Tag Archives: Food

Emotions Everywhere and I’m Starting to Care!

5 Jun

So so much has happened since I last posted. It’s been surreal.

So I started work the following morning, it was damn hard but I enjoyed it, the things I saw were heartbreaking and very emotional. I watched as Rosie did everything and helped when I could. The next day was my turn to do everything, by our second call I thought I was dying, this lady I was with, was 47, two years ago, she had a tumor removed in her pituitary gland, that night she had a stroke. Her left arm is stuck at a 90 degree angle and her legs are massive with cellulitis and are rock hard, it’s such a sad thing, but after dealing with all that, I was dying! From that moment on I was on a downward spiral all day, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. By the time we got to a call, where I could see the woman didn’t have more than 24h to live, which broke my heart as it reminded me of my nan. I knew I couldn’t carry on, I was sick and dizzy and just not well at all! So I told Rosie I had to go home.
6093a188adddb804794445bb261bf32dI thought about what I was going to do, I knew with all my issues and now with my random sickness I get, I was confused. I really wanted this job, I was desperate for it, but could I actually physically do it?
I waited for my references to come through, and spoke to them about my concerns and they told me that they were going to ease me into it as I hadn’t worked for twenty years, so that made me feel better. I did however have my worries the whole time, but this was something I really wanted to do, so I pushed them aside.Then I got my start date!

I was so excited! They started me off with a lot of breaks in between calls. So I thought I would be okay. Oh how I wrong I was. By the time I had my long break I knew I was in trouble. I rang the office and said I was worried again, but I’d make an appointment with my doctor for the afternoon and speak to them and see what they said. She told me not to do anything as it was my first day, but I was worried, I knew how much pain I was in, she didn’t.
I went to my doctor told her what was happening and she said Hayley, you cannot control your pain when you’re doing nothing?! And you want to do a physical job..  It’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse.

I knew she was right, so I went home and made the phone call to them to say I couldn’t do it and I was distraught. I got home and sobbed and sobbed, I was gutted. I then sent one of the girls in the office a message saying how sorry I was etc etc. And she said to me they had been talking and thought what about if I just did sits. And I thought about it and said yeah I could do that, it’s easy, you sit with someone while their family member goes and does what they need to, mini respite for a few hours. How hard could that be!?

marcel-pariseau-quote-she-cant-deal-with-it-any-moreIt started off okay, then slowly they were putting more on me, there was a couple I was looking after on the weekends, who had dementia, they both had different types. And boy was it hard.
I don’t need to go over all the hard stuff that happened, but the day I realised that I couldn’t do it, was a Sunday I was at this couples house, and I fell asleep at the kitchen table, it was only nodding off, but I knew something wasn’t right, that’s not what I do, I started to be sick, so after a while, I rang and asked if I could go home early, and they told me there was no way I could leave, so I left it a bit longer and then sent a text message to their daughter and asked if I could leave and hour early, she told me she would be down right away.

So I left early and went home and I slept til the Tuesday, turned out I had tonsillitis again for the third time in three months! I was completely wiped out for two whole weeks again. I was so unwell. But that Sunday that I left their home, I knew I couldn’t do this job, if I couldn’t go home to be ill when I needed to, then I couldn’t do the job! It was just killing me.

I was distraught. But what could I do?

So now I’ve learnt my lesson I am not ready for work yet. So I’m going to wait until they force me to go and they can find me a job that I am able to do!

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So of course all this sent me into a downward spiral, I thought I was ready, I thought I was picking my life back up, albeit twenty years later, with arthritis in both hips and my spine and having gone through weight loss service, my stomach and intestines removed, divorced to the husband I thought I would always be with and our twenty year anniversary being in April, I wasn’t coping well at all.cognitive-behavior-therapy-for-depression-in-older-adultsnorthrop-29-728

My food took a hit. I was just eating junk, no real food going in me and I didn’t care. I was starving myself again nutritionally, filling my face with junk like I did when I was 32 stone.

