Tag Archives: healthy-living

Emotions Everywhere and I’m Starting to Care!

5 Jun

So so much has happened since I last posted. It’s been surreal.

So I started work the following morning, it was damn hard but I enjoyed it, the things I saw were heartbreaking and very emotional. I watched as Rosie did everything and helped when I could. The next day was my turn to do everything, by our second call I thought I was dying, this lady I was with, was 47, two years ago, she had a tumor removed in her pituitary gland, that night she had a stroke. Her left arm is stuck at a 90 degree angle and her legs are massive with cellulitis and are rock hard, it’s such a sad thing, but after dealing with all that, I was dying! From that moment on I was on a downward spiral all day, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. By the time we got to a call, where I could see the woman didn’t have more than 24h to live, which broke my heart as it reminded me of my nan. I knew I couldn’t carry on, I was sick and dizzy and just not well at all! So I told Rosie I had to go home.
6093a188adddb804794445bb261bf32dI thought about what I was going to do, I knew with all my issues and now with my random sickness I get, I was confused. I really wanted this job, I was desperate for it, but could I actually physically do it?
I waited for my references to come through, and spoke to them about my concerns and they told me that they were going to ease me into it as I hadn’t worked for twenty years, so that made me feel better. I did however have my worries the whole time, but this was something I really wanted to do, so I pushed them aside.Then I got my start date!

I was so excited! They started me off with a lot of breaks in between calls. So I thought I would be okay. Oh how I wrong I was. By the time I had my long break I knew I was in trouble. I rang the office and said I was worried again, but I’d make an appointment with my doctor for the afternoon and speak to them and see what they said. She told me not to do anything as it was my first day, but I was worried, I knew how much pain I was in, she didn’t.
I went to my doctor told her what was happening and she said Hayley, you cannot control your pain when you’re doing nothing?! And you want to do a physical job..  It’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse.

I knew she was right, so I went home and made the phone call to them to say I couldn’t do it and I was distraught. I got home and sobbed and sobbed, I was gutted. I then sent one of the girls in the office a message saying how sorry I was etc etc. And she said to me they had been talking and thought what about if I just did sits. And I thought about it and said yeah I could do that, it’s easy, you sit with someone while their family member goes and does what they need to, mini respite for a few hours. How hard could that be!?

marcel-pariseau-quote-she-cant-deal-with-it-any-moreIt started off okay, then slowly they were putting more on me, there was a couple I was looking after on the weekends, who had dementia, they both had different types. And boy was it hard.
I don’t need to go over all the hard stuff that happened, but the day I realised that I couldn’t do it, was a Sunday I was at this couples house, and I fell asleep at the kitchen table, it was only nodding off, but I knew something wasn’t right, that’s not what I do, I started to be sick, so after a while, I rang and asked if I could go home early, and they told me there was no way I could leave, so I left it a bit longer and then sent a text message to their daughter and asked if I could leave and hour early, she told me she would be down right away.

So I left early and went home and I slept til the Tuesday, turned out I had tonsillitis again for the third time in three months! I was completely wiped out for two whole weeks again. I was so unwell. But that Sunday that I left their home, I knew I couldn’t do this job, if I couldn’t go home to be ill when I needed to, then I couldn’t do the job! It was just killing me.

I was distraught. But what could I do?

So now I’ve learnt my lesson I am not ready for work yet. So I’m going to wait until they force me to go and they can find me a job that I am able to do!

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So of course all this sent me into a downward spiral, I thought I was ready, I thought I was picking my life back up, albeit twenty years later, with arthritis in both hips and my spine and having gone through weight loss service, my stomach and intestines removed, divorced to the husband I thought I would always be with and our twenty year anniversary being in April, I wasn’t coping well at all.cognitive-behavior-therapy-for-depression-in-older-adultsnorthrop-29-728

My food took a hit. I was just eating junk, no real food going in me and I didn’t care. I was starving myself again nutritionally, filling my face with junk like I did when I was 32 stone.

