Tag Archives: healthy

Emotions Everywhere and I’m Starting to Care!

5 Jun

So so much has happened since I last posted. It’s been surreal.

So I started work the following morning, it was damn hard but I enjoyed it, the things I saw were heartbreaking and very emotional. I watched as Rosie did everything and helped when I could. The next day was my turn to do everything, by our second call I thought I was dying, this lady I was with, was 47, two years ago, she had a tumor removed in her pituitary gland, that night she had a stroke. Her left arm is stuck at a 90 degree angle and her legs are massive with cellulitis and are rock hard, it’s such a sad thing, but after dealing with all that, I was dying! From that moment on I was on a downward spiral all day, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. By the time we got to a call, where I could see the woman didn’t have more than 24h to live, which broke my heart as it reminded me of my nan. I knew I couldn’t carry on, I was sick and dizzy and just not well at all! So I told Rosie I had to go home.
6093a188adddb804794445bb261bf32dI thought about what I was going to do, I knew with all my issues and now with my random sickness I get, I was confused. I really wanted this job, I was desperate for it, but could I actually physically do it?
I waited for my references to come through, and spoke to them about my concerns and they told me that they were going to ease me into it as I hadn’t worked for twenty years, so that made me feel better. I did however have my worries the whole time, but this was something I really wanted to do, so I pushed them aside.Then I got my start date!

I was so excited! They started me off with a lot of breaks in between calls. So I thought I would be okay. Oh how I wrong I was. By the time I had my long break I knew I was in trouble. I rang the office and said I was worried again, but I’d make an appointment with my doctor for the afternoon and speak to them and see what they said. She told me not to do anything as it was my first day, but I was worried, I knew how much pain I was in, she didn’t.
I went to my doctor told her what was happening and she said Hayley, you cannot control your pain when you’re doing nothing?! And you want to do a physical job..  It’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse.

I knew she was right, so I went home and made the phone call to them to say I couldn’t do it and I was distraught. I got home and sobbed and sobbed, I was gutted. I then sent one of the girls in the office a message saying how sorry I was etc etc. And she said to me they had been talking and thought what about if I just did sits. And I thought about it and said yeah I could do that, it’s easy, you sit with someone while their family member goes and does what they need to, mini respite for a few hours. How hard could that be!?

marcel-pariseau-quote-she-cant-deal-with-it-any-moreIt started off okay, then slowly they were putting more on me, there was a couple I was looking after on the weekends, who had dementia, they both had different types. And boy was it hard.
I don’t need to go over all the hard stuff that happened, but the day I realised that I couldn’t do it, was a Sunday I was at this couples house, and I fell asleep at the kitchen table, it was only nodding off, but I knew something wasn’t right, that’s not what I do, I started to be sick, so after a while, I rang and asked if I could go home early, and they told me there was no way I could leave, so I left it a bit longer and then sent a text message to their daughter and asked if I could leave and hour early, she told me she would be down right away.

So I left early and went home and I slept til the Tuesday, turned out I had tonsillitis again for the third time in three months! I was completely wiped out for two whole weeks again. I was so unwell. But that Sunday that I left their home, I knew I couldn’t do this job, if I couldn’t go home to be ill when I needed to, then I couldn’t do the job! It was just killing me.

I was distraught. But what could I do?

So now I’ve learnt my lesson I am not ready for work yet. So I’m going to wait until they force me to go and they can find me a job that I am able to do!

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So of course all this sent me into a downward spiral, I thought I was ready, I thought I was picking my life back up, albeit twenty years later, with arthritis in both hips and my spine and having gone through weight loss service, my stomach and intestines removed, divorced to the husband I thought I would always be with and our twenty year anniversary being in April, I wasn’t coping well at all.cognitive-behavior-therapy-for-depression-in-older-adultsnorthrop-29-728

My food took a hit. I was just eating junk, no real food going in me and I didn’t care. I was starving myself again nutritionally, filling my face with junk like I did when I was 32 stone.