People think it’s easy. Stop eating lose weight. They have no idea it’s a mental issue, not a greed thing. No one can understand unless you have ever been obese. And even then, no one else has any idea of what is going on with you and how you got to be the size you did. There are usually stories for the reasons people gain huge amounts of weight and usually it is not down to just greed alone.  It is so much more complex than that.

6c850e64994c356a69b9dcabb060ddd4But people judge. And boy do they judge obesity. I think I have said it before, but I think the reason get so angry and annoyed at obesity is because it can happen to them, so easily, just one thing changing in their lives can send them into the same spiral that I found myself in twenty years ago. It’s so easy for it to happen. 1lb 7lbs 20lbs it’s so easy to creep up  because of one thing that happens in your life, or it could be a huge life changing thing that happens.  We just don’t know the future and what could happen.
And I think that is why people judge so harshly with obesity. 

So I got to a point where I was starting to feel my clothes getting tighter, I was ignoring it. I didn’t care I wanted junk and only junk! But I knew I was screwing myself over, how could I carry on with what I was doing! I’m going to ruin everything.

So last week I closed my eyes and stepped in the scales! I wanted to hurt myself so much! From my lowest, I was only there for a day, but two and a half stone back on!

Wtf wtf wtf!

Ugh guess what today is the start of.

Pouch reset time.

So the last time I did this, I went almost four weeks without eating I was so petrified of eating again, I couldn’t make myself eat not matter what I did. Even seeing the psychologist didn’t help. The only thing that made me eat again was getting tonsillitis, I think that was my body saying hey missy, eat or I’m going to give you and illness you have never had in your life before because your immune system is so low right now!

Yeah that made me eat again!

And God did I eat again! That was the start of me not stopping which was just intensified when I realised I couldn’t work!

So I started with the five day pouch test and oh dear it started again! I got scared of eating, only kept it kind of under control, day five I managed to force myself to eat a cheese omelette in the evening and today I have made food.  Good real food that my body needs, not junk, I think I needed that to make me think about the fact I actually needed protein and vegetables and all things a good healthy vegetarian needs!

How long it will last is anyone’s guess, but here I am trying and writing on my blog again. It’s always good to write here, I know I’m doing okay when I’m back.

So here I am eating good food, writing and hoping to continue on the good path, though this time next week I shall be on a 90s weekend in Butlins, so I might be on a very strict time limit! Ha

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Soon, with luck!

H x

 

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Abso-fucking-lutely!

11 Feb

Well today was the day!
I got out and wasn’t sectioned! hahah

So I took a road trip today, another two hospital road trip with a guy who I have known for four days. More on him later!

Get to Morriston and go in and see Michelle and I explain to her my whole issue with hoarding and eating food, then I come on to my latest problem!
I haven’t eaten for 17 or 18 days now with the exception of Milk, protein powder, gum and now… wait for it!
RUSKS_VMIC_ORIGINALFarleys Rusks.
Yes those crunchy big biscuits for babies! How they hell they got into this no eating thing, I have no idea, but there we have it. Farleys Rusks, Hayleys food of choice!
After spending a very long hour, in which we discussed an awful lot including my marriage which made me cry when I realised how awful I had been to my ex husband, I had known this for a while, but speaking out loud, saying to someone that I would call him downstairs to get me another can of Pepsi Max from the kitchen which was probably twenty steps away, really upset me, if I had stayed being this me, the one who I was when we met, the one who I am again now after surgery, where could we have been, what could have happened to our lives if I had been normal! Who does that kind of thing. It was so selfish, everything was my way, he got a say in nothing and he always went along with it, no question because he loved me.
I think the relationship he is in now, might actually be the other way around and he is the more dominant one. I wish I had let us be equal and didn’t expect him to go out to work and provide for me and me do nothing, then when he came home, expected him to do everything else for me!
And I can’t even tell him how sorry I am.ab69b3f0b346ebfb002eccb61b2877a9
I’m not sure which is harder to deal with, knowing I destroyed our relationship and THEN ended it or not being able to say sorry for being the person I was and while being in control of him, I was in no way in control of myself!

It’s very hard to take now. But I have to move on.

