Tag Archives: Hunger

I can beat myself!

20 Jul

I love the things I can just do now.

I messaged Clare to say I needed to talk, I was off to Costa, cos you know, I can drive now! And her husband brought her to me and it was nice sitting there moaning, her two youngest girls came too and it was a beautiful day, so we decided to go up Twmbarlwm, it’s the most scary drive E.V.E.R. The lane is only just big enough for one car and even then it’s pushing it, we had branches and twigs hitting us and when another car comes the other way, we start screaming! Not fun when I’m trying to keep myself alive let alone my friend, a five and three year old! Ugh I am responsible for that. So much pressure!!

We make it to the car park in one piece and are greeted with the climb to the top of the mountain.

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Even looking back at this height there is a really good view, but when we get to the top it’s amazing, and its 360 degrees. I love it. When you reach the pimple at the top (locals call it something else!) you are so hot but luckily the wind picks up nicely, so you have a breeze cooling you back down, which I most definitely need!

Looking out over the Bristol Channel

Looking out over the Bristol Channel

Yesterday was a good food day, lots of protein. I do think I’m getting alot more hungry, which I’m hoping is down to the exercise I’m doing.

I went to the gym twice again today. I beat my first go on the cross trainer when I went back, so that made me happy. Though I noticed when I took the pic it said the effort was 12… it so was not! It was set at 25 all through the exercise, I guess it dropped down to that at the end! I like beating myself :)

Hoping to go again twice tomorrow as well.
I go to that gym now, not bothering about anyone, I smile at people and carry on doing what I’m doing, listening to the songs in my head and pushing myself, sweat dripping off my face (which I hate with a passion!) and I just don’t care, the more I sweat the better I feel now. I know I am pushing myself with all I can. I want this so much, I want to be stronger, fitter, healthier, I want to be me, but better. I wish so much I could have had that when I was younger, I might not have got to where I did.
I see people in there and I feel sad for them, especially if they are young and can see them heading for where I was and I just want to scream at them. They sit there on the machines, putting in no effort whatsoever and it’s quite depressing. I know that there is nothing you can do until you are ready for it, until something clicks in your own head and maybe you will never get it. I left it too late before it clicked for me and we all know what I had to do to make myself better.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my bypass with everything I am, but I wish I it would have happened for me when I was younger,

How far

whether that is me going it alone, or finally being brave enough to admit I needed the help. With all my heart I wish I had done this sooner.
But I am now doing the best I can for myself and that’s all we can expect. I felt such a buzz today sat on the adductor. I could feel the muscles in my legs working. I haven’t had that for a long time and I most definitely liked it, I wanted more. I felt happy. I felt alive. It was good.

I am completely drug free at the moment (barring any bypass drugs ofc!!) I came off my last medical one this past week and oh my! My eyes have opened with how stunted my emotions have been. I am grateful to citalopram for allowing me to go out again, so very, very grateful, but for what it was suppressing for six years I am most definitely not! Maybe one day I shall explain, but lets just say I am enjoying every single feeling I now have back! ;) ..though I might have to deal with my whole marriage breakdown soon.. don’t want to deal with that..
On Sunday I am doing a 5k walk with my old Slimming World group, we are doing Race for Life. I’m looking forward to that, last year I went to cheer them on, hoping I could do it, but me and my dogs just watched, can’t believe I’m actually going to be doing it this year. I have my pink T-shirt ready to go and I will be taking pics, so expect lots! Exciting times!


H x



Keto – Oh No!

13 Jul

Keto, paelo, low carb etc is something I think about alot. Clare is the almost expert she is the one I go to when I need help. She has given me alot of information and I have read alot myself and it’s something I really want to stick to. It makes so much sense.
Carbs feed carbs it’s as simple as that. When I was on my pre op diet, after a few days, once you get through the pain it gets easy, you no longer crave the sugars and it just becomes a way of life. And it feels bloody good to be that in control of what you are eating. I’m pretty sure I was sticking to under 30g a day when I was on my preop. But since then, because I have nothing to work towards I find that so hard.

