Tag Archives: hernia

Finally went walkies!

4 Sep

I almost went the other day, but got distracted by a friend and am so bored at the moment, so I took my dogs and went up the mountain!

I didn’t go all the way up, I drove up as high as I could and took a slow walk across the flattest part. There are a few inclines, but nothing like walking from either carpark up to Blaen Bran or to the top where the ariel is.

The sun was shining and the breeze was lovely, it was just what we needed, poor dogs haven’t been out far in three weeks. We sat on a tree log for a while and just enjoyed it.2015-09-04 13.08.51On the way back I did get a little tired, its funny how not working out for three weeks can change your fitness, okay there was an operation and complications in the middle of that, but it was strange getting tired on that little walk, I am so missing going to the gym and can’t wait until I can get back to it.



The one district nurse Lindsey thinks I will be done by next week. Still can get a fair bit of packing in there and changing to the aquacel has made it bleed more, just want it all to be finished now. Hopefully soon!

Food is still going well, staying away from carbs and feeling good about that. I haven’t even craved anything during the week before my period which is a bonus! Normally I am horiffic the week before craving everything in sight.

I’m debating whether to actually go on real dates at the moment too. Like I said before I have been talking to people, but most of them are so damn odd! The amount of strange things people have said to me over the last few weeks has been unreal! When I was last single, men were NOT like this at all. I have no idea what these “men” think women want these days, all I know it is not what they are offering me! Well not for me anyway, I have no idea about other people, but my god, it is awful! I think I could start a whole new blog on internet dating and the things they say! It would be quite funny!

Anyone know where all the normal men are these days? Someone guide me that way please!


H x


Well that’s a nice suprise!

2 Sep

2015-09-02 08.37.57I woke up to this number this morning. Very happy Hayley!

I cannot remember being in this stone bracket on the way up, I remember being in the 16s and 18s but not this. The last time I would have weighed this was sometime in 1996, almost 20 years ago!

Oh well at least its going down now. I have been stuck in the 18s for such a long time. Probably three months, but I’ve made some changes this week and it’s moving again.

Guess what the problem is.. carbs. Cut them down and it starts moving, even without exercising, as I haven’t done any of that, cannot wait to get back to it, but I think it’s going to be at least another two weeks. My carbs have probably been under 60g a day, I haven’t actually tracked them, though I should. Still driking my lattes though, so I know it’s still quite high.

2015-09-02 11.37.53I’m slowly healing, have the district nurse coming everyday to pack and change the dressing. Shes just been and it’s surprising how much aquacel can fit in the cavity! But that’s alot better than the kaltostat I had up til yesterday. I hate the fact that they burned me with what I’m assuming is the cauterising tool! Made me mad. It’s all a mess, but at least its a healing mess now lol

In more good news, I bought myself a jacket from Next yesterday, in a size 20 and I love it. I also tried on the jeans I bought from there a few weeks ago and they fit quite well I even feel comfortable sat down. So everything is all going in the right direction again.

Editing to say I just wore the jacket out and it was really weird,I have never worn green before or a jacket like this! I almost feel….   Normal!

2015-09-02 11.54.44

New Jacket!

I’ve had a few bad months, but that’s all passed me now and I’m quite happy again!

I hopefully have an exciting week next week. Not sure I’m doing the right thing yet, but time will tell and I’ll let you know if/when it happens!


H x


Day 14!

26 Aug

So its been a fortnight since my surgery.

I am finally feeling better. My hernia surgery hasn’t hurt for days I don’t think, it was taken over by the infection and impaction (never again!!) pain.

My car has been fixed and is sitting outside and I’m thinking do I go out and drive?

I am missing it so much and I will feel so much better if I am independent again, but there is that slight worry someone will go into me (I have reason for that worry!) or I will need to stop suddenly.

Hmm decisions!

I took a pic to send to Clare last week and this wasn’t my worst day, I got so much worse that this! I looked awful, but I am over the worst now, just need to get back in the car, then to the gym and all will be back to normal.