People think it’s easy. Stop eating lose weight. They have no idea it’s a mental issue, not a greed thing. No one can understand unless you have ever been obese. And even then, no one else has any idea of what is going on with you and how you got to be the size you did. There are usually stories for the reasons people gain huge amounts of weight and usually it is not down to just greed alone.  It is so much more complex than that.

6c850e64994c356a69b9dcabb060ddd4But people judge. And boy do they judge obesity. I think I have said it before, but I think the reason get so angry and annoyed at obesity is because it can happen to them, so easily, just one thing changing in their lives can send them into the same spiral that I found myself in twenty years ago. It’s so easy for it to happen. 1lb 7lbs 20lbs it’s so easy to creep up  because of one thing that happens in your life, or it could be a huge life changing thing that happens.  We just don’t know the future and what could happen.
And I think that is why people judge so harshly with obesity. 

So I got to a point where I was starting to feel my clothes getting tighter, I was ignoring it. I didn’t care I wanted junk and only junk! But I knew I was screwing myself over, how could I carry on with what I was doing! I’m going to ruin everything.

So last week I closed my eyes and stepped in the scales! I wanted to hurt myself so much! From my lowest, I was only there for a day, but two and a half stone back on!

Wtf wtf wtf!

Ugh guess what today is the start of.

Pouch reset time.

So the last time I did this, I went almost four weeks without eating I was so petrified of eating again, I couldn’t make myself eat not matter what I did. Even seeing the psychologist didn’t help. The only thing that made me eat again was getting tonsillitis, I think that was my body saying hey missy, eat or I’m going to give you and illness you have never had in your life before because your immune system is so low right now!

Yeah that made me eat again!

And God did I eat again! That was the start of me not stopping which was just intensified when I realised I couldn’t work!

So I started with the five day pouch test and oh dear it started again! I got scared of eating, only kept it kind of under control, day five I managed to force myself to eat a cheese omelette in the evening and today I have made food.  Good real food that my body needs, not junk, I think I needed that to make me think about the fact I actually needed protein and vegetables and all things a good healthy vegetarian needs!

How long it will last is anyone’s guess, but here I am trying and writing on my blog again. It’s always good to write here, I know I’m doing okay when I’m back.

So here I am eating good food, writing and hoping to continue on the good path, though this time next week I shall be on a 90s weekend in Butlins, so I might be on a very strict time limit! Ha

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Soon, with luck!

H x

 

Work work work! 

1 Apr

So I woke up this morning heart racing, mind going crazy back in half, sciatica making me cry out in pain and I was petrified.
I knew that this was my last morning of waking up as normal.
Tomorrow when I do the exact same thing, I know my whole world is about to change.
To say I am scared is an understatement of epic proportions.
The last time I worked was in April 1996 and I was responsible for pressing ties! Yep those things you wear around your neck to go to your job where you probably sit at a desk, or for funerals, or interviews, usually guys, but hey girls wear them too!

f91cc77e8414cf2976b37f537ae98c18Tomorrow when I wake up and get myself ready and out to my car and drive to where I need to go, I am going to be responsible for humans! Real live people!
My life is about to change beyond all possible recognition.
Anxiety is all I feel right now, I have not felt comfortable since the moment I woke up, of course the pain doesn’t help and I’m thinking how on earth am I meant to look after other people when I’m in this much pain myself!
But in the same breath I also know I don’t want my life to carry on like it is.
I want to do something and I think I get on with people quite well and can take care of them, so in a way it does suit me.
I just hope I come back tomorrow and absolutely love what I have done but also shattered and want my bed! Lol
I’m not going to let my self disbeliefs take me down and stop me doing this.
I AM getting up at half five in the morning, and I WILL get ready for work and I SHALL go meet Rosie and start my work and help the faceless Mary! She is my first call as a support worker/carer! Me? A support worker and carer?!
This is surreal!
This is something I have to do or I am going to end up back at 32 stone again and I don’t want that.
Since being so so ill with the tonsillitis, I’ve eaten like a bitch and I’m not eating correctly now, I’m not getting any proteins or fibre in, my hair and nails are horrific and without even weighing I know I have put on weight and I have the nutritionist on Tuesday! So that’s another thing making me anxious.
So it’s all hopefully going to come together.
I will love my work and I will get control of my weight again, it’s like I’m not able to have a happy medium I either its everything or nothing at all, so with something else to focus on, hopefully everything will get back under control again and I will be OK.
I would definitely like another session with the psychologist again to discuss some things, I know where I’m going wrong, but sometimes it’s nice to have that objective person who wants to see you succeed for no other reason, than she’s being paid to! Lol
So yeah today everything is completely up in the air for me.

