Tag Archives: New Life

Work work work! 

1 Apr

So I woke up this morning heart racing, mind going crazy back in half, sciatica making me cry out in pain and I was petrified.
I knew that this was my last morning of waking up as normal.
Tomorrow when I do the exact same thing, I know my whole world is about to change.
To say I am scared is an understatement of epic proportions.
The last time I worked was in April 1996 and I was responsible for pressing ties! Yep those things you wear around your neck to go to your job where you probably sit at a desk, or for funerals, or interviews, usually guys, but hey girls wear them too!

f91cc77e8414cf2976b37f537ae98c18Tomorrow when I wake up and get myself ready and out to my car and drive to where I need to go, I am going to be responsible for humans! Real live people!
My life is about to change beyond all possible recognition.
Anxiety is all I feel right now, I have not felt comfortable since the moment I woke up, of course the pain doesn’t help and I’m thinking how on earth am I meant to look after other people when I’m in this much pain myself!
But in the same breath I also know I don’t want my life to carry on like it is.
I want to do something and I think I get on with people quite well and can take care of them, so in a way it does suit me.
I just hope I come back tomorrow and absolutely love what I have done but also shattered and want my bed! Lol
I’m not going to let my self disbeliefs take me down and stop me doing this.
I AM getting up at half five in the morning, and I WILL get ready for work and I SHALL go meet Rosie and start my work and help the faceless Mary! She is my first call as a support worker/carer! Me? A support worker and carer?!
This is surreal!
This is something I have to do or I am going to end up back at 32 stone again and I don’t want that.
Since being so so ill with the tonsillitis, I’ve eaten like a bitch and I’m not eating correctly now, I’m not getting any proteins or fibre in, my hair and nails are horrific and without even weighing I know I have put on weight and I have the nutritionist on Tuesday! So that’s another thing making me anxious.
So it’s all hopefully going to come together.
I will love my work and I will get control of my weight again, it’s like I’m not able to have a happy medium I either its everything or nothing at all, so with something else to focus on, hopefully everything will get back under control again and I will be OK.
I would definitely like another session with the psychologist again to discuss some things, I know where I’m going wrong, but sometimes it’s nice to have that objective person who wants to see you succeed for no other reason, than she’s being paid to! Lol
So yeah today everything is completely up in the air for me.

a_new_chapter-116151A whole twenty year absolutely appalling bad chapter of my life is coming to an end today and while I want more than anything for it to be gone, it’s also my comfort blanket and I am holding onto it for dear life while also wanting to let it blow off into the wind! And drown in the fucking ocean with the rest of all my bad shit!
It’s such a confusing, scary, anxious, exciting time for me and only tomorrow will I know how I feel.
Once I’ve made that initial getting out there and meeting Rosie I’m pretty sure I will be OK, it’s just that huge giant first leap for me, I’m scared I’m going to fall down into the abyss and no one will hear me scream!
That is the point of the abyss Hayley!

So a few hours have passed since I wrote that earlier sat in Costa with Latte in hand! I’m now at home and in twelve, yes twelve small hours, I’m going to be getting ready and scared senseless! When I got home I had a letter from Morriston asking me to go see the psychologist on Wednesday weirdly! So strange how I had said I wanted to see her earlier today and then it just appears, but I did have to ring up and change it, I can’t do that day as I’m in work til 15:00 and that’s half an hour later, so not feasible at all.

I don’t know how I feel right now, I’m numb and just want it to be this time tomorrow so I know what it was like.
I’m trying to put into words how I feel, but none of what I have written even comes close.
I spoke to my friend this morning and I get this!

Omg tell me I’m doing the right thing! I’m petrified Dan, fucking petrified
It’s a job which is much better than sitting at home everyday!
Thank you! Just what I needed!

f25e00aa39404dd4c885fe3131128a02He’s always a twat to me, but he tells me how it is.
Driving him home Sunday morning I wasn’t sure what we were talking about, but he kept telling me all things come to and end, so I say to him, you’re actually admitting its a good thing then? Because he hates letting me know he needs/wants me and he’s like but all things come to an end! So I ask, do you want this to end then, is that what you’re saying and he says no, that’s not what I’m saying.
He’s awful to me, but I’m addicted to him, so it’s shit!But with this new chapter in my life, I wont think about him as much and he will realise!

Oddly, if you have been following my blog from the start, you remember the guy I was with four years ago, he inexplicably added my sister on Facebook this week, then when she asked why, he said he had moved on etc but wondered how we all were, now this guy is in a relationship, he didn’t even like my sister when we were together and now adding her on Facebook… and he’s moved on?! By definition, that is NOT moving on.
Even if he wanted nothing to do with me, just the mere fact of adding her meant he thought of me.
Very very odd indeed.
Younger guys confuse me, yet I don’t want someone my own age!
I’m in a lonely pickle! lol

Anyway
Here is to all the new chapters, and to the next one that is changing my life for the better.
To being  from the person I was three years ago.