I’m so impatient!

Amazing what a bit of makeup and a smile can do lol

To drive or not to drive!?!


H x

Still here!

21 Aug

After three days of back and forth to hospital and trying to rest in the recliner I got really bad yesterday. I had gone home and was meant to go back for a scan the next day as they didn’t have any slots left and all night I kept waking up boiling hot but I was shivering and my teeth were shattering, so I got another blanket, which probably made everything worse!
My head was throbbing and my mouth was dry even though I was drinking alot of water.

The evening before I had noticed I had swollen lymph nodes that were terribly painful, so I know it was getting worse. I woke up about 5 and thought I need to go back in, so I rang the ward and they told me to come straight back.
By the time I got here I was a complete mess. She took me in for obs and all our a sudden I was pouring with sweat, it was dripping from everywhere, I was feeling so sick and dizzy my heartbeat was 117 and my blood pressure was 160/98 she told them to get the ecg machine as she didn’t want to leave me, nothing would stick to my body because it was cold and clammy so they had a hard time sticking the cannula and ecg tabs on me!
I felt pretty damn awful.
They told me my scan was at 2 and I needed iv antibiotics around midday, so my dad asked if I could go home to sleep for a bit and they agreed I really didn’t want to spend all that time in the recliner!
So off we went home with the cannula bandaged up to keep it in.
I had an hour and a half’s sleep it was amazing and then we went back down.
I had my antibiotics connect and sat through that going in my arm, but I was feeling so sick so they game me an anti sickness drip too and I have no idea what happened but I could not keep my eyes open, I had brought a pillow back down with me to make it more tolerable and I sat there with it over my face and I was out of it, I wasn’t asleep but I wasn’t really with it,  was a really weird sensation!

I stayed like that until a porter came to get me, he took me down to be scanned, she had a good look around, could clearly see the haematoma and she scanned some other areas too, I noticed she took a photo somewhere else and that she put GB, knowing history of us bypassers I asked her if that was the gallbladder to which she said yes, so it got me thinking when she sent me out to wait for the porter, so I went back in and I said I know you’re not allowed to say, but did it show something with my gallbladder, to which she said she couldn’t tell me, but with my amazing powers of persuasion I got her to tell me, she told me there is a pretty big stone in there :/ it might never cause me any problems but knowing how things are with bypassers and the fact there is already a bit stone in there I’m not holding out too much hope.
So the positive I can take out of that is.. At least I know!

I went back to the ward, about 5pm I was called I’m to wait for the doctor and she said she was going to cut it and see what come out, she was a pregnant Russian lady and she was so funny! She injected me with local anesthetic and slices me open, then gets some blunt scissors and starts poking and prodding around in there, but nope not a thing! No gunk, no pus and minimal blood, it’s all a frigging solid mass!
She leaves it as an open wound and packs it with what looks like white fibreglass! And covers it all up.
At this point she gives me too choices, I can either go home with antibiotics and have a district nurse come out every day and hope the antibiotics works. Or stay in carry on with the iv antibiotics, which are so much stronger than oral, but one catch! No bed!
Of course.
But they were going to try, hard.
I didn’t know what to do, I told them I would speak to my family and make a decision.
They wanted to me to stay in, which is what I wanted to do to get the best antibiotics, but I needed a bed I was so tired, fed up and unwell.
About five minutes later they told me they had a bed for me.
Yes! Perfect!

I stay there for the night, in a mixed ward chatting to Kerry and Dave, my dad brought in a fan for me which I desperately needed! Then dave got his wife to do the same! Lol got as much sleep as I could.
Next day, which I think was Saturday I moved back to the ward I was on after surgery, but by the window this time thankfully!
And that’s where I stayed this morning, hooked up to an iv three times a day being pumped full of meds.
But I have not had it easy!

Don’t read below if you have a weak tummy!
Toilet talk and open wound pics.