As anyone who knows me, I love my one shot latte from Costa and I can have as many as three a day (no one would care if I had five coffees at home, but everyone has an opinion on my Costa addiction!) so it’s bye bye keto right there!
I also suffer from another terrible affliction, I have an awful disease that no carnivores understand…

…I am a vegetarian! Oh no, the horror!

So again, that in itself makes going keto bloody hard!

But it’s something I want to do, I don’t want to be super low to begin with, I know I can’t do it, so I’m just going to aim under 50g that is going to be difficult with giving up my lattes, I’ll start going down to one a day. It can only be a good thing as I know I have used them as a food substitute, which is now getting harder as the hunger has come back. Goddamnit I did not miss that I can tell you! It’s funny how no one really talks about that. It’s not proper hunger like I used to feel, but it’s definitely there something I could really live without! Makes me feel pretty shitty.
So now I’m starting the research on how to go keto as a vegetarian, I’m reading this document I have found which looks quite interesting, I haven’t finished reading it yet as I haven’t had any time to just stop and focus. With the gym and road trips and people commitments I can’t get the time to give it my full attention, so I’m not 100% committed to it just yet, but keeping my carbs down as much as I can.
Doing this as a non meat eater obviously is going to be alot different, I need to get nutrients from other sources and my carb content is naturally going to be that much higher than someone who is a meat eater. I am OK with that, this is about me and doing the best for me and I cannot eat meat, no matter who says I should. It just ain’t gonna happen guys! Let’s all become vegetarians instead!

I have the nutritionist in 20 days and I would love love love to be under 18 (252) stone by then. I can’t see it happening though. There is no control over what my weight is, it has been like this since surgery, no matter what I do it will stick or move whenever it wants to regardless of any input on my part. Some people find that really hard to understand, and it’s very frustrating, but my nurse told me it’s expected, I am nearly 14 stone down in total, I have to be happy with that. But I still want to prove Mr Barry wrong!
I’m hoping I will get to see him in the next few months, my 12 month checkup should be in September and I really want to ask him about my legs. If I could get surgery on them it would help alot. Not even to look better for cosmetic reasons, though that would make me feel better, but for every day life reason, the fat pockets are in my way and often feels like I have something caught in my legs, it’s very annoying. And no amount of work I do at the gym is going to solve this and believe me, I’m putting in alot of work, I can feel muscles I’ve never felt before, in my thighs and arms but they are coated in mounds of excess skin! If I feel brave enough I shall show my legs (be warned- NOT pretty!) when I get home! No matter what we do or how hard we now work nothing is ever going to let us forget what we used to be, yes we might have abused ourselves but when we finally see what we’ve done and need help, we will always have a reminder and never look normal. It’s very disheartening.

I went for my preop appointment this morning, had the most miserable nurse I have ever had the pleasure of meeting going through it all with me. He was most unhelpful and quite rude, I was trying to explain about the diabetes situation, but he wasn’t listening, and said I don’t care what you were, sat across from the table from me now are you diabetic.. I gave up and said no.. So if my bloods go crazy, it’s his fault! I have to go into hospital at 07:30 next Wednesday have to see the anaesthetist because my bmi was 41 and it’s not meant to be over 40 then hopefully there will be a bed and I will get my hernia repaired. Though he did say there probably won’t be a bed! Fabulous indeed!
I’m scared of how this is going to affect me. Will I put weight back on? No exercise or driving for a couple of weeks at least. I am slightly worried.

They say losing weight is all about the food exercise just strengthens and tones you, so if I can get my head into doing keto then I guess not being able to exercise shouldn’t matter at all.
So this is the plan this week, brain be prepared ketosis is coming!

Make a Fucking Plan

MIA … Sorry

4 Nov

A month, almost a month!

Before surgery I always wondered where people went after surgery. I would be sad when their posts would slow down, then eventually stop. I wondered why, now’s the time to post more, but apparently I’m guilty too and I now know why.