Thank you Roux-en-Y

Soon!

A very scared, anxious and tired H x

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Is This My Life? Actually For Reals?!

22 Mar

My life?
My life?
Wow I don’t even recognise it at the moment.

It’s been over a month since my last post.
Today would have been my nans 89th birthday, but sadly she has been gone four years. I miss her alot.

The week after my psychology appointment, I started to introduce some food, I was still finding it hard, then that Sunday, something hit me, I could not get out of bed, There was something wrong with me, I was in and out of sleep all day, when I did manage to get out of bed the only place I got to was the bath, where I was also falling asleep, it was horrific, during my lucid moments rolling around in bed, all that was going through my mind was Lori and Maggie from The Walking Dead, I thought I was going insane! The next day I managed to wake up but I had a sore throat by the Tuesday I realised I had tonsillitis and I was quite poorly!
So so poorly, my tonsils were huge and had massive white blobs on them and for someone who had never in her life experienced this it was awful. Everything was depressing, even down to the tv, I watched a film about J K Rowling, which was really quite interesting but now when I think about it, it fills me with dread as it reminds me of that whole time.
But I know the reason and only reason I got that illness was down to the fact I did not give my body any nutrition. How stupid.
I have no words to explain what was going through my mind.
I desperately needed food in my body, it was crying out for me to give it nutrition. And my god did I give myself food then.

Hunger kicked in and showed me who was boss. And it sure as shit wasn’t me!

Cuddle Right NowAt the end of that week I was in so much need of a cuddle I travelled all the way to Taunton just to get one, from someone I’m sadly beginning to care too much about and I so need to keep my distance, its bloody hard, but the drive was totally worth it at the end of what I had been through just to see my friend. I needed him.We Should Cuddle

For the next four weekends I saw him, and this is where the problem started. It was never meant to be  more than sex, but I think we both started to care, but knew it wasn’t going anywhere, so we are all in a shit load of confusion, me even more so, emotional things are not my forte! Not even slightly, I am so over emotional, so I don’t know where I am.

I know we need to stop seeing each other so much, but my god it is hard!

I decided to have another blood test, I like to keep on top of it all, but again my parathyroid levels came back high, but calcium levels normal, same as the last two times. So I thought I would do some investigating myself by asking the WLSInfo community, they know so much as a group as they are the ones living with it all.
So the information I get back is that basically my body is leaching calcium from my bones, which of course is going to eventually cause me a whole heap of problems, least of all brittle bones! I do not want that! Not even slightly.
So I was told to ask to change to a different calcium with a separate D3.

So below is the email I sent Nia, along with what I said to the community and what I was told.

Hi Nia,

I got my bloods done at my doctors and again for PTH levels are high, this is the third time it’s happened, so I thought I would get some advice from the WLSInfo community, not sure if you can see attachments, so I will copy what was said. I had alot of replies, but one in particular seemed to have some good knowledge of it.
So I am wondering if its possible to get changed over to the calcium citrate, a seperate D3 and magnesium citrate and k2, I’m really worried about the long term affects of what this could be having on me and really want to give this a try and see if it sorts out my levels?
I don’t want to keep having to worry about it and if its something as simple as changing over some vitamins I was hoping you could write to my doctor to ask for it to be put on my repeat and see how my next bloods are!
Thank you so much!
Hayley xx

____________
Hey guys, I need help again, I’m pretty sure I’ve asked about this before, but yet again I have high PTH levels and when I look into it all I can find is about tumours, which obviously I don’t have. I take my calcichew religiously, sometimes I have more as I like the flavour! But what is the long term affects this is going to have?
I am constantly tired at the moment, I went to bed at 2pm yesterday and didn’t get up til half ten this morning, but I don’t think that’s anything to do with that? I am getting over a pretty bad tonsillitis, so hoping it’s just the after affects of that!
Thanks for any help.
 

  •  Calcichew is calcium carbonate, which needs a high acidity to absorb properly. Really, WLSers need to have calcium citrate (which many GPs won’t prescribe, unfortunately). I’d recommend taking a calcium citrate, as well as a separate D3 (make sure it’s a dry one and not suspended in oil) as well magnesium citrate and K2. If your PTH is high, and your calcium level is ok, it means that the calcium is being leached from your bones, which is clearly not good. You may have to get it all yourself as a lot of GPs wont prescribe.

So that was what I sent to her, expecting to have to fight to get to change everything over and this is what she sent back to me!

