Tag Archives: diabetes

Knock me out!

11 Aug

Well this medication has knocked me for six! All I want to do is sleep. I like sleeping, I really do, but it’s stopping me from doing anything else. The only good thing is I’m not thinking about things when I’m asleep and I do like to over think, I just think even more in my awake hours lol. Sleeping-is-nice-You-forget-about-everything-for-a-little-whileYesterday I really wanted a bagel, so I thought I’d have one, that was a huge mistake! I cut it in half and put cream cheese with quorn ham on it. Had less than half of the one side and it was stuck, I have never felt so bad in all my life, it wouldn’t come up or go down it was well and truly stuck! For the next few hours all I had was foamies, no amount of trying to be sick would bring it up, I was feeling so sorry for myself. So I went to bed and slept for about 16 hours! And when I woke up I still wanted more!

This is not good for going to the gym. I wanted to try and do as much as possible before tomorrow, oh well so much for that, if I get the op, hopefully I will be over the tiredness by the time I can go back to the gym.

Had to wait in this morning for the guy to come and look at the car. He took some pics of the damage and I guess they give them an estimate, he said they will be in touch soon to say when they are taking the car and when I will get the courtesy car.

0d0b9817d9e23d749f74e4b0f77c1a61If surgery does go ahead this time, it’s going to kill me not being able to drive. I really don’t know how I managed so long without it. The one thing I did like about being in a long distance relationship was the driving to see him. I loved that. Loved being on the motorway especially if it was sunny, windows down, sunglasses on, music up loud and going somewhere I wanted to be! Oh of course the arguments when I got there weren’t good, but the driving was! I’m missing that more than anything!

b0dcd19e46e8f8fa6f6001b42dd35255I have started to play WoW again, why, I don’t know! Maybe to protect myself from people, but in saying that, the last two people I left into my life were from WoW, so thats probably not a smart move! It will keep me occupied for a little while. Keep my mind busy and give me something to do while I’m healing (hopefully!) Part of me doesn’t even want to wake up after surgery, I know thats a terrible thing to say, but I guess that’s what depression can do to you. I don’t even think it’s real depression, it’s more circumstance, but it still makes you feel pretty damn shitty!

Maybe I will wake up in a better frame of mind and be ready to tackle the shit that I’ve been left to deal with lately and put it all behind me.

I’ll be back tomorrow, hopefully post op.

And I couldn’t have put it better myself Charlie Sheen! This was my plan all along. Now to stick to it!

Soon

H x

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I conquered the Wave!

24 Jul

Be warned this post WILL contain some swearing!

Two times at the gym again today, loving it, but it’s got me thinking.

LUSH!!!

LUSH!!!

This is me after 200 cals burned on the cross trainer,  I put the effort in and I turn in to sweaty betty, I put it up to 25 effort and bloody work as hard as I can.

My clothes are wet my face is wet and I feel fantastic. When I’m on the weights for my legs I have it set to 30-45kg and I can bloody feel it, today I actually noticed an improvement, normally my legs will only go so far on the adductor and it hurts, I did that so much easier today I felt a little but pleased with myself. But I look around and see past the grunters, we all know who they are, weights as high as they can gurning with the loudest “..eurgh” they can master, and I see the people who just seem to be there to watch the TV on the machines, they’re effort is set at 1 and they are not putting anything in and seem to be having a leisurely time? Now what the fuck is up with that?
Sweat Sparkle

They are all so beautifully slim, hair perfect, makeup done to perfection and not a drop of sweat, wait, excuse me, I mean sparkle on them! Where did I go so tragically wrong that they get to look like that and I got to 32 stone. Okay maybe by just turning up to the gym there was some secret slim society I was unaware of in my teens and twenties and if I had the guts to go at that age I would have magically stayed a healthy weight. But how do they do it? Why do they get to put zero, and I mean ZERO effort in and get to look like that!?
I am seriously baffled by this phenomenon and I know I missed out on the memo at some point in my life, it must have got lost in the post somewhere in time.
Okay, okay I know in reality it’s all my own fault.
Depression is not a good thing and you don’t even know you have it when you do. Me and Clare were talking about it the other day and when you’re in it, to you it’s just life, it’s normal, you just think that’s the way it’s meant to be, until you realise you need help.
quote-easy-225x300I really do know that if I could have seen it, then I could have prevented it all, but I really couldn’t, I didn’t want to be like that, in reality I couldn’t see myself getting bigger, I couldn’t see how bad my life had got. I thought I was happy and okay, I had my husband and I thought that was all I needed. How wrong could I have been.
But now I’m out of it and I see what’s happened, what I did to myself and how I would do anything to go back and make the correct choices it is bloody annoying when I see them in there so jauntily talking and walking, like “yeah I’m doing this I’m so good, I deserve to look this good and be so fit and healthy!” Fuck you, you ARE just lucky, clearly because that shit there ain’t making you fitter or healthier!