a_new_chapter-116151A whole twenty year absolutely appalling bad chapter of my life is coming to an end today and while I want more than anything for it to be gone, it’s also my comfort blanket and I am holding onto it for dear life while also wanting to let it blow off into the wind! And drown in the fucking ocean with the rest of all my bad shit!
It’s such a confusing, scary, anxious, exciting time for me and only tomorrow will I know how I feel.
Once I’ve made that initial getting out there and meeting Rosie I’m pretty sure I will be OK, it’s just that huge giant first leap for me, I’m scared I’m going to fall down into the abyss and no one will hear me scream!
That is the point of the abyss Hayley!

So a few hours have passed since I wrote that earlier sat in Costa with Latte in hand! I’m now at home and in twelve, yes twelve small hours, I’m going to be getting ready and scared senseless! When I got home I had a letter from Morriston asking me to go see the psychologist on Wednesday weirdly! So strange how I had said I wanted to see her earlier today and then it just appears, but I did have to ring up and change it, I can’t do that day as I’m in work til 15:00 and that’s half an hour later, so not feasible at all.

I don’t know how I feel right now, I’m numb and just want it to be this time tomorrow so I know what it was like.
I’m trying to put into words how I feel, but none of what I have written even comes close.
I spoke to my friend this morning and I get this!

Omg tell me I’m doing the right thing! I’m petrified Dan, fucking petrified
It’s a job which is much better than sitting at home everyday!
Thank you! Just what I needed!

f25e00aa39404dd4c885fe3131128a02He’s always a twat to me, but he tells me how it is.
Driving him home Sunday morning I wasn’t sure what we were talking about, but he kept telling me all things come to and end, so I say to him, you’re actually admitting its a good thing then? Because he hates letting me know he needs/wants me and he’s like but all things come to an end! So I ask, do you want this to end then, is that what you’re saying and he says no, that’s not what I’m saying.
He’s awful to me, but I’m addicted to him, so it’s shit!But with this new chapter in my life, I wont think about him as much and he will realise!

Oddly, if you have been following my blog from the start, you remember the guy I was with four years ago, he inexplicably added my sister on Facebook this week, then when she asked why, he said he had moved on etc but wondered how we all were, now this guy is in a relationship, he didn’t even like my sister when we were together and now adding her on Facebook… and he’s moved on?! By definition, that is NOT moving on.
Even if he wanted nothing to do with me, just the mere fact of adding her meant he thought of me.
Very very odd indeed.
Younger guys confuse me, yet I don’t want someone my own age!
I’m in a lonely pickle! lol

Anyway
Here is to all the new chapters, and to the next one that is changing my life for the better.
To being  from the person I was three years ago.

Thank you Roux-en-Y

Soon!

A very scared, anxious and tired H x

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Abso-fucking-lutely!

11 Feb

Well today was the day!
I got out and wasn’t sectioned! hahah

So I took a road trip today, another two hospital road trip with a guy who I have known for four days. More on him later!

