Tag Archives: no carbs

Emotions Everywhere and I’m Starting to Care!

5 Jun

So so much has happened since I last posted. It’s been surreal.

So I started work the following morning, it was damn hard but I enjoyed it, the things I saw were heartbreaking and very emotional. I watched as Rosie did everything and helped when I could. The next day was my turn to do everything, by our second call I thought I was dying, this lady I was with, was 47, two years ago, she had a tumor removed in her pituitary gland, that night she had a stroke. Her left arm is stuck at a 90 degree angle and her legs are massive with cellulitis and are rock hard, it’s such a sad thing, but after dealing with all that, I was dying! From that moment on I was on a downward spiral all day, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. By the time we got to a call, where I could see the woman didn’t have more than 24h to live, which broke my heart as it reminded me of my nan. I knew I couldn’t carry on, I was sick and dizzy and just not well at all! So I told Rosie I had to go home.
6093a188adddb804794445bb261bf32dI thought about what I was going to do, I knew with all my issues and now with my random sickness I get, I was confused. I really wanted this job, I was desperate for it, but could I actually physically do it?
I waited for my references to come through, and spoke to them about my concerns and they told me that they were going to ease me into it as I hadn’t worked for twenty years, so that made me feel better. I did however have my worries the whole time, but this was something I really wanted to do, so I pushed them aside.Then I got my start date!

I was so excited! They started me off with a lot of breaks in between calls. So I thought I would be okay. Oh how I wrong I was. By the time I had my long break I knew I was in trouble. I rang the office and said I was worried again, but I’d make an appointment with my doctor for the afternoon and speak to them and see what they said. She told me not to do anything as it was my first day, but I was worried, I knew how much pain I was in, she didn’t.
I went to my doctor told her what was happening and she said Hayley, you cannot control your pain when you’re doing nothing?! And you want to do a physical job..  It’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse.

I knew she was right, so I went home and made the phone call to them to say I couldn’t do it and I was distraught. I got home and sobbed and sobbed, I was gutted. I then sent one of the girls in the office a message saying how sorry I was etc etc. And she said to me they had been talking and thought what about if I just did sits. And I thought about it and said yeah I could do that, it’s easy, you sit with someone while their family member goes and does what they need to, mini respite for a few hours. How hard could that be!?

marcel-pariseau-quote-she-cant-deal-with-it-any-moreIt started off okay, then slowly they were putting more on me, there was a couple I was looking after on the weekends, who had dementia, they both had different types. And boy was it hard.
I don’t need to go over all the hard stuff that happened, but the day I realised that I couldn’t do it, was a Sunday I was at this couples house, and I fell asleep at the kitchen table, it was only nodding off, but I knew something wasn’t right, that’s not what I do, I started to be sick, so after a while, I rang and asked if I could go home early, and they told me there was no way I could leave, so I left it a bit longer and then sent a text message to their daughter and asked if I could leave and hour early, she told me she would be down right away.

So I left early and went home and I slept til the Tuesday, turned out I had tonsillitis again for the third time in three months! I was completely wiped out for two whole weeks again. I was so unwell. But that Sunday that I left their home, I knew I couldn’t do this job, if I couldn’t go home to be ill when I needed to, then I couldn’t do the job! It was just killing me.

I was distraught. But what could I do?

So now I’ve learnt my lesson I am not ready for work yet. So I’m going to wait until they force me to go and they can find me a job that I am able to do!

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So of course all this sent me into a downward spiral, I thought I was ready, I thought I was picking my life back up, albeit twenty years later, with arthritis in both hips and my spine and having gone through weight loss service, my stomach and intestines removed, divorced to the husband I thought I would always be with and our twenty year anniversary being in April, I wasn’t coping well at all.cognitive-behavior-therapy-for-depression-in-older-adultsnorthrop-29-728

My food took a hit. I was just eating junk, no real food going in me and I didn’t care. I was starving myself again nutritionally, filling my face with junk like I did when I was 32 stone.

