Tag Archives: Cath Kidston

Emotions Everywhere and I’m Starting to Care!

5 Jun

So so much has happened since I last posted. It’s been surreal.

So I started work the following morning, it was damn hard but I enjoyed it, the things I saw were heartbreaking and very emotional. I watched as Rosie did everything and helped when I could. The next day was my turn to do everything, by our second call I thought I was dying, this lady I was with, was 47, two years ago, she had a tumor removed in her pituitary gland, that night she had a stroke. Her left arm is stuck at a 90 degree angle and her legs are massive with cellulitis and are rock hard, it’s such a sad thing, but after dealing with all that, I was dying! From that moment on I was on a downward spiral all day, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. By the time we got to a call, where I could see the woman didn’t have more than 24h to live, which broke my heart as it reminded me of my nan. I knew I couldn’t carry on, I was sick and dizzy and just not well at all! So I told Rosie I had to go home.
6093a188adddb804794445bb261bf32dI thought about what I was going to do, I knew with all my issues and now with my random sickness I get, I was confused. I really wanted this job, I was desperate for it, but could I actually physically do it?
I waited for my references to come through, and spoke to them about my concerns and they told me that they were going to ease me into it as I hadn’t worked for twenty years, so that made me feel better. I did however have my worries the whole time, but this was something I really wanted to do, so I pushed them aside.Then I got my start date!

I was so excited! They started me off with a lot of breaks in between calls. So I thought I would be okay. Oh how I wrong I was. By the time I had my long break I knew I was in trouble. I rang the office and said I was worried again, but I’d make an appointment with my doctor for the afternoon and speak to them and see what they said. She told me not to do anything as it was my first day, but I was worried, I knew how much pain I was in, she didn’t.
I went to my doctor told her what was happening and she said Hayley, you cannot control your pain when you’re doing nothing?! And you want to do a physical job..  It’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse.

I knew she was right, so I went home and made the phone call to them to say I couldn’t do it and I was distraught. I got home and sobbed and sobbed, I was gutted. I then sent one of the girls in the office a message saying how sorry I was etc etc. And she said to me they had been talking and thought what about if I just did sits. And I thought about it and said yeah I could do that, it’s easy, you sit with someone while their family member goes and does what they need to, mini respite for a few hours. How hard could that be!?

marcel-pariseau-quote-she-cant-deal-with-it-any-moreIt started off okay, then slowly they were putting more on me, there was a couple I was looking after on the weekends, who had dementia, they both had different types. And boy was it hard.
I don’t need to go over all the hard stuff that happened, but the day I realised that I couldn’t do it, was a Sunday I was at this couples house, and I fell asleep at the kitchen table, it was only nodding off, but I knew something wasn’t right, that’s not what I do, I started to be sick, so after a while, I rang and asked if I could go home early, and they told me there was no way I could leave, so I left it a bit longer and then sent a text message to their daughter and asked if I could leave and hour early, she told me she would be down right away.

So I left early and went home and I slept til the Tuesday, turned out I had tonsillitis again for the third time in three months! I was completely wiped out for two whole weeks again. I was so unwell. But that Sunday that I left their home, I knew I couldn’t do this job, if I couldn’t go home to be ill when I needed to, then I couldn’t do the job! It was just killing me.

I was distraught. But what could I do?

So now I’ve learnt my lesson I am not ready for work yet. So I’m going to wait until they force me to go and they can find me a job that I am able to do!


So of course all this sent me into a downward spiral, I thought I was ready, I thought I was picking my life back up, albeit twenty years later, with arthritis in both hips and my spine and having gone through weight loss service, my stomach and intestines removed, divorced to the husband I thought I would always be with and our twenty year anniversary being in April, I wasn’t coping well at all.cognitive-behavior-therapy-for-depression-in-older-adultsnorthrop-29-728

My food took a hit. I was just eating junk, no real food going in me and I didn’t care. I was starving myself again nutritionally, filling my face with junk like I did when I was 32 stone.

People think it’s easy. Stop eating lose weight. They have no idea it’s a mental issue, not a greed thing. No one can understand unless you have ever been obese. And even then, no one else has any idea of what is going on with you and how you got to be the size you did. There are usually stories for the reasons people gain huge amounts of weight and usually it is not down to just greed alone.  It is so much more complex than that.

6c850e64994c356a69b9dcabb060ddd4But people judge. And boy do they judge obesity. I think I have said it before, but I think the reason get so angry and annoyed at obesity is because it can happen to them, so easily, just one thing changing in their lives can send them into the same spiral that I found myself in twenty years ago. It’s so easy for it to happen. 1lb 7lbs 20lbs it’s so easy to creep up  because of one thing that happens in your life, or it could be a huge life changing thing that happens.  We just don’t know the future and what could happen.
And I think that is why people judge so harshly with obesity. 

So I got to a point where I was starting to feel my clothes getting tighter, I was ignoring it. I didn’t care I wanted junk and only junk! But I knew I was screwing myself over, how could I carry on with what I was doing! I’m going to ruin everything.

So last week I closed my eyes and stepped in the scales! I wanted to hurt myself so much! From my lowest, I was only there for a day, but two and a half stone back on!

Wtf wtf wtf!

Ugh guess what today is the start of.

Pouch reset time.

So the last time I did this, I went almost four weeks without eating I was so petrified of eating again, I couldn’t make myself eat not matter what I did. Even seeing the psychologist didn’t help. The only thing that made me eat again was getting tonsillitis, I think that was my body saying hey missy, eat or I’m going to give you and illness you have never had in your life before because your immune system is so low right now!

Yeah that made me eat again!

And God did I eat again! That was the start of me not stopping which was just intensified when I realised I couldn’t work!