...And breathe...

..ANNNND..Breath..

My persistence has paid off though, I have finally figured out the wave machine, I knew something wasn’t right with that, the first day I tried it, it felt totally alien and I couldn’t get it, but the next day I jumped back on and with the assistance of my #gymbunny guide, I got that thing down and it is frigging awesome! You can really feel it working the inner and outer thighs. I love it!

I am so happy right now!

Soon

H x

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I can beat myself!

20 Jul

I love the things I can just do now.

I messaged Clare to say I needed to talk, I was off to Costa, cos you know, I can drive now! And her husband brought her to me and it was nice sitting there moaning, her two youngest girls came too and it was a beautiful day, so we decided to go up Twmbarlwm, it’s the most scary drive E.V.E.R. The lane is only just big enough for one car and even then it’s pushing it, we had branches and twigs hitting us and when another car comes the other way, we start screaming! Not fun when I’m trying to keep myself alive let alone my friend, a five and three year old! Ugh I am responsible for that. So much pressure!!

We make it to the car park in one piece and are greeted with the climb to the top of the mountain.

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Even looking back at this height there is a really good view, but when we get to the top it’s amazing, and its 360 degrees. I love it. When you reach the pimple at the top (locals call it something else!) you are so hot but luckily the wind picks up nicely, so you have a breeze cooling you back down, which I most definitely need!

Looking out over the Bristol Channel

Looking out over the Bristol Channel

Yesterday was a good food day, lots of protein. I do think I’m getting alot more hungry, which I’m hoping is down to the exercise I’m doing.

I went to the gym twice again today. I beat my first go on the cross trainer when I went back, so that made me happy. Though I noticed when I took the pic it said the effort was 12… it so was not! It was set at 25 all through the exercise, I guess it dropped down to that at the end! I like beating myself :)

Hoping to go again twice tomorrow as well.
I go to that gym now, not bothering about anyone, I smile at people and carry on doing what I’m doing, listening to the songs in my head and pushing myself, sweat dripping off my face (which I hate with a passion!) and I just don’t care, the more I sweat the better I feel now. I know I am pushing myself with all I can. I want this so much, I want to be stronger, fitter, healthier, I want to be me, but better. I wish so much I could have had that when I was younger, I might not have got to where I did.
I see people in there and I feel sad for them, especially if they are young and can see them heading for where I was and I just want to scream at them. They sit there on the machines, putting in no effort whatsoever and it’s quite depressing. I know that there is nothing you can do until you are ready for it, until something clicks in your own head and maybe you will never get it. I left it too late before it clicked for me and we all know what I had to do to make myself better.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my bypass with everything I am, but I wish I it would have happened for me when I was younger,

How far

whether that is me going it alone, or finally being brave enough to admit I needed the help. With all my heart I wish I had done this sooner.
But I am now doing the best I can for myself and that’s all we can expect. I felt such a buzz today sat on the adductor. I could feel the muscles in my legs working. I haven’t had that for a long time and I most definitely liked it, I wanted more. I felt happy. I felt alive. It was good.

I am completely drug free at the moment (barring any bypass drugs ofc!!) I came off my last medical one this past week and oh my! My eyes have opened with how stunted my emotions have been. I am grateful to citalopram for allowing me to go out again, so very, very grateful, but for what it was suppressing for six years I am most definitely not! Maybe one day I shall explain, but lets just say I am enjoying every single feeling I now have back! ;) ..though I might have to deal with my whole marriage breakdown soon.. don’t want to deal with that..
On Sunday I am doing a 5k walk with my old Slimming World group, we are doing Race for Life. I’m looking forward to that, last year I went to cheer them on, hoping I could do it, but me and my dogs just watched, can’t believe I’m actually going to be doing it this year. I have my pink T-shirt ready to go and I will be taking pics, so expect lots! Exciting times!

Soon

H x

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I tempt you with Pizza..!

