Tag Archives: Life

Emotions Everywhere and I’m Starting to Care!

5 Jun

So so much has happened since I last posted. It’s been surreal.

So I started work the following morning, it was damn hard but I enjoyed it, the things I saw were heartbreaking and very emotional. I watched as Rosie did everything and helped when I could. The next day was my turn to do everything, by our second call I thought I was dying, this lady I was with, was 47, two years ago, she had a tumor removed in her pituitary gland, that night she had a stroke. Her left arm is stuck at a 90 degree angle and her legs are massive with cellulitis and are rock hard, it’s such a sad thing, but after dealing with all that, I was dying! From that moment on I was on a downward spiral all day, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. By the time we got to a call, where I could see the woman didn’t have more than 24h to live, which broke my heart as it reminded me of my nan. I knew I couldn’t carry on, I was sick and dizzy and just not well at all! So I told Rosie I had to go home.
6093a188adddb804794445bb261bf32dI thought about what I was going to do, I knew with all my issues and now with my random sickness I get, I was confused. I really wanted this job, I was desperate for it, but could I actually physically do it?
I waited for my references to come through, and spoke to them about my concerns and they told me that they were going to ease me into it as I hadn’t worked for twenty years, so that made me feel better. I did however have my worries the whole time, but this was something I really wanted to do, so I pushed them aside.Then I got my start date!

I was so excited! They started me off with a lot of breaks in between calls. So I thought I would be okay. Oh how I wrong I was. By the time I had my long break I knew I was in trouble. I rang the office and said I was worried again, but I’d make an appointment with my doctor for the afternoon and speak to them and see what they said. She told me not to do anything as it was my first day, but I was worried, I knew how much pain I was in, she didn’t.
I went to my doctor told her what was happening and she said Hayley, you cannot control your pain when you’re doing nothing?! And you want to do a physical job..  It’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse.

I knew she was right, so I went home and made the phone call to them to say I couldn’t do it and I was distraught. I got home and sobbed and sobbed, I was gutted. I then sent one of the girls in the office a message saying how sorry I was etc etc. And she said to me they had been talking and thought what about if I just did sits. And I thought about it and said yeah I could do that, it’s easy, you sit with someone while their family member goes and does what they need to, mini respite for a few hours. How hard could that be!?

marcel-pariseau-quote-she-cant-deal-with-it-any-moreIt started off okay, then slowly they were putting more on me, there was a couple I was looking after on the weekends, who had dementia, they both had different types. And boy was it hard.
I don’t need to go over all the hard stuff that happened, but the day I realised that I couldn’t do it, was a Sunday I was at this couples house, and I fell asleep at the kitchen table, it was only nodding off, but I knew something wasn’t right, that’s not what I do, I started to be sick, so after a while, I rang and asked if I could go home early, and they told me there was no way I could leave, so I left it a bit longer and then sent a text message to their daughter and asked if I could leave and hour early, she told me she would be down right away.

So I left early and went home and I slept til the Tuesday, turned out I had tonsillitis again for the third time in three months! I was completely wiped out for two whole weeks again. I was so unwell. But that Sunday that I left their home, I knew I couldn’t do this job, if I couldn’t go home to be ill when I needed to, then I couldn’t do the job! It was just killing me.

I was distraught. But what could I do?

So now I’ve learnt my lesson I am not ready for work yet. So I’m going to wait until they force me to go and they can find me a job that I am able to do!

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So of course all this sent me into a downward spiral, I thought I was ready, I thought I was picking my life back up, albeit twenty years later, with arthritis in both hips and my spine and having gone through weight loss service, my stomach and intestines removed, divorced to the husband I thought I would always be with and our twenty year anniversary being in April, I wasn’t coping well at all.cognitive-behavior-therapy-for-depression-in-older-adultsnorthrop-29-728

My food took a hit. I was just eating junk, no real food going in me and I didn’t care. I was starving myself again nutritionally, filling my face with junk like I did when I was 32 stone.

People think it’s easy. Stop eating lose weight. They have no idea it’s a mental issue, not a greed thing. No one can understand unless you have ever been obese. And even then, no one else has any idea of what is going on with you and how you got to be the size you did. There are usually stories for the reasons people gain huge amounts of weight and usually it is not down to just greed alone.  It is so much more complex than that.

