what they said. She told me not to do anything as it was my first day, but I was worried, I knew how much pain I was in, she didn’t.
I went to my doctor told her what was happening and she said Hayley, you cannot control your pain when you’re doing nothing?! And you want to do a physical job..  It’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse.

I knew she was right, so I went home and made the phone call to them to say I couldn’t do it and I was distraught. I got home and sobbed and sobbed, I was gutted. I then sent one of the girls in the office a message saying how sorry I was etc etc. And she said to me they had been talking and thought what about if I just did sits. And I thought about it and said yeah I could do that, it’s easy, you sit with someone while their family member goes and does what they need to, mini respite for a few hours. How hard could that be!?

marcel-pariseau-quote-she-cant-deal-with-it-any-moreIt started off okay, then slowly they were putting more on me, there was a couple I was looking after on the weekends, who had dementia, they both had different types. And boy was it hard.
I don’t need to go over all the hard stuff that happened, but the day I realised that I couldn’t do it, was a Sunday I was at this couples house, and I fell asleep at the kitchen table, it was only nodding off, but I knew something wasn’t right, that’s not what I do, I started to be sick, so after a while, I rang and asked if I could go home early, and they told me there was no way I could leave, so I left it a bit longer and then sent a text message to their daughter and asked if I could leave and hour early, she told me she would be down right away.

So I left early and went home and I slept til the Tuesday, turned out I had tonsillitis again for the third time in three months! I was completely wiped out for two whole weeks again. I was so unwell. But that Sunday that I left their home, I knew I couldn’t do this job, if I couldn’t go home to be ill when I needed to, then I couldn’t do the job! It was just killing me.

I was distraught. But what could I do?

So now I’ve learnt my lesson I am not ready for work yet. So I’m going to wait until they force me to go and they can find me a job that I am able to do!


So of course all this sent me into a downward spiral, I thought I was ready, I thought I was picking my life back up, albeit twenty years later, with arthritis in both hips and my spine and having gone through weight loss service, my stomach and intestines removed, divorced to the husband I thought I would always be with and our twenty year anniversary being in April, I wasn’t coping well at all.cognitive-behavior-therapy-for-depression-in-older-adultsnorthrop-29-728

My food took a hit. I was just eating junk, no real food going in me and I didn’t care. I was starving myself again nutritionally, filling my face with junk like I did when I was 32 stone.

People think it’s easy. Stop eating lose weight. They have no idea it’s a mental issue, not a greed thing. No one can understand unless you have ever been obese. And even then, no one else has any idea of what is going on with you and how you got to be the size you did. There are usually stories for the reasons people gain huge amounts of weight and usually it is not down to just greed alone.  It is so much more complex than that.

6c850e64994c356a69b9dcabb060ddd4But people judge. And boy do they judge obesity. I think I have said it before, but I think the reason get so angry and annoyed at obesity is because it can happen to them, so easily, just one thing changing in their lives can send them into the same spiral that I found myself in twenty years ago. It’s so easy for it to happen. 1lb 7lbs 20lbs it’s so easy to creep up  because of one thing that happens in your life, or it could be a huge life changing thing that happens.  We just don’t know the future and what could happen.
And I think that is why people judge so harshly with obesity. 

So I got to a point where I was starting to feel my clothes getting tighter, I was ignoring it. I didn’t care I wanted junk and only junk! But I knew I was screwing myself over, how could I carry on with what I was doing! I’m going to ruin everything.

So last week I closed my eyes and stepped in the scales! I wanted to hurt myself so much! From my lowest, I was only there for a day, but two and a half stone back on!

Wtf wtf wtf!

Ugh guess what today is the start of.

Pouch reset time.

So the last time I did this, I went almost four weeks without eating I was so petrified of eating again, I couldn’t make myself eat not matter what I did. Even seeing the psychologist didn’t help. The only thing that made me eat again was getting tonsillitis, I think that was my body saying hey missy, eat or I’m going to give you and illness you have never had in your life before because your immune system is so low right now!

Yeah that made me eat again!

And God did I eat again! That was the start of me not stopping which was just intensified when I realised I couldn’t work!

So I started with the five day pouch test and oh dear it started again! I got scared of eating, only kept it kind of under control, day five I managed to force myself to eat a cheese omelette in the evening and today I have made food.  Good real food that my body needs, not junk, I think I needed that to make me think about the fact I actually needed protein and vegetables and all things a good healthy vegetarian needs!

How long it will last is anyone’s guess, but here I am trying and writing on my blog again. It’s always good to write here, I know I’m doing okay when I’m back.