19 Jan

A whole junk free day yesterday!
Almost through today and I’m doing good too.I bought some Granola earlier, while yes the carbs are high, the protein is too, and as I’m only have a spoonful or two in some Total Greek yoghurt, I’m not going to let that bother me, it filled me up quite alot as well, which is definitely a bonus!

Went out for coffee for a friends birthday, did some shopping and took my car out for a drive. I am really enjoying driving, I still make mistakes, and I hate, hate, HATE changing gears when on a roundabout.. whose bright idea were roundabouts?! I’m not perfect yet, far from it, I stalled at some lights.. took my foot off clutch and not enough power on the accelerator, but I will get there soon enough. People who have to put up with my stalls, don’t bother me, they can see the L plates, they can sit there and patiently wait lol. I think tomorrow will be my sixth lesson, either five or six, I can’t remember! Never ever did I think I would get to drive while I was married, not at all, so this feels so empowering! It’s mine and i’m doing it for me!

My friend Clare, found a recipe today and said it was delicious and as it was pizza of course I had to try it! And it was very tasty indeed.
If anyone is interested its here NomNomPizza Mine looked like this.

Soonly

H x

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Miserable Post.. No Really I Am Miserable!

17 Jan

Be warned, most of this is moaning about how hard everything is for me. I wouldn’t even read it! ;)

Oh how I wish surgery had been a magic wand.

Last week I pushed myself too far, I really thought I was going to pass out or something. I had what I guess was late dumping. I felt so ill, my blood sugars were 2.8, I was sweating and my legs and arms felt weird and I felt awful to say the least, a few hours earlier I had eaten quite a bit of sugar, but how did I deal with it..? Smartly.. oh no I ate a biscuit instead.
Most of the time I am fine, but lately, well since Christmas, I have been keeping Jaffa Cakes in the house, I have come to the conclusion that this is not smart! I cannot have anything in the house other wise I feel like it needs to be eaten, not all at once, like I used to before, but I will have one now and again and it feels like too much, I don’t want to eat anything like that, so tomorrow I shall be giving everything to my dad (or just throwing it all out!)

Being a vegetarian never bothered me before, but now since surgery I wish I wasn’t, but there is nothing I can do to convince myself I can eat meat. I cooked some chicken for the dogs yesterday and I was cutting it up I wondered for a moment, could I eat some. I picked it up and as soon as I smelt it, it just turned my stomach, there was no way I could put that in my mouth and force myself to swallow it. Not a chance.
So back to trying to find interesting ways to get protein in and not too many carbs. It feels like such a struggle every damn day.

This last week has been so tough too, I have not wanted to do anything at all. I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to play World of Warcraft <3 and I’ve told my Slimming World consultant I’m not coming on Monday, she then rang me and I burst into tears and couldn’t speak.
I have no idea what is going on. I have been on citalopram for about six years and apart from the attempted suicide (because the dose was too strong) I have been brilliant on them, whether it is me making the effort, the tablets themselves or just the idea of the tablets, I have been getting better every year, after not going out for three years, I wouldn’t even go out into my back garden, because I didn’t want my neighbours to see me! I was very sad and ashamed back then.
So this last week I have been wondering what is going on. I know Nia said it would be like a rollercoaster, but I’ve been ok, I am happy with the surgery I wouldn’t change anything, so I’ve thought am I absorbing my medication correctly is that what’s causing the problem, I don’t want to go back to being that person. That part of my life is done now. I never want to be like that again, so I need to fix this as soon as I can, so I don’t end up in exactly the same situation I was in before, then all this would have been pointless!

In less miserable news, I have been taking driving lessons and I think I’m doing okay, I will be doing my theory soon, but I’m not telling anyone when, incase I don’t pass! I’m only 20 years too late, but at least I’m getting there!

I am starting to see more changes in my face again. I really think I am going to have to have a neck lift! I am not liking how this is going right now. But after seeing the pics at https://flirtybythirty.wordpress.com/ and how her plastic surgery has gone, it’s something I will definitely look into when the time comes!

I’ll leave you with some pics a year apart.

Hope to be back soon

H x

Another year over

29 Dec

I’ve made it through Christmas, well just about.

It’s been quite hard. I was let down by people who are meant to care about me and spent Christmas day alone. Which is fine, I keep saying I’m not bothered about Christmas because I have no children etc, but to be on your own when you were hoping to spend it with someone, its a little sad.

111 days out from surgery today. In total I am 161lbs down about 34kgs (75lbs) since surgery. I am feeling better every week now. I need to take some pics, as I haven’t done any for a bit, I wanted to do it on my 3 month, but forgot, so will have to make do with now.