6c850e64994c356a69b9dcabb060ddd4But people judge. And boy do they judge obesity. I think I have said it before, but I think the reason get so angry and annoyed at obesity is because it can happen to them, so easily, just one thing changing in their lives can send them into the same spiral that I found myself in twenty years ago. It’s so easy for it to happen. 1lb 7lbs 20lbs it’s so easy to creep up  because of one thing that happens in your life, or it could be a huge life changing thing that happens.  We just don’t know the future and what could happen.
And I think that is why people judge so harshly with obesity. 

So I got to a point where I was starting to feel my clothes getting tighter, I was ignoring it. I didn’t care I wanted junk and only junk! But I knew I was screwing myself over, how could I carry on with what I was doing! I’m going to ruin everything.

So last week I closed my eyes and stepped in the scales! I wanted to hurt myself so much! From my lowest, I was only there for a day, but two and a half stone back on!

Wtf wtf wtf!

Ugh guess what today is the start of.

Pouch reset time.

So the last time I did this, I went almost four weeks without eating I was so petrified of eating again, I couldn’t make myself eat not matter what I did. Even seeing the psychologist didn’t help. The only thing that made me eat again was getting tonsillitis, I think that was my body saying hey missy, eat or I’m going to give you and illness you have never had in your life before because your immune system is so low right now!

Yeah that made me eat again!

And God did I eat again! That was the start of me not stopping which was just intensified when I realised I couldn’t work!

So I started with the five day pouch test and oh dear it started again! I got scared of eating, only kept it kind of under control, day five I managed to force myself to eat a cheese omelette in the evening and today I have made food.  Good real food that my body needs, not junk, I think I needed that to make me think about the fact I actually needed protein and vegetables and all things a good healthy vegetarian needs!

How long it will last is anyone’s guess, but here I am trying and writing on my blog again. It’s always good to write here, I know I’m doing okay when I’m back.

So here I am eating good food, writing and hoping to continue on the good path, though this time next week I shall be on a 90s weekend in Butlins, so I might be on a very strict time limit! Ha

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Soon, with luck!

H x

 

Quandary!

7 Jan

I’m in a bit of a pickle!

I am so so so so bored!

I think I’ve said this before, but knowing what to do is very hard.
I desperately want a job, to make my own money, to meet new people, to enjoy getting up every day and having something to do!
But!
I have worked out if I do that, I will be so much worse off!
So what do I do?
I really want to be a Health Care Assistant, but it is extremely hard to get into that line of worked. I have done so much research and I either have to be really lucky in finding a position that would even take me on to begin with as I have no experience and haven’t worked in such a long time or get another job at the NHS and apply internally for it, which seems so unlikely as why would they employ me?!

Another option I have is to go and work for my mum at Sainsburys, it’s a guaranteed job, very, very easy work, I will be finished by 10:00 am, but the wage is awful and do I really want to go to work everyday to a job I’m not bothered about for less money than I’m going to get if I just stay at home and be incredibly bored, slowly going insane and want to cry!?
Is there really any point in that at all?
Yes, I’ll be doing something and feel good about earning my own, which I haven’t done since I got married! So is that in itself worth it?
I just don’t know?

Enjoy work

This is what I need!

My last option is to become a carer, which is sort of a similar thing to the HCA, just going to homes, I think that bit scares me. I’ll have a car and it will be extremely hard work, and it does feel like my better option, but I will admit the idea of changing my life so much is petrifying, but I know I also want to and have to do it!
I just don’t know how!
Or do I just wait until they force me to do it?! It is so hard to make a decision!
I really don’t want to be doing nothing for much longer, I seriously cannot take it!
Some people think its a great idea, but until you are doing it and your brain has turned to mush and you can’t earn any extra money they really have no idea how utterly depressing it is not to work. Not even including the bad way I got myself into this situation.
Being obese is not fun!
Some days I regret every single moment from the second I met my ex husband, oh how my life would have been different if it wasn’t for that, or if we had made different decisions together. While I realise I made my own choices, he was a big influence in how shitty everything has turned out!

How do I make a decision!?

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I adore Rachel! Though I think she is talking about me!

I want to feel better about myself and I really think this is the next step for me, but it feels freaking huge right now! Like a leap I just might not make! and fall flat on my face!!

Sometimes I shouldn’t be allowed to make my own decisions! I’m not responsible enough!

I also think I’m so done with the whole “dating” thing for a bit!
It’s too hard.
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I love talking to people! I love getting to know someone, as I’ve said before I’m a very open person and I don’t keep much a secret, but I think I let people in too quickly!