People think it’s easy. Stop eating lose weight. They have no idea it’s a mental issue, not a greed thing. No one can understand unless you have ever been obese. And even then, no one else has any idea of what is going on with you and how you got to be the size you did. There are usually stories for the reasons people gain huge amounts of weight and usually it is not down to just greed alone.  It is so much more complex than that.

6c850e64994c356a69b9dcabb060ddd4But people judge. And boy do they judge obesity. I think I have said it before, but I think the reason get so angry and annoyed at obesity is because it can happen to them, so easily, just one thing changing in their lives can send them into the same spiral that I found myself in twenty years ago. It’s so easy for it to happen. 1lb 7lbs 20lbs it’s so easy to creep up  because of one thing that happens in your life, or it could be a huge life changing thing that happens.  We just don’t know the future and what could happen.
And I think that is why people judge so harshly with obesity. 

So I got to a point where I was starting to feel my clothes getting tighter, I was ignoring it. I didn’t care I wanted junk and only junk! But I knew I was screwing myself over, how could I carry on with what I was doing! I’m going to ruin everything.

So last week I closed my eyes and stepped in the scales! I wanted to hurt myself so much! From my lowest, I was only there for a day, but two and a half stone back on!

Wtf wtf wtf!

Ugh guess what today is the start of.

Pouch reset time.

So the last time I did this, I went almost four weeks without eating I was so petrified of eating again, I couldn’t make myself eat not matter what I did. Even seeing the psychologist didn’t help. The only thing that made me eat again was getting tonsillitis, I think that was my body saying hey missy, eat or I’m going to give you and illness you have never had in your life before because your immune system is so low right now!

Yeah that made me eat again!

And God did I eat again! That was the start of me not stopping which was just intensified when I realised I couldn’t work!

So I started with the five day pouch test and oh dear it started again! I got scared of eating, only kept it kind of under control, day five I managed to force myself to eat a cheese omelette in the evening and today I have made food.  Good real food that my body needs, not junk, I think I needed that to make me think about the fact I actually needed protein and vegetables and all things a good healthy vegetarian needs!

How long it will last is anyone’s guess, but here I am trying and writing on my blog again. It’s always good to write here, I know I’m doing okay when I’m back.

So here I am eating good food, writing and hoping to continue on the good path, though this time next week I shall be on a 90s weekend in Butlins, so I might be on a very strict time limit! Ha

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Soon, with luck!

H x

 

Finally went walkies!

4 Sep

I almost went the other day, but got distracted by a friend and am so bored at the moment, so I took my dogs and went up the mountain!

I didn’t go all the way up, I drove up as high as I could and took a slow walk across the flattest part. There are a few inclines, but nothing like walking from either carpark up to Blaen Bran or to the top where the ariel is.

The sun was shining and the breeze was lovely, it was just what we needed, poor dogs haven’t been out far in three weeks. We sat on a tree log for a while and just enjoyed it.2015-09-04 13.08.51On the way back I did get a little tired, its funny how not working out for three weeks can change your fitness, okay there was an operation and complications in the middle of that, but it was strange getting tired on that little walk, I am so missing going to the gym and can’t wait until I can get back to it.

Packing!

Packing!

The one district nurse Lindsey thinks I will be done by next week. Still can get a fair bit of packing in there and changing to the aquacel has made it bleed more, just want it all to be finished now. Hopefully soon!

Food is still going well, staying away from carbs and feeling good about that. I haven’t even craved anything during the week before my period which is a bonus! Normally I am horiffic the week before craving everything in sight.

I’m debating whether to actually go on real dates at the moment too. Like I said before I have been talking to people, but most of them are so damn odd! The amount of strange things people have said to me over the last few weeks has been unreal! When I was last single, men were NOT like this at all. I have no idea what these “men” think women want these days, all I know it is not what they are offering me! Well not for me anyway, I have no idea about other people, but my god, it is awful! I think I could start a whole new blog on internet dating and the things they say! It would be quite funny!