Get to Morriston and go in and see Michelle and I explain to her my whole issue with hoarding and eating food, then I come on to my latest problem!
I haven’t eaten for 17 or 18 days now with the exception of Milk, protein powder, gum and now… wait for it!
RUSKS_VMIC_ORIGINALFarleys Rusks.
Yes those crunchy big biscuits for babies! How they hell they got into this no eating thing, I have no idea, but there we have it. Farleys Rusks, Hayleys food of choice!
After spending a very long hour, in which we discussed an awful lot including my marriage which made me cry when I realised how awful I had been to my ex husband, I had known this for a while, but speaking out loud, saying to someone that I would call him downstairs to get me another can of Pepsi Max from the kitchen which was probably twenty steps away, really upset me, if I had stayed being this me, the one who I was when we met, the one who I am again now after surgery, where could we have been, what could have happened to our lives if I had been normal! Who does that kind of thing. It was so selfish, everything was my way, he got a say in nothing and he always went along with it, no question because he loved me.
I think the relationship he is in now, might actually be the other way around and he is the more dominant one. I wish I had let us be equal and didn’t expect him to go out to work and provide for me and me do nothing, then when he came home, expected him to do everything else for me!
And I can’t even tell him how sorry I am.ab69b3f0b346ebfb002eccb61b2877a9
I’m not sure which is harder to deal with, knowing I destroyed our relationship and THEN ended it or not being able to say sorry for being the person I was and while being in control of him, I was in no way in control of myself!

It’s very hard to take now. But I have to move on.

So I’m thinking I have an issue with eating and she seems to think it’s not eating I have a problem with, I have gone weeks without eating proper food, I have gone up and down the sweet/crisp aisle dozens of times and I have not been affected by any of it, I do not want it. Which is always the case, even when I’m buying it, I stand there and wonder, what do I want, nothing in particular and also everything I can see, so I look and look and finally settle on something I think I might want!
quote-Jim-Evans-another-way-to-lose-control-is-to-83304So then I take that home and I feel the need to eat it all at once, or give it to my brother, because firstly there is guilt there because I bought it and secondly I didn’t want it anyway so I need to find a way to get it out of my house and the most obvious answer is to eat the damn stuff as fast as possible!
My problem is actually a fear of losing control of shopping.

How weird, yet it makes absolute sense.
I can go shopping and buy food and eat it perfectly fine when I am buying the right food for me, but I am actually petrified of being in the supermarket and losing control and buying the stuff I don’t actually want, then the whole cycle begins! Because that is the point I lose control, I can’t lose control when I’m sat at home thinking about it, as there is nothing in my house I can eat that will make me feel like that.
Food isn’t my problem (not in this case! clearly it has been!) but I am scared of losing control shopping!
So we came up with some ideas for me to counteract it and be back in control.
And I feel a whole lot better about the situation.
I may not be perfect straight away, but I will get there again and it’s made me feel so so so much better knowing I am not losing control of eating, I’m not eating so how can I be, I didn’t realise I actually have that under control! It’s a fear of shopping and losing control while I am there and there are so many ways I can prevent that now I feel alot better about the whole situation!
It’s funny as I wasn’t really expecting her to be able to help me that much and yet she really has. I guess these people have this job for a reason!

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Much more like it!

Last week I think I met three people three nights running and every single one of them told me I look so much prettier in real life than on my photos! It is still so hard for me to accept! I find it hard enough when people tell me I look pretty on my pics, i’m like wtf they looking at?! But then to be told it to my face is unreal and I still feel uncomfortable with it. I guess being a big fat blob for so long it will never feel any different.
However I cannot say it is not nice when I do hear it from someone!

The third person I met was only a last minute thing, someone cancelled on me and there was a guy I was talking to who lived close to me so I asked if he fancied going for a drive. He had said to me he was after nothing, so I thought why not!
I went and picked him and and we decided to go to the local services for a drink and I hadn’t shut up from the moment I picked him up!
When we got out of the car, something came to my mind so I said to him are you gay or bi, I have no idea why this even came to me, but he said yeah bi, I thought it was on my profile? I said I didn’t notice, which I hadn’t.
We sat there drinking and chatting for quite a while and we spoke about everything, nothing was off limits! And I was actually sad when I had to take him home. Next day I asked if he wanted to come for cuddles and a film and he said he would after work, this was all I wanted as I wasn’t sure how I felt about him being bisexual, so he turned up after work and I put a film on, but had to pause it as again we didn’t stop talking! A few hours later I said shall we go up to bed as my brother will be back soon and I knew he didn’t want to meet anyone yet, so we went upstairs and had a cuddle, movie on pause again and I looked up at him and I could see in his eyes he was desperate to kiss me! So I did.
Wow it was amazing and we did that for quite a while things progressed and stuff happens, but we didn’t have sex.