People think it’s easy. Stop eating lose weight. They have no idea it’s a mental issue, not a greed thing. No one can understand unless you have ever been obese. And even then, no one else has any idea of what is going on with you and how you got to be the size you did. There are usually stories for the reasons people gain huge amounts of weight and usually it is not down to just greed alone.  It is so much more complex than that.

6c850e64994c356a69b9dcabb060ddd4But people judge. And boy do they judge obesity. I think I have said it before, but I think the reason get so angry and annoyed at obesity is because it can happen to them, so easily, just one thing changing in their lives can send them into the same spiral that I found myself in twenty years ago. It’s so easy for it to happen. 1lb 7lbs 20lbs it’s so easy to creep up  because of one thing that happens in your life, or it could be a huge life changing thing that happens.  We just don’t know the future and what could happen.
And I think that is why people judge so harshly with obesity. 

So I got to a point where I was starting to feel my clothes getting tighter, I was ignoring it. I didn’t care I wanted junk and only junk! But I knew I was screwing myself over, how could I carry on with what I was doing! I’m going to ruin everything.

So last week I closed my eyes and stepped in the scales! I wanted to hurt myself so much! From my lowest, I was only there for a day, but two and a half stone back on!

Wtf wtf wtf!

Ugh guess what today is the start of.

Pouch reset time.

So the last time I did this, I went almost four weeks without eating I was so petrified of eating again, I couldn’t make myself eat not matter what I did. Even seeing the psychologist didn’t help. The only thing that made me eat again was getting tonsillitis, I think that was my body saying hey missy, eat or I’m going to give you and illness you have never had in your life before because your immune system is so low right now!

Yeah that made me eat again!

And God did I eat again! That was the start of me not stopping which was just intensified when I realised I couldn’t work!

So I started with the five day pouch test and oh dear it started again! I got scared of eating, only kept it kind of under control, day five I managed to force myself to eat a cheese omelette in the evening and today I have made food.  Good real food that my body needs, not junk, I think I needed that to make me think about the fact I actually needed protein and vegetables and all things a good healthy vegetarian needs!

How long it will last is anyone’s guess, but here I am trying and writing on my blog again. It’s always good to write here, I know I’m doing okay when I’m back.

So here I am eating good food, writing and hoping to continue on the good path, though this time next week I shall be on a 90s weekend in Butlins, so I might be on a very strict time limit! Ha

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Soon, with luck!

H x

 

Lets NOT eat!

23 Sep

Today was a hard day.

My beautiful niece was six and my brother decided to take her to Kaspas in Cardiff. It’s a dessert restaurant and I wanted to go to celebrate with them all.

But I did not anticipate how hard it was going to be! Everything looked at smelled amazing and they were all eating and I sat there with nothing, but I made it through, I might not have been the most sociable person there, but I got out the other side and didn’t have anything, I’m so good these days at going to a restaurant and just eating nothing, no one questions me. They might if I went in there alone and just sat there though hmm maybe I’ll try it! haha

But I seriously don’t think I will ever put myself through something like that again, it really isnt worth the mental torture.

I’m still going strong with low carbs, obvs, or I would have eaten one or at least some of those delicious desserts that were tempting me. I’m so pleased with myself.

I am getting a little bit unsure over what to eat now, its omelette, cheese, eggs and quorn, it gets a bit boring! I look at Pinterest, but when you have to work out all the macros, it can get a bit tedious.

In other news, I’ve kind of met someone who is really rather quite nice too.
I met him for the first time the other evening and we had a really nice night. I can’t see it going very far, but it’s given me confidence again, which is what I needed after the last disaster!
And I really need to stop worrying about my body, if you meet the right person, none of it matters and they can actually make you feel amazing. Some people just really don’t care about the things you think are a deal breaker!