Taking tramadol, oramorph and codine for the last two weeks has resulted in me having a bad toilet time! Having a bypass already makes it bad, but this has been horrific, I couldn’t even get out of bed yesterday they were meant to be getting me an enema but the Dr went back for emergency surgery, so it want prescribed until half one this morning and then I wasn’t allowed it because it was too late!
But finally at 8 this morning I got it. I have never ever had that before, it was so bizarre and not at all what I was expecting but it started to work within twenty mins and I think by the hour I was completely done!
What a relief I am starting to feel like me again.
It wasn’t all quite as easy as that, for three days I was having a pretty hard time, but I really don’t think anyone wants to hear about all that! It was quite horrendous and I never ever want to go through all that again.
I haven’t been for the best part of two weeks all I did was cry yesterday as I was so down and felt so alone.

But now I am back with my dogs, led in my own watching American big brother.
I don’t feel 100% yet, but I’m getting there.
Just want to get on with moving on from all these surgeries, and start enjoying life again!

Oh so the title is now wrong, I am not still there!


H x

Oh Positive!

13 Aug

How ironic.
I have been called the opposite of that lately, but I am filled with positivity! It runs through my veins baby!
Feels a bit strange knowing this little bit of information, I have no idea what I can do with it and to half the world knowing their blood group is just a given. But we don’t get told it here. I knew they were taking it for this op though and it just dawned on me to ask, so the nurse looked it up for me and I am;

O Positive Blood

O Positive Blood

Because your blood group is O Rh positive, you are especially important.

Around 38% of the donor population share your group, but what makes you even more important is that, if necessary, your blood can be given to anyone who is Rh positive (regardless of their blood group) – and that’s a staggering 83% of people.

So your blood could help eight out of every ten hospital patients, whether they’re mothers and new-born babies, people being treated for cancer, or having planned operations like a hip replacement.

Female donors can give blood three times a year and male donors can give blood four times a year. So please be sure to keep up your outstanding work and donate regularly if you possibly can.

you_are_so_special-54974I feel special!

But not unique! Oh well can’t be everything lol

I had no sleep at all last night, I started writing this post about 5am then got distracted by something I read on Facebook (yes I’m back on there sadly!) it was an article about concealed depression and I felt like I was reading something written just for me. It all just seemed to make sense. I understood every single point that was being made and I could see myself in it. No one knows what goes on inside the mind of another. I appear very happy to people, always smiling and talking to people, but no one feels what I do and up til now I didn’t get it myself but this article showed me just what I’ve been doing most of my life.

1. They may intentionally make efforts to appear OK and maybe even seem exponentially happy and upbeat.
The idea that those with depression all have one similarly dreary personality is false. Depression is more than just a mood. Those who live with depression have learned to alter their apparent moods, and may even be some of the most seemingly “happy” people that you know. Personalities can vary. Often those with depression try to stick with the positive and public parts of their demeanor regardless of what they’re going through on the inside. No one wants to bring others down, even if that means hiding how he or she is truly feeling.

I am so good at this now I don’t even know I’m doing it.

Point 3 is so truthful it actually hurts to read!

3.They may have trouble with abandonment.
Anyone who has experienced depression understands the burden it can be. It can also be a burden for those closest to them. Sometimes when you let someone in enough to see the struggles you have, they walk the other way. Though it’s hard to blame these people for leaving, it creates a serious feeling of abandonment for those with depression. It forges a need for secrecy, out of fear of the recession of those they love. There is nothing more heartbreaking than finding out your ugliest layer of self is too ugly for someone you love to handle.

And only recently have I discovered how bad it was. I have trouble letting go of things. You’ve probably read that here yourself, but certain people who were in my life, know this too well, but instead of trying to understand and realise something isnt right, they cut me out of their life at a time when I need them the most. I am always the one who tries to get in touch first when something goes wrong with a friend, because I just can’t cope without them. I hate myself, hate life, hate everything until I make things right, but I’m now realising that’s not always possible and its not my fault, I have to try and let go, no matter how much it hurts. If people don’t want to be in my life or want me to be in theirs, then I have to respect that and let them get on with it. It doesn’t make me a bad person.