So I’m thinking I have an issue with eating and she seems to think it’s not eating I have a problem with, I have gone weeks without eating proper food, I have gone up and down the sweet/crisp aisle dozens of times and I have not been affected by any of it, I do not want it. Which is always the case, even when I’m buying it, I stand there and wonder, what do I want, nothing in particular and also everything I can see, so I look and look and finally settle on something I think I might want!
quote-Jim-Evans-another-way-to-lose-control-is-to-83304So then I take that home and I feel the need to eat it all at once, or give it to my brother, because firstly there is guilt there because I bought it and secondly I didn’t want it anyway so I need to find a way to get it out of my house and the most obvious answer is to eat the damn stuff as fast as possible!
My problem is actually a fear of losing control of shopping.

How weird, yet it makes absolute sense.
I can go shopping and buy food and eat it perfectly fine when I am buying the right food for me, but I am actually petrified of being in the supermarket and losing control and buying the stuff I don’t actually want, then the whole cycle begins! Because that is the point I lose control, I can’t lose control when I’m sat at home thinking about it, as there is nothing in my house I can eat that will make me feel like that.
Food isn’t my problem (not in this case! clearly it has been!) but I am scared of losing control shopping!
So we came up with some ideas for me to counteract it and be back in control.
And I feel a whole lot better about the situation.
I may not be perfect straight away, but I will get there again and it’s made me feel so so so much better knowing I am not losing control of eating, I’m not eating so how can I be, I didn’t realise I actually have that under control! It’s a fear of shopping and losing control while I am there and there are so many ways I can prevent that now I feel alot better about the whole situation!
It’s funny as I wasn’t really expecting her to be able to help me that much and yet she really has. I guess these people have this job for a reason!

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Much more like it!

Last week I think I met three people three nights running and every single one of them told me I look so much prettier in real life than on my photos! It is still so hard for me to accept! I find it hard enough when people tell me I look pretty on my pics, i’m like wtf they looking at?! But then to be told it to my face is unreal and I still feel uncomfortable with it. I guess being a big fat blob for so long it will never feel any different.
However I cannot say it is not nice when I do hear it from someone!

The third person I met was only a last minute thing, someone cancelled on me and there was a guy I was talking to who lived close to me so I asked if he fancied going for a drive. He had said to me he was after nothing, so I thought why not!
I went and picked him and and we decided to go to the local services for a drink and I hadn’t shut up from the moment I picked him up!
When we got out of the car, something came to my mind so I said to him are you gay or bi, I have no idea why this even came to me, but he said yeah bi, I thought it was on my profile? I said I didn’t notice, which I hadn’t.
We sat there drinking and chatting for quite a while and we spoke about everything, nothing was off limits! And I was actually sad when I had to take him home. Next day I asked if he wanted to come for cuddles and a film and he said he would after work, this was all I wanted as I wasn’t sure how I felt about him being bisexual, so he turned up after work and I put a film on, but had to pause it as again we didn’t stop talking! A few hours later I said shall we go up to bed as my brother will be back soon and I knew he didn’t want to meet anyone yet, so we went upstairs and had a cuddle, movie on pause again and I looked up at him and I could see in his eyes he was desperate to kiss me! So I did.
Wow it was amazing and we did that for quite a while things progressed and stuff happens, but we didn’t have sex.

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Yeah defo!! <3

I had an amazing night, but on the way home I said to him, I really really don’t think you are actually in to women, and I explained my reasons for coming to this conclusion to him and he said to me he had never thought about it like that, but when I pointed it out to him it made perfect sense and he really needed to have a think about what he actually wanted!
The next day he told me he had come off all the dating apps as he needed to figure out what was going on and again he thanked me for making him look at things. He had never been in a relationship with a man, and he had been in a 17 month on off relationship with a girl.
But something just felt right with this guy, we have connected on such a level and we think each other are amazing, but we know thats it, we know we have a friendship for life and we will be very close! But then later that evening he messaged me and wasn’t quite sure how to put it, but the on/off ex had messaged him to tell him a one night stand she had told her he had chlamydia, she had told him there was no one else and they didn’t need to use condoms he was distraught in having to tell me and for himself, in finding out she had lied to him! But after my reaction he said I don’t even know why I worried as I forgot you are frigging awesome! So I said I would go to the clinic in the morning and did he want to come with, so he did and I told him to get everything done, including bloods. The chances of anything for me are extremely slim, I’m not worried we hardly touched. But I prefer being smart about sexual health!