I can have a connection with someone I’ve met online. Some people don’t understand it, but there are some who are that little bit more special to you, you smile when you hear from them, they make you happy, you let them in and then…
…then they hurt you!

I had, or what I thought I had, was an amazing friend. We got on so well, he was great, we clicked immediately, we messaged, spoke on the phone, facetimed and made plans to meet. I was so excited! Then something went wrong and its all gone now!
Tones of messages can not be conveyed in text and sometimes we would both take things the wrong way, but we would manage to sort it out, but something happened this week and things were said and we decided it was all just too hard.
3f426bef14da2ee1b524a8ae9c68bfd3Distance was a huge issue, if we hadn’t been so far apart it would have been different. But distance requires effort and he was a busy person. He also thinks my last message was sent to hurt him and it really wasn’t I was ill and upset, my words were not nasty, just questioning. I didn’t want the world, just wanted to feel like I mattered and he couldn’t do that anymore for whatever reason!
Part of me thinks it was because I gave him my blog address! I really need to stop giving that out to people! I’ve done it alot this week and people can be very judgey!
But as I’ve said before, if I don’t tell people I feel like I’m keeping a huge secret, even though it’s not, it’s no body elses business. I am what I am and I’ve done what I’ve done to be the person I am today.
I’m a good person and so much more than my past. I am fun and happy to be around. I’m not a demanding person by far! I’m quite easy going, I just like to talk alot!

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This is what I need!

Oh well there is nothing I can do about it now. It would have been nice to have met, but there will be another one day. I just don’t know when and feel like I need a break from being hurt.
Maybe I was never meant to split from my ex husband, maybe I was meant to eat myself to death and now I’m going to be alone forever!

It certainly feels like that these days.

I really need to make some decisions very soon! I will have less time to wonder about people who shouldn’t matter in my life and it will finally have some meaning!
How I feel about myself right now is actually quite pathetic!

Soon

H x

Lets NOT eat!

23 Sep

Today was a hard day.

My beautiful niece was six and my brother decided to take her to Kaspas in Cardiff. It’s a dessert restaurant and I wanted to go to celebrate with them all.

But I did not anticipate how hard it was going to be! Everything looked at smelled amazing and they were all eating and I sat there with nothing, but I made it through, I might not have been the most sociable person there, but I got out the other side and didn’t have anything, I’m so good these days at going to a restaurant and just eating nothing, no one questions me. They might if I went in there alone and just sat there though hmm maybe I’ll try it! haha

But I seriously don’t think I will ever put myself through something like that again, it really isnt worth the mental torture.

I’m still going strong with low carbs, obvs, or I would have eaten one or at least some of those delicious desserts that were tempting me. I’m so pleased with myself.

I am getting a little bit unsure over what to eat now, its omelette, cheese, eggs and quorn, it gets a bit boring! I look at Pinterest, but when you have to work out all the macros, it can get a bit tedious.

In other news, I’ve kind of met someone who is really rather quite nice too.
I met him for the first time the other evening and we had a really nice night. I can’t see it going very far, but it’s given me confidence again, which is what I needed after the last disaster!
And I really need to stop worrying about my body, if you meet the right person, none of it matters and they can actually make you feel amazing. Some people just really don’t care about the things you think are a deal breaker!

I did however speak to my doctor the other day about my legs. He said to speak to the surgeon, which I guessed he would. He said the chances of getting it done without paying for it, is slim. I had a feeling that would happen. I obviously will talk to them the next time I go there (if I ever get a letter asking me again!) as it is affecting me, they’re in the way. I don’t want them to look perfect, I want them to not have fat pockets rubbing together getting in the way.

I also decided to get my bloods done on my own and my parathyroid is raised again, having it retested again tomorrow, but I can’t see it changing as it’s been like that since the last time I was tested.

Not completely sure what this means, I think it mean’s I’m lacking calcium, however that is a normal number, so very weird!

Soon

H x

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Pop goes the weasel..

14 Jul

.. or in this case the bubble!


I have edited this post to make it less personal.


All good things must come to an end they say!

Tomorrow I am hoping for my hernia operation, to say it’s not worrying me would be a lie. No one ever wants to be put under, unless maybe you’re a plastic surgery-aholic! I want my hernia fixed, but it’s scary to have to have an operation again, then I don’t know how long I wont be able to drive or exercise for in the coming weeks, but I need to get it done so it’s out of the way and I can focus on other things.

