Tag Archives: failing

Another year?

15 Jul

Looks like I’ve been here eight years today!

Yay me!

Not my image as you can read! But ooooh cake!

Not my image as you can read! But ooooh cake!

Though my blog did start out as updates for the things I made (must be signed in to see – Adult themed!!) in Second Life so it is now completely different!

As you might have guessed by my ever-so-cheery post I am not post op, nor will I be any time today.

Woke up at half six, well I had woken up many times before that, I hardly slept last night and around 5am my neck was itching like crazy for some odd reason, it was so bad I got up went downstairs to find some E45 itch relief cream and plastered it all over my neck, have no idea why, I had taken off the necklace that Rob bought me ready for surgery, but that would be the opposite cause an itch? lol

My dad was ringing just as the alarm went off, because he always seems to “forget” time, and tries to get where ever he needs to about three hours early, so he was like “oh I thought you had to be there at 7” ugh no dad, you know you had to be at mine for 7 not half 6!

Get there and am told that my name is not on the ward waiting list, oh fun! Did I turn up on the wrong day, I never had a letter, so it’s quite possible, so she checks the computer and said nope defo not there.. oh fab

She checks the surgeons list and I’m on it for the afternoon, I’m not losing it after all. No idea why I’m not on the ward list, seeing as that is the most important part, well in the sense of “I need a damn bed right now!” Of course I need to be on surgeons list or I would just be someone going into hospital for a sleep, and thats just a bit weird! lol

I go sit in the waiting room where there are about ten other people, a doctor comes for me to sign the consent form and ask me some questions and explains the risks. Back to the waiting room, everyone is being called out at different times, they’re all coming back with gowns etc and I don’t get one.

A while later the anesthetist comes to get me to ask me more questions, she was lovely and had amazing eyes! I told her about the tube and she said I was right to tell her, sometimes she does have to use them to get food or liquid out, so good job I said. At this point she thought I would be getting the op, so I was ready for it!

Hours later I get a nurse call me to do obs and get my gown and stockings, she said she thought I was getting a bed for sure!

Back to the waiting room for what feels like forever, talking to one or two of the people, but no one was very chatty and it was so damn boring and painful with my hips and spine, sat on the chair, so I go for a walk and ask what are the chances of the bed. The nurse asks the sister who said she had spoken to Mr Nutt and because they were still waiting for a bed he might take an emergency and I wouldn’t get the op. Nooooo! She said as soon as she found out she would let me know.

Six hours after I arrived she came to the waiting room to say I could go home. No female beds and he was going to do the emergency and wouldn’t have time to do me. Boo!

She brought a form and asked if I wanted a free meal I said I was fine, I don’t eat that much, probably should have had it though, she said the receptionist said that to her as she had the sleeve, but said she had to ask, then wanted to know how much I had lost I said 14 stone almost and she wanted to see the pics so I whipped them out, as you do, then she called over all the other nurses and the girl with the sleeve! And we were all having a nice little chat. The sister also “knew Mr Barry when he was a nice young doctor” He is a lovely guy!

The sister said next time I will have more of a priority, she said it so embarrassing when she sees someones name for about the fifth time and she’s like “I have to find them a bed this time!” Though she said that’s more ENT not for mine, hopefully next visit will be the one.

God I hope so, I don’t like this stress!

I sent daddy a text who arrived to take me home.. well to Costa anyway! Hey I was deprived all morning, I needed that coffee!

So I now have a pair of stockings and almost a gown I did give that back, they found it quite funny it was in my bag and I should have taken it as a souvenir for waiting so long. I am all drawn on too. I look so pretty!

It's HERE!!!

It’s HERE!!!!

So that was my fun morning.

I have now decided I want this before I go back into hospital! But no way of getting it :(

So Beautiful!

So Beautiful!

I am now off to chaperone my mother on a date for the SECOND time in a week, I think I’m going to start charging for this :D


H x



Revision? Yes please!