So I started with the five day pouch test and oh dear it started again! I got scared of eating, only kept it kind of under control, day five I managed to force myself to eat a cheese omelette in the evening and today I have made food.  Good real food that my body needs, not junk, I think I needed that to make me think about the fact I actually needed protein and vegetables and all things a good healthy vegetarian needs!

How long it will last is anyone’s guess, but here I am trying and writing on my blog again. It’s always good to write here, I know I’m doing okay when I’m back.

So here I am eating good food, writing and hoping to continue on the good path, though this time next week I shall be on a 90s weekend in Butlins, so I might be on a very strict time limit! Ha

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Soon, with luck!

H x



Not too late!

17 Jul

CKEeek I ordered a new bag  but not the one I wanted :( maybe I’ll get that one when it’s back in stock. This one I’m going to use when I go back into hospital, the last one was way too big! It’s so cute, very similar to the bag and purse I’m using now, but… different lol

Had a surreal experience when I was out shopping in Asda earlier. I saw some skinny jeans for £10 and thought I wanted some.

So picked up a 22 and a 22/24 and decided to try them on, something I don’t normally do. I was expecting them not to fit. I tried them both on and they were huge! I thought I was dreaming. I wanted to stand there and cry. I didn’t though. The 20 was also too big, but they didn’t have an 18 in that style, so silly me picked up an 18 in a different style, but I didn’t try them on and just took them home. I guess I knew I would be pushing it with those and I was! They don’t fit.. yet, but it’s ok, to be able to go into Asda and know some of the clothes are too big for me now is a great feeling, I never imagined this could happen.

It’s wonderful.

I know I’m not being the best I can be, but I am going in the right direction. One day it’s all going to fit together. I am trying my best though.. most of the time.

I love this quote, will I be the person I would have been if none of this had happened to me? Probably not, but I can still be who I was meant to be, because this is obviously what was meant to happen. So I will be me and it’s not too late!

I look forward to meeting who I will be!



H x

Another year?

15 Jul

Looks like I’ve been here eight years today!

Yay me!

Not my image as you can read! But ooooh cake!

Not my image as you can read! But ooooh cake!

Though my blog did start out as updates for the things I made (must be signed in to see – Adult themed!!) in Second Life so it is now completely different!

As you might have guessed by my ever-so-cheery post I am not post op, nor will I be any time today.

Woke up at half six, well I had woken up many times before that, I hardly slept last night and around 5am my neck was itching like crazy for some odd reason, it was so bad I got up went downstairs to find some E45 itch relief cream and plastered it all over my neck, have no idea why, I had taken off the necklace that Rob bought me ready for surgery, but that would be the opposite cause an itch? lol

My dad was ringing just as the alarm went off, because he always seems to “forget” time, and tries to get where ever he needs to about three hours early, so he was like “oh I thought you had to be there at 7” ugh no dad, you know you had to be at mine for 7 not half 6!

Get there and am told that my name is not on the ward waiting list, oh fun! Did I turn up on the wrong day, I never had a letter, so it’s quite possible, so she checks the computer and said nope defo not there.. oh fab

She checks the surgeons list and I’m on it for the afternoon, I’m not losing it after all. No idea why I’m not on the ward list, seeing as that is the most important part, well in the sense of “I need a damn bed right now!” Of course I need to be on surgeons list or I would just be someone going into hospital for a sleep, and thats just a bit weird! lol

I go sit in the waiting room where there are about ten other people, a doctor comes for me to sign the consent form and ask me some questions and explains the risks. Back to the waiting room, everyone is being called out at different times, they’re all coming back with gowns etc and I don’t get one.

A while later the anesthetist comes to get me to ask me more questions, she was lovely and had amazing eyes! I told her about the tube and she said I was right to tell her, sometimes she does have to use them to get food or liquid out, so good job I said. At this point she thought I would be getting the op, so I was ready for it!

Hours later I get a nurse call me to do obs and get my gown and stockings, she said she thought I was getting a bed for sure!

Back to the waiting room for what feels like forever, talking to one or two of the people, but no one was very chatty and it was so damn boring and painful with my hips and spine, sat on the chair, so I go for a walk and ask what are the chances of the bed. The nurse asks the sister who said she had spoken to Mr Nutt and because they were still waiting for a bed he might take an emergency and I wouldn’t get the op. Nooooo! She said as soon as she found out she would let me know.

Six hours after I arrived she came to the waiting room to say I could go home. No female beds and he was going to do the emergency and wouldn’t have time to do me. Boo!

She brought a form and asked if I wanted a free meal I said I was fine, I don’t eat that much, probably should have had it though, she said the receptionist said that to her as she had the sleeve, but said she had to ask, then wanted to know how much I had lost I said 14 stone almost and she wanted to see the pics so I whipped them out, as you do, then she called over all the other nurses and the girl with the sleeve! And we were all having a nice little chat. The sister also “knew Mr Barry when he was a nice young doctor” He is a lovely guy!

The sister said next time I will have more of a priority, she said it so embarrassing when she sees someones name for about the fifth time and she’s like “I have to find them a bed this time!” Though she said that’s more ENT not for mine, hopefully next visit will be the one.

God I hope so, I don’t like this stress!

I sent daddy a text who arrived to take me home.. well to Costa anyway! Hey I was deprived all morning, I needed that coffee!

So I now have a pair of stockings and almost a gown I did give that back, they found it quite funny it was in my bag and I should have taken it as a souvenir for waiting so long. I am all drawn on too. I look so pretty!

It's HERE!!!

It’s HERE!!!!

So that was my fun morning.

I have now decided I want this before I go back into hospital! But no way of getting it :(

So Beautiful!

So Beautiful!

I am now off to chaperone my mother on a date for the SECOND time in a week, I think I’m going to start charging for this :D


H x


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