For two years I was completely and utterly focussed on surgery, it was all I thought about, eat sleep drink surgery! Every waking moment it was all I wanted and all I wanted to talk about, I had surgery and I got lost, my mind didn’t know what to think about, my reason for thinking was gone, I didn’t know what to do with myself.
When I came home from surgery, I felt fine, there were only small scars to show what I had been through and I thought I should still be doing everything the same, but oh how the tiredness came and I didn’t know why, I couldn’t understand what was going on, I wanted to be doing everything, but couldn’t do anything, it was a very weird feeling.

Tomorrow is 8 weeks since I had surgery. I am pretty sure I am back to “normal” now, but I am very frustrated  with the weight loss. Before the start of the pre op I was 163kg, today I am 141kg, it feels so slow to me. I know with Slimming World, I can lose 9lbs a week, so this is very frustrating, I came out of hospital at 145kg so to have only lost 4kg in 7 weeks is beyond annoying. I keep reading about how the body needs to heal and after seeing the nutritionist last week I know I was doing it all wrong, I wasn’t eating enough and nowhere near enough protein, she told me I should be eating about 800kcals and 60-90g of protein a day, some days I forget to eat, which I know in itself is a bad thing. So I have to eat more beans and pulses I’m slowly trying to do this, but as it’s not something I have ever done, it’s hard, but I’m working on it.

People have been very kind to me. Saying how good I am looking, how my face is changing, but I can’t really see it. I can from where I started as I have lost nearly 10 stone now (140lbs) but not since surgery.

I need to try to stay on top of all this and post more, fill in My Fitness Pal and track what I’m doing, but my brain is all over the place atm.

I have been thinking a lot this week about the surgery and all it’s implications.
I have realised that something has changed in me, whether I like it or not. It’s obviously a change out of necessity, because I can’t behave the way I used to around food anymore, but that is me making that choice, it would be so easy to sit there sucking on chocolate. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I am really making the right choices, but it was only this week that I have noticed how big of a mental thing it all is, when I’ve had people around me eating everything my brain still wants and I have said no, I’m not going to eat any of that, I don’t need it (probably in my head I am thinking I can’t have it anyway, it will make me poorly) but it’s making me feel good, knowing that I AM doing that for ME.
Even with the scales not moving, I would normally say oh screw it, but I haven’t and I’m loving that. It makes me realise how much of my life beforehand was for the instant gratifiction of seeing something I want and having it right away, no thought for consequences, (probably because it takes so long for weight to show up) my eyes saw it, my brain wanted it, my tummy got it. Regardless.

But people still think it’s the “easy” way out, they have no clue and are not worth our time.



6 Dec

Hunger is odd to me.

When I go all day without eating, I don’t feel hungry, I don’t feel like I must eat, it doesn’t affect me at all.

But, as soon as I start eating healthy, I’m hungry all the damn time.

How do you deal with it? Is it my body adjusting to eating real food, is it punishing me because I don’t look after myself properly, will it go away or am I meant to eat more?

I’ts very confusing.

I spoke to a dietitian yesterday and all I have to do right now is just eat meals at normal times, doesn’t matter what I have as long as its food, so I stop going for the bad stuff and focus on real food not junk. It’s hard for me because I’m either an all or nothing girl. So if I’m eating meals, I want them to be healthy and lose weight, but at the same time, I know I have to try and do this slowly because I need to get my head around it and make it stick, but slow for things like this is not my thing. I’m just a head of confusion right now.

When I woke this morning, I tested and I was 6.8, that feels amazing to me, I know the Metformin has a lot to do with it, but when I was stuck at 18 last week that makes me feel great. Seeing the numbers down like that makes me realise that the concept is really quite simple and easy, eat well the numbers stay normal and that’s it, if only my head (or is that my eye and nose!) didn’t get in the way and mess it all up!

I’m playing a game of numbers with myself at the moment and I’m actually winning today yay :)

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