Anyone know where all the normal men are these days? Someone guide me that way please!

Soon

H x

Well that’s a nice suprise!

2 Sep

2015-09-02 08.37.57I woke up to this number this morning. Very happy Hayley!

I cannot remember being in this stone bracket on the way up, I remember being in the 16s and 18s but not this. The last time I would have weighed this was sometime in 1996, almost 20 years ago!

Oh well at least its going down now. I have been stuck in the 18s for such a long time. Probably three months, but I’ve made some changes this week and it’s moving again.

Guess what the problem is.. carbs. Cut them down and it starts moving, even without exercising, as I haven’t done any of that, cannot wait to get back to it, but I think it’s going to be at least another two weeks. My carbs have probably been under 60g a day, I haven’t actually tracked them, though I should. Still driking my lattes though, so I know it’s still quite high.

2015-09-02 11.37.53I’m slowly healing, have the district nurse coming everyday to pack and change the dressing. Shes just been and it’s surprising how much aquacel can fit in the cavity! But that’s alot better than the kaltostat I had up til yesterday. I hate the fact that they burned me with what I’m assuming is the cauterising tool! Made me mad. It’s all a mess, but at least its a healing mess now lol

In more good news, I bought myself a jacket from Next yesterday, in a size 20 and I love it. I also tried on the jeans I bought from there a few weeks ago and they fit quite well I even feel comfortable sat down. So everything is all going in the right direction again.

Editing to say I just wore the jacket out and it was really weird,I have never worn green before or a jacket like this! I almost feel….   Normal!

2015-09-02 11.54.44

New Jacket!

I’ve had a few bad months, but that’s all passed me now and I’m quite happy again!

I hopefully have an exciting week next week. Not sure I’m doing the right thing yet, but time will tell and I’ll let you know if/when it happens!

Soon

H x

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Oh Positive!

13 Aug

How ironic.
I have been called the opposite of that lately, but I am filled with positivity! It runs through my veins baby!
Feels a bit strange knowing this little bit of information, I have no idea what I can do with it and to half the world knowing their blood group is just a given. But we don’t get told it here. I knew they were taking it for this op though and it just dawned on me to ask, so the nurse looked it up for me and I am;

O Positive Blood

O Positive Blood

Because your blood group is O Rh positive, you are especially important.

Around 38% of the donor population share your group, but what makes you even more important is that, if necessary, your blood can be given to anyone who is Rh positive (regardless of their blood group) – and that’s a staggering 83% of people.

So your blood could help eight out of every ten hospital patients, whether they’re mothers and new-born babies, people being treated for cancer, or having planned operations like a hip replacement.

Female donors can give blood three times a year and male donors can give blood four times a year. So please be sure to keep up your outstanding work and donate regularly if you possibly can.

you_are_so_special-54974I feel special!

But not unique! Oh well can’t be everything lol

I had no sleep at all last night, I started writing this post about 5am then got distracted by something I read on Facebook (yes I’m back on there sadly!) it was an article about concealed depression and I felt like I was reading something written just for me. It all just seemed to make sense. I understood every single point that was being made and I could see myself in it. No one knows what goes on inside the mind of another. I appear very happy to people, always smiling and talking to people, but no one feels what I do and up til now I didn’t get it myself but this article showed me just what I’ve been doing most of my life.

1. They may intentionally make efforts to appear OK and maybe even seem exponentially happy and upbeat.
The idea that those with depression all have one similarly dreary personality is false. Depression is more than just a mood. Those who live with depression have learned to alter their apparent moods, and may even be some of the most seemingly “happy” people that you know. Personalities can vary. Often those with depression try to stick with the positive and public parts of their demeanor regardless of what they’re going through on the inside. No one wants to bring others down, even if that means hiding how he or she is truly feeling.

I am so good at this now I don’t even know I’m doing it.

Point 3 is so truthful it actually hurts to read!