I’ve gone back to not eating again. I just can’t be bothered, because I’m only cooking for me, I think what is the point. I really need to stop doing this before I make myself ill. It’s probably why I have been fighting a cold/cough/ear infection since the end of Novemeber, because I don’t have enough energy to get rid of it!

But tomorrow I have a plan, I’m going to clean my house from top to bottom and put some things on to cook. Food just bores me now though, if someone just delivered me low carb food I would just eat it and not care about anything else.

This time last year I was probably really excited thinking I would get surgery by the end of Feb! Oh how little I knew!

Oh well onto 2015 and see how many more lbs I can drop!

Hope you all have a Happy New Year

H x

New year 2013 Greeting Cards Happy new year 2013 Greeting Cards wishes good quotes and wallpaper collections e-cards (9)

Que Sera Sera

8 Oct

Four weeks ago today, I was about a quarter of the way through a life changing operation.
16 Years today I was also having a life changing moment, only I was marrying the man I thought I was going to be spending the rest of my life with.
Oh how things change, made it to 16 years, that was just over two years ago, he is now remarried with a little baby!
-Whatever will be, will be
Thats for sure!

Anyway, back to my story!

The next thing I knew, Dr Morgan was standing over me, my eyes were heavy and I could hear him saying that the operation was done and I had the bypass, I had a mask on, but it was too hot and I was trying to ask the time. I remember there being a clock on the wall and I kept looking at it, cos I wasn’t registering the time, it was about half two in the afternoon.
Breathing was hard, right in the middle of my chest, it was hurting alot, I was saying something about the pain, but it was so hard to talk, someone must have heard me, cos Dr Morgan came back and he was telling the nurses off in the recovery room as on my notes it was saying I was allergic to morphine, because of itching, he said they should know that is a side effect and should have called him. He said he would give me morphine into my drip (not that it worked!) and I was fine with that, or the pain was too crazy for me to even care about the itching lol
He said the pain was probably from them working up by the diaphragm and it was probably bruised and a bit sore (of course I was thinking I was having a heart attack when I woke up!!) but the worst pain, was as anyone who has had abdomen surgery knows, the damn gas pains, it was so much worse than I thought, I have probably written about how scared I was about it, it truly was awful. I asked if I could sit up, as lying half up half down on the bed was making it worse, I sat up and really didn’t want the mask on, so I took it off and I was desperate for them to get me a fan, they found me one but it hardly helped. I sat there willing to leave for about two hours.
Not long before I left, I remember hearing Nia and she was talking to my dad, of course all I wanted to do was see them then, I knew they were just outside, but I couldn’t see them at all. I know Nia came into see me, but I have no idea what she said!

The porters finally came to take me to the ward, I was lying back down then and they pushed me out and as we went through the doors to the corridor, I could see my mum, dad, sister and Matthew all looking really worried, I remember the porter saying to give them the royal wave, I just about managed to move my hand, but I wasn’t ready to smile at anyone at that point!

We only had a few metres to walk (or be pushed!) down the hallway to the ward, I was in ward G again section 3 right at the end, three beds on each side and I was furthest away from the door. My family was all sitting around me, but I didn’t know what to do with myself, couldn’t lie down, couldn’t sit up, the pain was awful, plus I had a drip going into my left arm, I had one of the air thingys that go into the nose and my right arm was stuck with a blood pressure cuff on it, it didn’t take me long to get two of those off!
But again I was so hot, the nurse said she would look for a fan, but she was having no luck and I thought I was melting. I had mum rubbing and hitting my back to try and move some of the gas, but it was awful, then dad had a go, he said it brought back memories! lol but I couldn’t take the heat anymore, so they said they would go and look for a fan (I think the took about three hours to find one!) but when they finally came back, it was bliss. In the time they were gone I had managed to get up and go for a wee and when they came back they said I was looking alot better, they say you should be up and about moving with the gas pains and I guess its true.

I don’t really remember much after my family went, I know for some unknown reason I wrote a post on facebook and told everyone what I did some time in the night! I think the drugs made me crazy lol but I’m actually glad I did it. Most people don’t seem to understand what I’ve done and I think they all thought it was a band as that’s what they hear alot of in the media, but I’m not a very secretive person and it was right for me.

I’ll write more about the recovery soon, but I’m going swimming now.

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I look warm! I WAS warm!!

This is me on the night of surgery, looking a bit sorry for myself!

Soon H x

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