16 Feb

It’s by far from easy.
437e7700ef33568a4558ca0e02f980b4The people who read what they read have no clue. The people who say it’s the easy way out have no clue. Hell even the people who have had weight loss surgery have no clue. No one knows or understands your journey, your pain, your insecurities and your struggles but you.

I spent years and years reading up on people stories on what to expect, I thought I was ready for everything, but that’s quite laughable really now when I think about it. Everything I go through is so different to what the next person goes through. No matter how much you read and prepare, your journey is unique to you.
Your starting weight, co-morbidities, what you lose before surgery, what you lose preop, how much your surgeon by passes of your intestine and your stomach, each different centimetre could make a world of difference to how things are for you.

Some days I struggle, a lot.
Not because I wish I never had the surgery, not at all, but I wish I had more control over things. I lost about seven stone before surgery. I took my time, but I did it so I could get the rny that I wanted and not have to have the sleeve converted to bypass at a later date. But some days I do wonder if losing that weight has slowed me down. I am five months out and five stone down. I have been stuck at the same weight for about six weeks and it’s very frustrating. I am 281 and been going up and down to 292 all this time, for the last two weeks it’s been around 281-284 and I’m fed up of it.
Maybe I need to be more perfect with food. I am walking every day, so I don’t think it’s exercise, I’m doing about 10,000 steps every day I even did over 20,000 one day last weekend this is a huge thing for me. But I know bad food does end up in my mouth, then of course the hate, guilt and sickness turn up pretty soon after and I vow no more, I’m done. But it seems I never am.

You would think being on my own makes it easier, only having to get food for me, only cooking what I want, but it’s not, not when you have spent your whole adult life with another person. Having their opinion, input, ideas, conversation, company or even just someone to fight with when you need to, I miss that, I miss doing things with another person. When I go out for my walks, I like that I can go where I want, but it would be nice to share that with someone, someone to laugh with when the dogs do something funny, or looking at a nice view, or when the sky looks pretty. It can be very lonely when you’re used to another person. I never really had much time to think about it before. So focused on surgery, I had no time to think about the changes, I was just getting on with them because I had to. But lately I don’t want to be on the PC and I don’t want to sit in doing nothing, I guess I have time to think when we go walking. Don’t get me wrong, I love how much more independent I am these days, I expect nothing would have changed if these things never happened, I’m loving driving and going out places, but I wish I could have been this person before, I wish I had never relied on a man, I wish I had never given up my job.
How different things would/could have been, if only..
At the moment I like it when Matthew comes to stay, it breaks up my time and I can do something different. I enjoy watching movies and cooking with him again. Cooking is no fun post bypass on your own. We cook together and it makes it fun again for that short time and I know the food isn’t going to be wasted and I have to cook because he needs the food. But on my own I just can’t be bothered. Knowing it’s going to be wasted or cooking a very small amount just feels pointless.
I was walking around Tesco yesterday, I wanted something filling and healthy, but I was just so mad at food, I know that’s stupid, but I couldn’t help it. Nothing I wanted. Not even junk food. I just wanted never to eat again, and there are days I really wish that was possible. Not to be a slave to food would be wonderful. Oh how I wish it had been brain surgery too, wouldn’t that have been nice!

I have no idea what the plan is now, maybe this is it. Being 32 stone and losing 12 is a lot I guess, Mr Barry did say I would get to 18 stone which is only two more to lose. Maybe it’s as good as it gets after letting myself get so big. I wish and hope it isn’t so, I would like another six off, but if this is it, then I can’t really complain, my life is a world away from how it was two years ago. Even from this time last year, I can see a huge improvement in my life, so I have to be grateful for that. But I am sad at the moment and the only thing that’s going to change that is getting away from 20 stone, well away and I just can’t see that happening right now.
I honestly don’t know what to do.

I saw someone ask if there was a revision she could have after bypass not working for her! I don’t think there even is one! But if there is I want it too cos I fail lol…
I have no idea which image this is… But I’m hoping it fits here!

Edited to say I guess it does fit here, I can’t stop thinking about losing!


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