3.They may have trouble with abandonment.
Anyone who has experienced depression understands the burden it can be. It can also be a burden for those closest to them. Sometimes when you let someone in enough to see the struggles you have, they walk the other way. Though it’s hard to blame these people for leaving, it creates a serious feeling of abandonment for those with depression. It forges a need for secrecy, out of fear of the recession of those they love. There is nothing more heartbreaking than finding out your ugliest layer of self is too ugly for someone you love to handle.

And only recently have I discovered how bad it was. I have trouble letting go of things. You’ve probably read that here yourself, but certain people who were in my life, know this too well, but instead of trying to understand and realise something isnt right, they cut me out of their life at a time when I need them the most. I am always the one who tries to get in touch first when something goes wrong with a friend, because I just can’t cope without them. I hate myself, hate life, hate everything until I make things right, but I’m now realising that’s not always possible and its not my fault, I have to try and let go, no matter how much it hurts. If people don’t want to be in my life or want me to be in theirs, then I have to respect that and let them get on with it. It doesn’t make me a bad person.

5. They may have abnormal sleeping and eating habits.
This may seem like a small sign or factor, but it has a grave effect. Those who live with depression in an unrevealing way can sometimes only let the little signs show. Sleeping too much or too little are textbook examples. The same goes for eating too little or too much. Sleep and nutrition are two critical elements to health. They are also two elements that the human mind can attempt to control. Depression creates a suffocating lack of control, and being able to control at least something, can be all a person has. Sleep can be nearly impossible, or it can be the only escape. The same goes for eating.

When I feel abandoned, all I want to do is go to bed, try and sleep and make the pain go away, I don’t want to do anything. It’s the most horrible feeling. I hate it, I can only function when I come up with a plan to make things better with the person I’m fighting with. Sometimes it works, sometimes it makes things worse! So the whole cycle starts again.

6. They may understand substances differently.
A person who handles their depression also knows how to monitor what they put into their body. They know alcohol is a depressant, and drinking it over an extended period of time can create a mental state of low that they are less equipped to handle than the average person. They know that caffeine and sugar are uppers for their moods. They know what medications do what. They know what doesn’t mix well. They know all of this because altering their state of mind in any way is much more of a responsibility than it may be for other people.

This explains so much. Why I’ve stayed away from alcohol for almost twenty years. How when I was happy for a brief moment, I was able to drink and enjoy it! And why sugar has played such a huge, but bad role in my life. Self medication!

10. They at some times will release subtle cries for help.
Even a person who knows how to live with the burden of their own mind can need help. Outcries from people you aren’t expecting are easily overlooked. Sometimes it isn’t safe for people to be on their own with their depression; as much as they say differently. Sometimes they will reach out. Sometimes they will open up. These moments are the most crucial, because they are especially powerful. They are what builds a bridge between people who have different levels of emotions and mindsets. They are what creates a closeness and trust among friends and lovers that isn’t always easy if some feel they have to camouflage their true selves.

I wish this had been seen by the people I needed to see it the most. When I was off my medication and trying so desperately to hold onto something that was bad for me, I wish you could have held my hand through it and help me out of it. absense in lifeI am feeling in a better place now, but that’s probably because I am back on new medication, plus new people in my life are helping me in ways they don’t even know. I need to try and not depend on people, but it can be so hard when you form connections. I have tried reaching out to people, but its gone ignored and it makes me sad, but I can hold my head high, knowing I can do the right thing. I am not a bad person, just someone who makes mistakes and learns by them and hopes not to repeat them again, but that doesn’t mean I wont, but does that mean you get to walk away as if I never existed? I guess that’s on you and your own conscience.

11. They seek love and acceptance, as every person does.
Shielding the world from one’s personal demons is not done so for the sake of dishonesty. People who live with depression in a private and undisclosed way do so for protection. This is for the protection of their hearts. This is for the protection of the people around them. This is for the protection of the success of their dreams. Some of those reading this may have felt an eerie connection to these habits. Whether you have been treated for depression, or you simply have treated yourself, you know how easy it is to feel alone. I entitled this article about those with unseen depression, but the truth is that most depression goes unseen by our human nature. We live in a world that encourages us to hide what is dark and unpleasant. We don’t have to.