I did however speak to my doctor the other day about my legs. He said to speak to the surgeon, which I guessed he would. He said the chances of getting it done without paying for it, is slim. I had a feeling that would happen. I obviously will talk to them the next time I go there (if I ever get a letter asking me again!) as it is affecting me, they’re in the way. I don’t want them to look perfect, I want them to not have fat pockets rubbing together getting in the way.

I also decided to get my bloods done on my own and my parathyroid is raised again, having it retested again tomorrow, but I can’t see it changing as it’s been like that since the last time I was tested.

Not completely sure what this means, I think it mean’s I’m lacking calcium, however that is a normal number, so very weird!

Soon

H x

lou-holtz-quote

Week down

21 Sep

Last monday I started low carb properly. I have been in ketosis, well I am assuming I am thanks to Ketostix, but not completely sure!

Oh how true!

Oh how true!

I have kept under 20g of carbs most days, there may have been one or two below 25, but never above for the last week. I think I am still struggling a bit. The scales are not moving at al, which of course discourages you, but I am not going to give up yet. But there is one thing I have given up.. milk! It’s still killing me, but the lovely people at my local Costa are allowing me to bring in unsweetened Soya milk, so I can still kind of have a latte, its not the same as milk, not even close, but it’s better than nothing and I get to go to my fave place still! They are not meant to do 8e3b133044ffd295d37fa042418d8e5bit, but as I’m there all the time and bring everyone, they are allowing me to do it.

What can I say? They love me!

I was hoping to be discharged from the district nurse today, but I forgot I had to go for a diabetic retinopathy screening, so I had to cancel and she should come tomorrow, so fingers crossed I get freedom.

Which means… Gym, I should be able to go back this week and I cannot wait.

It’s been six long weeks of healing and no exercise and I am ready to get sweaty again.

I haven’t really got much to update at the moment, things are pretty quiet with me not being able to do much. I did drive to Liverpool last weekend and had the best slice of pizza I have ever tasted. Thank you Matthew, I waited almost four years and constantly being told how great it was and he was bloody right! I enjoyed every mouthful.

Now how to recreate it keto style! lol

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I need more FAT!!! Less Protein and I’m under on carbs!!! What do I dooooo?!

Finally went walkies!

4 Sep

I almost went the other day, but got distracted by a friend and am so bored at the moment, so I took my dogs and went up the mountain!

I didn’t go all the way up, I drove up as high as I could and took a slow walk across the flattest part. There are a few inclines, but nothing like walking from either carpark up to Blaen Bran or to the top where the ariel is.

The sun was shining and the breeze was lovely, it was just what we needed, poor dogs haven’t been out far in three weeks. We sat on a tree log for a while and just enjoyed it.2015-09-04 13.08.51On the way back I did get a little tired, its funny how not working out for three weeks can change your fitness, okay there was an operation and complications in the middle of that, but it was strange getting tired on that little walk, I am so missing going to the gym and can’t wait until I can get back to it.

Packing!

Packing!

The one district nurse Lindsey thinks I will be done by next week. Still can get a fair bit of packing in there and changing to the aquacel has made it bleed more, just want it all to be finished now. Hopefully soon!

Food is still going well, staying away from carbs and feeling good about that. I haven’t even craved anything during the week before my period which is a bonus! Normally I am horiffic the week before craving everything in sight.

I’m debating whether to actually go on real dates at the moment too. Like I said before I have been talking to people, but most of them are so damn odd! The amount of strange things people have said to me over the last few weeks has been unreal! When I was last single, men were NOT like this at all. I have no idea what these “men” think women want these days, all I know it is not what they are offering me! Well not for me anyway, I have no idea about other people, but my god, it is awful! I think I could start a whole new blog on internet dating and the things they say! It would be quite funny!

Anyone know where all the normal men are these days? Someone guide me that way please!

Soon

H x

Out of the Darkness!

16 Aug

So I woke up on my tummy in the middle of the night!

