Tag Archives: Junk food

Emotions Everywhere and I’m Starting to Care!

5 Jun

So so much has happened since I last posted. It’s been surreal.

So I started work the following morning, it was damn hard but I enjoyed it, the things I saw were heartbreaking and very emotional. I watched as Rosie did everything and helped when I could. The next day was my turn to do everything, by our second call I thought I was dying, this lady I was with, was 47, two years ago, she had a tumor removed in her pituitary gland, that night she had a stroke. Her left arm is stuck at a 90 degree angle and her legs are massive with cellulitis and are rock hard, it’s such a sad thing, but after dealing with all that, I was dying! From that moment on I was on a downward spiral all day, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. By the time we got to a call, where I could see the woman didn’t have more than 24h to live, which broke my heart as it reminded me of my nan. I knew I couldn’t carry on, I was sick and dizzy and just not well at all! So I told Rosie I had to go home.
6093a188adddb804794445bb261bf32dI thought about what I was going to do, I knew with all my issues and now with my random sickness I get, I was confused. I really wanted this job, I was desperate for it, but could I actually physically do it?
I waited for my references to come through, and spoke to them about my concerns and they told me that they were going to ease me into it as I hadn’t worked for twenty years, so that made me feel better. I did however have my worries the whole time, but this was something I really wanted to do, so I pushed them aside.Then I got my start date!

I was so excited! They started me off with a lot of breaks in between calls. So I thought I would be okay. Oh how I wrong I was. By the time I had my long break I knew I was in trouble. I rang the office and said I was worried again, but I’d make an appointment with my doctor for the afternoon and speak to them and see what they said. She told me not to do anything as it was my first day, but I was worried, I knew how much pain I was in, she didn’t.
I went to my doctor told her what was happening and she said Hayley, you cannot control your pain when you’re doing nothing?! And you want to do a physical job..  It’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse.

I knew she was right, so I went home and made the phone call to them to say I couldn’t do it and I was distraught. I got home and sobbed and sobbed, I was gutted. I then sent one of the girls in the office a message saying how sorry I was etc etc. And she said to me they had been talking and thought what about if I just did sits. And I thought about it and said yeah I could do that, it’s easy, you sit with someone while their family member goes and does what they need to, mini respite for a few hours. How hard could that be!?

marcel-pariseau-quote-she-cant-deal-with-it-any-moreIt started off okay, then slowly they were putting more on me, there was a couple I was looking after on the weekends, who had dementia, they both had different types. And boy was it hard.
I don’t need to go over all the hard stuff that happened, but the day I realised that I couldn’t do it, was a Sunday I was at this couples house, and I fell asleep at the kitchen table, it was only nodding off, but I knew something wasn’t right, that’s not what I do, I started to be sick, so after a while, I rang and asked if I could go home early, and they told me there was no way I could leave, so I left it a bit longer and then sent a text message to their daughter and asked if I could leave and hour early, she told me she would be down right away.

So I left early and went home and I slept til the Tuesday, turned out I had tonsillitis again for the third time in three months! I was completely wiped out for two whole weeks again. I was so unwell. But that Sunday that I left their home, I knew I couldn’t do this job, if I couldn’t go home to be ill when I needed to, then I couldn’t do the job! It was just killing me.

I was distraught. But what could I do?

So now I’ve learnt my lesson I am not ready for work yet. So I’m going to wait until they force me to go and they can find me a job that I am able to do!

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So of course all this sent me into a downward spiral, I thought I was ready, I thought I was picking my life back up, albeit twenty years later, with arthritis in both hips and my spine and having gone through weight loss service, my stomach and intestines removed, divorced to the husband I thought I would always be with and our twenty year anniversary being in April, I wasn’t coping well at all.cognitive-behavior-therapy-for-depression-in-older-adultsnorthrop-29-728

My food took a hit. I was just eating junk, no real food going in me and I didn’t care. I was starving myself again nutritionally, filling my face with junk like I did when I was 32 stone.

People think it’s easy. Stop eating lose weight. They have no idea it’s a mental issue, not a greed thing. No one can understand unless you have ever been obese. And even then, no one else has any idea of what is going on with you and how you got to be the size you did. There are usually stories for the reasons people gain huge amounts of weight and usually it is not down to just greed alone.  It is so much more complex than that.