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Yeah defo!! <3

I had an amazing night, but on the way home I said to him, I really really don’t think you are actually in to women, and I explained my reasons for coming to this conclusion to him and he said to me he had never thought about it like that, but when I pointed it out to him it made perfect sense and he really needed to have a think about what he actually wanted!
The next day he told me he had come off all the dating apps as he needed to figure out what was going on and again he thanked me for making him look at things. He had never been in a relationship with a man, and he had been in a 17 month on off relationship with a girl.
But something just felt right with this guy, we have connected on such a level and we think each other are amazing, but we know thats it, we know we have a friendship for life and we will be very close! But then later that evening he messaged me and wasn’t quite sure how to put it, but the on/off ex had messaged him to tell him a one night stand she had told her he had chlamydia, she had told him there was no one else and they didn’t need to use condoms he was distraught in having to tell me and for himself, in finding out she had lied to him! But after my reaction he said I don’t even know why I worried as I forgot you are frigging awesome! So I said I would go to the clinic in the morning and did he want to come with, so he did and I told him to get everything done, including bloods. The chances of anything for me are extremely slim, I’m not worried we hardly touched. But I prefer being smart about sexual health!

So then we started our road trip to Swansea, normally I have to have the radio on loud, but yet again, talking was just too much, didn’t even listen to one song and we spoke the whole way there and back, I have no idea what we have left to talk about, but it seems like we have everything and nothing all at once and we just seem to make total sense with each other.

These words have so much meaning to me!

These words have so much meaning to me!

If I could bend him poker straight he would be my ideal guy. I abso-fucking-lutely love him!

He makes me so happy!

Valentines day is ours!

Oh I have also found one of the beautiful boys from butlins on one of these apps! AND he replied to my message!! :D

Soon

H x

Being controlled..

2 Jan

..by food, again.

JunkFoodGod it is tough. I have been on an emotional low for a few weeks. I had to go stay at my uncles in Coventry for about a week while he had a right hemi colonectomy for cancer.
It was such a huge emotional toll on me. Not necessarily for the fact of the cancer, but just because I was being relied on so much.
I was responsible for nothing four years ago. Absolutely nothing. My only job was to get myself to the toilet every day!
Now I was living in a city I didn’t know, with my uncle’s wife who I didn’t know and their four-year old son who I didn’t know. I would have had a total melt down four years ago, and while I was close to that now, I couldn’t let it happen.

motivational-sayings-motivational-quotes-for-work-working-hard-and-believe-in-yourself

Especially when that person was YOU!

I had to get Jo-an back and forth to the hospital as she can’t drive, has no family living here, is from the Philippines and they had no one to look after their son while she was at the hospital. So I felt every damn bit of pressure, completely on me. It was hard to say the least. It wasn’t the most straight forward of weeks at all and I felt like I had no one to lean on or help me. I did spend a day crying as I didn’t know what I was doing.

But I made it though! Me the girl who led on her floor crying because I couldn’t put electricity in the meter. Three people relied on me and I got us through it and did a pretty good job of it.

You did good Hayley. Be proud of that!

Its been about two weeks now and I am back home, my uncle is getting better, though we still don’t know if he needs chemotherapy, but should know by the end of this week.

Christmas was pretty shitty!

It was the first one I had alone, while last year I was technically alone, I was still with Matthew, so I didn’t feel completely alone. This was my first holiday alone in twenty years and I felt it.
No one understands how I feel as no one is in my situation, but as usual I carry on as if I don’t care and nothing bothers me, but it does.

Went into the New Year asleep. Couldn’t even be bothered with it.

So now I feel like I want to change. Some how I need to get a job I like this year. One that will keep my mind happy and my hands full so I don’t eat food.
I am fed up of being bored. I am fed up of having nothing to do. I would love to some how have a job that related to surgery but that would never happen over here like it can do for some in America.
Being a Health Care Assistant, would be something I would love, but again, getting into that seems almost impossible and I really don’t want to start out working in something I hate and regret doing it.

So I really need to have a long hard think about what to do and start making changes so I can do it.