Hi Hayley,

 Interestingly we’re in the process of reviewing our recommendations following the National Bariatric Surgery meeting and this was one of the subjects raised.

We plan to advise that the prescription below is what all GP’s follow for patients after a gastric bypass;

Nutritional supplements (routine) following a Gastric Bypass

 

Proton Pump inhibitor (maintain dosage as on hospital discharge)

Forceval vitamins, 2 capsules daily

Ferrous Fumarate, 210mg, one tablet, once daily or twice daily for menstruating women

Calcit   (calcium carbonate 1.25 g, providing calcium citrate when dispersed in water), two tablets, twice daily

Alphacalcidol 500 nanograms, once daily

Vitamin B12 injection, 6 monthly

So weirdly they have been discussing this and realising that for some people , the calcium is not being absorbed/used correctly, I have no idea what is going on to be fair, I just know I’m not right and need help!
Nothing new there then!
So I went to my doctor to tell them everything that needed to be done went through it all, highlighted all the bits and read through it all again on my sheet, he had his own letter too. All good.
But when I went and got my meds, I had calcichew again, but the other one without the D3, this didn’t seem right to me, so this morning I rang Nia again and she said no, it has to be the calcit, so back I go again, but spoke to a receptionist at the doctors, she is someone who isn’t usually there, but, we couldn’t find calcit at all, we found an effervescent one that looked correct, so she did that one but obviously I had to wait for it to be signed. So I went back to chemist to ask them to get it in and again, she couldn’t find it on the system, got out the book and the only one she could find was cacit! So I said Nia might have made a spelling mistake as she has done many times and I rang her, so she said she would get it out and have a look at it was right! She had made a mistake, but she had used my letter, as I am the only one she sent it out to yet as I am the one with the issues and copy and pasted it to every patients doctor! So she thanked me and the pharmacist to catch her mistake before she sent out all those letters! lol
So by 18:30 I should have all the correct meds! My gosh its been hard work!

Which leads me nicely onto my news!

Dont be AfraidFor a long time I’ve wanted to go to work. I’ve said it before, but I’m petrified of it, standing completely on my own two feet, responsible for me, no one to rely on.
From the age of 19 I had Antony, he was my everything, and did everything for me and he was happy to provide me with everything I needed; money, food, love, support, but I never remember any encouragement, pushing me, hell even asking me to do something that was slightly out of my comfort zone to try and help us, but slowly without even noticing it our relationship changed, I changed, I was happy doing nothing and letting him do everything for me and he was happy doing it, it meant things never changed and that’s the way he liked it. Becoming my carer was inevitable!
And now I’m turning the tables.

I may not be 100% physically fit, but mentally I am there, my mind wants this, my mind needs this. I have done something that is so easy an normal for everyone else, but for me? This is the most difficult thing I have done.

I am working.
Yep, me Hayley, who didn’t get out of her bed unless she needed the bathroom,, didn’t even want to go downstairs it was that bad, Didn’t step foot out of the front door for over three damn years!
Yes, I am working!.. working!.. working!

I never thought I would change or ever work or ever even want to work!

This last week I don’t know who I am.

I made this choice, me, no one else, I’m doing this because it is MY decision. Mine! I have made this.

I am going to be providing for myself  for the first time in twenty years.Stand
I am shocked, I feel completely different I don’t know who I am, but I am loving it.

Obviously this has been going through my mind for a long time.
Ever since I was in hospital and saw the Health Care Assistants, it’s something I desperately want to do. The job they do the care the provide, is amazing.
I have looked into it, but it has been so hard to do, there are no courses or anything, you just have to get lucky!

My brothers girlfriend is a senior nurse at our local hospital and shes told me that she would help me get into the nurse bank when a position comes up in April. But I was sat in Costa last Monday and I thought I don’t want this any more, I need something else, this isn’t living. I spoke to Sian one of the girls that works there and she said just go for it Hayley, you can get on with anyone, you are amazing and friendly and you can do whatever you want.
So I came home, found the email I had last year from the care company I was going to go for an interview with and asked Ceri if I could come in again for an interview and she asked me come in the next day. So that is what I did!
I was so scared all night, and in the morning I didn’t know if I was able to go in! I was so ill, but I made I made it there, and the interview went well, it was really my first one, as I didn’t really have an interview for the job I had all those years ago.