Oops.

It’s the only way I can really sleep, so it’s inevitable I will find myself that way at some point, just didn’t want it to be so soon!

It was actually quite comfortable, the only time I’m in pain is when I try and turn over, so I just stayed like it, and wiggled! I’m a strange sleeper :p

LUSH!!

LUSH!!

I gave up with the dressings, it doesn’t look too bad. No stitches, looks like they used glue, it’s very hot and hard to touch all around there and the bruising is coming up nicely now. But I think I’m going to survive and at least no more emergency trips to the hospital at the most awkward times! Yay!.. or maybe I would have been better staying in the hospital at those times! My life would have been so much less complicated if I had :)

My sister is off to Harry Potter World tomorrow, I so so so want to go driving down there with her, I love that drive so much, but only bad memories are there now. She is going with her ex boyfriend. They arranged it when they were together, but have recently split, luckily they are remaining friends, which I think is the way it should be. No need for nastiness and bitterness, especially when it’s not deserved.

I’ve finally figured out my macros for ketosis! But the thought of weighing and measuring every single thing really puts me off. Clare said to just keep the carbs under 20 and it will be ok. I am still working on it!

freeAt the moment I am not being good with food at all. I’m really annoyed with myself as I should be eating right to help with the healing, especially protein, but I’m not. So as soon as I’m better I am going to go hard on this. No lattes, no carbs at all. I did it a year ago to get surgery, I can do it again. I know what to eat and I know how easy it is after the first few days. Just got to get my head back into it. It’s great when the food cravings go away. You feel free from food.

Also yesterday I felt free in other ways. Like everything I have been feeling lately just lifted! It was an amazing feeling and I’m so glad I’m out of it. Never will I get myself into a situation like that again. My life is moving forward, not backward or standing still. I was in such a dark place for a few weeks, but instantly everything changed. When you realise you are so much better than what people wanted you to believe you are free of them and their negativity.

I am so happy in myself right now and maybe you do have to get to your lowest point to realise this and boy was I there, but now I feel amazing and nothing is going to take that away from me again.

Try your best

Free

Soon

H x

I can beat myself!

20 Jul

I love the things I can just do now.

I messaged Clare to say I needed to talk, I was off to Costa, cos you know, I can drive now! And her husband brought her to me and it was nice sitting there moaning, her two youngest girls came too and it was a beautiful day, so we decided to go up Twmbarlwm, it’s the most scary drive E.V.E.R. The lane is only just big enough for one car and even then it’s pushing it, we had branches and twigs hitting us and when another car comes the other way, we start screaming! Not fun when I’m trying to keep myself alive let alone my friend, a five and three year old! Ugh I am responsible for that. So much pressure!!

We make it to the car park in one piece and are greeted with the climb to the top of the mountain.

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Even looking back at this height there is a really good view, but when we get to the top it’s amazing, and its 360 degrees. I love it. When you reach the pimple at the top (locals call it something else!) you are so hot but luckily the wind picks up nicely, so you have a breeze cooling you back down, which I most definitely need!

Looking out over the Bristol Channel

Looking out over the Bristol Channel

Yesterday was a good food day, lots of protein. I do think I’m getting alot more hungry, which I’m hoping is down to the exercise I’m doing.

I went to the gym twice again today. I beat my first go on the cross trainer when I went back, so that made me happy. Though I noticed when I took the pic it said the effort was 12… it so was not! It was set at 25 all through the exercise, I guess it dropped down to that at the end! I like beating myself :)