So here I am eating good food, writing and hoping to continue on the good path, though this time next week I shall be on a 90s weekend in Butlins, so I might be on a very strict time limit! Ha

29-6390790s reloaded

Soon, with luck!

H x



Who is SHE?!

22 Feb

I got up yesterday and knew I wanted to go for a walk. I got the dogs ready, much to their excitement and off we went towards the Abbey.

This image makes me laugh! Coaches?! Do they wrap around the tree!

This image makes me laugh! Coaches?! Do they wrap around the tree!

I love it there. As I was walking I was thinking about how different life is, and how much I am enjoying just walking. For three years the furthest I would go was from my bed, where my pc was to the bathroom, probably 15 steps in total, I didn’t even go downstairs! Now I am out walking just because I can, for no other reason, it feels so wonderful, I walked 7.5 miles yesterday and over 17,000 steps. I then came home and walked to town. I really don’t know who I am, but I’m liking it!

2015-02-21 13.31.20

Happiness is a lower number on here!

When I came home from the first four mile walk, I was greeted with this little lovely. The last time I weighed in this stone bracket was sometime in 2003, I wasn’t there long before all the 7 stone I lost went back on and five stone more! I was devestated. But here it is again, now just to get lower and lower. I am in alot of pain with all this extra movment, when I found out about the arthritis the doctor asked me if I had pain down my leg with it and when I said no, he said I was lucky, but something is going on with it now. I have a radiating pain deep in my right leg, thighish area that I feel down into my calf and my foot. I get it when I’m walking and then it wakes me up most nights as well and I have to move to try and get back to sleep, its so very painful. But I did have a letter asking me to phone the hospital to make an appoinment, which I’m guessing is for the injections into my spine to stop it, so first thing tomorrow that is what I’m going to be doing, right before my driving lesson (can’t be many more before I go for my test!).

Who am I?

Who am I?

I have alot to do this week, but hoping I find to get out and do some walking, I was feeling a bit sad I couldn’t go today, it was ranining so bad and I really wanted to go out, but hoping the second half of the week will allow me to get out and walk with my baby girls. So right now in the words of Nikki Graham “Who is she?, Who is she?, WHO IS SHE?!” Soon H x

Teenager AGAIN!

19 Feb
Happiness is this!

Happiness is this!

Upped my protein and water yesterday and woke up to this!

I have not been this happy for a long time. Only just into the teens, but it’s bloody in there!

Soon H x

Waiting for my bed!

9 Sep

It’s going to be a very long night.
I was told to come in ASAP as I had a bed. So we all got in the car and off we went. Got here and was told the woman was still in my bed, but was waiting to be transferred to another hospital. We walked to the canteen to wait but I told my family they could go, but my sister said I should check first.
Went back to ward to be told the lady was too unstable to be moved 😞 so no bed, but they were looking for one.
They came back a little later to say I had a bed in four hours, so I’m sitting here waiting now to go to the other ward and get my bed.

My tummy keeps flipping and I’m so uncomfortable with my spine. How does everyone make it through this bit!



20 Jun

I didn’t do what I said I was going to do, however I did stick to no carbs or very low I should say, and I had a good week again, 8lb loss.

Was very pleased with it, but I’ve gone terrible this week again, seems if I do a good low carb week, I can’t cope with it all the week after and go a bit junk crazy :( Ah well, as long as I don’t give up I can keep going down even if I have a gain this week, next week will be better.

I had a reply from Nia, to an email I sent her, I did ring her and she didn’t seem too happy and I couldn’t hear her very well so I emailed her to apologise  and I got this back;

Don’t worry Hayley. I wouldn’t let you miss your appointments….I’d be knocking your front door first!!.


Hoping to plan the August list when Mr Barry returns from leave at the end of next week so fingers crossed, you’ll have a date then. xxx

So I am feeling very optimistic. Whether that’s being naïve on my part I don’t know, but I want to hope it’s true and I get a nice letter with a pre-op date soon.

In non surgery news I have a date for my MRI/CT (not entirely sure which one I’m getting) scan for next Wednesday, for my spine, I cannot wait for that, I am in constant pain with it, getting up from a sitting position is getting harder and harder, so would really like some good medication for it and to know once and for all if I have arthritis in my spine as well as my hips!


Oooh I was in Morrisons today and I was paying for a pot of tea and the woman told me I had such a smiley face, she said it was very open or something, I think it was a new way to tell me I was fat! hahaha

H x

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