People, more than one, have let me down the last couple of weeks and I am so fed up with it. I wish I had stuck to my own mind and not let anyone in, which is what I wanted. Hell I’ve even wished this last week that I had never met alot of the people I have the last three years because I would probably still be married right now and even though now I know I wasn’t happy or living life to my full potential, I thought I was happy and that’s what matters right? Blissful ignorance is only a problem when you realise it wasnt real! Yet more burst bubbles! I am breaking them all this week I can tell you!

I’ve been called many things in my life, we all know how it is when you’re obese. But never have I been called negative and miserable, infact most people think I’m the complete opposite. That’s not to say I don’t have my moments of course I do, I am human and a female one at that. We have moods and ups and downs, I get hormonal! That’s just the way it goes, that’s life.

But these last few weeks I have been constantly made to feel like I am moody and miserable and negative.

And I know I’m not.

I’ve tried to make the best out of situations and find the positive and be understanding as I know everyone has their own issues, but I can’t do it anymore.

I am on a journey, I am finding out who I am, I did something very positive for myself and I am not even a year out from that and I get annoyed and frustrated by things I can’t control, but I still put on a smile every day and get on with it.

THAT IS WHO I AM!

When I was in hospital, on about day five the receptionist on the ward said something along the lines of “you are always so happy, whenever you walk past us you have a smile for us, I don’t know how you do it, I’m going to miss you when you are gone” It was a lovely thing to say and made me feel good at a shitty time, I told her I don’t think I was smiling on the afternoon of my op, but she told me I most definitely was!

THAT IS WHO I AM!

The day before I left, a woman who was in a private room was moved to the bed next to me and she thanked me. Thanked me for smiling at her every time I went to the bathroom, it made her day, she said she was so lonely in the room, she looked out for me to walk past, to say hello and give her a little smile, she was so grateful to me for something I don’t even think about.

THAT IS WHO I AM!

I AM ME!

And I am happy with who I am becoming if you wanted to enjoy the journey with me, you could have. I loved our time together, you have shown me I can be with someone as I am, and it’s ok, I’m not someone to be ashamed of, I am funny and interesting and someone worth knowing. I can do things I’ve never done before and bloody well enjoy them and for that I truely thank you. Just wish you could have seen how happy I actually was instead of putting what you thought I was feeling, before me, because I was happy.

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Yesterday was a fantastic day for not eating carbs, I say I didn’t eat them, I did however drink them!

But drinking milk doesn’t seem to send me into a carb spiral, I can deal with the milk as it is, just that and I don’t feel the need to eat bad food and I woke up today in a much better frame of mind.

I’ve going all day again without food and then I’m going to have the high protein pizza dip thats doing the rounds on facebook at the moment along with some cauliflower cheese sticks to use for dip! So tasty!

So all in all I am doing okay right now I think.

I am sad for the way things have gone, but it all helps us grow as people and become better versions of ourselves!

Hopefully be back soon with a fixed tummy and new adventures to have! If not it was good knowing you all!

Eat well, exercise lots!

Soon

H x

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Exciting times ahead

28 May

I was out shopping with my friend Zoe the other day. She went into Gap to look for clothes, it wouldn’t have been my choice, but I was looking around anyway and some things that were on sale for about £2.50 caught my eye, they were tops, one was just a basic grey t shirt, the other was an aqua coloured slim strapped one with side detail.
I was looking for something to wear at the gym, so I took them thinking they would be ok eventually. I tried them on when I got home and was amazed to find they fit! They were an XL, but I was in shock, sadly they don’t work together for the gym, so that was annoying, but I don’t care I bought something from Gap lol!!

I have been brilliant at going to the gym, sometimes twice a day and walking with the dogs. I am on a referral, so can only go at certain times, but Bryn and Jackie two of the trainers have been slowly trying to kill me. They are not letting me use the machines in the new gym, they have me doing other things instead as they are saying it’s harder and damn, they are right! I have never sweated so much in all my life, I looked like one of those soaking wet people who have gone crazy, someone who I never thought I would be!
It’s very strange. I cannot look at myself in the mirrors though, I have to stand at an angle just so I don’t see! I am allowed to warm up and cool down on a machine though and I did look down at myself and I noticed I couldn’t see my tummy… my boobs were sticking out more than my stomach, that felt rather good :D

Speaking of which, for as long as I can remember I have just ordered random bras from online stores, just hoping they fit in some way, they only got worn if I went out, which was rarely.
Never thought I would feel comfortable in a bra again, but after I went into Gap, I went into Marks & Spencer walked to the underwear section and asked to be measured, saying to the lady I don’t think you will have them in my size, but I just want to know what I am. And bloody hell I have a brand new bra that fits, from M&S, they have been lifted and feel bloody wonderful, how nice it is to have a real bra. I am so happy!