Hoping to go again twice tomorrow as well.
I go to that gym now, not bothering about anyone, I smile at people and carry on doing what I’m doing, listening to the songs in my head and pushing myself, sweat dripping off my face (which I hate with a passion!) and I just don’t care, the more I sweat the better I feel now. I know I am pushing myself with all I can. I want this so much, I want to be stronger, fitter, healthier, I want to be me, but better. I wish so much I could have had that when I was younger, I might not have got to where I did.
I see people in there and I feel sad for them, especially if they are young and can see them heading for where I was and I just want to scream at them. They sit there on the machines, putting in no effort whatsoever and it’s quite depressing. I know that there is nothing you can do until you are ready for it, until something clicks in your own head and maybe you will never get it. I left it too late before it clicked for me and we all know what I had to do to make myself better.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my bypass with everything I am, but I wish I it would have happened for me when I was younger,

How far

whether that is me going it alone, or finally being brave enough to admit I needed the help. With all my heart I wish I had done this sooner.
But I am now doing the best I can for myself and that’s all we can expect. I felt such a buzz today sat on the adductor. I could feel the muscles in my legs working. I haven’t had that for a long time and I most definitely liked it, I wanted more. I felt happy. I felt alive. It was good.

I am completely drug free at the moment (barring any bypass drugs ofc!!) I came off my last medical one this past week and oh my! My eyes have opened with how stunted my emotions have been. I am grateful to citalopram for allowing me to go out again, so very, very grateful, but for what it was suppressing for six years I am most definitely not! Maybe one day I shall explain, but lets just say I am enjoying every single feeling I now have back! ;) ..though I might have to deal with my whole marriage breakdown soon.. don’t want to deal with that..
On Sunday I am doing a 5k walk with my old Slimming World group, we are doing Race for Life. I’m looking forward to that, last year I went to cheer them on, hoping I could do it, but me and my dogs just watched, can’t believe I’m actually going to be doing it this year. I have my pink T-shirt ready to go and I will be taking pics, so expect lots! Exciting times!

Soon

H x

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Weekenders

27 Jan

I started a gym membership two weeks ago, but I really hate where it is! And it’s scary walking through Newport at night, luckily it’s a contractless one, so I don’t need to keep going, just annoyed though cos it’s a really nice place. Maybe when they finish Friars Walk I’ll go back, who knows, but in the meantime, my lovely (sometimes!!!) friend has bought me something to be getting on with, finally getting the Fitbit Surge! Yay, so happy it’s coming tomorrow. I am such a fussy cow, I have tried countless fitness watches and sent them all back, cos I knew in my heart I wanted whatever the replacement was for the fitbit that was pulled last year and finally tomorrow I get it!

I have my car back permanent today, I have been out driving most of the day, I just need someone to sit with me so I can do it more, I love being able to drive, I just hope I pass all the tests, really want to get out there by myself so I can get better and not rely on anyone, no stopping me soon!

I have noticed I find it really easy to eat bad food, not because it’s what  I want, but because it doesn’t sit heavy in my pouch, this is so not what I want though. So back to lots of protein today, before I had scrambled eggs I was desperate to have a digestive biscuit as soon as I started eating the eggs, I was so damn full and that’s what has always been my problem, so I need to keep it in check before I go any further, I eat all the junky non nutritious food before I bother to go and cook because it’s “easy” yes Hayley an easy way to sit in the house and not go out not move not breathe and not live life. Let’s not go back there shall we.

Protein, Protein, Protein!

I waste so much damn food though. Eat LEFTOVERS!!!! I am bloody useless lol

I had a lovely weekend, my friend came to visit me, we had a very lazy weekend, staying snuggled up nice and warm while watching loads of films, of course he bought junk food, while I had some I didn’t go overboard, it’s just not worth it I guess, I don’t seem to get early dumping though, mine seems to be late and I really don’t like that feeling!
We even went to cinema and had no snacks there, I was very impressed with myself, however we did go to Pizza Hut after and I had a salad and a slice of a child’s pizza lol it was nice and it was enough, brought the rest home and I didn’t touch it, the dogs enjoyed it!

The dogs should get a nice walk tomorrow when I get my watch on!

So excited

Todays quote is something I need to remember every single day. I shall never master this, just learn to deal with it the best I can.

Soon H x

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