So then we started our road trip to Swansea, normally I have to have the radio on loud, but yet again, talking was just too much, didn’t even listen to one song and we spoke the whole way there and back, I have no idea what we have left to talk about, but it seems like we have everything and nothing all at once and we just seem to make total sense with each other.

These words have so much meaning to me!

These words have so much meaning to me!

If I could bend him poker straight he would be my ideal guy. I abso-fucking-lutely love him!

He makes me so happy!

Valentines day is ours!

Oh I have also found one of the beautiful boys from butlins on one of these apps! AND he replied to my message!! :D

Soon

H x

To Eat?!

4 Jan

It’s so hard!

All day choices for food!

What do I eat?

I don’t know!

How can it be so difficult and painful. I have no clue. I know what I should eat and I know what I want to eat, but very rarely are they the same!

So I force myself to cook something that is more in line with what I should have and usually a portion is always too much, so I am inevitably left  with.. leftovers!

Yesterday I made something called “Poorly Cooked Eggs” it was quite tasty, but I didn’t have any asparagus so had it with red onion and Quorn chorizo intead. I actually had it for two meals and had to throw some away in the end as it was too much for me, so I AM trying with the left over thing!

Poorly-Cooked-Eggs-1-800

This wasn’t my one, but this is how the original looked.

I also read about this sprout concoction and have just given this a go, I’m not particularly fond of them and don’t usually eat them, but I need to get more veg in me, so I just cooked it and it was surprisingly nice!

Don’t know how often I would make it, but I will have it again to use up my bag of sprouts!

 

LN_013001_BP_11God knows what to eat later, maybe my favourite omelette, which is made with dollops of this amazing stuff.  I love that Clare got me to try it, it is seriously amazing when you cut into the gooey cheese!

For a long time my dad has been having issues with extra phlegm and is constantly wheezing its very irratating for him, especially when trying to sleep at night. He even had one incident where he woke up choking on it in the middle of the night, it had gone down his windpipe, scared both him and my brother half to death.
He’s been back and forth to doctors and hospital, taken antibiotics for it, but nothing seems to help.
So last week he asked me to take him to the hospital in the morning as he is having a camera and needs to be sedated for it.
I thought nothing of it. Then I asked him what it’s for assuming it was just about the excess fluid and he said they are putting the camera into his lung. I was cooking food and he just said they said I have small shadow on my lung.

What?!

What?!

You’re telling me now!

Just what we need.

That is how my grandmother, his mother died three years ago.

We don’t need this shit!

Staying calm.

But panic is going to set in soon!

Please let it be nothing.

Soon

H x

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If only this was true!

Being controlled..

2 Jan

..by food, again.

JunkFoodGod it is tough. I have been on an emotional low for a few weeks. I had to go stay at my uncles in Coventry for about a week while he had a right hemi colonectomy for cancer.
It was such a huge emotional toll on me. Not necessarily for the fact of the cancer, but just because I was being relied on so much.
I was responsible for nothing four years ago. Absolutely nothing. My only job was to get myself to the toilet every day!
Now I was living in a city I didn’t know, with my uncle’s wife who I didn’t know and their four-year old son who I didn’t know. I would have had a total melt down four years ago, and while I was close to that now, I couldn’t let it happen.

motivational-sayings-motivational-quotes-for-work-working-hard-and-believe-in-yourself

Especially when that person was YOU!

I had to get Jo-an back and forth to the hospital as she can’t drive, has no family living here, is from the Philippines and they had no one to look after their son while she was at the hospital. So I felt every damn bit of pressure, completely on me. It was hard to say the least. It wasn’t the most straight forward of weeks at all and I felt like I had no one to lean on or help me. I did spend a day crying as I didn’t know what I was doing.