The most important habit and motivation of those with unseen depression to understand is that they search for love and acceptance. open-your-heartWe all do. The only way to gain it is to spread it. Never turn away from a person who seems to be struggling. Love when it’s difficult. Cry when you need to. Reach out when someone closes the door. Open your heart, even if it feels terrifying to do so. If we keep forcing the bad to go unseen, the good will also go unseen.

Open your heart!

Especially to someone you care about who is struggling with life. You may not like what they’re doing, but they will appreciate it in the long run when they are far enough away from the pain to see what happened.

So yeah this really opened up my eyes to understand my own world. How and why I sometimes do things that I don’t understand. Life isn’t always straight forward and the things we do can make no sense, but then something comes along and its like a lightbulb was turned on! an AH-HAH moment!

I was thinking about this all night then, I couldn’t get it out of my head and really wanted to write it down so I don’t forget it. It might help someone else, but mainly it’s mostly for me.

2015-08-13 13.38.17

My belly button is here somewhere lol

I saw a surgeon around 08:30 this morning. He told me the hernia was rather large, the hole was small but there was a big sac that had pushed through with alot of stuff in it, which might explain why it took so damn long, because they only told me it would take about an hour, but the time missing from my life is four bloody hours! So where did they go? What were they doing? Did they have a party in my tummy? It actually feels like it! And did they shave around my belly button! Not a happy bunny! I’m so tender and my mouth is so dry and sore from the tube. He said they didn’t use a mesh they were able to sew it up and he said I was free to go! So I rang my dad and was home by 9am. Im trying my hardest to stay awake as long as possible, so I don’t mess up my sleeping. I don’t know if I will make it though and I really, really, really! want a bath and I can’t have one yet.

Oh and to top things off, about three weeks, yes THREE weeks of no driving! What will I do. That is not going to work for me.

Being in there has definitely made my mind up on one thing though, I really want to be a Health Care Assistant! Some how I have to get into it. It’s just so hard these days, but I shall be persistent.

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So I shall take my O-so-Positive body and work on the things I need to. Become less depressed and less dependent and more HCA. It is my plan!

Got to love a plan!

Soon

H x

Time sink

7 Aug

So I’ve been off Facebook for most of this week. I went back for a day or two, but have left again and I now realise how much time I’ve spent on there. You don’t think you do, but apparently that’s not true in my case.

My fingers and mind have nothing to do lol I had alot of news likes on there and it was easy to read and now I can’t see it, it feels like too much effort to go to each site to find it all. I liked having it all there in front of me.

So what to do now?

Without my Facebook AND friends this week I need to find a new way to entertain myself. Maybe I will get lost in Pinterest or YouTube.

I do have one idea, thats already been put into motion and I am hugely proud of myself for it. Only one person knows I’ve done this, so if nothing happens, it doesn’t matter as that person is now irrelevant in my life.

I do have high hopes though and it will take away my boredom issue instantly!

sad-quotes-about-life27Trust.

I’ve been thinking alot about it lately.

It’s a funny little thing. When you meet someone it’s kind of implicitly given. There is no communication about it, it just happens.
And it grows.
But when that is broken and the bond is gone, no matter what you do, it can never ever be the same. The connection is damaged, you can try and work around it, or over it or even with it, but in those moments when you don’t know where or what that person is doing, will you ever feel truly comfortable again?
It applies to both friendships and relationships.

I’m at a point where I need to make a decision to move forward or go back to something I once trusted completely, but was betrayed. Is it worth it? Will it bring back more bad memories than I really need to deal with right now. In one way it is tempting, because there were some very happy times, but in another I want to run away from it and never think about it again!