6c850e64994c356a69b9dcabb060ddd4But people judge. And boy do they judge obesity. I think I have said it before, but I think the reason get so angry and annoyed at obesity is because it can happen to them, so easily, just one thing changing in their lives can send them into the same spiral that I found myself in twenty years ago. It’s so easy for it to happen. 1lb 7lbs 20lbs it’s so easy to creep up  because of one thing that happens in your life, or it could be a huge life changing thing that happens.  We just don’t know the future and what could happen.
And I think that is why people judge so harshly with obesity. 

So I got to a point where I was starting to feel my clothes getting tighter, I was ignoring it. I didn’t care I wanted junk and only junk! But I knew I was screwing myself over, how could I carry on with what I was doing! I’m going to ruin everything.

So last week I closed my eyes and stepped in the scales! I wanted to hurt myself so much! From my lowest, I was only there for a day, but two and a half stone back on!

Wtf wtf wtf!

Ugh guess what today is the start of.

Pouch reset time.

So the last time I did this, I went almost four weeks without eating I was so petrified of eating again, I couldn’t make myself eat not matter what I did. Even seeing the psychologist didn’t help. The only thing that made me eat again was getting tonsillitis, I think that was my body saying hey missy, eat or I’m going to give you and illness you have never had in your life before because your immune system is so low right now!

Yeah that made me eat again!

And God did I eat again! That was the start of me not stopping which was just intensified when I realised I couldn’t work!

So I started with the five day pouch test and oh dear it started again! I got scared of eating, only kept it kind of under control, day five I managed to force myself to eat a cheese omelette in the evening and today I have made food.  Good real food that my body needs, not junk, I think I needed that to make me think about the fact I actually needed protein and vegetables and all things a good healthy vegetarian needs!

How long it will last is anyone’s guess, but here I am trying and writing on my blog again. It’s always good to write here, I know I’m doing okay when I’m back.

So here I am eating good food, writing and hoping to continue on the good path, though this time next week I shall be on a 90s weekend in Butlins, so I might be on a very strict time limit! Ha

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Soon, with luck!

H x

 

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Weekenders

27 Jan

I started a gym membership two weeks ago, but I really hate where it is! And it’s scary walking through Newport at night, luckily it’s a contractless one, so I don’t need to keep going, just annoyed though cos it’s a really nice place. Maybe when they finish Friars Walk I’ll go back, who knows, but in the meantime, my lovely (sometimes!!!) friend has bought me something to be getting on with, finally getting the Fitbit Surge! Yay, so happy it’s coming tomorrow. I am such a fussy cow, I have tried countless fitness watches and sent them all back, cos I knew in my heart I wanted whatever the replacement was for the fitbit that was pulled last year and finally tomorrow I get it!

I have my car back permanent today, I have been out driving most of the day, I just need someone to sit with me so I can do it more, I love being able to drive, I just hope I pass all the tests, really want to get out there by myself so I can get better and not rely on anyone, no stopping me soon!

I have noticed I find it really easy to eat bad food, not because it’s what  I want, but because it doesn’t sit heavy in my pouch, this is so not what I want though. So back to lots of protein today, before I had scrambled eggs I was desperate to have a digestive biscuit as soon as I started eating the eggs, I was so damn full and that’s what has always been my problem, so I need to keep it in check before I go any further, I eat all the junky non nutritious food before I bother to go and cook because it’s “easy” yes Hayley an easy way to sit in the house and not go out not move not breathe and not live life. Let’s not go back there shall we.

Protein, Protein, Protein!

I waste so much damn food though. Eat LEFTOVERS!!!! I am bloody useless lol

I had a lovely weekend, my friend came to visit me, we had a very lazy weekend, staying snuggled up nice and warm while watching loads of films, of course he bought junk food, while I had some I didn’t go overboard, it’s just not worth it I guess, I don’t seem to get early dumping though, mine seems to be late and I really don’t like that feeling!
We even went to cinema and had no snacks there, I was very impressed with myself, however we did go to Pizza Hut after and I had a salad and a slice of a child’s pizza lol it was nice and it was enough, brought the rest home and I didn’t touch it, the dogs enjoyed it!

The dogs should get a nice walk tomorrow when I get my watch on!

So excited

Todays quote is something I need to remember every single day. I shall never master this, just learn to deal with it the best I can.

Soon H x

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I went Walkies!

20 Jul
My baby girls, Fudge and Cady.

My baby girls, Fudge and Cady.

I got off my butt and did it. Wasn’t far, probably about a mile, but all it takes is one step to get you started, hoping I can keep it up now.