But I made it though! Me the girl who led on her floor crying because I couldn’t put electricity in the meter. Three people relied on me and I got us through it and did a pretty good job of it.

You did good Hayley. Be proud of that!

Its been about two weeks now and I am back home, my uncle is getting better, though we still don’t know if he needs chemotherapy, but should know by the end of this week.

Christmas was pretty shitty!

It was the first one I had alone, while last year I was technically alone, I was still with Matthew, so I didn’t feel completely alone. This was my first holiday alone in twenty years and I felt it.
No one understands how I feel as no one is in my situation, but as usual I carry on as if I don’t care and nothing bothers me, but it does.

Went into the New Year asleep. Couldn’t even be bothered with it.

So now I feel like I want to change. Some how I need to get a job I like this year. One that will keep my mind happy and my hands full so I don’t eat food.
I am fed up of being bored. I am fed up of having nothing to do. I would love to some how have a job that related to surgery but that would never happen over here like it can do for some in America.
Being a Health Care Assistant, would be something I would love, but again, getting into that seems almost impossible and I really don’t want to start out working in something I hate and regret doing it.

So I really need to have a long hard think about what to do and start making changes so I can do it.

I need to quit with the bad food choices too. It makes me feel so ill and I don’t enjoy anything then.
I wish surgery coud have affected the brain too, but sadly it doesn’t. It is and always will be a constant struggle and as long as I know this and vow to always be aware of what I’m doing I shouldn’t put weight back on.
I have accepted that I will not get any smaller without surgery to remove my excess skin and this upsets me, but I really can’t do anything to change that.

I was 448lbs. I have excess skin. Most people are around 300lb with this surgery. I was not. I have all that extra to deal with. I have to accept it.
I did it to myself, that is the price for being so morbidly obese.
I can do so much more I have to be thankful for that and focus on getting a job and getting surgery to remove the skin.
Those are my two main goals for 2016.

I probably need to track food again. Going to stay under 50/60g of carbs a day, but I must track to take accountability and I need to post more.
I notice I am MIA from here when I am doing badly.
Must force myself everyday! Wish there were more people to encourage! Say hi if you’re reading and are not shy! I know there are quite a few of you!
Where in your journey are you? Or are you just reading? Hoping never to get as big as I did and doing it the traditional way?
Would love to hear from more people!

Either way I hope you had a good holiday period and you get all your goals/wishes for 2016 if you set any!

Soon!

H x

196d3bbd14d561b72c15ae7c2ce88295

Teenager AGAIN!

19 Feb
Happiness is this!

Happiness is this!

Upped my protein and water yesterday and woke up to this!

I have not been this happy for a long time. Only just into the teens, but it’s bloody in there!

Soon H x

Revision? Yes please!

16 Feb

It’s by far from easy.
437e7700ef33568a4558ca0e02f980b4The people who read what they read have no clue. The people who say it’s the easy way out have no clue. Hell even the people who have had weight loss surgery have no clue. No one knows or understands your journey, your pain, your insecurities and your struggles but you.

I spent years and years reading up on people stories on what to expect, I thought I was ready for everything, but that’s quite laughable really now when I think about it. Everything I go through is so different to what the next person goes through. No matter how much you read and prepare, your journey is unique to you.
Your starting weight, co-morbidities, what you lose before surgery, what you lose preop, how much your surgeon by passes of your intestine and your stomach, each different centimetre could make a world of difference to how things are for you.

Some days I struggle, a lot.
Not because I wish I never had the surgery, not at all, but I wish I had more control over things. I lost about seven stone before surgery. I took my time, but I did it so I could get the rny that I wanted and not have to have the sleeve converted to bypass at a later date. But some days I do wonder if losing that weight has slowed me down. I am five months out and five stone down. I have been stuck at the same weight for about six weeks and it’s very frustrating. I am 281 and been going up and down to 292 all this time, for the last two weeks it’s been around 281-284 and I’m fed up of it.
Maybe I need to be more perfect with food. I am walking every day, so I don’t think it’s exercise, I’m doing about 10,000 steps every day I even did over 20,000 one day last weekend this is a huge thing for me. But I know bad food does end up in my mouth, then of course the hate, guilt and sickness turn up pretty soon after and I vow no more, I’m done. But it seems I never am.