I need to quit with the bad food choices too. It makes me feel so ill and I don’t enjoy anything then.
I wish surgery coud have affected the brain too, but sadly it doesn’t. It is and always will be a constant struggle and as long as I know this and vow to always be aware of what I’m doing I shouldn’t put weight back on.
I have accepted that I will not get any smaller without surgery to remove my excess skin and this upsets me, but I really can’t do anything to change that.

I was 448lbs. I have excess skin. Most people are around 300lb with this surgery. I was not. I have all that extra to deal with. I have to accept it.
I did it to myself, that is the price for being so morbidly obese.
I can do so much more I have to be thankful for that and focus on getting a job and getting surgery to remove the skin.
Those are my two main goals for 2016.

I probably need to track food again. Going to stay under 50/60g of carbs a day, but I must track to take accountability and I need to post more.
I notice I am MIA from here when I am doing badly.
Must force myself everyday! Wish there were more people to encourage! Say hi if you’re reading and are not shy! I know there are quite a few of you!
Where in your journey are you? Or are you just reading? Hoping never to get as big as I did and doing it the traditional way?
Would love to hear from more people!

Either way I hope you had a good holiday period and you get all your goals/wishes for 2016 if you set any!

Soon!

H x

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I found a bubble!

21 Jun

Had to take a break from the gym.
I hurt myself during the planking fun, and now my sciatica is playing up pretty bad in my right leg, so I was only going to the gym to walk on the treadmill or elliptical.
I don’t feel great about it, but there was nothing I could do, I just hope I can get back on it next week, can’t at the moment, I’m sitting in a very warm conservatory in Berkhamsted, watching Corrie and thinking I need to post!

The last two weekends have been great for my self esteem, but not for my weight!
Last Friday I got very very drunk. I don’t drink very often and thought I wouldn’t bother again, but Clare and Robert insisted! And I’m so glad I accepted, it was so much fun and I don’t think I have even been that drunk and the bonus was there was no hangover! I had a lovely weekend and it was over all too soon, but I knew I was going here (London) so had that to look forward to.

When I go back home, I really need to get back to basics before I ruin everything. It’s crazy how easy it is to allow bad things back in your life. I still have such a long way to go and so much to learn, after a lifetime of living the way I did, it’s not too much to expect bad times, as long as I recognise them, then it’s OK.

Friday nearly ended in disaster again. My plan was to drive to berkhamsted, got into the car to go to docs and pick up medication. I was feeling unwell thinking I just had a bad tummy because I haven’t been eating right at all. At the doctors Karen said I looked tired and I said I thought it was because of my tummy and was thinking I should go back home before I left.
Got to the chemist and I soon realised it wasn’t my tummy, it was the hernia again. Just what I wanted before a three odd hour journey. I popped back into the doctors to ask if they could quickly help but they said no they wouldn’t touch it and I needed to go to a&e as soon as possible. I got home as quickly as I could, ringing my dad on the way to say I needed hospital, I got in through the door and took everything off, it was all annoying me including my shoes and watch I ran upstairs to go to the toilet and my fingers and legs were going all tingly and cold, I shouted to my brother to say I thought I was going to faint. He wanted to call me an ambulance, I really thought I was going to need one, but I’m so scared of being a pain I managed to talk him out of it, dad arrived and made him call but I was shouting at them saying I needed to go now, so he cancelled it. Got in the back of dads car led down and just tried to breathe, the sweat was just dripping off me, it was like a tap, I guess that was my body’s way of dealing with the pain, otherwise I don’t know. I was shivering like hell and felt awfully sick.
Registered at the desk and they took me through within ten mins, saw a nurse who put on a cannula and took obs and she said I would be going through to majors. I got a wheelchair and taken over. Then the pain really kicked in, I was sat on a bench in so much pain. Leaning forward head in one of those cardboard sick bowls, my eyes wouldn’t stay open and I probably looked like I was in labour with my breathing lol
My mum and brother turned up to check on me, it was so hard to talk to them. They were there about twenty minutes and the pain got very intense and I thought oh crap, not again and with that it was gone! In one way I was so relieved but in the other I really wanted this whole thing over and get my operation done! I asked someone what I should do and they wanted me to wait, saw we did. I was now feeling very silly and so glad I didn’t have the ambulance.
About an hour later I finally got to see the doctor and all the bloods had come back fine, but he wanted to check one more to make sure there wasn’t any ischaemia, so I had another sample taken, with a rubber glove as a tourniquet! That was also fine, my bowel wasn’t dying! So obviously there was no point in having the operation now, just need to wait it out til next month he said and with that I was allowed to go home.