I wasn’t sure I was getting the job, but indeed I did! I was told if she could get me on training for Monday she would, but she emailed me to say that there were no spaces, I was gutted I wanted it to get started!
At half nine on Friday evening I looked at my email and there was one there from her saying there was a space! Oh I was frantic, how would I let her know I wanted to do it, so stalker Hayley found her on Facebook and messaged her. I was so happy, she sent me all the info on where to go and times.
So I was set!
Monday came and I got up before the alarm went off. I was scared and excited, I didn’t know what to expect, but I knew I wanted it!
I thought I was going to end up making myself ill before I went, I didn’t leave the bathroom, lucky I had already made my laptop lunchbox the night before, so I was all ready to go.
I set off for Abergavenny and the journey was quite easy, no traffic queues or anything I didn’t get lost. I found the sign just off te roundabout and pulled in to the teeny tiny car park. There were a few spaces left and it was just after 9am, so thought I would sit there and wait.
Quarter past nine I think I should probably go in and be nice and early!
Ha
So much for that. I sign in, walk through the building out the back to the training room and its pretty much full.
Oh crap!
I look at a girl and say do we just sit, as I wasn’t sure if I needed to speak to someone first, she said yes, so I sat down on the table closest to the door, next to a guy and a girl.
Then I realise that there are five to each table, two more can fit on mine, oh we are cramped!
A girl called Megan sat between me and Colin, Nerys was next to him then Amanda was on the end.
There were five tables so twenty of us in total, and Carole the trainer.
I had an amazing few days, I was surprised at how involved I was how, I spoke up, I recounted stories had questions and was really quite engaging.
I had the Wednesday off as the manual handling had to be split in two as she wouldn’t be able to fit us all in that training room. So I went back on the Thursday and had a great day. Manual handling put my mind at ease. It was alot of fun and me and a guy called Scott worked so well together, I told him I wished we were working in the same area we would need no more training, we could go out on our own and be perfect together! No more taining required!
That would have been nice, but Alas, not to be!
It’s funny the difference in  my attitude from Monday to Thursday. After Training Monday, I was scared, asking myself if I was doing the right thing, could I do it did I want to, was I ready. Did I even want to?
I was making myself go to work when I didn’t actually have to yet. I wasn’t being forced yet. So was this stupid?
I thought I would do the training anyway, it wouldn’t hurt.
Monday was all about abuse, it was awful and very sad, even something as simple as this;
You go see a service use and you know they love porridage, they will lick their bowl clean and ask for more, but this week they have been asking for jam on toast, so you make them jam on toast, but when you go back you see they have had one bite and nothing else, they have not eaten anything else all morning!
This goes on for a few days, so you know they love porridage, so instead of asking them what they want you give them the porridage, they lick the bowl clean and want more!
You’ve done good you’ve provided them with food and they wont go hungry and they loved it, they asked for seconds again!
However, you have now abused them!
The reason being?
You took away their choice, every service user has a choice and you should  never ever remove that from someone, even if what they are doing in wrong!
What you should have done in that case, was give her the jam on toast, but also followed it up with the porridage, then she had the choice right there in front of her, she could have had the one bit of toast and then the porridage was there if she was still hungy!
Perfect solution.

After lunch we did medication.
Wowion.
Need to know the difference between verbal and administering medication.
So much stuff!
Tuesday we learned about manual handling.
Thursday was manual handling practical, there was only six of us and it was great, I loved every moment of it, I loved learning all the different equipment, how we move o demonstrate oureveryone and we had to demonstrate as carers and be service uers oursevles, the aount of trust they have to put into people, theo ty and able ty initially don’t know. Complete strangers to them. It is very scary. So this is why keeping to the same careres is a very good idea, so you get to know your service user and get to know and completely trust you. Feeling safe and comfortable is a must in this world.
Also being chatty and being able to talk to people is a bonus in this job, to keep someone calm, to make them feel safe with you.
I think I can do that.
By the end of Thursday I wanted this so so much.
I started this post on the 16th March today is the 21st.
I went to the office this morning, to sort out my paper work, bank details etc. Sorted out my business insurance for my car and ordered my uniform.
All I am waiting for is my DBS to come back now, then I’m off out shadowing.
Excitement is an understatement.

So my life now feels like its not mine!
Who is this person.
I am a woman who can walk and work and drive and can now stand on my own two feet.

Four years ago I let my husband walk out the door without a fight.
I led on my floor crying because I couldn’t put electricity into my metre, hell I couldn’t even get off the floor!
Life was bad.
Believe in MeLife? That wasn’t life, I don’t even know if I was existing, I was just wasting space.
Now, I am going to be making a difference in soingsmeones life, while it may not be huge in the grand scheme of things, to them if I wasn’t there they would be in hosptial or a home. So I will be making a difference to someones life and to me, that is something amazing.

Sorry if this is a huge post, I can’t tell it looks its on my new netbook, but don’t know how much it is to read!

So yeah, this has been my life the last few weeks, stuff has chage emensly and I don’t know if I will like it, but so far so good!

Soon

H x

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