So many decisions right now.

some-of-the-best-moments-in-life-are-the-ones-you-cant-tell-anyone-about-quote-1I have been worried about this medication all night, so I rang the doctors this morning and he got back to me a few hours ago and has agreed to change it over for me, nearly made me go back on citalopram, but I managed to get out of that. I do have my reasons for not going back on that, lets just say I forgot what I was missing until I had it back again and I don’t want to lose it ever again!

I have a friend who has been on alot of this medication, shes on antipsychotics, antidepressants, mood stabilizers etc how she functions I’ll never know, so we were sat having a coffee after our gym session earlier and she was going through all of them telling me what her experience was with them and which might be good for me!
She thinks it’s better to try and get back on something now before I end up too low and its harder to get back out of bad place. I agree with her, but there is also a tiny part of me that doesn’t want to go back on them
Yesterday I was feeling alot better in the evening, but I had taken something and was on morphine, so was it a psychological thing? Have I just decided I’m not going to let others affect me and how I feel as no matter what they have said to me, they are not in my head and they don’t know whats going on and why I do what I do or do I just not give a damn anymore.things_end,_people-119994
If you can’t understand me, or even accept what I do, then I don’t need you and I am better off without you. It’s funny though, people don’t want to be in my life, yet here they are reading my blog! How funny. Yes I can see you :)

Anyway, I guess I either have to limit what I say, change blogs or give up altogether, not decided yet.

Back to the gym!

And to get my HAPPY pills!

Soon.

Maybe :)

H x

To Mr Smith.. who I once knew.. but which one? :D

To Mr Smith.. who I once knew.. but which one? :D

I conquered the Wave!

24 Jul

Be warned this post WILL contain some swearing!

Two times at the gym again today, loving it, but it’s got me thinking.

LUSH!!!

LUSH!!!

This is me after 200 cals burned on the cross trainer,  I put the effort in and I turn in to sweaty betty, I put it up to 25 effort and bloody work as hard as I can.

My clothes are wet my face is wet and I feel fantastic. When I’m on the weights for my legs I have it set to 30-45kg and I can bloody feel it, today I actually noticed an improvement, normally my legs will only go so far on the adductor and it hurts, I did that so much easier today I felt a little but pleased with myself. But I look around and see past the grunters, we all know who they are, weights as high as they can gurning with the loudest “..eurgh” they can master, and I see the people who just seem to be there to watch the TV on the machines, they’re effort is set at 1 and they are not putting anything in and seem to be having a leisurely time? Now what the fuck is up with that?
Sweat Sparkle

They are all so beautifully slim, hair perfect, makeup done to perfection and not a drop of sweat, wait, excuse me, I mean sparkle on them! Where did I go so tragically wrong that they get to look like that and I got to 32 stone. Okay maybe by just turning up to the gym there was some secret slim society I was unaware of in my teens and twenties and if I had the guts to go at that age I would have magically stayed a healthy weight. But how do they do it? Why do they get to put zero, and I mean ZERO effort in and get to look like that!?
I am seriously baffled by this phenomenon and I know I missed out on the memo at some point in my life, it must have got lost in the post somewhere in time.
Okay, okay I know in reality it’s all my own fault.
Depression is not a good thing and you don’t even know you have it when you do. Me and Clare were talking about it the other day and when you’re in it, to you it’s just life, it’s normal, you just think that’s the way it’s meant to be, until you realise you need help.
quote-easy-225x300I really do know that if I could have seen it, then I could have prevented it all, but I really couldn’t, I didn’t want to be like that, in reality I couldn’t see myself getting bigger, I couldn’t see how bad my life had got. I thought I was happy and okay, I had my husband and I thought that was all I needed. How wrong could I have been.
But now I’m out of it and I see what’s happened, what I did to myself and how I would do anything to go back and make the correct choices it is bloody annoying when I see them in there so jauntily talking and walking, like “yeah I’m doing this I’m so good, I deserve to look this good and be so fit and healthy!” Fuck you, you ARE just lucky, clearly because that shit there ain’t making you fitter or healthier!