You would think being on my own makes it easier, only having to get food for me, only cooking what I want, but it’s not, not when you have spent your whole adult life with another person. Having their opinion, input, ideas, conversation, company or even just someone to fight with when you need to, I miss that, I miss doing things with another person. When I go out for my walks, I like that I can go where I want, but it would be nice to share that with someone, someone to laugh with when the dogs do something funny, or looking at a nice view, or when the sky looks pretty. It can be very lonely when you’re used to another person. I never really had much time to think about it before. So focused on surgery, I had no time to think about the changes, I was just getting on with them because I had to. But lately I don’t want to be on the PC and I don’t want to sit in doing nothing, I guess I have time to think when we go walking. Don’t get me wrong, I love how much more independent I am these days, I expect nothing would have changed if these things never happened, I’m loving driving and going out places, but I wish I could have been this person before, I wish I had never relied on a man, I wish I had never given up my job.
How different things would/could have been, if only..
At the moment I like it when Matthew comes to stay, it breaks up my time and I can do something different. I enjoy watching movies and cooking with him again. Cooking is no fun post bypass on your own. We cook together and it makes it fun again for that short time and I know the food isn’t going to be wasted and I have to cook because he needs the food. But on my own I just can’t be bothered. Knowing it’s going to be wasted or cooking a very small amount just feels pointless.
I was walking around Tesco yesterday, I wanted something filling and healthy, but I was just so mad at food, I know that’s stupid, but I couldn’t help it. Nothing I wanted. Not even junk food. I just wanted never to eat again, and there are days I really wish that was possible. Not to be a slave to food would be wonderful. Oh how I wish it had been brain surgery too, wouldn’t that have been nice!

I have no idea what the plan is now, maybe this is it. Being 32 stone and losing 12 is a lot I guess, Mr Barry did say I would get to 18 stone which is only two more to lose. Maybe it’s as good as it gets after letting myself get so big. I wish and hope it isn’t so, I would like another six off, but if this is it, then I can’t really complain, my life is a world away from how it was two years ago. Even from this time last year, I can see a huge improvement in my life, so I have to be grateful for that. But I am sad at the moment and the only thing that’s going to change that is getting away from 20 stone, well away and I just can’t see that happening right now.
I honestly don’t know what to do.

I saw someone ask if there was a revision she could have after bypass not working for her! I don’t think there even is one! But if there is I want it too cos I fail lol…
I have no idea which image this is… But I’m hoping it fits here!

Edited to say I guess it does fit here, I can’t stop thinking about losing!

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Food, Glorious Food!

1 Feb

I got my fitbit on Friday, very nice it is too, though I forgot to wear it this morning when I went out so lost half a days info! It runs out of battery very quickly if you have bluetooth and GPS on, but no different to a phone I guess, which is why I had it off this morning, thought I would charge it quickly, that didn’t go so well lol.

Been doing good on food lately, staying away from carbs as much as possible, I got the scales back from my dads, so I have some in the house and don’t have to run to Boots when I want to weigh and when I first got on them I was weighing 20st12lbs, how close they are to boots I have no ideas as I was 3lb on that when I last weighed, but when I weighed this morning on my scales I was 20st4lb, so it should be moving a little at least.

I’ve made some nice food the last couple of days too, I really have to put my mind to it. If I don’t think about what food I’m going to do then it just goes out of my head, so I either pick up something I shouldn’t, or I just don’t bother to eat, so I’m pleased with this week. Some pics of what I’ve done, the dessert was lovely and creamy and I’ve just had the pizzas now, I wish I had taken a pic of the one I just made, it was great, highly reccommend making any of these.


Lets see what this week brings! Soon H x 5261165a13d12fa44d913a51d8c5b3a7

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n. frugality; the quality of being economical with money or food.

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6 in 6

my big fat 6 pack in 6 weeks challenge

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