I went out in just a t-shirt and no coat and I noticed it was starting to cloud over and get more windy, but I didn’t care, it felt so nice, just feeling the cold wind on my skin and my hair blowing, it made me smile and feel sad at the same time. 15 years of my life was wasted being stuck indoors, to scared or not able to go out. To be out there today doing this for me, no one else but me, felt wonderful. My dogs were happy, I was happy and for those few minutes life felt good. I keep thinking about the possibilities of where life is going to take me once surgery is done and I really can’t wait to find out now.

I really enjoyed being out with my dogs today and making good choices. I can’t wait for more of that.

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MFP

19 Jul

Yay, me and My Fitness Pal are friends again!

I didn’t get my walk done, but I did go shopping and looked longingly at all the lovely bad food, crisps and chocolate and none of it got into my trolley, I was very happy with myself. Hoping I am past the worst of it now and can get back on track before my operation, I was so close to my 55 BMI and I’m so scared to know where I am now. I am totally blaming the morphine and MRI scan, I was fine until those! lol

I need to remember why I’m doing all this, though in all honesty that has changed one hell of a lot now, maybe I will get into it one day!

Positive vibes for the end of the day!

Maybe I’ll get a walk and good food in for tomorrow. We can but hope.

H x

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Off we trot!

18 Jul

I really want to go for a walk tomorrow.

 

Someone tell me to get off my butt please, I shall be ever so grateful.

dog-walking

Happy Anniversary!

16 Jul

To me and WordPress!

Apparently I have been here 7 years! It started off something much different.

It was a blog for my Silks on Second Life, looong time ago!

HappyBlogiversary

Still doing awful.
Going to try and post every day til it clicks back in, maybe, hopefully, it’s the plan anyway.
Having a hard time with things going on in life at the moment and I can’t fix it so feeling bad about that, which isnt helping me.

Posting useless things on Twitter if you want to follow, I shall follow you as well :D  ’tis me!

Add me! There is nothing interesting there though, mainly about Big Brother UK and some little things about Bariatric Surgery, I retweet info I find on it.

I’m Still Stuck

13 Jul

I finally made it back here, I stay away when I’m doing bad, just like push the whole blog and everything to do with as far away as possible because I feel useless and guilty and a complete failure, and coming anywhere near my blog is a big no no when I’m not eating right I feel like a fraud.

But I am so fed up at the moment, I can’t control myself again. Ever since my melt down I’ve been on a downward spiral and I can’t break free.

When I went back to Slimming World, some how I had gained 22lb!! Yes 22 in two weeks. I was devastated, I knew I had put on some cos I felt awful, I was expecting a stone (14lbs) at the most, but when I saw what it was I was shocked to say the least. I started to wonder if it could have been the morphine and it possibly was. In itself that doesn’t make you gain weight but, it can make you crave sugary things, and I couldn’t stop eating sweets that week and also you get constipation from it and I had it very bad, so I was praying that’s what had caused it. I came off the medication and I lost 6½ I was a bit disappointed in that and this week has gone awful again. I think I’m trying to do too much and thinking about too many things at once and failing at them all wonderfully!
I’m going to Slimming World as I have said and it’s a great diet, I know it works well for me, but at the same time I have a voice in my head (might be called Clare! not sure on that!!!) telling me its carbs carbs carbs and I need to avoid them. So I stay away from them and can’t be bothered to just eat Quorn, so I just end up eating cheese strings and peanuts, which then just makes me hungry and I will buy junk food, so I can’t keep doing this. I need to get back on the Slimming World plan and just try and limit the carbs, but no worry as much as I am about it. I still have a big stomach and it wants food in it! I will deal with whatever I crave after the op after I’ve had the op, I can’t keep trying to live like I’ve had it when I haven’t, it’s making me crazy!

As I’ve said I was only 5lb from the target I wanted before I went back to the hospital, but I don’t think I’m going to make it now, I’m at least 19lbs away now, and after getting an email from Nia, I thought it was going to give me motivation, but it’s just sent me into panic mode instead!
My brain just doesn’t work right at all! lol

This is the email I got, I don’t know if that means it’s potentially my op date or not. I don’t know what to make of it just yet, but here’s hoping!

Hi Hayley,

 

As you want a gastric bypass and that operation requires that both consultant surgeons are available until the 10th of September.

Letters will be sent out by the waiting list department with a date for your pre-assessment appointment in August.

How do I pull it all back together, I’m so confused :(

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