...And breathe...

..ANNNND..Breath..

My persistence has paid off though, I have finally figured out the wave machine, I knew something wasn’t right with that, the first day I tried it, it felt totally alien and I couldn’t get it, but the next day I jumped back on and with the assistance of my #gymbunny guide, I got that thing down and it is frigging awesome! You can really feel it working the inner and outer thighs. I love it!

I am so happy right now!

Soon

H x

Choose-happiness-quotes

I can beat myself!

20 Jul

I love the things I can just do now.

I messaged Clare to say I needed to talk, I was off to Costa, cos you know, I can drive now! And her husband brought her to me and it was nice sitting there moaning, her two youngest girls came too and it was a beautiful day, so we decided to go up Twmbarlwm, it’s the most scary drive E.V.E.R. The lane is only just big enough for one car and even then it’s pushing it, we had branches and twigs hitting us and when another car comes the other way, we start screaming! Not fun when I’m trying to keep myself alive let alone my friend, a five and three year old! Ugh I am responsible for that. So much pressure!!

We make it to the car park in one piece and are greeted with the climb to the top of the mountain.

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Even looking back at this height there is a really good view, but when we get to the top it’s amazing, and its 360 degrees. I love it. When you reach the pimple at the top (locals call it something else!) you are so hot but luckily the wind picks up nicely, so you have a breeze cooling you back down, which I most definitely need!

Looking out over the Bristol Channel

Looking out over the Bristol Channel

Yesterday was a good food day, lots of protein. I do think I’m getting alot more hungry, which I’m hoping is down to the exercise I’m doing.

I went to the gym twice again today. I beat my first go on the cross trainer when I went back, so that made me happy. Though I noticed when I took the pic it said the effort was 12… it so was not! It was set at 25 all through the exercise, I guess it dropped down to that at the end! I like beating myself :)

Hoping to go again twice tomorrow as well.
I go to that gym now, not bothering about anyone, I smile at people and carry on doing what I’m doing, listening to the songs in my head and pushing myself, sweat dripping off my face (which I hate with a passion!) and I just don’t care, the more I sweat the better I feel now. I know I am pushing myself with all I can. I want this so much, I want to be stronger, fitter, healthier, I want to be me, but better. I wish so much I could have had that when I was younger, I might not have got to where I did.
I see people in there and I feel sad for them, especially if they are young and can see them heading for where I was and I just want to scream at them. They sit there on the machines, putting in no effort whatsoever and it’s quite depressing. I know that there is nothing you can do until you are ready for it, until something clicks in your own head and maybe you will never get it. I left it too late before it clicked for me and we all know what I had to do to make myself better.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my bypass with everything I am, but I wish I it would have happened for me when I was younger,

How far

whether that is me going it alone, or finally being brave enough to admit I needed the help. With all my heart I wish I had done this sooner.
But I am now doing the best I can for myself and that’s all we can expect. I felt such a buzz today sat on the adductor. I could feel the muscles in my legs working. I haven’t had that for a long time and I most definitely liked it, I wanted more. I felt happy. I felt alive. It was good.

I am completely drug free at the moment (barring any bypass drugs ofc!!) I came off my last medical one this past week and oh my! My eyes have opened with how stunted my emotions have been. I am grateful to citalopram for allowing me to go out again, so very, very grateful, but for what it was suppressing for six years I am most definitely not! Maybe one day I shall explain, but lets just say I am enjoying every single feeling I now have back! ;) ..though I might have to deal with my whole marriage breakdown soon.. don’t want to deal with that..
On Sunday I am doing a 5k walk with my old Slimming World group, we are doing Race for Life. I’m looking forward to that, last year I went to cheer them on, hoping I could do it, but me and my dogs just watched, can’t believe I’m actually going to be doing it this year. I have my pink T-shirt ready to go and I will be taking pics, so expect lots! Exciting times!

Soon

H x

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