5. They may have abnormal sleeping and eating habits.
This may seem like a small sign or factor, but it has a grave effect. Those who live with depression in an unrevealing way can sometimes only let the little signs show. Sleeping too much or too little are textbook examples. The same goes for eating too little or too much. Sleep and nutrition are two critical elements to health. They are also two elements that the human mind can attempt to control. Depression creates a suffocating lack of control, and being able to control at least something, can be all a person has. Sleep can be nearly impossible, or it can be the only escape. The same goes for eating.

When I feel abandoned, all I want to do is go to bed, try and sleep and make the pain go away, I don’t want to do anything. It’s the most horrible feeling. I hate it, I can only function when I come up with a plan to make things better with the person I’m fighting with. Sometimes it works, sometimes it makes things worse! So the whole cycle starts again.

6. They may understand substances differently.
A person who handles their depression also knows how to monitor what they put into their body. They know alcohol is a depressant, and drinking it over an extended period of time can create a mental state of low that they are less equipped to handle than the average person. They know that caffeine and sugar are uppers for their moods. They know what medications do what. They know what doesn’t mix well. They know all of this because altering their state of mind in any way is much more of a responsibility than it may be for other people.

This explains so much. Why I’ve stayed away from alcohol for almost twenty years. How when I was happy for a brief moment, I was able to drink and enjoy it! And why sugar has played such a huge, but bad role in my life. Self medication!

10. They at some times will release subtle cries for help.
Even a person who knows how to live with the burden of their own mind can need help. Outcries from people you aren’t expecting are easily overlooked. Sometimes it isn’t safe for people to be on their own with their depression; as much as they say differently. Sometimes they will reach out. Sometimes they will open up. These moments are the most crucial, because they are especially powerful. They are what builds a bridge between people who have different levels of emotions and mindsets. They are what creates a closeness and trust among friends and lovers that isn’t always easy if some feel they have to camouflage their true selves.

I wish this had been seen by the people I needed to see it the most. When I was off my medication and trying so desperately to hold onto something that was bad for me, I wish you could have held my hand through it and help me out of it. absense in lifeI am feeling in a better place now, but that’s probably because I am back on new medication, plus new people in my life are helping me in ways they don’t even know. I need to try and not depend on people, but it can be so hard when you form connections. I have tried reaching out to people, but its gone ignored and it makes me sad, but I can hold my head high, knowing I can do the right thing. I am not a bad person, just someone who makes mistakes and learns by them and hopes not to repeat them again, but that doesn’t mean I wont, but does that mean you get to walk away as if I never existed? I guess that’s on you and your own conscience.

11. They seek love and acceptance, as every person does.
Shielding the world from one’s personal demons is not done so for the sake of dishonesty. People who live with depression in a private and undisclosed way do so for protection. This is for the protection of their hearts. This is for the protection of the people around them. This is for the protection of the success of their dreams. Some of those reading this may have felt an eerie connection to these habits. Whether you have been treated for depression, or you simply have treated yourself, you know how easy it is to feel alone. I entitled this article about those with unseen depression, but the truth is that most depression goes unseen by our human nature. We live in a world that encourages us to hide what is dark and unpleasant. We don’t have to.

The most important habit and motivation of those with unseen depression to understand is that they search for love and acceptance. open-your-heartWe all do. The only way to gain it is to spread it. Never turn away from a person who seems to be struggling. Love when it’s difficult. Cry when you need to. Reach out when someone closes the door. Open your heart, even if it feels terrifying to do so. If we keep forcing the bad to go unseen, the good will also go unseen.

Open your heart!

Especially to someone you care about who is struggling with life. You may not like what they’re doing, but they will appreciate it in the long run when they are far enough away from the pain to see what happened.