I am off on adventure tomorrow, driving towards London and meeting a friend for the first time. Excited and scared, but I love what I can do now, it feels amazing!

If you don’t hear from me again, he killed me! lolol

Hope to be back soon!

H x

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I might miss you but, having a good life, just like you told me.

MIA … Sorry

4 Nov

A month, almost a month!

Before surgery I always wondered where people went after surgery. I would be sad when their posts would slow down, then eventually stop. I wondered why, now’s the time to post more, but apparently I’m guilty too and I now know why.

For two years I was completely and utterly focussed on surgery, it was all I thought about, eat sleep drink surgery! Every waking moment it was all I wanted and all I wanted to talk about, I had surgery and I got lost, my mind didn’t know what to think about, my reason for thinking was gone, I didn’t know what to do with myself.
When I came home from surgery, I felt fine, there were only small scars to show what I had been through and I thought I should still be doing everything the same, but oh how the tiredness came and I didn’t know why, I couldn’t understand what was going on, I wanted to be doing everything, but couldn’t do anything, it was a very weird feeling.

Tomorrow is 8 weeks since I had surgery. I am pretty sure I am back to “normal” now, but I am very frustrated  with the weight loss. Before the start of the pre op I was 163kg, today I am 141kg, it feels so slow to me. I know with Slimming World, I can lose 9lbs a week, so this is very frustrating, I came out of hospital at 145kg so to have only lost 4kg in 7 weeks is beyond annoying. I keep reading about how the body needs to heal and after seeing the nutritionist last week I know I was doing it all wrong, I wasn’t eating enough and nowhere near enough protein, she told me I should be eating about 800kcals and 60-90g of protein a day, some days I forget to eat, which I know in itself is a bad thing. So I have to eat more beans and pulses I’m slowly trying to do this, but as it’s not something I have ever done, it’s hard, but I’m working on it.

People have been very kind to me. Saying how good I am looking, how my face is changing, but I can’t really see it. I can from where I started as I have lost nearly 10 stone now (140lbs) but not since surgery.

I need to try to stay on top of all this and post more, fill in My Fitness Pal and track what I’m doing, but my brain is all over the place atm.

I have been thinking a lot this week about the surgery and all it’s implications.
I have realised that something has changed in me, whether I like it or not. It’s obviously a change out of necessity, because I can’t behave the way I used to around food anymore, but that is me making that choice, it would be so easy to sit there sucking on chocolate. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I am really making the right choices, but it was only this week that I have noticed how big of a mental thing it all is, when I’ve had people around me eating everything my brain still wants and I have said no, I’m not going to eat any of that, I don’t need it (probably in my head I am thinking I can’t have it anyway, it will make me poorly) but it’s making me feel good, knowing that I AM doing that for ME.
Even with the scales not moving, I would normally say oh screw it, but I haven’t and I’m loving that. It makes me realise how much of my life beforehand was for the instant gratifiction of seeing something I want and having it right away, no thought for consequences, (probably because it takes so long for weight to show up) my eyes saw it, my brain wanted it, my tummy got it. Regardless.

But people still think it’s the “easy” way out, they have no clue and are not worth our time.

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I went Walkies!

20 Jul
My baby girls, Fudge and Cady.

My baby girls, Fudge and Cady.

I got off my butt and did it. Wasn’t far, probably about a mile, but all it takes is one step to get you started, hoping I can keep it up now.

I went out in just a t-shirt and no coat and I noticed it was starting to cloud over and get more windy, but I didn’t care, it felt so nice, just feeling the cold wind on my skin and my hair blowing, it made me smile and feel sad at the same time. 15 years of my life was wasted being stuck indoors, to scared or not able to go out. To be out there today doing this for me, no one else but me, felt wonderful. My dogs were happy, I was happy and for those few minutes life felt good. I keep thinking about the possibilities of where life is going to take me once surgery is done and I really can’t wait to find out now.

I really enjoyed being out with my dogs today and making good choices. I can’t wait for more of that.

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