Dad dropped me home, I sorted our my hair and black eyes and off I went on my long journey. It’s a good drive I just get on the M4 all the way to the M25 and I’m almost there, nice and easy (though not on the way back it seemed!!)
I got to Berkhamsted and sat in Costa and met Robert. We went out for a lovely meal with his mum, on Saturday we went to London, I had never been before so I was very excited. The underground scared the hell out of me, so far down and bloody hot! We spent the whole day walking and shopping and Costa-ing I had a wonderful day and done 21,000 steps, I was so tired, but totally worth it.
I do still have a lot to work on with myself. Obviously being overweight all your life, you’re not exactly friends with yourself. I know some people say they are happy with it, but I never was, I have loathed myself most of my life and buried my feelings in food and my house by not leaving it. As a person I think I am quite happy though, so it’s weird, I don’t actually think of myself as negative, but I’m being made to realise I am and I have to try and change, if I do ever want to be OK with myself.
Rob is definitely opening my eyes up. My marriage was something that happened when I was young. We grew up together, but I was always in charge, he would never stand up to me, it was like he had no mind of his own and he was just happy to go along with whatever I said. While that is great for an easy life, it is not what I needed. I had moved away from home at a young age and had no support, I was making decisions that were just not right for me and I had no one to question it at all. We just went on year on year nothing changing except my size. Don’t get me wrong, we got on very well and I loved him, but it was more like a family love than something that excites and inspires you and is passionate and a little bit crazy. Having no children we could have experienced so much more in life but we didn’t. We sat in our home watching telly and playing computer games. At the time I thought this is what I wanted, he was a good person, but there was just no passion, no drive, just two people existing together quite happily waiting til whatever came along to shake it up a bit. Only nothing ever did. I loved him up until the day we split up, but as a friend said to me the other day having someone who doesn’t push you and has no mind of their own, it just becomes unattractive in the end, and I guess thats how it was so easy to just let 16 years together go. There was nothing there.
The person who came into my life after my husband left was just what I needed to get through my life at the time. He was too young and I was too old and very depressed, but he was there when I needed it and helped me through some hard times. We both knew deep down it would never go anywhere, but I cared for him alot. Everything was in complete secret with him though. No one knew we were together. I wasn’t ready and he wouldn’t have wanted to let anyone know he was with me and I don’t blame him for that at all. He was very stubborn and much more interesting relationship wise, because I couldn’t push him into what I wanted, but it was with him I made the decision I needed to have surgery and he was very good through that. I was very sad when we called time on what we had.
I’m not a person who wants to be in relationship after relationship, I saw that when I was growing up and decided that was not for me and I was lucky enough to meet Antony and thought that was it forever, clearly I was wrong then after Matthew I had decided that was it for a long long time at least. I was not interested I didn’t want to be that person.
Then Robert came into my life. He has been so good for me. I felt very uneasy to begin with and his intensity completely freaked me out at the start, but after staying at his last weekend I feel very different about it. We were in Costa in London on Saturday and I was slightly uncomfortable with it all, then all of a sudden it didn’t matter, we were in a very busy coffee shop and we were in our own little bubble, nothing else mattered, I didn’t care who was there or looking, it was just the two of us that existed and I absolutely loved that. I don’t think I have ever felt less self conscious in my life and I didn’t want it to end.
It’s really strange how the thing that was scaring me the most at the start is now the thing I crave the most from him.
It feels great to be like this, I am slowly letting my past go, along with my fears, I’m not saying it’s going to all happen today or even this month, but right now I know this person is making me very happy and I want to spend all my time in our blissful little bubble!