So yeah this really opened up my eyes to understand my own world. How and why I sometimes do things that I don’t understand. Life isn’t always straight forward and the things we do can make no sense, but then something comes along and its like a lightbulb was turned on! an AH-HAH moment!

I was thinking about this all night then, I couldn’t get it out of my head and really wanted to write it down so I don’t forget it. It might help someone else, but mainly it’s mostly for me.

2015-08-13 13.38.17

My belly button is here somewhere lol

I saw a surgeon around 08:30 this morning. He told me the hernia was rather large, the hole was small but there was a big sac that had pushed through with alot of stuff in it, which might explain why it took so damn long, because they only told me it would take about an hour, but the time missing from my life is four bloody hours! So where did they go? What were they doing? Did they have a party in my tummy? It actually feels like it! And did they shave around my belly button! Not a happy bunny! I’m so tender and my mouth is so dry and sore from the tube. He said they didn’t use a mesh they were able to sew it up and he said I was free to go! So I rang my dad and was home by 9am. Im trying my hardest to stay awake as long as possible, so I don’t mess up my sleeping. I don’t know if I will make it though and I really, really, really! want a bath and I can’t have one yet.

Oh and to top things off, about three weeks, yes THREE weeks of no driving! What will I do. That is not going to work for me.

Being in there has definitely made my mind up on one thing though, I really want to be a Health Care Assistant! Some how I have to get into it. It’s just so hard these days, but I shall be persistent.


So I shall take my O-so-Positive body and work on the things I need to. Become less depressed and less dependent and more HCA. It is my plan!

Got to love a plan!


H x

No sleep

13 Aug

Sorry if you had to read this with the huge images! I couldn’t resize them on my phone!

I’m led in my hospital bed listening to some ASMR in the hopes it will let me sleep, but I can’t see it happening. Every time I stay in this hospital I stay awake all night. It’s not fun in the slightest. I asked the nurse for a sleeping tablet, but they don’t give them out here like they did in Morriston, this makes me very sad.

I came in this morning just after 7, went to my Oh so favourite room expecting the same thing to happen again as last time. I sat in the seat closest to the plug socket this time, just so I didn’t have to move to charge my phone.


Oh such a pretty pattern!

I got called to see people quite quickly this time, anethetist, surgeon, nurse, another anethetist! but one of the anethetists said I might not get a bed, so I was totally expecting that. I was surprised when the receptionist told me to put my gown and stockings on. No sooner had I come back out from the changing room a very nice man, well boy came to get me. He was lovely. Took me to a room and asked me all the same questions again and then took me down to theatre, well a waiting room before theatre. He called me Cinderella because I was wearing slippers that made a noise as we walked lol he made me feel relaxed. Then he put me on what looked like a child’s trolley and told me they would be about five minutes!
About half hour later another nice man who had been sat talking to the nurses for about twenty minutes walked over and said he was taking me to theatre! He was the main anethetist who would be with me, he was very charming (in a good way!) and told me to start doing some weights! Not right there lol when I’m back at the gym. We had a nice chat, then the phone rang and he said that was Mr Nutt calling from the coffee shop (Costa) to see if I was ready lol at this point I had the cannula in my hand, done by the anethetist I had met earlier on the ward, she was training, she’s only been doing it a week, but had been a doctor for four years. I remember them talking about putting the mask on me and someone telling her to pinch it to me sure it was sealed a few times and that was it.
My next memory was waking up in recovery at about 14:45. Very sore and in pain, but the morphine I kept asking for helped me alot. The nurse that was looking after me couldn’t give me the morphine and had to keep asking for someone else to come and do it. I asked her how come and she said she had transferred from England and wasn’t allowed to do anything until she had training in two weeks! Even though she has been fully qualified for five years! She said it wasn’t cos she was a bad nurse! Lol
wpid-fb_img_1439388367496.jpgI stayed there for an hour, I had apparently been there for fifteen minutes before I knew it. And then got taken up to the ward.

Which is where I have spent most of the day.
Apart from my two trips down to Costa to get a take away. I think I could have gone home, but the nurse told me to stay as I was here, so I have. Probably going to regret that soon when I cant sleep lol but oh well the bed is good for my tummy, I will only try and sleep on it at home and these beds don’t let me do that, so that’s good!
There are six of us in the room. The woman next to me seemed fine all day, was mobile, talkative and very friendly. Her appendix burst two nights ago, though it had been rupturing for four days previous, she had been active, walking up in the lakes and thought she had food poisoning! When it actually burst she came in and had emergency surgery it was apparently in a right mess and it damaged her bowel, but she seemed so good. Then all of a sudden this evening she started to get really ill, being sick constantly, going really pale very tired and hardly able to talk, we got really worried for her. I’m hoping she is going to be okay, but it’s amazing how quickly things can change! She’s sleeping now, so I hope she is feeling more herself again in the morning.
The woman opposite me is a character though. She had a lump removed from her throat that’s been sent away for biopsy. She has a shadow on her lung too, so I’m guessing it’s not going to be good news! She had to stay in tonight because her breathing got pretty bad under anesthetic and she wasn’t in a good way. But all she has wanted all day was a bloody fag! Lol she managed to get down there too and have a few, but that reasoning is beyond me. It’s not her first cancer either and they’ve told her the lump will come back and she will have to ha e not her operation, but as long as we get our nicotine in its all good I guess!
Crazy people!

H x

Knock me out!

11 Aug

Well this medication has knocked me for six! All I want to do is sleep. I like sleeping, I really do, but it’s stopping me from doing anything else. The only good thing is I’m not thinking about things when I’m asleep and I do like to over think, I just think even more in my awake hours lol. Sleeping-is-nice-You-forget-about-everything-for-a-little-whileYesterday I really wanted a bagel, so I thought I’d have one, that was a huge mistake! I cut it in half and put cream cheese with quorn ham on it. Had less than half of the one side and it was stuck, I have never felt so bad in all my life, it wouldn’t come up or go down it was well and truly stuck! For the next few hours all I had was foamies, no amount of trying to be sick would bring it up, I was feeling so sorry for myself. So I went to bed and slept for about 16 hours! And when I woke up I still wanted more!

This is not good for going to the gym. I wanted to try and do as much as possible before tomorrow, oh well so much for that, if I get the op, hopefully I will be over the tiredness by the time I can go back to the gym.

Had to wait in this morning for the guy to come and look at the car. He took some pics of the damage and I guess they give them an estimate, he said they will be in touch soon to say when they are taking the car and when I will get the courtesy car.

0d0b9817d9e23d749f74e4b0f77c1a61If surgery does go ahead this time, it’s going to kill me not being able to drive. I really don’t know how I managed so long without it. The one thing I did like about being in a long distance relationship was the driving to see him. I loved that. Loved being on the motorway especially if it was sunny, windows down, sunglasses on, music up loud and going somewhere I wanted to be! Oh of course the arguments when I got there weren’t good, but the driving was! I’m missing that more than anything!

b0dcd19e46e8f8fa6f6001b42dd35255I have started to play WoW again, why, I don’t know! Maybe to protect myself from people, but in saying that, the last two people I left into my life were from WoW, so thats probably not a smart move! It will keep me occupied for a little while. Keep my mind busy and give me something to do while I’m healing (hopefully!) Part of me doesn’t even want to wake up after surgery, I know thats a terrible thing to say, but I guess that’s what depression can do to you. I don’t even think it’s real depression, it’s more circumstance, but it still makes you feel pretty damn shitty!

Maybe I will wake up in a better frame of mind and be ready to tackle the shit that I’ve been left to deal with lately and put it all behind me.

I’ll be back tomorrow, hopefully post op.

And I couldn’t have put it better myself Charlie Sheen! This was my plan all along. Now to stick to it!


H x


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