This post has taken me over a week to write, I think I’ll finish it for now, there is alot more I can add, I might continue at some point. Again if none of this is good, its because its been done in bits and on my mobile when I’ve been out lol so appologies!

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Weekenders

27 Jan

I started a gym membership two weeks ago, but I really hate where it is! And it’s scary walking through Newport at night, luckily it’s a contractless one, so I don’t need to keep going, just annoyed though cos it’s a really nice place. Maybe when they finish Friars Walk I’ll go back, who knows, but in the meantime, my lovely (sometimes!!!) friend has bought me something to be getting on with, finally getting the Fitbit Surge! Yay, so happy it’s coming tomorrow. I am such a fussy cow, I have tried countless fitness watches and sent them all back, cos I knew in my heart I wanted whatever the replacement was for the fitbit that was pulled last year and finally tomorrow I get it!

I have my car back permanent today, I have been out driving most of the day, I just need someone to sit with me so I can do it more, I love being able to drive, I just hope I pass all the tests, really want to get out there by myself so I can get better and not rely on anyone, no stopping me soon!

I have noticed I find it really easy to eat bad food, not because it’s what  I want, but because it doesn’t sit heavy in my pouch, this is so not what I want though. So back to lots of protein today, before I had scrambled eggs I was desperate to have a digestive biscuit as soon as I started eating the eggs, I was so damn full and that’s what has always been my problem, so I need to keep it in check before I go any further, I eat all the junky non nutritious food before I bother to go and cook because it’s “easy” yes Hayley an easy way to sit in the house and not go out not move not breathe and not live life. Let’s not go back there shall we.

Protein, Protein, Protein!

I waste so much damn food though. Eat LEFTOVERS!!!! I am bloody useless lol

I had a lovely weekend, my friend came to visit me, we had a very lazy weekend, staying snuggled up nice and warm while watching loads of films, of course he bought junk food, while I had some I didn’t go overboard, it’s just not worth it I guess, I don’t seem to get early dumping though, mine seems to be late and I really don’t like that feeling!
We even went to cinema and had no snacks there, I was very impressed with myself, however we did go to Pizza Hut after and I had a salad and a slice of a child’s pizza lol it was nice and it was enough, brought the rest home and I didn’t touch it, the dogs enjoyed it!

The dogs should get a nice walk tomorrow when I get my watch on!

So excited

Todays quote is something I need to remember every single day. I shall never master this, just learn to deal with it the best I can.

Soon H x

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Moving More

18 Jan

Walking has been such an issue for me for quite a while.

Back pain
Foot burn
Sweating
Shoulder pain
Hip pain
Breathless

Those are just a few of the things I can think of right now.
I hated it, I didn’t want to walk anywhere, if I could find a way to get closer to where I was going by car, then I would, much to my sister’s annoyance lol, but I’m so happy to say that most of the problems have gone away, but the weird thing is, I don’t remember not feeling like that, ever, when I was going up in weight I can’t remember not being in pain at this weight. I feel like I have always been in pain, so to walk now and not feel so bad, is a wonderful feeling. I love being able to walk and not get breathless and my feet not burn like mad. I’ve also started putting music on loud and just standing up and dancing! I haven’t ever done that, but it feels good, I hate the fat jiggling about, but my dogs seem to enjoy it and I definitely do, so it’s all good for now, long as no one walks in my house and catches me!! I do still need to get out walking more, but I am enjoying the changes so much, even if I do get miserable every so often, hopefully it will pass soon and I’m looking forward to see what happens in the next few months.

I am half way through the day today and I have not given into the biscuit or Jaffa cake temptations. I really don’t want to give them away or throw them out, I want to be able to control myself properly, but goddamnit its hard. But I’m gonna do this!

I am keeping one of my tablets close to me all day I have decided, so I can try and write some more, just for me, it will probably just be none sense or useless to anyone else, but this is mainly about me, so I’m thinking so what, I started this for me, yes I allow others to read and I enjoy it when people contact me or leave a message, but it’s about my journey whether I feel good or bad, happy or sad, I want to document it, even if it’s only a few lines.
So it’s part of new plan :)

Soon H x

note-to-self-stay-focused

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